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Peter Mehlman Quotes

Total quotes: 91
“George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?


Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge
Tagged: condoms, Abstinence
“Audrey: It’s amazing how many beautiful women live in New York. I actually find it kind of intimidating.

Kramer: Well, you’re just as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Nose Job
Tagged: Nose Job, New York, Bluntless, Too Honest
“Jerry: Father, I’ve never done this before, so I’m not sure about what I’m supposed to do.


Priest: All right, my son. You can start by telling me your sins.


Jerry: Well, I’m Jewish.


Priest: Well that’s no sin,.


Jerry: Oh…”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada
Tagged: Confession, Priests, Catholicism, Jewish, Sin
“Cushman: I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we’ve seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There’s someone here I’d like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants.

George Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.

George: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughingstock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.

George Steinbrenner: Hire this man!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Hamptons
Tagged: Massive Ego, New York Yankees, George Steinbrenner, Opposite
“People don't turn down money! It's what separates us from the animals.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 2: The Apartment
Tagged: Greed, Money, humanity
“Look, I work for the phone company. I've had a lot of experience with semantics, so don't try to lure me into some maze of circular logic.”
— Phone Guy #1, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Maid
Tagged: Circular Logic, Phone Companies, Semantics
“I'll tell you why. Because I believe Whatley converted to Judaism just for the jokes.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada
Tagged: Judaism, Religious Conversion, Joke Telling Immunity, Jokes
“I'm going to save up every rupee. Someday I will get back to America, and when I do I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget him. He haunts me. He is a very bad man. He is a very, very bad man.”
— Babu Bhatt, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Visa
Tagged: America, Immigration, Revenge, Vengeance, Evil
“Boxers! How do you wear these things!! Look at that—they're baggin' up, they're rising in! And there's nothing holding me in place! I'm flippin'! I'm floppin'!”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Chinese Woman
Tagged: Underwear, Boxer Shorts, Freeballing
“Articulate—me? I've never articulated anything, I'm completely incoherent.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Wait Out
Tagged: Articulate, Incoherent, Self-Deprecating
“Do the medical journals mention anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Wife
Tagged: Public Urination, Medical Journals
“I mean, I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge
Tagged: Sex, Good People, admiration
“You were completely right. I sleep so much better when I'm alone. And you scream in your sleep.”
— Emily, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Money
Tagged: Sleeping, Sleeping Alone, Insomnia
“This thing is like an onion. The more layers you peel, the more it stinks.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Soul Mate
Tagged: Conspiracy, Onions
“You know, they always remember the first time. I don't want to be remembered. I wanna be forgotten.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Virgin
Tagged: Virginity, first time, Being Forgotten
“Well, I just want you to know I'm there for you. Course now I'm here for you, but when I'm not here for you, I'm there for you.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Wait Out
Tagged: There For You, manipulation, Emotional Support, Breakups
“Elaine: Is it possible I’m not attractive as I think I am?


Jerry: Anything’s possible.”
— Elaine Benes, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car
Tagged: Attractive, Possible, Dunning-Kruger
“I think you're both mentally ill. And by the way...they're real, and they're spectacular.”
— Sidra, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Implant
Tagged: Breast Implants, Mental Illness
“Y’know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now. It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car
Tagged: Lesbianism, Attraction, Breakups
“You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine. Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car
Tagged: body odor, Stench, odor
“Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This is not just an odor—you need a priest to get rid of this thing.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car
Tagged: body odor, Priests, Exorcism
“I thought you said you was bringin' a white boy home! I don't see a white boy! I see a damn fool!”
— Grandpa, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Wife
Tagged: Tanning Beds, White People, Black People
“They're worse! They're much worse than us, they talk about everything! Couldn't you at least tell her about the shrinkage factor?”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Hamptons
Tagged: Shrinkage, Women, Gossip
“If I date a taking person, everyone's taking, taking, taking, no one's giving—it's bedlam.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge
Tagged: Takers, Givers, Dating, Relationships
“I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others—I can't be with someone like that.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge
Tagged: Caregivers, Good People, Dating, Irony
“Well, we were engaged to be married, uh, we bought the wedding invitations, and, uh, yada yada yada, I'm still single.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada
Tagged: Breakups, Marriage, Wedding Invitations, Single, Yada Yada
“Hey, I'm on first and first. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Maid
Tagged: Universe, lost, Directions
“A lesbian sighting. Oh-ho! My lucky day. They're so fascinating. Why is that? Because they don't want us. You gotta respect that.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car
Tagged: Lesbians, Respect, Attraction, Self-deprecation
“But love is spice with many tastes. A dizzying array of textures...and moments.”
— Newman, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Soul Mate
Tagged: Love, Spice
“Speaking of exes, my old boyfriend came over late last night, and, yada yada yada, anyway. I'm really tired today.”
— Marcy, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada
Tagged: Yada Yada, Exes, Sex
“As much as I'd like to see the two of you living it up in a warm, tropical setting, I, I would just miss you too much. So I've decided I want you to stay.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Money
Tagged: Parents, Empty Nest, Florida, New York
“Yeah, since she met him she's been vomited on, her family cabin's been burned down, she learned her father's a homosexual, and she got fired from a high-paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going.”
— Elaine Benes, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Virgin
Tagged: Bad Luck, Outing, Sarcasm
“You know the way I am—rarely ever thinking of myself. My only concern is the welfare and happiness of those close to me. Sure, it hurts sometimes—to give, and give, and give.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 2: The Apartment
Tagged: selfishness, Generosity, Happiness
“You see, this is what I do with women. I start out too strong, now I have to become real, that's when it all falls apart. What good is real? They don't want real, they want funny.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Visa
Tagged: Dating, Self-Consciousness
“You dipped the chip. You took a bite. And you dipped again. That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip—just take one dip and end it.”
— Timmy, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Implant
Tagged: Double Dipping, disease
“Your boyfriend is a normal guy. He just happens to have the same name as one of the worst serial killers in the history of New York.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Masseuse
Tagged: Joel Rifkin, boyfriends, Serial Killers
“You know, everybody listens to the Chinese. I mean, look at the fortune cookie. You couldn't get away with that in any other restaurant.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Chinese Woman
Tagged: Chinese People, Fortune Cookies
“All you people with hair think you're so damn superior! You have no idea what it's like. You ever look down in the bottom of your tub and see a fist fulla hair? How'd you like to start your day with that?”
— Toupee Salesman, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Scofflaw
Tagged: Male Pattern Baldness, Balding, Shame
“It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Shower Head
Tagged: baths, Bathing, Germophobia, Parasites, Microorganisms
“I once told a woman that I don't eat cake 'cause it goes right to my thighs.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Soul Mate
Tagged: Pickup Lines, Gluttony, fat, diet
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