The Office

Funny Quotes

The best short jokes to get you through the day.
Katie Mather
August 1, 2016
“Ladies: Don't come off desperate and reply quickly to your crushes texts. Wait a while. Meet someone else. Get Married. Start a family. Keep him guessing.”
— Violet K. Benson
Tagged: Violet Benson, Daddy Issues, Funny, Jokes, Funny Quotes, Desperate Girls, Keep Him Guessing
“Tell him you’re excited to have his last name and then marry his brother.”
— Anonymous, via Tumblr
Tagged: LOL, humor, Funny
“Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.”
— Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson
Tagged: humor, Funny, Irony, good example, maturity, above it, Goodness, Ethics, morals, upright, Good Person, humanity
“Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the 'pull out' method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.”
— Brandon Gutermut
Tagged: Pregnancy, birth control, Funny Jokes, Funny Quotes, Best Jokes of Twitter
“The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate.”
— Brian Gaar
Tagged: Hate People, People Are Annoying, F U Quotes, Jokes, Funny Quotes
“People say go big or go home, as if going home is a bad thing? Like hell yeah I wanna go home, and I’m gonna take a nap when I get there.”
— Josh Ostrovsky
Tagged: Go Home, Funny Jokes, Jokes, Funny Quotes, Home, Napping, Naps
“Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.”
— Anonymous, The Cat Whisperer: Why Cats Do What They Do
Tagged: cats, Cat Jokes, Funny Quotes, Cats vs. Dogs
“Why do people say no offense right before they’re about to offend you?”
— Anonymous
Tagged: Conversational Framework, Funny Jokes, Funny Quotes, No Offense, Offensive People, Understanding Human Behavior, Interpersonal Interaction
“I want pizza. But I don’t wanna pay for pizza. I need a pizza daddy. A papa John if you will.”
— Violet Benson
Tagged: Papa Johns, Pizza, Sugar Daddy Jokes, Funny Quotes, Pizza Jokes, Love Pizza, Daddy Issues
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
— Theodor Rosyfelt, People Say Nothing Is Impossible...
Tagged: Funny Quotes, Lazy Jokes, Lazy, Doing Nothing, Jokes, One Liners
“If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.”
— Guy Endore-Kaise
Tagged: Funny Tweets, Tweets, Funny Quotes, Desert Island, Swim Jokes, Swimming
“I wish I could text my dog when I wasn't at home with her. Tell her I miss her. See what she's doing. Ask her to take a selfie for me.”
— Violet Benson Violet Benson
Tagged: Dogs, Funny Quotes About Dogs, Miss My Dog, Funny Quotes, Dog Jokes, Pets
“I'm just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut.”
— Unknown Meme, Girls Meme: I'm Just a Girl Standing in Front of a Salad Asking It to Be a Donut Real Talk I Need a Milkshake Now | SIZZLE
Tagged: Salad, I'm Just A Girl, Salad Jokes, Donuts, Funny Quotes, Girl Meme, Memes
“I can't believe I have to keep washing this stupid body until I die.”
— Frenchielaboozi
Tagged: Funny Quotes, Funny Tweets, Bodies, Washing, Showers, Bathing, Human Bodies, Cleaning Yourself
“When parents say to kids go to ur room & think about what you've done it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult.”
— Pat Tobi
Tagged: Funny Tweets, Best Tweets, Parenting, Funny Quotes, Adulthood
“I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.”
— Anonymous
Tagged: EpiPen Jokes, Dying, Dark Humor, Sad Jokes, Funny Quotes
“I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.”
— Unknown
Tagged: Thesaurus Jokes, Terrible Thesaurus Problems, Awful, Funny Jokes, Funny Quotes
“Get on his dick. Not on his nerves.”
— Violet Benson
Tagged: DaddyIssues, Funny Quotes, Dating, How To Not Annoy Him, Dicks, Nerves, Boyfriend Problems
“Behind every strong woman are 5 other strong women who proofread her email real quick when they had a second.”
— Gabby Noone
Tagged: Strong Women, Funny Quotes, Women In The Workplace, emails, Friendships, Proofreading Emails, Emailing The Boss
“Why do I even have a dog if she can't let me in when I'm locked out?”
— Perfume Genius
Tagged: Dogs, Funny Quotes, Locked Out Of The House, Wishing Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs, Pets
“I got fired from the orange juice factory because I couldn't concentrate.”
— Unknown, What's the cleanest, least offensive, funniest joke you know? • /r/AskReddit
Tagged: Reddit, Funny Quotes, Clean Jokes, Work Jokes, One-Liners, Punny, Pun Jokes
“I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.”
— Larry David
Tagged: Funny Quotes, Larry David, Childhood, Adulthood, Growing Up Sucks, Miserable, Cynical
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”
— Demetri Martin, Demetri Martin Jokes | Comedy Central Stand-Up | Demetri Martin: Worst Time for a Heart Attack
Tagged: Funny Quotes, Charades, Family Game Night, Worst Time To Have A Heart Attack, Funny, Jokes
“I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.”
— Groucho Marx, 30 great one-liners
Tagged: Funny Quotes, Funny Insults, Forgetting Faces, One-Liners
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.”
— Joan Rivers, 30 great one-liners
Tagged: Funny Quotes, Exercise, Running, Hate Working Out, Lazy
“Introducing myself to new boyfriend's parents: Hi, I usually don't make it this far.”
— Amanda Hugnkis
Tagged: Funny Quotes, Relationships, Dating, Boyfriend, Meeting The Parents, Nerves
“My wife doesn't believe that autocorrect changed 'Yes dear' to 'Hell no I'm not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.'”
— Kent Graha
Tagged: Funny Quotes, Relationships, Autocorrect Mistakes, Texting, Mother-In-Laws, Marriage, Dating
“Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.”
— Kendra Alve
Tagged: Funny Quotes, Scary Movies, Horror Flicks, teenagers, Paying Bills, Growing Up, Adulthood
“If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.”
— Denise
Tagged: Funny Quotes, Wine, Wine Night, Drinking, Good At Wine
“I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.”
— Molly Sneed
Tagged: Funny Quotes, Alice In Wonderland, eating, Drinking, Solving Problems, Fake Magic