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Peter Mehlman Quotes

Total quotes (90)

Peter Mehlman

Peter Mehlman

Birthname

Occupations Screenwriter

Total quotes (90)

George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?

Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge

condoms Abstinence

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Audrey: It’s amazing how many beautiful women live in New York. I actually find it kind of intimidating.

Kramer: Well, you’re just as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job.

— Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Nose Job

Nose Job New York Bluntless Too Honest

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Jerry: Father, I’ve never done this before, so I’m not sure about what I’m supposed to do.

Priest: All right, my son. You can start by telling me your sins.

Jerry: Well, I’m Jewish.

Priest: Well that’s no sin,.

Jerry: Oh…

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada

Confession Priests Catholicism Jewish Sin

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Cushman: I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we’ve seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There’s someone here I’d like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants.

George Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.

George: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughingstock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.

George Steinbrenner: Hire this man!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Hamptons

Massive Ego New York Yankees George Steinbrenner Opposite

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People don't turn down money! It's what separates us from the animals.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 2: The Apartment

Greed Money humanity

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I'm going to save up every rupee. Someday I will get back to America, and when I do I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget him. He haunts me. He is a very bad man. He is a very, very bad man.

— Babu Bhatt (Brian George), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Visa

America Immigration Revenge Vengeance Evil

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Boxers! How do you wear these things!! Look at that—they're baggin' up, they're rising in! And there's nothing holding me in place! I'm flippin'! I'm floppin'!

— Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards), Seinfeld, Season 6: The Chinese Woman

Underwear Boxer Shorts Freeballing

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Articulate—me? I've never articulated anything, I'm completely incoherent.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Wait Out

Articulate Incoherent Self-Deprecating

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I'll tell you why. Because I believe Whatley converted to Judaism just for the jokes.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada

Judaism Religious Conversion Joke Telling Immunity Jokes

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Look, I work for the phone company. I've had a lot of experience with semantics, so don't try to lure me into some maze of circular logic.

— Phone Guy #1 (Sam Whipple), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Maid

Circular Logic Phone Companies Semantics

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Do the medical journals mention anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Wife

Public Urination Medical Journals

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You were completely right. I sleep so much better when I'm alone. And you scream in your sleep.

— Emily (Sarah Silverman), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Money

Sleeping Sleeping Alone Insomnia

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I mean, I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge

Sex Good People admiration

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I think you're both mentally ill. And by the way...they're real, and they're spectacular.

— Sidra (Teri Hatcher), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Implant

Breast Implants Mental Illness

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Y’know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now. It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car

Lesbianism Attraction Breakups

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You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine. Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car

body odor Stench odor

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Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This is not just an odor—you need a priest to get rid of this thing.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car

body odor Priests Exorcism

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I thought you said you was bringin' a white boy home! I don't see a white boy! I see a damn fool!

— Grandpa (Nick LaTour), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Wife

Tanning Beds White People Black People

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They're worse! They're much worse than us, they talk about everything! Couldn't you at least tell her about the shrinkage factor?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Hamptons

Shrinkage Women Gossip

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If I date a taking person, everyone's taking, taking, taking, no one's giving—it's bedlam.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge

Takers Givers Dating Relationships

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I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others—I can't be with someone like that.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge

Caregivers Good People Dating Irony

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Well, we were engaged to be married, uh, we bought the wedding invitations, and, uh, yada yada yada, I'm still single.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada

Breakups Marriage Wedding Invitations Single Yada Yada

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Hey, I'm on first and first. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe.

— Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Maid

Universe lost Directions

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Well, I just want you to know I'm there for you. Course now I'm here for you, but when I'm not here for you, I'm there for you.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Wait Out

There For You manipulation Emotional Support Breakups

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This thing is like an onion. The more layers you peel, the more it stinks.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Soul Mate

Conspiracy Onions

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You know, they always remember the first time. I don't want to be remembered. I wanna be forgotten.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Virgin

Virginity first time Being Forgotten

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Elaine: Is it possible I’m not attractive as I think I am?

Jerry: Anything’s possible.

— Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car

Attractive Possible Dunning-Kruger

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A lesbian sighting. Oh-ho! My lucky day. They're so fascinating. Why is that? Because they don't want us. You gotta respect that.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car

Lesbians Respect Attraction Self-deprecation

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But love is spice with many tastes. A dizzying array of textures...and moments.

