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Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Total quotes: 257
“That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pick
Tagged: Christmas, Scrooge, charity, selfishness, Thrift, Christmas Jokes
“You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going 'excuse me?', 'what was that?'”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Puffy Shirt
Tagged: Low-Talkers
“George: You’ve got to apologize.

Jerry: Why?

George: Because it’s the mature and adult thing to do.

Jerry: How does that affect me?”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Slicer
Tagged: Apologies, mature, adult, Selfish
“Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Marine Biologist
Tagged: Tolstoy, War and Piece, Edwin Starr, War What Is It Good For?
“Elaine: Perhaps there’s more to Newman than meets the eye.

Jerry: No, there’s less.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Big Salad
Tagged: More than Meets The Eye
“Elaine: My father thought George was gay.

Jerry: It must have been the singing.

Elaine: No, he pretty much thinks everybody’s gay.”
— Elaine Benes, Seinfeld, Season 2: The Jacket
Tagged: Homophobia, gay
“Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Voice
Tagged: Breakups, Coke Machines
“Salad! What was I thinking? Women don't respect salad eaters.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Wink
Tagged: Salad, Masculinity, Women, Veganism
“George: She calls me up at my office. She says, ‘We have to talk.’

Jerry: Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.

George: That or ‘Whose bra is this?’

Jerry: That’s worse.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 1: The Seinfeld Chronicles
Tagged: We Have To Talk, English Language
“People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Big Salad
Tagged: dates, Shmoopy, PDA
“George: You’re gonna over-dry your laundry.

Jerry: You can’t over-dry.

George: Why not?
 
Jerry: Same reason you can’t over-wet.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 1: The Seinfeld Chronicles
Tagged: Laundry, Over-Dry, Over-Wet
“Jerry: Father, I’ve never done this before, so I’m not sure about what I’m supposed to do.


Priest: All right, my son. You can start by telling me your sins.


Jerry: Well, I’m Jewish.


Priest: Well that’s no sin,.


Jerry: Oh…”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada
Tagged: Confession, Priests, Catholicism, Jewish, Sin
“Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but...I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat…it's all been wrong.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Opposite
Tagged: Instincts, Failure, Despair
“Jake: Well, maybe I don’t use my exclamation points as haphazardly as you do.

Elaine: You don’t think that someone having a baby warrants an exclamation point.

Jake: Hey look, I just chalked down the message. I didn’t know I was required to capture the mood of each caller.

Elaine: I just thought you would be a little more excited about a friend of mine having a baby.

Jake: OK, I’m excited. I just don’t happen to like exclamation points.

Elaine: Well, you know Jake, you should learn to use them. Like the way I’m talking right now, I would put an exclamation point at the end of all these sentences! On this one! And on that one!

Jake: Well, you can put one on this one: I’m leaving!”
— Elaine Benes, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Sniffing Accountant
Tagged: Exclamation Points, Breakups, arguments, Grammar Nazis
“The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over and she marries the next guy. That’s why the wedding vow isn't ‘do you take Bill Simpson?’; it’s ‘Do you take this man?’”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Opera
Tagged: Tuxedos, Marriage, Formal Wear, Disposable Men
“Jerry: This isn’t a good time.

Telemarketer: When would be a good time to call back, sir?

Jerry: I have an idea, why don’t you give me your home number and I’ll call you back later?

Telemarketer: Umm, we’re not allowed to do that.

Jerry: Oh, I guess because you don’t want strangers calling you at home.

Telemarketer: Umm, no.

Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pitch
Tagged: Telemarketing, Revenge
“Is it...? Could it...? Could he have...? IT IS! Poppie peed on my sofa!”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Couch
Tagged: Public Urination
“People don't turn down money! It's what separates us from the animals.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 2: The Apartment
Tagged: Greed, Money, humanity
“The woman had an orgasm under false pretenses. That's sexual perjury.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Mango
Tagged: orgasm, Faking Orgasm
“Do you think it's effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle?”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 2: The Revenge
Tagged: Laundry, Masculinity, Effeminate
“There's been a big misunderstanding here! We did that whole thing for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Outing
Tagged: Homophobia, Eavesdropping
“Look, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chip Ahoy, I'm having it.”
— Morty Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Cadillac
Tagged: Chips Ahoy, Cookies, Mortality, Chocolate Chip
“Once someone’s else life depends on you keeping it together, it’s easier to keep it together.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld on Louis C.K., Roseanne and Tense Times in Comedy
Tagged: Family, Parenthood
“If you’re not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Kiss Hello
Tagged: East Side, Civil Society
“Jerry. It's L.A. Nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Finale
Tagged: LA, Los Angeles, Whore
“I'll tell you why. Because I believe Whatley converted to Judaism just for the jokes.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada
Tagged: Judaism, Religious Conversion, Joke Telling Immunity, Jokes
“The appeal of the posse? The posse has tremendous appeal. Get away from the job, camp out, you're with your friends....Come on, it's a week-long game of hide-and-seek on horseback.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Letter
Tagged: Posses, Male Bonding, camping
“What is it about sleep that makes you so thirsty? Do dreams require liquid? It's not like I'm running a marathon, I'm just lying there.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Keys
Tagged: Sleep, Thirst
“Because I snubbed her. You see? Women, they like that! Yes! I understand women. The snub is good, they love the snub.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Shoes
Tagged: Snubbing, Aloofness, Attraction, Women
“I don't get it. Not allowed to ask a Chinese person where the Chinese restaurant is! I mean, aren't we all getting a little too sensitive? I mean, someone asks me which way's Israel, I don't fly off the handle.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Cigar Store Indian
Tagged: Political Correctness, Hypersensitivity, Social Justice, Chinese Restaurants, Israel
“People love cinnamon. It should be on tables at restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime anyone says, ‘Oh This is so good. What's in it?’ The answer invariably comes back: cinnamon. Cinnamon. Again and again.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Dinner Party
Tagged: cinnamon, salt, Pepper
“You see the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around, but they don't know they're ugly, because nobody actually tells them.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Doodle
Tagged: ugliness, Bluntness, Honesty
“OUR LIVES! What kind of lives are these? We're like children. We're not men.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Engagement
Tagged: Immaturity, Pointlessness, Children, Men, Adulthood, Adulting
“I have a vague recollection of doing something with someone, but it was a long, long time ago.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 2: The Deal
Tagged: Sex, Abstinence
“Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 2: The Chinese Restaurant
Tagged: Hunger, Cannibalism
“Why do I always have the feeling that everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Parking Garage
Tagged: Weekends, Boredom
“What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Stranded
Tagged: parties, Hotel Rooms, Bad Guests, Strangers Asking Things Of You
“See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to HOLD the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation—the holding. Anybody can just take them.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Alternate Side
Tagged: Auto Reservations, Keeping Reservations, Holding Reservations, Taking Reservations
“Because men think if women are grabbing and clawing at each other there's a chance they might somehow kiss.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Summer of George
Tagged: Catfights, erotica, Lesbianism
“We couldn't carry on a conversation. I kept trying to picture her naked, she kept trying to not picture me naked.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Apology
Tagged: Nudity, Breakups
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