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“Frank Burns: [spotting Hawkeye browsing through his personal shelf] What are you doing up there?

Hawkeye Pierce: I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank.

Frank Burns: Since when are you two interested in the Bible?

Trapper John McIntyre: I peeked at the end, Frank. The Devil did it.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Bible, The Devil Did It
“T.V. voiceover: You're watching PBS.

Butt-head: He said 'B.S.'

Beavis: But first he said 'pee.'”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 5: Lightning Strikes
Tagged: Juvenile Humor, PBS
“Beavis, I have seen the top of the mountain, and it is good.”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 5: Top O' The Mountain
Tagged: I have been to the mountaintop, it is good
“Butt-head: Face it, Beavis, you have a problem with your penis. Maybe you should wash it or something.

Beavis: Yeah, I'll just…wait, with water? No way, then it'll get all wet.”
— Beavis, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 5: Tainted Meat
Tagged: Genital Hygiene, penis
“Uh…I've got a crisis…in my pants.”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 4: Crisis Line
Tagged: Crisis, erection
“Buzzcut: And what about your patent disregard for Beavis! Do you not care a rat's ass for the safety of your closest companion!?

Butt-head: Uhh…no.”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 4: Water Safety
Tagged: Compassion
“Gus Baker: Hey! We're on the air! You can't use that language!

Beavis: We use language?”
— Beavis, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 4: Right On
Tagged: Language, Profanity
“I don't know what your problem is, but I simply cannot have students roaming the hallways during class, interrupting other classes, and giving prophecies of a great plague.”
— Principal McVicker, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 4: The Great Cornholio
Tagged: Juvenile Delinquency, Prophecies
“Judge: You'll need someone who knows the laws, who's familiar with the penal system and—

Beavis: [laughing with Butt-head] She said penal.”
— Beavis, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 3: Plate Frisbee
Tagged: Penal, Penile, Homonyms
“Beavis: So, like, in heaven, will all the chicks do anything I want?

St. Peter: No.

Beavis: That sucks. Do I get X-ray vision? Can I get some nachos?

St. Peter: No.

Beavis: Are you sure this is heaven? ”
— Beavis, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 4: The Final Judgment Of Beavis
Tagged: Heaven, St. Peter, Chicks, Nachos, X-Ray Vision
“Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. We could get rich doing this. We need to get more balls.

Beavis: [laughs] You've got to hear what you just said, Butt-head. You said, heh, "We need to get more balls."

Butt-head: Huh huh huh, oh yeah.”
— Beavis, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 4: Mr. Anderson's Balls
Tagged: balls, Double Entendre
“We're never gonna score! We’ll get cars and like, we'll get jobs, and we'll have to like, mow lawns and scrub the grill, but we're never gonna score ever! It's gonna suck!”
— Beavis, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 4: Teen Talk
Tagged: Getting Laid, scoring
“Butt-head: I didn't know you were psychic, Beavis.

Beavis: Yeah, remember what those doctors said on those tests?

Butt-head: No, Beavis, they said you were psycho.”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 4: Madame Blavatsky
Tagged: Psychic, psycho, Homonyms
“Kindergarden teacher: Butt-head, are you angry?

Butt-head: I'm, like, angry at numbers.

Beavis: There's, like, too many of 'em and stuff.”
— Beavis, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 5: Held Back
Tagged: Innumerate, Anger
“Mr. O'Brien: Alright, now I'm gonna ask you some questions. Failure to be truthful, and your responses will be interpreted as an acknowledgment of guilt. Do you understand?

Butt-head: Uh…yeah. [detector buzzes 'false'] Uh huh huh. Uh, I mean, no. [detector dings 'true'] Huh huh huh.”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 4: The Pipe Of Doom
Tagged: polygraph, Truthful, Guilt
“Oprah: Butt-head, you've slept with over 5,000 women. How do you explain the attraction to you?

Butt-head: Uh…just look at me!”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 5: Dream On
Tagged: Oprah Winfrey, Hubris
“Store clerk: Are you two gonna buy something or are you gonna stare all day?

