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Hawkeye Pierce Quotes

Total quotes: 20
“Hawkeye: Great little war we have here.

Radar: I could do without it.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 2: Radar’s Report
Tagged: War, Pacifism
“Frank: I can plug an ace of hearts at fifty feet.

Hawkeye: I'll remember that if we're ever attacked by a bridge club.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 4: The Bus
Tagged: cards, Aim
“The instrument has yet to be devised that can test my indifference to that remark.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 3: Alcoholics Unanimous
Tagged: Indifference
“Henry, you have no idea what it's like sharing a tent with a guy who thinks he's all twelve disciples!”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Schizophrenia, Close Quarters
“Frank, do you know what a hero is? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, he's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 2: The Sniper
Tagged: Hero, Tired, cold, Hungry, don't give a damn
“Trapper: You have a lot of trouble with women, don't you?

Hawkeye: Every chance that I can!”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 2: Deal Me Out
Tagged: trouble, Women, Double Entendre
“Henry: I assume you've all read my notice concerning the recent crime wave.

Hawkeye: I would've read it, but the notice was stolen.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 1: I Hate a Mystery
Tagged: Crime
“Henry: You were ordered to stand down!

Hawkeye: I did, but I fell up again.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 2: Radar’s Report
Tagged: Drunk, stand down
“Hawkeye: Let's make a pact about drinking.

Trapper: All right.

Hawkeye: Let's never stop.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 3: Check-Up
Tagged: Drinking, Alcoholism
“Potter: I gather you drink.

Hawkeye: Only to excess.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 4: Welcome to Korea
Tagged: Drinking, Alcoholism
“War isn't hell. War is war, and hell is hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 5: The General's Practitioner
Tagged: war is hell, War, Hell
“I am the essence of overconfidence. I am speculation, adventure, the spirit of pursuit, the stag howling for its winsome, yet anonymous mate. I am the love call of evolution, the perfume and color of the flowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle fuzz of the bees. I am sex itself, gentlemen. I am life, I am appetite!”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 7: Inga
Tagged: overconfidence, winsome, stag, mate, pollen, Sex, Appetite
“Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happy Hour.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 7: A Night at Rosie's
Tagged: Life, Pursuit of Happiness, happy hour, Drinking
“Lt. Dish: Hawkeye, I'm trying to be faithful. How many times must I tell you I'm engaged?

Hawkeye Pierce: I'm engaged, too, think of me as a dress rehearsal.

Lt. Dish: A girl can only take so much.

Hawkeye Pierce: Are we anywhere near that part yet?”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Sexual Harassment, Engaged, Faithful, Dress Rehearsal
“I'm not sleeping, I'm inspecting the inside of my eyelids.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 3: Officer of the Day
Tagged: not sleeping, excuses, Alibis
“Frank Burns: [spotting Hawkeye browsing through his personal shelf] What are you doing up there?

Hawkeye Pierce: I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank.

Frank Burns: Since when are you two interested in the Bible?

Trapper John McIntyre: I peeked at the end, Frank. The Devil did it.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Bible, The Devil Did It
“I just don’t know why they’re shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 3: O.R.
Tagged: Freedom, Achievement, Flatulence, tension, American Dream
“I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 3: Officer of the Day
Tagged: Guns, harakiri, Pentagon, cary grant, old virginia
“Three hours ago, this man was in a battle. Two hours ago, we operated on him. He's got a fifty-fifty chance. We win some, we lose some. That's what it's all about. No promises. No guaranteed survival. No 'saints in surgical garb'. Our willingness, our experience, our technique are not enough. Guns and bombs and anti-personnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it. Not a very happy ending to a movie. But then again, no war is a movie.”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 1: Yankee Doodle Doctor
Tagged: Surgery, War, Battle, Guns, bombs, Movie
“Look, you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? In the blood of children? I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then... then the hell with it. How dare you? The hell with your Iowa naivete, and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear, and while you're at it, the hell with you! Why don't you grow up, for crying out loud? I'm not here for you to admire. I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder, if possible without going crazy. Period. [Radar begins to cry] Come on, cut it out. Stop it, will ya!? You ninny!”
— Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H, Season 6: Fallen Idol
Tagged: Iowa, naivete, Blood, sausage grinder
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