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David A. Goodman Quotes

Total quotes: 23
“Priest Maxi: Blessed be the name of Jesus!

Crowd: It's a great name, isn't it?”
— Priest Maxi, South Park, Season 3: Spontaneous Combustion
Tagged: jesus
“We're not going to let them commit suicide, even if we have to kill them.”
— ATF Agent, South Park, Season 3: Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub
Tagged: Murder, Suicide
“Chief Running Water: I knew that she wanted me because she kept saying romantic things.

Mrs. Cartman: 'Oh Chief, I want your hot man-chowder.'

Chief Running Water: Whoa, Hell-o!”
— Ms. Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut
Tagged: Hot Man-chowder, Romantic
“Sharon Marsh: Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick?

Stan: [screaming] No! I have to get it out!”
— Sharon Marsh, South Park, Season 2: Conjoined Fetus Lady
Tagged: Suicide Attempts, Delusion
“Kenny: Oh my God! They killed Mephisto!

Kyle: You bastards!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 2: Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut
Tagged: Bastards
“Cartman: Wait a minute! [points at his mom/dad] If she's my dad, who's my mom?

Narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's mother? Is it Ms. Crabtree, Sheila Broflovski, the Mayor?

Cartman: ARGH, FORGET IT!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut
Tagged: paternity, Maternity
“So Jesus died and then three days later he had an erection.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 3: Spontaneous Combustion
Tagged: jesus, Resurrection, erection
“Officer Barbarady: Yes, at first I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical, but then I read this: Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of its garbage, and because of this piece of shoot, I'm never reading again.

Stan/Kyle: Hooray for Barbarady!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 2: Chickenlover
Tagged: Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand, garbage, Reading
“Mr. Garrison: Now kids we're going to talk about sexual harassment.

Cartman: Is sexual harassment when you're making out with a girl and a guy tickles your balls from behind?

Mr. Garrison: No, Cartman, That's not sexual harassment.”
— Mr. Garrison, South Park, Season 3: Sexual Harassment Panda
Tagged: Sexual Harassment, ball tickling
“Mrs. Cartman: Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.

Kyle: He must have a huge bone in his ass, then. [Cartman's mom bursts out laughing]

Cartman: Goddamn it, Mom!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 3: Hooked on Monkey Fonics
Tagged: fat, big-boned, Fat-Shaming, ass bone
“Radio Announcer: How do you feel about the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt, little boy?

Stan: This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 3: Hooked on Monkey Fonics
Tagged: That's Gay, Halloween
“Nurse: When was the fetus conceived?

Mrs. Cartman: Eight years ago.

Nurse: So that would make the fetus—

Mrs. Cartman: Eight years old.

Nurse: That places you in what we call the fortieth trimester.”
— Ms. Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut
Tagged: Fetus, Pregnancy
“We're all a little gay.”
— Jimbo, South Park, Season 3: Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub
Tagged: gay, everyone is gay
“Chief Running Water: I hate to break this to you, but your mother is what we Native Americans call 'bear with wiiiide canyon.'

Cartman: Huh?

Chief Running Water: She is 'doe who cannot keep legs together.'

Cartman: What?

Chief Running Water: Your mom's a slut.

Cartman: Hey!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut
Tagged: Slut, Slut-shaming, Native Americans
“Cartman: More tea, Rumpertumskin?

Rumpertumskin: Yes, please, Eric. You are tough and handsome.

Cartman: Thank you, Rumpertumskin. And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?

Clyde Frog: I think you're a big fat piece of crap.

Cartman: AY!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut
Tagged: Tough, Handsome, insults, Crap
“Priest Maxi: Good. Boys, how would you like to perform the Stations of the Cross this Friday night?

Stan: The what?

Priest Maxi: It's like a skit, where you re-enact the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Kyle: Hey, res-erection! That's what my dad needs!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 3: Spontaneous Combustion
Tagged: stations of the cross, erection, skit
“Lois Griffin: Stewie? What are you doing here?

