“ME: bae, you wanna go out? HER: hell yeah ME: ok pliz close the door on your way out I need to play FIFA alone.”— Talib Jim, twitter.com
“I like Triscuits because sometimes you just want to eat a wicker basket.”— Julia Claire, twitter.com
“The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.”— Casey Duncan, twitter.com
“I want my ashes scattered when I die.I don't like people visiting me now.... I'll be damned if I want visitors when I'm dead.”— UnapologeticCanadian, twitter.com
“NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars? ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese”— lil gory lovitz , twitter.com
“A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.”— Frank Whitehouse, twitter.com
“[being chased round my house by a murderer] ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS MURDERER: What? ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on”— Jon, twitter.com
“'Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?' Body: 'I shall make this into nose hair'”— XS Flea Baggage, twitter.com
“[1st day undercover] Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs? Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot Me: is ur gang hiring today?”— GoaT FacE, twitter.com
“Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I'd lost.”— Jaxon/Jaxoff, twitter.com
“I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, 'I read what you said on the internet.'”— antisocialsocialist, twitter.com
“Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND Me: I didn't do... Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody Me: These are my regular clothes”— Tim, twitter.com
“Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children's home so I just chucked him a few kids”— ♛EmMama♛, twitter.com
“Me: I won't make it. Go on without me. Her: It's a toe cramp M: But I'm covered in some kind of clear blood H: That's sweat M: Tell my story”— MehGyver, but Spooky, twitter.com
“People who brag about drinking black coffee?? Ok enjoy your hot bean water, I'm using creamer because I love myself”— Autumn Crafton, twitter.com
“I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.The other 7 glasses are just for me.”— Decant & Pour, twitter.com
“I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display”— beth loves ghosts, so, twitter.com
“Me: I just want to sleep! Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU'VE EVER MADE! Bladder: Oh & don't forget about me.”— Just Call Me Kitten, twitter.com