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Tim Allen Quotes

Total quotes: 51
“Tim: I go to the opera with you.

Jill: Oh, once. I've sat through three Rambo movies. When was the last time you took me to a foreign film?

Tim: Didn't we just see Le Robocop?”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: Love Is A Many Splintered Thing
Tagged: french, rambo, robocop, Opera
“A black man who likes hockey, that's the most creative costume I've seen all night.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 4: School Merger
Tagged: Black Men, Hockey, stereotypes
“You can't keep sleeping on my couch. I want the memory foam to have a chance to forget about you.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 3: Ryan v. John Baker
Tagged: couch surfing, freeloading, Memory foam
“Mark Taylor: I have a woman—Mommy.

Randy Taylor: Your mommy can't be your woman, doofus.

Tim Taylor: A lot of men pay a psychiatrist a lot of money to figure that one out.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Look Who's Not Talking
Tagged: Mommy Issues
“Tim: There's two different types of pain. Pain and man pain.

Mark: What's man pain?

Tim: Man pain is when you do something stupid.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: Groin Pains
Tagged: Pain, Man Pain
“Randy: My dad's been in the hospital so much they gave him a preferred customer card.

Tim: Yeah, one more head injury and we win a trip to Hawaii.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 3: This Joke's For You
Tagged: hospital, head injury
“I'm not a Space Ranger. I'm just a toy. A stupid, little, insignificant toy.”
— Buzz Lightyear (voice), Toy Story
Tagged: space ranger, insignificant
“One minute you're defending the whole galaxy, and, suddenly, you find yourself sucking down Darjeeling with Marie Antoinette... and her little sister.”
— Buzz Lightyear (voice), Toy Story
Tagged: darjeeling, Marie Antoinette
“Buzz Lightyear: This is an intergalactic emergency. I need to commandeer your vessel to Sector 12. Who's in charge here?

All Aliens: [pointing up] The clawwwwwwwww!”
— Buzz Lightyear (voice), Toy Story
Tagged: Emergency, claw
“Buzz Lightyear: I am Buzz Lightyear; I come in peace.

Rex: [shaking Buzz Lightyear's hand] Oh, I'm so glad you're not a dinosaur!”
— Buzz Lightyear (voice), Toy Story
Tagged: i come in peace, Dinosaur
“If a woman holds up a stop sign, if she designed it, it would say 'If you really knew me, you'd know what you should do right now.'”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: Read My Hips
Tagged: Women, Evasiveness, Beating around the bush
“Then only time men should be dancing is when other men are shootin' at their feet.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Men, Dancing, gender roles
“Ryan: Scared of a little boy?

Mike Baxter: This coming from the guy who took one look at him and left for three years.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 4: Big Shots
Tagged: Fear, sissy, coward
“President Richard Nixon once said, 'People react to fear, not love.' Easy for him to say because he was kinda scary and nobody loved him.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 4: Sinkhole
Tagged: Richard Nixon, Fear, Love
“Buzz Lightyear: Sheriff, this is no time to panic!

Woody: This is the perfect time to panic! I'm lost, Andy is gone, they're gonna move from their house in two days, and it's all your fault!”
— Buzz Lightyear (voice), Toy Story
Tagged: Panic
“Buzz Lightyear: [Referring to Andy's other toys] Do you know these life forms?

Woody: Yes, they're Andy's toys.”
— Buzz Lightyear (voice), Toy Story
Tagged: life forms, Toys
“All right, all right, to all my winos, gamblers and drug dealers, Happy Thanksgiving.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 3: Thanksgiving
Tagged: winos, Gamblers, Drug Dealers, Happy Thanksgiving, Toast
“Buzz Lightyear: I can't help. I can't help anyone.

Woody: Why sure you can Buzz Lightyear. You can get me out of here and then I'll get that rocket off you, and we'll make a break for Andy's House.”
— Buzz Lightyear (voice), Toy Story
Tagged: Helping, Cooperation
“Buzz Lightyear: I've set my laser from stun to kill.

Woody: Oh, great. If anyone attacks we can blink em' to death.”
— Buzz Lightyear (voice), Toy Story
Tagged: laser, Kill, death by blinking
“Tim: Jill got mad at me because I didn't listen to her.

Wilson: No, I think she got mad at you because you blew up the damn dishwasher.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Mad, Listening, arguments
“This is an excuse, women, and you're not the type to have excuses. You need to be taught. I don't think you're stupid just 'cause you don't know anything....You know, I—that didn't come out right.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Reach Out And Teach Someone
Tagged: excuses, insults
“Let's be honest, if nobody's talking, then nobody's listening. If nobody's listening, nobody's learning.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 7: Welcome Baxter
Tagged: Trust, Communication
“Tim: How many times have you been married?

Fred: Three.

Tim: Why do you suppose that is?

Fred: I can't find a woman who understands me.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Luck Be A Taylor Tonight
Tagged: Marriage, Misunderstood, Self-awareness
“Mike Baxter: Everybody gives these athletes a lot of slack. It doesn't do them any good. I mean 99% of these kids will never play for a pro team, or even the Cleveland Browns.