Stewie Griffin: [points a gun at Lois] Oh there is a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, with all indignity you force me to suffer for all these years!

Lois Griffin: Wha? What are you doing with a gun?

Stewie Griffin: Something I should have done a very long time ago!”
— Stewie Griffin, Family Guy, Season 6: Stewie Kills Lois
Tagged: Killing, I Hate You Mom
“Mrs. Crabtree: COME ON! WE'RE RUNNING LATE!

Stan: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch!

Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Stan: I said we're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.

Mrs. Crabtree: [calmly] Oh. Alright then. [drives off]

Kyle: Whoa, dude!

Stan: I always wondered if that would work.”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut
Tagged: fat ugly bitch, insults
“Randy Marsh: Uh yes, officer?

Cartman: I clocked you at 40 MPH back there. Do you know what the speed limit is hey-ah?

Randy: Well, according to that sign right there, it's 40 MPH.

Cartman: Step out of the car, please, sir.

Randy: Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend?

Cartman: Sir, step out of the car, please.

Randy: Yeah. You're the one who always plugs up the toilet at our house.

Cartman: Ay! I am a cop, and you will respect my authority!

Randy: Yeah, right. You better get back to school, little boy. [Cartman hits Randy's shin] Ow!

Cartman: Get your ass to jail!

Randy: Ow! Hey, what the heck you doing?! You can't do that! Ow! Ow!

Cartman: Sweet.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Chickenlover
Tagged: Authority, Police, speeding ticket, Jail
“Cartman: Mom, can I ask you a question?

Mrs. Cartman: Sure, Hun.

Cartman: You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?

Mrs. Cartman: Uh-huh.

Cartman: And my friend Kyle has a dad and my friend Kenny has a dad?

Mrs. Cartman: Yes?

[long pause]

Mrs. Cartman: Well, what's your question, Hun?

Cartman: Goddamn it, do I have a dad?!

Mrs. Cartman: Oh!

Cartman: I want to know where I came from.

Mrs. Cartman: Oh. Hmm. Well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are attracted to each other, they want to be close to each other.

Cartman: Uh-huh...

Mrs. Cartman: And sometimes the man puts his hoo-hoo dilly in the woman's cha-cha.

[long pause]

Cartman: So who put his hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha?”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut
Tagged: facts of life, Birds and Bees, Reproduction, Hoo-Hoo Dilly, Cha-Cha, Euphemisms
“Narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it Chief Running Water? Or is it Chef? Is it Mephesto? Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?

Jimbo: Nope. He's gay.

Mr. Garrison: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!

Narrator: Is it Jimbo?

Jimbo: Daaagh!

Narrator: Or is it Officer Barbrady?

Officer Barbrady: Huh?! Where?!

Narrator: Or could it be Ned?

Ned: Could be.

Narrator: Or Mr. Broflovski?

Kyle: Dad, how could you?!

Narrator: Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks.

Cartman: What?! Son of a bitch!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut
Tagged: paternity, denver broncos
“Cartman: For my book report, I read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It was very, very good. Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?

Mr. Garrison: No, I can't say I have.

Cartman: Oh good. In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, a bunch of hippies walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical camel, which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it. I give it a B-minus.

Mr. Garrison: And I give you an F, Eric. Now sit down!

Cartman: Goddamn it!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Chickenlover
Tagged: book report, Hippies, lion witch wardrobe, Grade F
“Mayor: The Chickenfucker struck again last night.

Kyle: Oh, no!

Officer Barbarady: Oh Mayor, please, when we're around children we prefer to call him the 'chicken lover.'

Mayor's Assistant: This time he made love to Carla Weathers's prize chicken. She's catatonic.

Barbrady: Who? Carla Weathers or the chicken?”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 2: Chickenlover
Tagged: Chickenfucker, Bestiality, Catatonic
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