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“My boyfriend is at his best friend's 3 day bachelor party in Vegas. Every single place they go the groom-to-be insists they all cheers to his fiancé, and they have.Every. single. place.  There are men out there celebrating the woman they love, not mourning the loss of their 'freedom'”
— Jaden Rose Ahrens, How Good Guys Act At Bachelor Parties
Tagged: Bachelor, Vegas
“Either you really overpay for a Kardashian or insert top-tier talent, which is a bespoke transaction with lots of representation and tends to be less muddy. Or it’s anyone under 500,000 [followers]; just stick them on a list, and they don’t really matter at the end of the day. It’s content by the ton.”
— Unknown, ‘The barrier to entry is zero’: Confessions of a social marketing exec on the crowded influencer marketing market
Tagged: Media Cliff Notes, Influencer Marketing, Instagram
“Felix Unger: [Felix is apologizing to Randy's mother for Uncle Oscar's earlier behavior as a Big Brother] We weren't too well organized last week. All I can do is apologize. Mr Madison has certain primeval characteristics. But I promise you, no more pool halls, and no more unbalanced meals.

Mrs. Grainger: That didn't worry me.

Felix Unger: It didn't?

Mrs. Grainger: Well, a little at first, when Randy mentioned spitting, but after all, that's why I entered him into this program... A boy who lives alone with his mother needs a man's influence, and after a day with Uncle Oscar, Randy was all boy. Of course, there were a few things which had to be adjusted, like calling his grandmother 'a sweet old broad', but I can handle that.

Randy Grainger: [sheepishly] She straightened me out.”
— Felix Unger, The Odd Couple, Season 1: The Big Brothers
Tagged: Big Brother, primeval, SIngle Mother
“Don't talk to me about Christmas, will ya? All that sticky, phony goodwill. I'd like to get a giant candy cane and beat the wings off a sugar plum fairy.”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 1: Scrooge Gets an Oscar
Tagged: Christmas, Anti-Christmas
“What's this all about? and it better be good... my wife thinks I'm fooling around with the meter maid.”
— Officer Murray Greshler, The Odd Couple, Season 1: The Blackout
Tagged: meter maid, Cheating, Cops
“Felix, Felix, Felix! You're a nice little boy, but why do you have to be so gosh darned clean? If there are two things that nobody likes, it's a dirty old man, and a clean little boy.”
— Grandpa Unger, The Odd Couple, Season 1: What Makes Felix Run
Tagged: dirty old man, clean little boy, germophobe
“Home delivery is for newspapers, not for babies!”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 2: Natural Childbirth
Tagged: home delivery, Newspapers, babies
“Oscar Madison: [Oscar loses Felix's burial deposit, and goes to the cemetery to make amends] I just want to know who bought plot 204.

Cemetery Salesman: Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but that's privileged information... We don't give that out to the public.

Oscar Madison: Well, I can appreciate that, but I want to help my friend, Felix Unger.

Cemetery Salesman: Oh, yes, Mr Unger. Very nice man. Sorry to lose him.

Oscar Madison: Well, you don't have to lose him. Just give me the name.

Cemetery Salesman: I'm sorry, sir, but it's a matter of ethics. Besides, the owner may be leaving this earth very soon.

Oscar Madison: Uh, maybe he'd like to make a little profit before he goes. I mean, he paid 500 for it, I'll give him 750.

Cemetery Salesman: But you couldn't give him anything if you didn't have his name.

Oscar Madison: OK, OK, I'll double it. I'll give him a thousand dollars for the plot.

Cemetery Salesman: No. You'll give him 750 for the plot.

Oscar Madison: Oh, thank you.

Cemetery Salesman: And you'll give me 250 for his name.

Oscar Madison: But that is...

Cemetery Salesman: I know, but the cemetery game is a jungle.”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 2: A Grave for Felix
Tagged: Cemeteries, burial plots
“Oscar Madison: Your name is Homer?
[Shocked upon hearing Speed's real name from the guard]

Speed: [Sarcastically] What? You think when I was born my parents named me SPEED?”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 2: Murray the Fink
Tagged: Homer, speed, Parents
“David Steinberg: I noticed that Felix takes his used flashbulbs and he puts them back in their boxes. And he keeps them all so neatly stacked.

Oscar Madison: He's the same way at home. It's like living with a chipmunk.”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 2: The Odd Couple Meet Their Host
Tagged: meticulous, chipmunk, neat, Prissy
“Hey, can I borrow a cup of flour? Some white kids outside want cocaine...”
— Lillian Kaushtupper, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 1: Kimmy Makes Waffles!
Tagged: Flour, Cocaine, White Kids, Anti-White Stereotypes
“This musical is going to be a lop. which is a flop which couldn't give an F.”
— Titus Andromedon, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 4: Kimmy and the Beest!
Tagged: flop, Musical
“Wish me lick! You heard me.”
— Lillian Kaushtupper, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 4: Kimmy Disrupts the Paradigm!
Tagged: cunnilingus
“Does that woman really think i'm my own twin brother? of course she does. she's hooked up with both of us.”
— Danford, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 4: Kimmy Disrupts the Paradigm!
Tagged: Twin Brother, doppelganger
“Jacqueline White: Titus, I'm going to give it to you straight.

