1. People
    2.  › 
  2. Larry David
Larry David photo

Larry David Quotes

Total quotes: 343
“Stop scratching your balls and tell me where it is! All right, just get me the fucking head, all right?! Get me the fucking head, all right!? Both of you, I've had it! You four-eyed fuck and you fat piece of shit! Get me the head!”
— Susie Greene, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 2: The Doll
Tagged: doll head, Missing, angry, upset, commands
“'Bald Asshole?' That's a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 2: Trick or Treat
Tagged: bald, asshole, Hate crime, Group
“Cheryl: That's cute. I'm glad you made a new friend. That's nice. I don't hear that very often from you.

Larry: Oh, and I forgot to mention, he's a sex offender.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 5: The Seder
Tagged: New Friends, Invitation, Sex Offender
“Cliff Cobb: It's my grandfather's salad. I'm a Cobb of Cobb Salad fame.

Larry: I think that this is a real bullshit story.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 2: Trick or Treat
Tagged: grandfather, Salad, Cobb Salad, Fame, Story, untrue
“Counselor Condon: Have you ever been the victim of a serious crime?

Larry: My cousin once stole an Almond Joy from me, It was upsetting at the time but, umm...”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 4: The Car Pool Lane
Tagged: Victim, serious crime, cousin, stole, Almond Joy, upsetting
“That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pick
Tagged: Christmas, Scrooge, charity, selfishness, Thrift, Christmas Jokes
“You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going 'excuse me?', 'what was that?'”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Puffy Shirt
Tagged: Low-Talkers
“I did, once, try and stop a woman who was about to get hit by a car. I screamed out 'Watch out!' and she said 'Don't you tell me what to do!'”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 1: The Wire
Tagged: hit by a car, screamed, watch out, Sassy
“Walter: Are you Jewish?

Larry: You wanna check my penis?”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 2: Trick or Treat
Tagged: Jewish, penis, check, examine
“I’ll have a vanilla…one of those vanilla bullshit things. You know, whatever you want, some vanilla bullshit latte cappa thing. Whatever you got.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 2: Shaq
Tagged: Vanilla, coffee order, latte, Struggling
“There's a jetstream of bullshit coming out of your mouth my friend, you are busted buddy!”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 4: The Weatherman
Tagged: jetstream, A lot, Mouth, busted, Lies
“I love this dog, it's not very often you get the chance to be affectionate to something german.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 3: The Corpse-Sniffing Dog
Tagged: Chance, affection, German, dog
“Kramer: You’re becoming one of the glitterati.

George: What’s that?

Kramer: People who glitter.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Race
Tagged: Glitterati
“Elaine: Perhaps there’s more to Newman than meets the eye.

Jerry: No, there’s less.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Big Salad
Tagged: More than Meets The Eye
“Richard: I can't believe you won't help out a blind man.

Larry: I can't believe you said 'blind man' in front of a blind man!”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 1: The Bracelet
Tagged: blind man, help, Deaf, Mix Up
“It's completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career's been based on being unprofessional.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 1: AAMCO
Tagged: unprofessional, Career, Knowledge, Experience
“Cheryl's Dad: 'Devoted sister, beloved cunt?!' That's what you put in the paper?!

Larry: This is a typo! It should be 'aunt!'”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 1: Beloved Aunt
Tagged: devoted sister, paper, death notice, Typo, aunt
“Elaine: My father thought George was gay.

Jerry: It must have been the singing.

Elaine: No, he pretty much thinks everybody’s gay.”
— Elaine Benes, Seinfeld, Season 2: The Jacket
Tagged: Homophobia, gay
“You know I got a great idea for a cologne. The Beach. You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Pez Dispenser
Tagged: cologne, Aromatherapy, Beaches
“It's always great to see a black entrepreneur, isn't it?”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 1: The Pants Tent
Tagged: Great, african american, entrepreneur
“I'm Larry David. I happen to enjoy wearing women's panties.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 7: Officer Krupke
Tagged: enjoy, women's panties, Comfort
“George: She calls me up at my office. She says, ‘We have to talk.’

