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Oscar Madison Quotes

Total quotes: 12
“Murph, you probably hear this all the time, but carry me to the bedroom!”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 1: The Unger Games
Tagged: ravish me
“Oscar: Wait, is this all part of your master plan?

Gabby: What do you mean?

Oscar: We get back together, you divorce me, and you get half of the half I have left?”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 1: The Ghostwriter
Tagged: Divorce, master plan
“So I get to put on a suit and talk about how great you are? I was hoping to avoid that until your funeral.”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 1: The Wedding Deception
Tagged: funeral, Eulogy
“Emily: Oh, hey, Oscar, did I wake you?

Oscar: No, I'm always up at this hour to milk the cows, make sure Ma is warming the griddle.”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 1: Sleeping Dogs Lie
Tagged: farm living
“Oscar: And you're welcome to play on my softball team any time, you're quite a bunter.

Felix: Since we're being honest, I did not know what bunting was, I was swinging as hard as I could.”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 1: The Unger Games
Tagged: softball, bunting
“Don't talk to me about Christmas, will ya? All that sticky, phony goodwill. I'd like to get a giant candy cane and beat the wings off a sugar plum fairy.”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 1: Scrooge Gets an Oscar
Tagged: Christmas, Anti-Christmas
“Oscar Madison: Your name is Homer?
[Shocked upon hearing Speed's real name from the guard]

Speed: [Sarcastically] What? You think when I was born my parents named me SPEED?”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 2: Murray the Fink
Tagged: Homer, speed, Parents
“Oscar: Hey Gab, so where are we on the hugging situation?

Gabby: Well, since I want to murder you right now, the thought of touching you makes me sick.

Oscar: Wow it's like you never left.”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 1: The Audit Couple
Tagged: Hugging
“Home delivery is for newspapers, not for babies!”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 2: Natural Childbirth
Tagged: home delivery, Newspapers, babies
“David Steinberg: I noticed that Felix takes his used flashbulbs and he puts them back in their boxes. And he keeps them all so neatly stacked.

Oscar Madison: He's the same way at home. It's like living with a chipmunk.”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 2: The Odd Couple Meet Their Host
Tagged: meticulous, chipmunk, neat, Prissy
“Teddy: You already have a great job. You host a national radio show from your apartment. If you want you could do it naked, or eating a pizza, or getting a massage. If you play your cards right, you could do all three at once.


Oscar: That is the dream.”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 1: Secret Agent Man
Tagged: Dream, Pizza, male fantasies, dude heaven
“Oscar Madison: [Oscar loses Felix's burial deposit, and goes to the cemetery to make amends] I just want to know who bought plot 204.

Cemetery Salesman: Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but that's privileged information... We don't give that out to the public.

Oscar Madison: Well, I can appreciate that, but I want to help my friend, Felix Unger.

Cemetery Salesman: Oh, yes, Mr Unger. Very nice man. Sorry to lose him.

Oscar Madison: Well, you don't have to lose him. Just give me the name.

Cemetery Salesman: I'm sorry, sir, but it's a matter of ethics. Besides, the owner may be leaving this earth very soon.

Oscar Madison: Uh, maybe he'd like to make a little profit before he goes. I mean, he paid 500 for it, I'll give him 750.

Cemetery Salesman: But you couldn't give him anything if you didn't have his name.

Oscar Madison: OK, OK, I'll double it. I'll give him a thousand dollars for the plot.

Cemetery Salesman: No. You'll give him 750 for the plot.

Oscar Madison: Oh, thank you.

Cemetery Salesman: And you'll give me 250 for his name.

Oscar Madison: But that is...

Cemetery Salesman: I know, but the cemetery game is a jungle.”
— Oscar Madison, The Odd Couple, Season 2: A Grave for Felix
Tagged: Cemeteries, burial plots
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