Titus Andromedon: Gross!”
— Titus Andromedon, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 4: Kimmy Disrupts the Paradigm!
Tagged: straight, Gross, heterophobia
“Some of my best statues are of Indians.”
— Duke, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 2: Kimmy Finds Her Mom!
Tagged: Statues, Indians
“I'm sorry, I've been burned before and I was recently engaged to what turned out to be a hologram controlled by a Turkish hacker. I just need to take it slow.”
— Russ Snyder, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 2: Kimmy Sees a Sunset!
Tagged: Turkish Hacker, Hologram, Burned, Fear Of Commitment
“Someone just put the 'neato' in incognito!”
— Kimmy Schmidt, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 2: Kimmy Sees a Sunset!
Tagged: Neato, Incognito
“I should have been a doctor. I look amazing in white, my handwriting is terrible, and I love telling people to take their pants off and just leaving and then making them sit there for an hour.”
— Titus Andromedon, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 2: Kimmy Sees a Sunset!
Tagged: doctor, wearing white
“I was breaking into the Fed naked with 'OPEC' written on me in pig's blood before you were even a twinkle in the eye of the dog that mounted your mom.”
— Lillian Kaushtupper, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 2: Kimmy Goes to Her Happy Place!
Tagged: OPEC, Radicals, Dog Rape
“Last night after a box of key lime wine and some shame-spiraling, I decided to give all my Barbies perms. Some of them don't have the face for it.”
— Titus Andromedon, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 2: Kimmy Meets a Drunk Lady!
Tagged: shame-spiraling, key lime wine, barbies, perms
“Dolphins are rapists. Look it up.”
— Andrea Bayden, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 2: Kimmy Meets a Drunk Lady!
Tagged: Dolphins, Rapists
“All burps smell bad. They're the farts of the face.”
— Kimmy Schmidt, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 2: Kimmy Meets a Drunk Lady!
Tagged: burps, Farts
“Professor Rick: Jason just got a callback for Hamilton so we need you to cover his shift.

Titus Andromedon: Why didn't I get an audition for that? They're just prejudiced because I can't rap or walk quickly in a circle.”
— Titus Andromedon, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 2: Kimmy Goes to a Hotel!
Tagged: hamilton, Auditions
“I once went to an open audition and it was just a bum fight.”
— Titus Andromedon, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 2: Kimmy Drives a Car!
Tagged: Audition, bum fight, unpleasant surprises
“Don't worry about me. I'm like a biscotti. People act like I'm this sweet cookie, but I'm really this super hard thing that nobody knows what I am or why I am.”
— Kimmy Schmidt, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 2: Kimmy Gives Up!
Tagged: biscotti, Cookies, Mystery
“Titus Andromedon: Kimbecile, what do I always say?

Kimmy Schmidt: Don't touch my dolls, they're strictly look-upons.

Titus Andromedon: Not that.

Kimmy Schmidt: Only Aladdin can pull off harem pants?

Titus Andromedon: Nor that.

Kimmy Schmidt: John Cusack got fat but I still would?

Titus Andromedon: No, get the digits! The digits! Oh, look at us, both having man problems.

Kimmy Schmidt: Is that why you've been shouting so much in the bathroom?

Titus Andromedon: No, that's because of cheese.”
— Titus Andromedon, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 2: Kimmy Walks Into a Bar!
Tagged: Man Problems, John Cusack, Digits, Aladdin, Harem Pants
“Gretchen Chalker: Look! [She presses a button on her watch] I can make my voice sound like different celebrities!

Steve Buscemi: 'I can make my voice sound like different celebrities!'”
— Gretchen Chalker, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 2: Kimmy Kidnaps Gretchen!
Tagged: voice activated, Celebrities, Steve Buscemi
“Kimmy Schmidt: Your comforter smells terrible.

Titus Andromedon: It's my cologne—Dutch Oven.”
— Kimmy Schmidt, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 1: Kimmy Goes to Court!
Tagged: Dutch Oven
“Kimmy Schmidt: You look bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

Jacqueline Voorhees: No, I got that lasered off.”
— Kimmy Schmidt, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 1: Kimmy Rides a Bike!
Tagged: bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, laser hair removal

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About The Authors

This page was created by our editorial team. Each page is manually curated, researched, collected, and issued by our staff writers. Quotes contained on this page have been double checked for their citations, their accuracy and the impact it will have on our readers.

Kelly Peacock is an accomplished poet and social media expert based in Brooklyn, New York. Kelly has a Bachelor's degree in creative writing from Farieligh Dickinson University and has contributed to many literary and cultural publications. Kelly assists on a wide variety of quote inputting and social media functions for Quote Catalog. Visit her personal website here.

Kendra Syrdal is a writer, editor, partner, and senior publisher for The Thought & Expression Company. Over the last few years she has been personally responsible for writing, editing, and producing over 30+ million pageviews on Thought Catalog.