— Newman (Wayne Knight), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Soul Mate

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Speaking of exes, my old boyfriend came over late last night, and, yada yada yada, anyway. I'm really tired today.

— Marcy, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada

Yada Yada Exes Sex

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You know the way I am—rarely ever thinking of myself. My only concern is the welfare and happiness of those close to me. Sure, it hurts sometimes—to give, and give, and give.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 2: The Apartment

selfishness Generosity Happiness

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As much as I'd like to see the two of you living it up in a warm, tropical setting, I, I would just miss you too much. So I've decided I want you to stay.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Money

Parents Empty Nest Florida New York

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Yeah, since she met him she's been vomited on, her family cabin's been burned down, she learned her father's a homosexual, and she got fired from a high-paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going.

— Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Virgin

Bad Luck Outing Sarcasm

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You see, this is what I do with women. I start out too strong, now I have to become real, that's when it all falls apart. What good is real? They don't want real, they want funny.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Visa

Dating Self-Consciousness

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You dipped the chip. You took a bite. And you dipped again. That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip—just take one dip and end it.

— Timmy (Kieran Mulroney), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Implant

Double Dipping disease

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Your boyfriend is a normal guy. He just happens to have the same name as one of the worst serial killers in the history of New York.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Masseuse

Joel Rifkin boyfriends Serial Killers

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You know, everybody listens to the Chinese. I mean, look at the fortune cookie. You couldn't get away with that in any other restaurant.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 6: The Chinese Woman

Chinese People Fortune Cookies

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All you people with hair think you're so damn superior! You have no idea what it's like. You ever look down in the bottom of your tub and see a fist fulla hair? How'd you like to start your day with that?

— Toupee Salesman (Basil Hoffman), Seinfeld, Season 6: The Scofflaw

Male Pattern Baldness Balding Shame

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It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me.

— Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Shower Head

baths Bathing Germophobia Parasites Microorganisms

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I once told a woman that I don't eat cake 'cause it goes right to my thighs.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Soul Mate

Pickup Lines Gluttony fat diet

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Well, with so many people in the world deprived and unhappy, it doesn't seem like it would be fair to be cheerful.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Visa

Happiness Compassion Fairness

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Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of course I smell something.

— Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car

odor Stench Bad Smells Hard of Smelling

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Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke-telling immunity. He's already got the two big religions covered, if he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada

Judaism Christianity Jokes Joke-Telling Immunity Polish Jokes

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I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 2: The Apartment

Guilt Sex idiocy Madison Square Garden Respect

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Yeah, it was, but then I just couldn't decide if he was really sponge-worthy.

— Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge

Sponge-Worthy Spongeworthy Contraceptive Sponges Sex

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I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Nose Job

beauty repulsion stupidity Chess penis Brains

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You don't think I know how you're feeling, every second of the day? Looking over your shoulder to see if someone's coming up from behind. Sitting alone at night, knowing they could be closing in.

— Newman (Wayne Knight), Seinfeld, Season 6: The Scofflaw

Paranoia Fear dread

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You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. ‘Hey, denty!’ Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools.

— Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada

Anti-Dentite Anti-Semite Slurs

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You may think you're an idiot, but with all due respect—I’m a much bigger idiot than you are.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 2: The Apartment

idiocy Competition

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There's always that certain group of people, isn't it? They're talking and talking, and everyone around them is shushing them and shushing them. They won't shush. They're the unshushables.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 2: The Apartment

Loud People inconsiderate

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He's finished! I'm going to sew his ass to his face! I'm going to twist his neck so hard his lips will be his eyebrows! I'm going to break his joints and reattach them.

— Michael (Joseph Malone), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Good Samaritan

Threats Violence

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Kramer, you don't understand. He made the last contact between us. I had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship. If he thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand.

— Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), Seinfeld, Season 6: The Scofflaw

Breakups Upper Hand Power Struggles

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Elaine, can I just explain something to you very privately here? Susan and I have been together many, many times now, and just between you and me, there's really no big surprises here, so...makeup sex is all that I have left.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge

Makeup Sex arguments Dead Bedrooms Contraceptive Sponges

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But I am wearing the ribbon. He is wearing the ribbon. We are all wearing the ribbon! So why aren't you going to wear the ribbon?

