Peter Mehlman Quotes

Total quotes (91)

Peter Mehlman

Peter Mehlman

Birthname

Occupations Screenwriter

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Total quotes (91)

George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?

Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge

condoms Abstinence

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Audrey: It’s amazing how many beautiful women live in New York. I actually find it kind of intimidating.

Kramer: Well, you’re just as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job.

— Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Nose Job

Nose Job New York Bluntless Too Honest

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Jerry: Father, I’ve never done this before, so I’m not sure about what I’m supposed to do.

Priest: All right, my son. You can start by telling me your sins.

Jerry: Well, I’m Jewish.

Priest: Well that’s no sin,.

Jerry: Oh…

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada

Confession Priests Catholicism Jewish Sin

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Cushman: I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we’ve seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There’s someone here I’d like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants.

George Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.

George: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughingstock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.

George Steinbrenner: Hire this man!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Hamptons

Massive Ego New York Yankees George Steinbrenner Opposite

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People don't turn down money! It's what separates us from the animals.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 2: The Apartment

Greed Money humanity

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I'll tell you why. Because I believe Whatley converted to Judaism just for the jokes.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada

Judaism Religious Conversion Joke Telling Immunity Jokes

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Look, I work for the phone company. I've had a lot of experience with semantics, so don't try to lure me into some maze of circular logic.

— Phone Guy #1 (Sam Whipple), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Maid

Circular Logic Phone Companies Semantics

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I'm going to save up every rupee. Someday I will get back to America, and when I do I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget him. He haunts me. He is a very bad man. He is a very, very bad man.

— Babu Bhatt (Brian George), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Visa

America Immigration Revenge Vengeance Evil

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Boxers! How do you wear these things!! Look at that—they're baggin' up, they're rising in! And there's nothing holding me in place! I'm flippin'! I'm floppin'!

— Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards), Seinfeld, Season 6: The Chinese Woman

Underwear Boxer Shorts Freeballing

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Articulate—me? I've never articulated anything, I'm completely incoherent.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Wait Out

Articulate Incoherent Self-Deprecating

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Do the medical journals mention anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Wife

Public Urination Medical Journals

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I mean, I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge

Sex Good People admiration

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You were completely right. I sleep so much better when I'm alone. And you scream in your sleep.

— Emily (Sarah Silverman), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Money

Sleeping Sleeping Alone Insomnia

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You know, they always remember the first time. I don't want to be remembered. I wanna be forgotten.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Virgin

Virginity first time Being Forgotten

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Well, I just want you to know I'm there for you. Course now I'm here for you, but when I'm not here for you, I'm there for you.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Wait Out

There For You manipulation Emotional Support Breakups

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This thing is like an onion. The more layers you peel, the more it stinks.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Soul Mate

Conspiracy Onions

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Elaine: Is it possible I’m not attractive as I think I am?

Jerry: Anything’s possible.

— Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car

Attractive Possible Dunning-Kruger

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I think you're both mentally ill. And by the way...they're real, and they're spectacular.

— Sidra (Teri Hatcher), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Implant

Breast Implants Mental Illness

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Y’know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now. It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car

Lesbianism Attraction Breakups

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You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine. Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car

body odor Stench odor

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Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This is not just an odor—you need a priest to get rid of this thing.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car

body odor Priests Exorcism

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I thought you said you was bringin' a white boy home! I don't see a white boy! I see a damn fool!

— Grandpa, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Wife

Tanning Beds White People Black People

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They're worse! They're much worse than us, they talk about everything! Couldn't you at least tell her about the shrinkage factor?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Hamptons

Shrinkage Women Gossip

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If I date a taking person, everyone's taking, taking, taking, no one's giving—it's bedlam.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge

Takers Givers Dating Relationships

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I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others—I can't be with someone like that.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge

Caregivers Good People Dating Irony

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