Quotes tagged ‘Jokes’

“We're gonna live in a log cabin. We're gonna hunt...acorns. We're gonna -- we're gonna gather squirrels.”

— Steven Levenson, Jon, Andrew Garfield, imdb.com

“And it didn't matter how stupid he had to get... or if I was sittin' there concentrating as hard as I could... on the computer to write a letter to a senator or congressman or something else, he'd come and rub them balls in my face.”

— Joe Exotic , imdb.com

“Jack Hock, big cock.”

— Nicole Holofcener, Jeff Whitty, Jack Hock, Richard E. Grant, imdb.com

“What better way to try and get us through this period of isolation than with some good old fashioned jokes?”

— Gianluca Russo, Teen Vogue, teenvogue.com

“Why do people have to tell jokes?”

— Richard Price, Stephen King, Holly Gibney, Cynthia Erivo, imdb.com

“'Does anyone else bark commands at Alexa in the voice of Moira Rose from Schitt's Creek?'”

— Nora Dominick , BuzzFeed Staff, buzzfeed.com

“I want people to laugh with me, not at me.”

— Zach Galifianakis, Scott Aukerman, Himself, Zach Galifianakis, imdb.com

“Why do writers constantly feel cold?Because they are surrounded by drafts.I’ll let myself out.”

— Renee D Webb, twitter.com

“'Can’t wait to go home and eat a Kid's Cuisine and watch The Luck of the Irish like it’s 2008 again.'”

— BuzzFeed, Christopher Hudspeth, buzzfeed.com

“Uncle Jesse: Why are divorces so expensive? Luke Duke: Why? Uncle Jesse: 'Cause they’re worth it.”

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Uncle Jesse Duke, Willie Nelson, imdb.com

“Uncle Jesse: [after Luke crashes through a police roadblock] Give me your goddamn license! Luke Duke: What license?”

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Uncle Jesse Duke, Willie Nelson, imdb.com

“Here’s another one: Drunk walks out of a bar and runs into a guy carrying an antique grandfather clock. The guy drops the clock, breaking into a million pieces. He looks at the drunk and says, ‘Why don’t you watch where you’re going?’ The drunk looks at him and says, ‘Why don’t you carry a wristwatc…”

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Uncle Jesse Duke, Willie Nelson, imdb.com

“Uncle Jesse: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? Luke Duke: What? Uncle Jesse: A piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.”

— John O'Brien, Jonathan L. Davis, Uncle Jesse Duke, Willie Nelson, imdb.com

“The Priest: I can't be physical with you. Fleabag: We can't even wrestle?”

— Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Fleabag, Phoebe Waller-Bridge, imdb.com

“There's never too many balls.”

— Alexander Rosenberg, imdb.com

“I started to really examine comedy, and I noticed there’s two kinds of laughter. One is when you’re watching the comedian and he says a joke and then you laugh at it, because you heard the punch line. And sometimes it’s really funny and you’re laughing. And other times it’s okay, but you still laugh…”

— Steve Martin, amazon.com

“What does it take to get a cab driver’s license? I think all you need is a face—that seems to be their big qualification—and put it on the license. No blank heads are allowed to drive cabs. And the name was like eight consonants in a row. And I don’t even know how I would report the guy. His name wa…”

— Jerry Seinfeld, amazon.com

“Making jokes is not work. It’s a gift.”

— Jerry Seinfeld, amazon.com

“I was feeling so good about myself a second ago.”

— Ryan Reynolds, Wired, youtube.com

“What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping? A dino-snore!”

— Unknown, redtri.com