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Eric Cartman Quotes

Total quotes: 66
“The fireman is very magical. If you rub his helmet he spits in your eye.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Ike's Wee Wee
Tagged: fireman, Magic
“Okay, that does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?! I'm sick of it! It's completely immature!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Anal Humor, Fart Jokes, Sick, Immature
“No, dude, independent films are those black-and-white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls
Tagged: Independent FIlms, Black and White, Hippie, Movies, Gay Cowboys
“Stan: My uncle Jimbo says that after this he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.

Kyle: Wow. That'd be cool.

Cartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Volcano
Tagged: Africa, Hunting, Black People, Stating the Obvious
“Cartman: I'm not the one walking around all day like Pippi Longstocking.

Stan: Well, at least my mom isn't on the cover of Crack Whore magazine.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: Pippi Longstocking, Crack Whore
“The only way to fight hate is with even more hate!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 9: Ginger Kids
Tagged: Hate, fighting fire with fire
“Cartman: You were right, doctor. Everything is okay.

Doctor: No, it's not. Eric, I'm afraid we accidentally infected you with the AIDS virus.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 12: Tonsil Trouble
Tagged: AIDS, accident
“I'm not fat, I just have a sweet hockey body.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 7: Grey Dawn
Tagged: fat, Fat shaming, hockey body
“Cartman: I would never kill somebody. Unless they pissed me off.

Grampa: Oh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell ya something, Porky. Your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little bitch!

Cartman [shocked]: What?

Grampa: That's right!

Stan: Grampa!

Grampa: And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton, and had my way with her too.

Cartman: Hey!

Grampa: Choice piece of it, your great-grandma.

Cartman: You piece of crap! I'll kill you!

Grampa: That's the spirit, Tubby!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Death
Tagged: Necrophilia, i fucked your mom, piece of crap
“Cartman: Aw...dude. You shot him in the dick.

Butters: Huh?

Cartman: That's not cool Butters. You don't shoot a guy in the dick.

Butters: But I was just trying to stop him and you said—

Cartman: It doesn't matter, Butters! You never shoot a guy in the dick! Everyone knows that! Shooting a guy in the dick!? That's just...that's just weak...I can't believe you, Butters.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 12: The China Probrem
Tagged: Shot in the dick
“Hey you guys, you know what they call a Jewish woman's boobs? ... Jewbs!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 10: The Return of Chef
Tagged: Jewish, boobs, Jewbs
“Hey! If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack and blow your balls all over your pants!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Summer Sucks
Tagged: Threats, Firecrackers, Nut Sack, balls
“Jimmy: What-what's the matter, fellas? Are you ninjas or p-p-p-p-p-pussies?

Cartman: We're twice the ninjas you fags are!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 8: Good Times with Weapons
Tagged: Stuttering, Ninja, Pussies
“[after seeing a crop circle on the news that looks just like him]

Cartman: Hey, that kind of looks like...Tom Selleck.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Tom Selleck, Crop Circle
“Mrs. Cartman: Eric, I just got a call from your friend Kyle's mother. She said that this show is naughty and might make you a potty-mouth.

Cartman: That's a bunch of crap. Kyle's mom is a dirty Jew!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Death
Tagged: naughty, Potty Mouth, Jew, Anti-Semitism
“Speak to me, Helen. Let me be your voice. [nothing happens] Come on, you blind bitch! Channel your spirit through me!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 4: Helen Keller! The Musical
Tagged: Helen Keller, Seances
“Stan: I don't want to shoot the bunny.

Jimbo: No nephew of mine is going to be a tree-hugger!

Cartman: Yeah, hippie! Go back to Woodstock if you don't want to shoot anything!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Volcano
Tagged: woodstock, Hippie, tree-hugger
“Kyle: Cartman, what kind of costume is that?

Cartman: It's an Adolf Hitler costume. Sieg heil! Sieg heil!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: Hitler, Sieg Heil
“Cartman: Go back to Endor, you stupid Wookie!

