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Latest Quotes

“Mr. Garrison: And where are you from, Damien?

Damien: The seventh layer of hell!

Mr. Garrison: Oh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama.”
— Mr. Garrison, South Park, Season 1: Starvin' Marvin
Tagged: Hell, Alabama
“Oh, really? Gosh, where could I have put Pip's invitation? Oh, yeah, now I remember! I shoved it up my ass! Yeah, I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and, whoop! Shoved it up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party. Sorry, Pip old chap.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Starvin' Marvin
Tagged: invitations, rectal insertion
“Stan: If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom I'd be a big fat ass, too!

Cartman: That's right! [realizes he's been insulted] AY!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Starvin' Marvin
Tagged: insults, Fat-Shaming
“[imitating Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' video clip] 

I'm going to make love, even when I'm dead. 

My body might get cold, but it's always hot in bed! 

Make love, don't you be afraid! 

Just because my heart isn't beating, doesn't mean you won't get laid!”
— Chef, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: Michael Jackson, thriller, parodies, Necrophilia
“Chef: [talking to Cartman, who's dressed like a Klansman] Remind me to whoop your ass good next time I see you.”
— Chef, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: KKK, Threats
“You gotta respect my authora-tah!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: Authority, Hitler
“Cartman: Go back to Endor, you stupid Wookie!

Kyle: Wookies don't live on Endor.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: endor, wookies
“Officer Barbrady: You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.

Chef: Actually—

Mayor: Well I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese Mafia.

Officer Barbrady: Not a thingy-dingy.”
— Chef, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: Japanese Mafia, Money, pants, police investigations
“Cartman: Too bad drinking Scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire.

Kenny: [oblivious to Cartman's statement]

Cartman: I said your dad would be a millionaire, get it?!?!

Kenny: [oblivious]

Cartman: exasperated Kenny! Your family's poor, Kenny! Your family's poor!  I don't like Kenny anymore, h-he just doesn't communicate.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: Alcohol, Scotch, Millionaire, insults, poor
“Stan: Aw man, I feel like a total choad.

Cartman: Aw come on, Stan. Maybe that's because you look like a total choad.

Chef: Hello there, Children!

Cartman: Hey, Chef!

Chef: [after looking at Cartman who's dressed like a Klansman] Aah!

Cartman: Whoa, Chef's really scared of ghosts, huh?”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: choad, KKK, Klansman, Ghosts, Mistaken Identity
“Kenny's family is so poor that yesterday they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: Poverty, so poor jokes
“Cartman: What are you supposed to be, Stan, Howdy Doody?

Stan: No, I'm Raggedy Andy, Mr. Cartman.

Cartman: Oh, heh, wow, you you look pretty cool. [he laughs along with Kyle]

Kyle: Sissy.

Stan: I'll kick your ass, Kyle!

Cartman: Oh, look out! Holly Hobbie's all pissed off!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: Howdy Doody, Raggedy Ann, Holly HObbie, costumes, Raggedy Andy
“Kyle: Cartman, what kind of costume is that?

Cartman: It's an Adolf Hitler costume. Sieg heil! Sieg heil!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: Hitler, Sieg Heil
“[Coroner #2 puts Worcestershire sauce on a hot dog]

Coroner #1: Marty, do you have to put that stuff on everything?

Coroner #2: I don't know, it just—it just makes everything taste so English.”
— Coroner #2, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: worcester sauce, english
“Enya-style music: Take a look, take a look, take a look above the sky! Come and fly, take a ride—

Stan: This music is terrible! It's cheesy but lame, and eerily soothing at the same time!

Grampa: Now you know what's it's like to be old!”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Death
Tagged: enya, Music, soothing, old age
“Protester: Look, it's the president of the network!

John Horsoff: Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is John Horsoff. I have prepared a speech on behalf of the network. Fuck you!

[pause]

John Horsoff: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. If there are any questions, you may direct them to that brick wall over there.”
— John Horsoff, South Park, Season 1: Death
Tagged: TV network, Fuck You
“We interrupt this program to bring you loud static.”
— Announcer, South Park, Season 1: Death
Tagged: static, we interrupt this program
“Stan: Jesus, is it okay to kill somebody if they ask you to? Because they're in a lot of pain, you know, like assisted suicide?

