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Eric Cartman Quotes

Total quotes: 39
“The fireman is very magical. If you rub his helmet he spits in your eye.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Ike's Wee Wee
Tagged: fireman, Magic
“Okay, that does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?! I'm sick of it! It's completely immature!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Anal Humor, Fart Jokes, Sick, Immature
“No, dude, independent films are those black-and-white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls
Tagged: Independent FIlms, Black and White, Hippie, Movies, Gay Cowboys
“Stan: My uncle Jimbo says that after this he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.

Kyle: Wow. That'd be cool.

Cartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Volcano
Tagged: Africa, Hunting, Black People, Stating the Obvious
“Cartman: I'm not the one walking around all day like Pippi Longstocking.

Stan: Well, at least my mom isn't on the cover of Crack Whore magazine.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: Pippi Longstocking, Crack Whore
“The only way to fight hate is with even more hate!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 9: Ginger Kids
Tagged: Hate, fighting fire with fire
“Cartman: I would never kill somebody. Unless they pissed me off.

Grampa: Oh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell ya something, Porky. Your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little bitch!

Cartman [shocked]: What?

Grampa: That's right!

Stan: Grampa!

Grampa: And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton, and had my way with her too.

Cartman: Hey!

Grampa: Choice piece of it, your great-grandma.

Cartman: You piece of crap! I'll kill you!

Grampa: That's the spirit, Tubby!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Death
Tagged: Necrophilia, i fucked your mom, piece of crap
“Cartman: Aw...dude. You shot him in the dick.

Butters: Huh?

Cartman: That's not cool Butters. You don't shoot a guy in the dick.

Butters: But I was just trying to stop him and you said—

Cartman: It doesn't matter, Butters! You never shoot a guy in the dick! Everyone knows that! Shooting a guy in the dick!? That's just...that's just weak...I can't believe you, Butters.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 12: The China Probrem
Tagged: Shot in the dick
“Hey you guys, you know what they call a Jewish woman's boobs? ... Jewbs!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 10: The Return of Chef
Tagged: Jewish, boobs, Jewbs
“Hey! If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack and blow your balls all over your pants!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Summer Sucks
Tagged: Threats, Firecrackers, Nut Sack, balls
“Jimmy: What-what's the matter, fellas? Are you ninjas or p-p-p-p-p-pussies?

Cartman: We're twice the ninjas you fags are!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 8: Good Times with Weapons
Tagged: Stuttering, Ninja, Pussies
“[after seeing a crop circle on the news that looks just like him]

Cartman: Hey, that kind of looks like...Tom Selleck.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Tom Selleck, Crop Circle
“Kenny's family is so poor that yesterday they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: Poverty, so poor jokes
“I can't lose weight, Butters, because I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 6: Jared Has Aides
Tagged: weight loss, big-boned
“If you want to find some quality friends, you have to wade through all the dicks first.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 14: You Have 0 Friends
Tagged: Friends, Dicks
“Follow your dreams, you can reach your goals, I'm living proof. Beefcake! Beefcake!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Weight Gain 4000
Tagged: Goals, Dreams, beefcake
“Stan: If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom I'd be a big fat ass, too!

Cartman: That's right! [realizes he's been insulted] AY!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Starvin' Marvin
Tagged: insults, Fat-Shaming
“[turns around] Alright, y'all, keep your eyes peeled and your guns ready. [spits something out, wipes his lips clean with the back of his shirt sleeve, and returns to patrolling the border] There's a heap of Mexicans out there who want nothing more than to sneak past our border, and we've got to stop them!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 15: The Last of the Meheecans
Tagged: Mexicans, Border Patrol, Anti-Immigration, Illegal Immigrants
“Oh, really? Gosh, where could I have put Pip's invitation? Oh, yeah, now I remember! I shoved it up my ass! Yeah, I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and, whoop! Shoved it up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party. Sorry, Pip old chap.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Starvin' Marvin
Tagged: invitations, rectal insertion
“Cartman: Wait a minute! [points at his mom/dad] If she's my dad, who's my mom?

Narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's mother? Is it Ms. Crabtree, Sheila Broflovski, the Mayor?