Kyle: Wookies don't live on Endor.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: endor, wookies
“Hey guys, check out this song I made up, it's called 'I hate you guys.' [singing] I hate you guys! You guys are assholes! Especially Kenny! I hate him the most!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 3: Tweek vs. Craig
Tagged: Songs, Hate
“ Hmm. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Hmm, let's see.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 4: The Tooth Fairy Tats 2000
Tagged: penis, Castration
“Kenny's family is so poor that yesterday they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: Poverty, so poor jokes
“Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kyle. What's the matter, you got some sand in your vagina?”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 5: It Hits the Fan
Tagged: irritable, sand in your vagina
“Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay. But I'm not going to play with it 'cause dreidel's friggin' gay.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 3: Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics
Tagged: dreidel, gay, Homophobia
“I can't lose weight, Butters, because I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 6: Jared Has Aides
Tagged: weight loss, big-boned
“If you want to find some quality friends, you have to wade through all the dicks first.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 14: You Have 0 Friends
Tagged: Friends, Dicks
“Follow your dreams, you can reach your goals, I'm living proof. Beefcake! Beefcake!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Weight Gain 4000
Tagged: Goals, Dreams, beefcake
“Stan: If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom I'd be a big fat ass, too!

Cartman: That's right! [realizes he's been insulted] AY!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Starvin' Marvin
Tagged: insults, Fat-Shaming
“Cartman: Mr. Garrison, why do poor people smell like sour milk?

Mr. Garrison: I don't know, Eric, they just do.

[Kyle sniffs Kenny in disgust]”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
Tagged: Poor People, Smells
“[turns around] Alright, y'all, keep your eyes peeled and your guns ready. [spits something out, wipes his lips clean with the back of his shirt sleeve, and returns to patrolling the border] There's a heap of Mexicans out there who want nothing more than to sneak past our border, and we've got to stop them!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 15: The Last of the Meheecans
Tagged: Mexicans, Border Patrol, Anti-Immigration, Illegal Immigrants
“Oh, really? Gosh, where could I have put Pip's invitation? Oh, yeah, now I remember! I shoved it up my ass! Yeah, I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and, whoop! Shoved it up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party. Sorry, Pip old chap.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Starvin' Marvin
Tagged: invitations, rectal insertion
“Cartman: Wait a minute! [points at his mom/dad] If she's my dad, who's my mom?

Narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's mother? Is it Ms. Crabtree, Sheila Broflovski, the Mayor?

Cartman: ARGH, FORGET IT!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut
Tagged: paternity, Maternity
“Cartman: Mom, tell them how everyone in your family was big-boned. Tell them how they were fat, but grew into their bodies when they got older.

Liane Cartman: Oh, sweetie, those were all lies. You're just fat.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 4: Fat Camp
Tagged: big-boned, fat, Fat-Shaming, Lies
“Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos?

Stan: Dolphins don't live in igloos! That's Eskimos!

Cartman: Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? It's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Weight Gain 4000
Tagged: Dolphins, Eskimos, igloos
“Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 5: Super Best Friends
Tagged: Kenny, They Killed Kenny
“I've learned something too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor ass losers like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls
Tagged: Selling Out, Money, losers
“Stan: You suck, Cartman! If you want to play America vs. Bosnia anymore, you can just play with yourself!

Cartman: That's fine! I like playing with myself! I'll play with myself all day long!

[Kenny laughs]

Cartman: What?”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Clubhouses
Tagged: playing with yourself, mastubation, Double Entendres
“Pip: Let's hear it for Cartman's big fat ass!

[Cartman throws stone at Pip, who is struck and falls.]

Cartman: Do British people count as an ethnicity for hate crimes?

Others: Nah.

Cartman: Sweet.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 4: Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000
Tagged: big fat ass, hate crimes, british
“Aw, it smells like Kenny's house in here!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Prehistoric Ice Man
Tagged: Cows, Anus, House, odor
“You gotta respect my authora-tah!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: Authority, Hitler
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