[pause]

Jesus: My son, I wouldn't touch that with a sixty-foot pole.

Stan: [hangs up] Goddamn it!

Jesus: I heard that!”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Death
Tagged: prayer, jesus, Murder, Assisted Suicide, blasphemy
“[Cartman punches Kyle in the shoulder]

Kyle: Ow! What the hell was that for?!

Cartman: That's for your stupid mother! She made me miss Terrance & Phillip last night!

Clyde: Yeah, what's the big idea having your mom call our moms last night?

Kyle: Well I didn't have her do it. She did it on her own.

Cartman: Why does this happen every month? It seems like, right around the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something and I always end up getting screwed by it!

Mr. Garrison: Children! Children! A certain student's mother called me last night.

Cartman: [tauntingly] Oh, gee, I wonder whose mother that could have been?

Mr. Garrison: She informed me that some of you might be watching a, naughty show called Terrance & Phillip.

Class: Yeahh, woohoo!

Mr. Hat: Watching that show is bad, Mr. Garrison.

Mr. Garrison: That's right, Mr. Hat, shows like Terrance & Phillip are what we call 'toilet humor.' They don't expand your minds.

[silence]

Mr. Garrison: You see children, these kind of shows are senseless, vile trash.

[Kenny walks in]

Mr. Garrison: Kenny, why are you late to class?

[Kenny hands Mr. Garrison a note. The note reads 'Please excuse me from being late, I have a case of explosive Diarrhea, signed-K']

Mr. Garrison: Oh, okay Kenny, be seated.

[addressing the class]

Mr. Garrison: Now, as I was saying, the reason that parents of South Park are so upset is because...

[Kenny is waving his hand frantically]

Mr. Garrison: Yes Kenny, what is it?

Kenny: (I have to go pee.)

Mr. Garrison: I thought you just came from the bathroom.

Kenny: (I did, I gotta go again...)

Mr. Garrison: Okay okay, go ahead.

[Kenny goes in the restroom]

Mr. Garrison: As I was saying, you all seem to enjoy this show, even though it isn't based in reality. There's much more to life than two young men farting on each other. And throughout history there have always been shows that have come and gone that have been very bad, and usually they get taken right off the air. You see, you should be spending your time enlightening your minds with more intelligent entertainment.

[throughout the lecture, sounds of some serious diarrhea come from the bathroom. The sounds get progressively worse as Kenny reenters the classroom at the end of the lecture]

Stan: Whoa, smells like you slaughtered a cow in there, Kenny!

Mr. Garrison: Pay attention, children!”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Death
Tagged: bathroom humor, Defecation, Farting
“Cartman: I would never kill somebody. Unless they pissed me off.

Grampa: Oh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell ya something, Porky. Your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little bitch!

Cartman [shocked]: What?

Grampa: That's right!

Stan: Grampa!

Grampa: And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton, and had my way with her too.

Cartman: Hey!

Grampa: Choice piece of it, your great-grandma.

Cartman: You piece of crap! I'll kill you!

Grampa: That's the spirit, Tubby!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Death
Tagged: Necrophilia, i fucked your mom, piece of crap
“Randy: How does it feel to be 102, Pops?

Grampa: Shoot me!

Sharon: Make a wish, Grampa!

Grampa: I wish I were dead!

Randy: [chuckles]: That's our silly Grampa.

Grampa: I'm not being silly: shoot me! I'd do it myself, but I'm too damn old!”
— Randy Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Death
Tagged: make a wish, centenarian, Age, Too Old, Shoot Me
“It appears that the horrible, destructive creature is actually 8-year-old Stan Marsh of South Park. When asked why he was wreaking such havoc on his hometown, the little boy replied, 'Me Stan, bachump, BA-chewy-chump, BA-chewy-chump.' Back to you in the studio.”
— News Broadcaster, South Park, Season 1: An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig
Tagged: News Reports, Mistaken Identity
“Cartman: If a woman did that to me, I'd be all like, 'Hey, why don't you stop...dressing me up like a mailman and making me dance for you, while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know on my dad's bed?'

Stan: Cartman, what the heck are you talking about?

Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig
Tagged: Smoking Crack, bedroom, wuss, role playing
“Chef: Now children, gather around, and watch the wonders of life. The beauty of Mother Nature.

[The pig is heard squealing loudly]

Stan: Ah, sick!

Cartman: Fluffy!

Chef: Hmm, now I know how all those white women must have felt.”
— Chef, South Park, Season 1: An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig
Tagged: Reproduction, Mother Nature, Pig, White Women
“Kyle: Stan, you can use family love as a weapon against Shelley. The next time she's going to kick your ass, just tell her 'Shelley, you're my sister and I love you.'

Kenny [muffled]: And I want to see you handling your breasts.

Stan: Sick, dude, she's my sister!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 1: An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig
Tagged: Family Love, kick your ass, I Love You, breasts, Harassment
“Mrs. Crabtree: Wait! What's that thing?! [referring to the elephant]

Kyle: Oh, this is the new retarded kid.

Mrs. Crabtree: Oh. I'm sorry, little girl, but you still can't get on. You have to take the Special Ed bus.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 1: An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig
Tagged: retarded kid, short bus, Elephant, antrhopomorphism
“Jimbo: Come on, Ned, and keep quiet.

Ned: Okay. [They climb over the fence and encounter...]

Jimbo: Hello, Enrique.

Ned: What are we doing here?

Jimbo: Well, Ned, we always kidnapped Middle Park's mascot. But this year we're going to booby-trap it instead. [puts bomb on Enrique's back] And when John Stamos's older brother hits that high F in 'Loving You', boom! [Enrique gets wide-eyed] No more Middle Park players. [Enrique starts to tremble. Jimbo and Ned laugh victoriously] Goddamn, I love football.”
— Jimbo Kearn, South Park, Season 1: Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride
Tagged: Footnall, rivalry, Mascot, Kidnapping, John Stamos, Death Threats
“Stan: Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut—

Chef: HIKE THE DAMN BALL!!”
— Chef, South Park, Season 1: Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride
Tagged: procrastination, Football
“Barbrady: Okay people, listen up. As we near the top of the mountain, the chances of our encountering some lava becomes great. Therefore, I have special ordered this training film to assist us in volcano safety. Mr. Garrison, if you would, please?

[Garrison turns on the movie projector to watch a 1952 training video called Lava and You.]

Instructor: Harbingers of sorrow, natural disasters can be the cause of troubling and undesirable stress—and a volcano is no exception. But what should you do if a volcano erupts near you or your family? Here, we see the Stevens family enjoying on their picnic. But suddenly, daughter hears a noise: it's a volcano. Junior seems worried—but have no fear, Junior. Jane learned in school what to do when you hear a volcano erupt. [Jane uses a picnic blanket, covering her family] That's right, Jane—duck and cover. [lava passes through blanket, leaving family unharmed] So what will you do when you hear a volcano erupting? That's right, duck and cover. Looks like you got the idea. Duck and cover. Thank you and goodbye. [end of film]

Barbrady: Okay, any questions?

Chef: That has got to be the most ridiculous load of pig crap I have ever seen!

Barbrady: That's enough out of you!”
— Chef, South Park, Season 1: Volcano
Tagged: training videos, Lava, harm, volcano, pig crap
“Stan: I don't want to shoot the bunny.

Jimbo: No nephew of mine is going to be a tree-hugger!

Cartman: Yeah, hippie! Go back to Woodstock if you don't want to shoot anything!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Volcano
Tagged: woodstock, Hippie, tree-hugger

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About The Authors

This page was created by our editorial team. Each page is manually curated, researched, collected, and issued by our staff writers. Quotes contained on this page have been double checked for their citations, their accuracy and the impact it will have on our readers.

Kelly Peacock is an accomplished poet and social media expert based in Brooklyn, New York. Kelly has a Bachelor's degree in creative writing from Farieligh Dickinson University and has contributed to many literary and cultural publications. Kelly assists on a wide variety of quote inputting and social media functions for Quote Catalog. Visit her personal website here.

Kendra Syrdal is a writer, editor, partner, and senior publisher for The Thought & Expression Company. Over the last few years she has been personally responsible for writing, editing, and producing over 30+ million pageviews on Thought Catalog.