Butt-head: Uh, we're gonna stare all day. ”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 3: Incognito
Tagged: loitering
“Old woman: What happened to my spectacles?

Butt-head: Uh, your testicles?”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 3: Couch-Fishing
Tagged: Homonyms, testicles, Spectacles
“Butt-head: Uh…Hey Beavis. I got an idea.

Beavis: Yeah, me too! Let's go over to Stewart's house and burn something. [holds up a lighter]”
— Beavis, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 3: Comedians
Tagged: Arson
“Sergeant: I'm prepared to promise you your own guns, ammo, grenades, and uniforms. I'll get you a delayed entry, and I can probably get you stationed at Fort Dix.

Butt-head: Is that anywhere near Fort Nuts?”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 2: Be All You Can Be
Tagged: Fort Dix, Ammo, Guns, Grenades, army
“Butt-head: Hey, Mr. Anderson, are you gonna die pretty soon?

Beavis: Yeah, and leave all your money to someone?

Butt-head: That would be cool.”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 2: Washing the Dog
Tagged: Wishing for Death, Inheritance
“Hey spank your own monkey all you want, but keep your hands off mine.”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 2: Babes R Us
Tagged: masturbation, Spanking the Monkey
“The fatter they are, the fatter they fall.”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 2: Bedpans & Broomsticks
Tagged: Fat-Shaming
“Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, do you think a man will ever land on Uranus?

Butt-head: Maybe on your anus.

Beavis: This chainsaw kicks ass! Pruning is cool!

Butt-head: Yeah! Let's go prune some power lines!”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 2: The Butt-Head Experience
Tagged: Uranus, Anus, Boy Humor
“ You asswipe! I was about to have a wet dream.”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 2: The Butt-Head Experience
Tagged: asswipe, wet dream
“Hey, check this out. ‘For a good time, call Beavis's mom.’”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 2: At the Movies
Tagged: Yo Mama
“Mr. Van Driessen: Today, we're going to explore the world of haiku.

Butt-head: We're gonna explore the world of getting high? Cool! Huh huh.

Mr. Van Driessen: No, Butt-head. Not ‘high, cool,’ but the ancient, Japanese, spare, haunting poetry called ‘haiku.’”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 2: For Better or Verse
Tagged: haiku, Getting High, Japanese
“Butt-head: Hey Beavis. I heard if you tip a cow over while it's sleeping, cool stuff happens.

Beavis: Really? Like what?

Butt-head: Uh…it falls over?

Beavis: Cool! We're there, dude!”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 4: Cow Tipping
Tagged: Cow-Tipping
“Hospital Receptionist: Can I help you?

Butt-head: Uh, he's got, like, rabies or something. 

Hospital Receptionist: I see. What's your name?

Butt-head: Uh, last name is 'Munch'. First name is 'Rodney'.

Beavis: Yeah, heh heh, yeah. Rod Munch.”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 4: Rabies Scare
Tagged: Juvenile Humor, Dirty Mind, Rabies
“ [on the phone with the Home Shopping network] Yeah, I'd like to order one of those pubic zercroniums.”
— Beavis, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 3: Sporting Goods
Tagged: Home Shopping Network, Cubic Zirconium

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About The Authors

This page was created by our editorial team. Each page is manually curated, researched, collected, and issued by our staff writers. Quotes contained on this page have been double checked for their citations, their accuracy and the impact it will have on our readers.

Kelly Peacock is an accomplished poet and social media expert based in Brooklyn, New York. Kelly has a Bachelor's degree in creative writing from Farieligh Dickinson University and has contributed to many literary and cultural publications. Kelly assists on a wide variety of quote inputting and social media functions for Quote Catalog. Visit her personal website here.

Kendra Syrdal is a writer, editor, partner, and senior publisher for The Thought & Expression Company. Over the last few years she has been personally responsible for writing, editing, and producing over 30+ million pageviews on Thought Catalog.