Cartman: ARGH, FORGET IT!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut
Tagged: paternity, Maternity
“Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos?

Stan: Dolphins don't live in igloos! That's Eskimos!

Cartman: Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? It's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Weight Gain 4000
Tagged: Dolphins, Eskimos, igloos
“Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 5: Super Best Friends
Tagged: Kenny, They Killed Kenny
“I've learned something too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor ass losers like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls
Tagged: Selling Out, Money, losers
“Stan: You suck, Cartman! If you want to play America vs. Bosnia anymore, you can just play with yourself!

Cartman: That's fine! I like playing with myself! I'll play with myself all day long!

[Kenny laughs]

Cartman: What?”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Clubhouses
Tagged: playing with yourself, mastubation, Double Entendres
“Pip: Let's hear it for Cartman's big fat ass!

[Cartman throws stone at Pip, who is struck and falls.]

Cartman: Do British people count as an ethnicity for hate crimes?

Others: Nah.

Cartman: Sweet.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 4: Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000
Tagged: big fat ass, hate crimes, british
“If a woman did that to me, I'd be all like, ‘Hey, why don't you stop...dressing me up like a mailman and making me dance for you, while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know on my dad's bed!!!’”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 5: Terrance and Phillip
Tagged: Drag, Crossdressing, Smoking Crack
“They're not people! They're hippies!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 9: Die Hippie, Die
Tagged: Hippies, Dehumanization
“Chef: [gets out of his car] Hello there, children!

Boys: Hey, Chef!

Stan: What's going to be for lunch today, Chef?

Chef: Well, today, it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles, and a choice of green-bean casserole or vegetable medley.

Cartman: Kick ass.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Chef, Salisbury Steak, Kick Ass
“Tough Guy: Get some today, and say with me—Beefcake!

Cartman: Beefcake.

Tough Guy: BEEFCAKE!!

Cartman: Beefcake!

Tough Guy/Cartman: BEEEFFCAAAAAKE!!!

Announcer: May cause irreversible damage to the kidneys and liver.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Weight Gain 4000
Tagged: beefcake, liver damage, kidney damage, male supplements
“Kyle: Whoa, Cartman. Talk about wide load.

Cartman: Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely.

Kyle: You're not filling out nicely, you're fatter than ever!

Cartman: I'm not fat! I'm getting in shape!

Kyle: Cartman, you're such a fat boy, that when you walk down the street, people go 'God damn it, that's a big fat ass!'

Cartman: No they don't, you jealous weakling!

Man: God damn, that's a big fat ass!

Cartman: Hey!!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Weight Gain 4000
Tagged: Weight Gain, fat ass, fat
“Cartman: Ants in the Pants?! ANTS IN THE PANTS?!

Kyle: It's a game, dude. It's really fun.

Cartman: You son of a bitch! You were supposed to get me red megaman! Now I can't make Ultra Mega Megaman! You dirty cheap ass piece of crap!

Kyle: They were all out of them, Dude!

Cartman: I hate you! I want you to die!

[after Cartman yells and kicks everyone out]

Damien: Wow, that kid has some real emotional problems.

Stan: Ah, he does this all the time.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Starvin' Marvin
Tagged: ants in the pants, Games, emotional problems
“Mr. Garrison: The new law states, can't sing any songs having to Jesus or Santa Claus.

Cartman: Thanks to Kyle's mother.

Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!

Mr. Garrison: So anybody knows any non-Santa or non-Jesus, Christmas song.

[Cartman raises his hand]

Mr. Garrison: Yes, Eric?

Cartman: How about we sing Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch in D minor.

Kyle: I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
Tagged: jesus, Santa Claus, stupid bitch
“Randy Marsh: Uh yes, officer?

Cartman: I clocked you at 40 MPH back there. Do you know what the speed limit is hey-ah?

Randy: Well, according to that sign right there, it's 40 MPH.

Cartman: Step out of the car, please, sir.

Randy: Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend?

Cartman: Sir, step out of the car, please.

Randy: Yeah. You're the one who always plugs up the toilet at our house.

Cartman: Ay! I am a cop, and you will respect my authority!