Ed Alzate: Don't knock the Browns, Mike. If it weren't for them, the Bengals fans wouldn't have anyone to make fun of.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 2: Quarterback Boyfriend
Tagged: Cleveland Browns, Cincinnati Bengals, athletes, Slack, losers
“It's amazing, a woman with so many tools has so many screws loose.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 4: Helen Potts
Tagged: Tools, screw loose, Gaslighting
“I tell you, I could fly around this room with my eyes closed!”
— Buzz Lightyear (voice), Toy Story
Tagged: bragging, Flying
“Buzz Lightyear: I just want you to know that even though you tried to terminate me, revenge is not an idea we promote on my planet.

Woody: Oh, well, that's good.

Buzz Lightyear: But we're not on my planet. Are we?

Woody: No. [they start fighting]”
— Buzz Lightyear (voice), Toy Story
Tagged: Revenge, Fighting
“Buzz Lightyear: [sees Woody's ‘Sheriff’ star badge] Local law enforcement! It's about time you got here. I'm Buzz Lightyear, Space Ranger, Universe Protection Unit. My ship has crash-landed here by mistake.

Woody: Yes, it is a mistake, because, you see, the bed here is my spot.”
— Buzz Lightyear (voice), Toy Story
Tagged: Law Enforcement, crash landing
“Tim: It's a warning light; didn't it occur to you there might be a little problem?

Jill: I thought if there was a problem with the car that the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer.

Tim: A buzzer? It's a car, not a game show.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Nothing More Than Feelings
Tagged: warning light, buzzer, game show
“Jill Taylor: [the family's out camping and Tim just got back from the car] Oh thank God, I was getting worried. I heard this awful howling.

Tim Taylor: Oh, that was me. Couldn't find any leaves, had to use a pine cone.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Baby, It's Cold Outside
Tagged: public defecation, no toilet paper
“Al: Anyone can do what you do.

Tim: Oh, really? You think you could do what I do?

Al: Oh, please. How hard could it be to tell bad jokes and screw up all the time?

Tim: A lot harder than it looks.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: A Battle Of Wheels
Tagged: Self-deprecation
“Jill Taylor: Tim, what do you actually know about installing a satellite dish?

Tim Taylor: It's simple. Mount it, point it straight up. Any man could do that.

Jill Taylor: Yeah, but it has to stay up longer than ten seconds.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Satellite On A Hot Tim's Roof
Tagged: Husband-Bashing
“This isn't flying. This is falling with style!”
— Buzz Lightyear (voice), Toy Story
Tagged: Flying, falling
“Years of Academy training wasted.”
— Buzz Lightyear (voice), Toy Story
Tagged: Training, academy, wasted
“Mike Baxter: Hey Kyle, do you have a man cave?

Kyle Anderson: My van. One place where people aren't all up in my business. You have no idea how tiring it is.'Kyle, do this.' 'Kyle, do that.' 'Kyle, for God's sake, get your act together.'

Mike Baxter: I don't do that.

Kyle Anderson: Your daughter does.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 1: The Passion of the Mandy
Tagged: man cave, all up in my business
“Jill: We're keeping score.

Tim: I thought you didn't want to keep score.

Jill: Oh, is the great big, bad bowling man afraid his itty-bitty wife is going to beat him?

Tim: Is the itty-bitty wife afraid the big, bad bowling man is going to leave her in the PARKING LOT?”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Up Your Alley
Tagged: arguments, keeping score, itty-bitty
“Woody: All right, that's enough! Look, we're all very impressed with Andy's new toy.

Buzz Lightyear: Toy?

Woody: T-O-Y, Toy!

Buzz Lightyear: Excuse me, I think the word you're searching for is ‘Space Ranger’.

Woody: The word I'm searching for—I can't say, because there's preschool toys present.”
— Buzz Lightyear (voice), Toy Story
Tagged: space ranger, Toy
“Mike Baxter: [after almost driving into a sinkhole] Oh, man! You good? It's all good. It's all good. Hold on a second. [puts car in reverse and pushes Boyd back into his seat] Get back in there. Sit back down. [after backing away from the sinkhole] Okay, listen, you sure you're all right?

Boyd Baxter: Yes, except for when you karate chopped me in the chest.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 4: Sinkhole
Tagged: Driving, bad driving, Accidents, Karate
“Jill Taylor: They broke the mirror, they put in the wrong tiling, we've got a cement...

Jill Taylor: [suddenly seeing her new whirlpool bath] Oh, wow, wow, what's this?

Tim Taylor: This is what will make it all worthwhile: Your new whirlpool.

Jill Taylor: Oh, Tim, it's so beautiful. Look at the color; it's perfect.

Tim Taylor: Not to mention seven adjustable jets, three speeds—low, medium and 'who needs a man?'”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Bubble, Bubble, Toil And Trouble
Tagged: Women and Shower Nozzles, Whirlpool
“Tim: If I ever said it was hard living with you, just say one word, 'Al'.

Jill: It's that bad, huh?

Tim: His mother recorded his whole life on video tape. Last night it was three hours of Muskie Fishing With Uncle Phil. Did you know that in the seventh grade he built a replica of the Washington Monument out of Popsicle sticks?

Jill: Lot's of kids do stuff like that.

Tim: It was life-sized.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: Roomie For Improvement
Tagged: washington Monument
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