— Bob (Yul Vazquez), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge

AIDS Ribbon AIDS HIV AIDS March bullying

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Yes! Yes! Everybody has to like me. I must be liked!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Masseuse

Being Liked Insecurity

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You can stuff you sorries in a sack, mister!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Betrayal

Apologies Cliches

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Amazing. I drive them to lesbianism, he brings 'em back.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car

Lesbianism Heterosexuality

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Mother Nature's a mad scientist, Jerry.

— Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada

Mother Nature Mad Scientist

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I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: They're meaningless!

— Newman (Wayne Knight), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Betrayal

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I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not special.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Good Samaritan

Special Not Special Self-deprecation

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Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Hamptons

Ugly Babies Genetics DNA Gene Pool

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I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 2: The Apartment

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This woman hates me so much. I'm starting to like her.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Masseuse

Masochism Attraction

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I'm just pretending I'm married to get a discount on dry-cleaning.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Wife

Marriage Dry-Cleaning

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I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.

— Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Hamptons

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If I like their race, how can that be racist?

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 6: The Chinese Woman

racism Racial Affinity racist

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I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it!

— Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards), Seinfeld, Season 6: The Chinese Woman

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Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors, and have sex without dating; that's a fantasy camp.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Visa

Fantasy Mooching Parasites

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Maybe you don't have to be so funny. I mean, would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's all I'm asking. This woman thinks I'm very funny. Now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Visa

humor comedy Dating Baldness

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Listen, I wouldn't put too much stock into what Elaine has to say about relationships. She comes from a broken home, and I mean that literally. A tree fell on her roof and cracked the whole structure. Her parents got along beautifully, but her house was in bad shape.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Virgin

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Look at you! Look at what you've sunk to! Look at what you've become! Look in the mirror, ’cause you need help, Jerry. You need help, because I can't stand by and do it anymore. It's turning my stomach! I can't stand around here watching you destroy yourself. It's eating me up inside.

— Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Nose Job

Pity Despair Hitting Bottom

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A leg man? Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have legs.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Implant

Leg Men breasts Attraction

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Well, we've gone out several times, we obviously have a good rapport. I own a very profitable electronics-distributing firm. I eat well. I exercise. Blood tests—immaculate. And if I can speak frankly, I'm actually quite good at it.

— Billy, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge

Contraceptive Sponges Sponge-Worthy Dating Sex Auditions

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But, but I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I got it all!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Visa

Disturbed Depression Inadequacy Attraction

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Is it me, or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen?

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Hamptons

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This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, here's the one thing you've gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it's over. I mean, something happens to their personality; it's really quite astounding. It's like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there.

— Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Virgin

Sex Virginity cuddling

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If there's a serial killer loose in your neighborhood, it seems like the safest thing is to be the neighbor. They never kill the neighbor. The neighbor always survives to do the interview afterwards. Right? ‘Oh, he was kind of quiet.’ I love these neighbors. They're never disturbed by the sounds of murdering, just stereo. Chainsaws, people screaming, fine. Just keep the music down.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Masseuse

Serial Killers Neighbors Murder

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Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Visa

Depression Despair Birthdays Ennui Death

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Swinging? What are you, out of your mind? Look at you, you're disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death—which is not far off, by the way.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Shower Head

Swinging Aging Mortality Grim Death Grim Reaper Flatulence

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Would you believe my luck? The first time in my life I have a good answer to the question, ‘What do you do?’ and I have a girlfriend. I mean, you don't need a girlfriend when you can answer that question. That's what you say in order to get girlfriends. Once you can get a girlfriend, you don't want a girlfriend, you just want more girlfriends.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Virgin

girlfriends status Employment

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I know what you're going through. I too once fell under the spell of opium. It was 1979. I was travelling the Yangtze in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest. I had got to the market after sundown. All of the clothing traders had gone, but a different sort of trader still lurked about. ‘Just a taste,’ he said. That was all it took.

