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Peter Mehlman Quotes

Total quotes: 51
“George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?


Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge
Tagged: condoms, Abstinence
“Audrey: It’s amazing how many beautiful women live in New York. I actually find it kind of intimidating.

Kramer: Well, you’re just as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Nose Job
Tagged: Nose Job, New York, Bluntless, Too Honest
“Look, I work for the phone company. I've had a lot of experience with semantics, so don't try to lure me into some maze of circular logic.”
— Phone Guy #1, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Maid
Tagged: Circular Logic, Phone Companies, Semantics
“I'll tell you why. Because I believe Whatley converted to Judaism just for the jokes.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada
Tagged: Judaism, Religious Conversion, Joke Telling Immunity, Jokes
“I'm going to save up every rupee. Someday I will get back to America, and when I do I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget him. He haunts me. He is a very bad man. He is a very, very bad man.”
— Babu Bhatt, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Visa
Tagged: America, Immigration, Revenge, Vengeance, Evil
“Boxers! How do you wear these things!! Look at that—they're baggin' up, they're rising in! And there's nothing holding me in place! I'm flippin'! I'm floppin'!”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Chinese Woman
Tagged: Underwear, Boxer Shorts, Freeballing
“Articulate—me? I've never articulated anything, I'm completely incoherent.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Wait Out
Tagged: Articulate, Incoherent, Self-Deprecating
“Do the medical journals mention anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Wife
Tagged: Public Urination, Medical Journals
“I mean, I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge
Tagged: Sex, Good People, admiration
“You were completely right. I sleep so much better when I'm alone. And you scream in your sleep.”
— Emily, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Money
Tagged: Sleeping, Sleeping Alone, Insomnia
“A lesbian sighting. Oh-ho! My lucky day. They're so fascinating. Why is that? Because they don't want us. You gotta respect that.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car
Tagged: Lesbians, Respect, Attraction, Self-deprecation
“But love is spice with many tastes. A dizzying array of textures...and moments.”
— Newman, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Soul Mate
Tagged: Love, Spice
“Speaking of exes, my old boyfriend came over late last night, and, yada yada yada, anyway. I'm really tired today.”
— Marcy, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada
Tagged: Yada Yada, Exes, Sex
“Well, with so many people in the world deprived and unhappy, it doesn't seem like it would be fair to be cheerful.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Visa
Tagged: Happiness, Compassion, Fairness
“Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of course I smell something.”
— Elaine Benes, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car
Tagged: odor, Stench, Bad Smells, Hard of Smelling
“Yeah, it was, but then I just couldn't decide if he was really sponge-worthy.”
— Elaine Benes, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge
Tagged: Sponge-Worthy, Spongeworthy, Contraceptive Sponges, Sex
“I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 2: The Apartment
Tagged: Guilt, Sex, idiocy, Madison Square Garden, Respect
“Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke-telling immunity. He's already got the two big religions covered, if he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada
Tagged: Judaism, Christianity, Jokes, Joke-Telling Immunity, Polish Jokes
“You don't think I know how you're feeling, every second of the day? Looking over your shoulder to see if someone's coming up from behind. Sitting alone at night, knowing they could be closing in.”
— Newman, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Scofflaw
Tagged: Paranoia, Fear, dread
“You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. ‘Hey, denty!’ Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada
Tagged: Anti-Dentite, Anti-Semite, Slurs
“I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Nose Job
Tagged: beauty, repulsion, stupidity, Chess, penis, Brains
“He's finished! I'm going to sew his ass to his face! I'm going to twist his neck so hard his lips will be his eyebrows! I'm going to break his joints and reattach them.”
— Michael, Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Season 4: The Good Samaritan
Tagged: Threats, Violence
“Kramer, you don't understand. He made the last contact between us. I had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship. If he thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand.”
— Elaine Benes, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Scofflaw
Tagged: Breakups, Upper Hand, Power Struggles
“Elaine, can I just explain something to you very privately here? Susan and I have been together many, many times now, and just between you and me, there's really no big surprises here, so...makeup sex is all that I have left.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge
Tagged: Makeup Sex, arguments, Dead Bedrooms, Contraceptive Sponges
“But I am wearing the ribbon. He is wearing the ribbon. We are all wearing the ribbon! So why aren't you going to wear the ribbon?”
— Bob, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge
Tagged: AIDS Ribbon, AIDS, HIV, AIDS March, bullying
“You may think you're an idiot, but with all due respect—I’m a much bigger idiot than you are.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 2: The Apartment
Tagged: idiocy, Competition
“There's always that certain group of people, isn't it? They're talking and talking, and everyone around them is shushing them and shushing them. They won't shush. They're the unshushables.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 2: The Apartment
Tagged: Loud People, inconsiderate
“You can stuff you sorries in a sack, mister!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Betrayal
Tagged: Apologies, Cliches
“Yes! Yes! Everybody has to like me. I must be liked!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Masseuse
Tagged: Being Liked, Insecurity
“Winners don’t make excuses when the other side plays the game.”
— Harvey Specter, Suits, Season 7: Skin in the Game
Tagged: winners, excuses, Game
“Amazing. I drive them to lesbianism, he brings 'em back.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car
Tagged: Lesbianism, Heterosexuality
“Mother Nature's a mad scientist, Jerry.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada
Tagged: Mother Nature, Mad Scientist
“I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: They're meaningless!”
— Newman, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Betrayal
Tagged: Zip Codes
“If I like their race, how can that be racist?”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Chinese Woman
Tagged: racism, Racial Affinity, racist
“I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it!”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Chinese Woman
Tagged: Freeballing
“A leg man? Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have legs.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Implant
Tagged: Leg Men, breasts, Attraction
“Well, we've gone out several times, we obviously have a good rapport. I own a very profitable electronics-distributing firm. I eat well. I exercise. Blood tests—immaculate. And if I can speak frankly, I'm actually quite good at it.”
— Billy, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge
Tagged: Contraceptive Sponges, Sponge-Worthy, Dating, Sex, Auditions
“Look at you! Look at what you've sunk to! Look at what you've become! Look in the mirror, ’cause you need help, Jerry. You need help, because I can't stand by and do it anymore. It's turning my stomach! I can't stand around here watching you destroy yourself. It's eating me up inside.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Nose Job
Tagged: Pity, Despair, Hitting Bottom
“But, but I'm disturbed! I'm depressed! I'm inadequate! I got it all!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Visa
Tagged: Disturbed, Depression, Inadequacy, Attraction
“Is it me, or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen?”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Hamptons
Tagged: Ugly Babies
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