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Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Quotes

“Hey, can I borrow a cup of flour? Some white kids outside want cocaine...”
— Lillian Kaushtupper, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 1: Kimmy Makes Waffles!
Tagged: Flour, Cocaine, White Kids, Anti-White Stereotypes
“Does that woman really think i'm my own twin brother? of course she does. she's hooked up with both of us.”
— Danford, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 4: Kimmy Disrupts the Paradigm!
Tagged: Twin Brother, doppelganger
“Someone just put the 'neato' in incognito!”
— Kimmy Schmidt, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 2: Kimmy Sees a Sunset!
Tagged: Neato, Incognito
“I'm sorry, I've been burned before and I was recently engaged to what turned out to be a hologram controlled by a Turkish hacker. I just need to take it slow.”
— Russ Snyder, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 2: Kimmy Sees a Sunset!
Tagged: Turkish Hacker, Hologram, Burned, Fear Of Commitment
“Jacqueline White: Titus, I'm going to give it to you straight.

Titus Andromedon: Gross!”
— Titus Andromedon, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 4: Kimmy Disrupts the Paradigm!
Tagged: straight, Gross, heterophobia
“I was breaking into the Fed naked with 'OPEC' written on me in pig's blood before you were even a twinkle in the eye of the dog that mounted your mom.”
— Lillian Kaushtupper, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 2: Kimmy Goes to Her Happy Place!
Tagged: OPEC, Radicals, Dog Rape
“I should have been a doctor. I look amazing in white, my handwriting is terrible, and I love telling people to take their pants off and just leaving and then making them sit there for an hour.”
— Titus Andromedon, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 2: Kimmy Sees a Sunset!
Tagged: doctor, wearing white
“All burps smell bad. They're the farts of the face.”
— Kimmy Schmidt, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 2: Kimmy Meets a Drunk Lady!
Tagged: burps, Farts
“Don't worry about me. I'm like a biscotti. People act like I'm this sweet cookie, but I'm really this super hard thing that nobody knows what I am or why I am.”
— Kimmy Schmidt, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 2: Kimmy Gives Up!
Tagged: biscotti, Cookies, Mystery
“Kimmy Schmidt: You look bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

Jacqueline Voorhees: No, I got that lasered off.”
— Kimmy Schmidt, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 1: Kimmy Rides a Bike!
Tagged: bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, laser hair removal
“Randy: Hey! What did I tell you about using sarcasm, little lady?

Kimmi: [boredly looking at her phone] That you don't know how to use it.

Randy: Exactly!”
— Kimmy Schmidt, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 1: Kimmy Has a Birthday!
Tagged: Sarcasm, insults
“Xanthippe Voorhees: Hey, Kimmy, 1996 called. It wants its clothes back.

Kimmy Schmidt: Hey, Xan, 2090 called. You're dead and you wasted your time on earth.”
— Kimmy Schmidt, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 1: Kimmy Goes to a Party!
Tagged: 1996, 2090, Clothes, trends, Outdated
“Titus Andromedon: That boy is gay.

Kimmy Schmidt: He's not gay. Gay hasn't even gotten to Indiana yet. There are rumors about Ohio.”
— Kimmy Schmidt, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 1: Kimmy Kisses a Boy!
Tagged: gay, indiana, Midwest
“Xanthippe Voorhees: You don't have a cell phone?

Kimmy Schmidt: Well I had a cell phone, Xan. Obvs. But I lost it. At the zoo. A monkey took it and she wouldn't give it back. Yeah, Xan. The monkey was a woman. Women can be anything these days.”
— Kimmy Schmidt, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 1: Kimmy Goes on a Date!
Tagged: cell phone, Monkey, Women, empowerment
“Jacqueline Voorhees: I look so sad. What filter is this?

Kimmy Schmidt: None! Hash brown no filter!”
— Jacqueline Voorhees / White, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 1: Kimmy Goes to the Doctor!
Tagged: photo filters, Sad, Hash brown
“I am a prickly gay man. And not just because I fell into a cactus while stealing apples from a botanical garden.”
— Titus Andromedon, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 4: Kimmy Is...Little Girl, Big City!
Tagged: prickly, Gay Man
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