— J. Peterman (John O'Hurley), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Shower Head

Opium Addiction Yangtze River 1979

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I mean, I should be grateful someone like her even looks at me. I have no job, nothing. But I have to say, I think about the nose. I don't want to think about the nose. I don't ask to think about the nose, but I think about it. I go to bed at night, I tell myself, ‘Don't think about the nose, forget the nose,’ but I think about it. I look at her, I see nose.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Nose Job

Rhinoplasty Big Noses

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Dark and disturbed? His whole life revolves around Superman and cereal. I convinced him to act like that so that you would think I was funnier. That's how disturbed I am! If you want disturbed, that's disturbed. You can't find sickness like that anywhere, you think sickness like that grows on trees? Nobody is sicker than me, nobody. He's pretending; I'm the genuine article.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Visa

dark Disturbed Superman Mental Illness

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I am for open immigration but that sign we have on the front of the Statue of Liberty, ‘Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses...,’ can't we just say, ‘Hey, the door's open, we'll take whoever you got’? Do we have to specify the wretched refuse? I mean, why don't we just say, ‘Give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, people that can't drive, that they have trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, they can't parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they're clogged, if they have bad penmanship, don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving, in other words any dysfunctional, defective slob that you can somehow cattle-prod onto a wagon, send them over, we want 'em.'

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Visa

Immigration Statue of Liberty Ellis Island Emma Lazarus

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Why do we need B.O.? What is the function of it? Everything in nature has a reason, has a purpose, except B.O. Doesn't make any sense—do something good, hard work, exercise, smell very bad. This is the way the human being is designed. You move, you stink. Why can't our bodies help us? Why can't sweat smell good? It'd be a different world, wouldn't it? Instead of putting your laundry in the hamper, you'd put it in a vase.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car

body odor Nature Laundry

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What are lawyers, really? To me a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only person that has read the inside of the top of the box. I think one of the fun things for them is to say, ‘objection.’ ‘Objection! Objection, Your Honor.’ Objection, of course, is the adult version of, ‘’fraid not.’ To which the judge can say two things, he can say, ‘overruled’ which is the adult version of ‘’fraid so,’ or he could say, ‘sustained,’ which is the adult version of ‘Duh.’

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Visa

Lawyers Judges Legal System board games

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The technical term for a nose job is rhinoplasty. Rhino, okay? Do we really need to insult the person at this particular moment of their lives? They know they have a big nose, that's why they're coming in. Do they really need the abuse of being compared to a rhinoceros on top of everything else? When someone goes in for a hair transplant, they don't go, ‘We're going to perform a cue-ballectomy on you, Mr. Johnson. We're going to attempt to remove the skinheadia of your chrome-domus, which is the technical term.’

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Nose Job

Rhinoplasty Nose Jobs Baldness Insensitivity

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Mr. Kramer, let me tell you a story. In nineteen-seventy-nine I ticketed a brown Dodge Diplomat for parking in a church zone. That fine was never paid, and since then that scofflaw has piled up more parking tickets than anyone in New York City. For sixteen years I pursued him, only to see him give me the slip time and time again. I never got a clean look at his face, but he's become my ‘white whale.’ Mr. Kramer, that day was yesterday! But thanks to you, I don't know if I'll ever get that chance again!

— Officer Morgan (Ivory Ocean), Seinfeld, Season 6: The Scofflaw

Parking Fines Parking Parking Tickets New York City Moby Dick

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All right. Anyway, the point I was making before Goebbels made your hamburger is a man like you could be dating women twenty years younger. C'mon, Uncle Leo, I've seen the way women look at you. When's the last time you looked in a mirror? You're an Adonis! You've got beautiful features, lovely skin, you're in the prime of your life here, you should be swinging. If I were you I'd tell this Lydia character, ‘It's been real,’ move back into that bachelor pad and put out a sign: Open for business.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Shower Head

Adonis Males Players Playing The Field Joseph Goebbels Bachelor Pad

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Yeah, I got some family backstage. Course my family's nuts; they're crazy. Yep. My uncle Leo. I had lunch with him the other day, he's one of these guys that anything goes wrong in life, he blames it on anti-Semitism. You know what I mean, the spaghetti's not al dente? Cook's an anti-Semite. Loses a bet on a horse. Secretariat? Anti-Semitic. Doesn't get a good seat at the temple. Rabbi? Anti-Semite.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Shower Head

Anti-Semitism spaghetti Secretariat Crazy Family Members Jay Leno

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