Jerry: Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.

George: That or ‘Whose bra is this?’

Jerry: That’s worse.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 1: The Seinfeld Chronicles
Tagged: We Have To Talk, English Language
“People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Big Salad
Tagged: dates, Shmoopy, PDA
“It seems silly to me to put a napkin on an old pair of pants.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 2: Trick or Treat
Tagged: Silly, napkin, Old, pants
“Elaine: All right, let’s go, I’ll give you half an hour.

Jerry: You’re serious?

Elaine: Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.

Jerry: Sex to SAVE the friendship. Well if we have to, we have to.”
— Elaine Benes, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Mango
Tagged: Sex, Sex and Friendships
“Well I do hate myself, but it has nothing to do with being Jewish.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 2: Trick or Treat
Tagged: Hate Myself, Jewish, Nothing To Do
“I'm feeling pretty good. Pret-ty, pret-ty, pret-ty, pret-ty good.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 2: The Thong
Tagged: Pretty Good, Feeling
“George: You’re gonna over-dry your laundry.

Jerry: You can’t over-dry.

George: Why not?
 
Jerry: Same reason you can’t over-wet.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 1: The Seinfeld Chronicles
Tagged: Laundry, Over-Dry, Over-Wet
“Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but...I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat…it's all been wrong.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Opposite
Tagged: Instincts, Failure, Despair
“Jake: Well, maybe I don’t use my exclamation points as haphazardly as you do.

Elaine: You don’t think that someone having a baby warrants an exclamation point.

Jake: Hey look, I just chalked down the message. I didn’t know I was required to capture the mood of each caller.

Elaine: I just thought you would be a little more excited about a friend of mine having a baby.

Jake: OK, I’m excited. I just don’t happen to like exclamation points.

Elaine: Well, you know Jake, you should learn to use them. Like the way I’m talking right now, I would put an exclamation point at the end of all these sentences! On this one! And on that one!

Jake: Well, you can put one on this one: I’m leaving!”
— Elaine Benes, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Sniffing Accountant
Tagged: Exclamation Points, Breakups, arguments, Grammar Nazis
“Russell Dalrymple: So, what have you guys come up with?

Jerry: Well, we thought about this in a variety of ways, but the basic idea is I would play myself…

George: May I…?

Jerry: Go ahead.

George: I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: nothing.

Russell Dalrymple: Nothing?

George: Nothing!

Russell Dalrymple: What does that mean?

George: The show is about nothing!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pitch
Tagged: Nothing, Minimalism
“Jerry: This isn’t a good time.

Telemarketer: When would be a good time to call back, sir?

Jerry: I have an idea, why don’t you give me your home number and I’ll call you back later?

Telemarketer: Umm, we’re not allowed to do that.

Jerry: Oh, I guess because you don’t want strangers calling you at home.

Telemarketer: Umm, no.

Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pitch
Tagged: Telemarketing, Revenge
“We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like, uh…shaving.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Contest
Tagged: masturbation, Men
“Is it...? Could it...? Could he have...? IT IS! Poppie peed on my sofa!”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Couch
Tagged: Public Urination
“The woman had an orgasm under false pretenses. That's sexual perjury.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Mango
Tagged: orgasm, Faking Orgasm
“Do you think it's effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle?”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 2: The Revenge
Tagged: Laundry, Masculinity, Effeminate
“Because I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you've got problems.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Parking Space
Tagged: Threats, Coldness
“Look, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chip Ahoy, I'm having it.”
— Morty Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Cadillac
Tagged: Chips Ahoy, Cookies, Mortality, Chocolate Chip
“What about drugs? You doing some of that crack cocaine? You on the pipe?”
— George Steinbrenner, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Bottle Deposit
Tagged: Crack, Drugs, Crack Pipe
“Julie: [referring to Larry's movie 'Sour Grapes'] I enjoyed it. It was interesting. It was such a perfect length.

Larry: That's my specialty, length.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 1: AAMCO
Tagged: Movie, interesting, Perfect, Length, speciality
loading next page...