Randy: Yeah, right. You better get back to school, little boy. [Cartman hits Randy's shin] Ow!

Cartman: Get your ass to jail!

Randy: Ow! Hey, what the heck you doing?! You can't do that! Ow! Ow!

Cartman: Sweet.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Chickenlover
Tagged: Authority, Police, speeding ticket, Jail
“Kyle: [speaking to aliens] V-Visitors? This morning you took my brother, Ike. [sad, dramatic music begins playing] He's a little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away, but I've learned something today: That having a little brother is a pretty special thing. Aw, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have to give my brother back to me...it sure would make my life brighter again. [turns back to aliens]

Stan: That was beautiful, dude.

Kyle: Did it work?

Stan: No. They're leaving.

Kyle: Hey, you scrawny-eyed shit! What the fuck is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of fucking asshole to be able to ignore a crying child!

Stan: Whoa, dude!

Kyle: You know what you fuckers like?! You like to beep and beep and beep and beep and beep and beep!

Stan: Hey, Wendy, what's a fuck?”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: family members, Aliens, Loss, Fuck, fuckers, fucking asshole
“Cartman: For my book report, I read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It was very, very good. Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?

Mr. Garrison: No, I can't say I have.

Cartman: Oh good. In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, a bunch of hippies walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical camel, which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it. I give it a B-minus.

Mr. Garrison: And I give you an F, Eric. Now sit down!

Cartman: Goddamn it!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Chickenlover
Tagged: book report, Hippies, lion witch wardrobe, Grade F
“Kyle: You know, I've learned something today. Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care about.

Stan: Yeah!

Kyle: And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends. You're my family. Except for Cartman.

Stan: Naturally.

Cartman: Screw you guys! I don't want to be in your crazy penis-chopping family anyway!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Ike's Wee Wee
Tagged: Circumcision, Family, Care, Blood
“Randy Marsh: You do not say 'big silly goose,' you call him an asshole like a normal kid!

Stan: But Dad, I was just trying to—

Randy Marsh: Stanley, you call your friend an asshole this instant!

Stan: [to Cartman] Asshole.

Randy Marsh: That's better.

Cartman: Don't call me an asshole, you big son of a bitch!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 5: Cripple Fight
Tagged: asshole, Son of a Bitch, Assertiveness
“What has happened to this place
I don’t recognize it anymore
It used to be so fun and special
What is life worth living for The dream is dead
Our land is gone
There’s a hole in my heart
And I can’t go on
There are too many minorities (minorities)
At my water park (my water park)
This was our land, our dream (our dream)
and they’ve taken it all away
They just keep coming and coming (minorities)
I tried to go and tell the police
But even the authorities
Are minorities (are minorities)
At my water park
There’s no place for me to sit anymore
And the lines just keep getting crazier
There are Mexicans all around me
The lazy river has never been lazier
It’s a 40 minute wait to go down one slide
And the instructions are in Spanish on the Zip Line ride (just do it in English!)
There are too many minorities (too many)
At my water park (somebody do something)
Where did they all come from
Why can’t they leave this land alone
And it’s such a tragedy (feel a bit like dying)
We looked the other way too long
We’ve got to change our priorities
And get all these minorities/ Out of my water park
(Minorities) Mexicans and Asian
Black people
I think I even saw Native Americans (gross)
God I’m asking please
Get all of these minorities
Out of my water park (my water park)”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 13: Pee
Tagged: Black People, Native Americans, Ironic Racism, stereotypes
“Jimbo: Okay, each of you young'uns take a gun, a beer, and some smokes.

Cartman: Hey! I didn't get a gun! [Jimbo gives a rifle to Cartman] Sweet. This is like the gun I used in 'Nam.

Stan: You weren't in Vietnam, Cartman!

Ned: Were you stationed in DA Nang?

Stan: Cartman always makes stuff up, Ned, you can't believe anything he says.

Cartman: Hey! I'll blow your frigging head off!

Jimbo: Hey, look out, son, that's dangerous! You're gonna spill your beer!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Volcano
Tagged: Guns, Beer, Cigarettes, Vietnam, Threats, danger
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