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Last Man Standing Quotes

“Let's be honest, if nobody's talking, then nobody's listening. If nobody's listening, nobody's learning.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 7: Welcome Baxter
Tagged: Trust, Communication
“It's amazing, a woman with so many tools has so many screws loose.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 4: Helen Potts
Tagged: Tools, screw loose, Gaslighting
“Mike Baxter: [noticing Mandy coming down the stairs in a bright red clingy dress and high heels] Wow! Whoa!

Vanessa Baxter: Hey, hey. Where are you goin' dressed like that?

Mandy Baxter: Oh, I have a paper due and I didn't quite write it.

Mike Baxter: So why...why are you dressed like *that*?

Mandy Baxter: I need the professor to give me an extension or, if he really likes the dress, an A.”
— Mandy Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 3: All About Eve
Tagged: sexy dress, Teacher, seduction
“Vanessa Baxter: That cop pulled me over today and gave me a ticket.

Mike Baxter: I told ya to stay off Cedar, babe.

Vanessa Baxter: No, he's movin' around. He was on Hudson, today.

Mike Baxter: Hudson? That's under construction. Double the fine. Smart cop.

Vanessa Baxter: Oh, I don't care about the fine...

Mike Baxter: I care about the fine.

Vanessa Baxter: It's just...I've always been able to... you know...[tosses her hair]

Mike Baxter: Come on, honey, with your knockers, you go with the hair?”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 3: All About Eve
Tagged: traffic tickets, Women, Knockers, hair flip
“Vanessa Baxter: Uh, Eve, what happened to your lip?

Eve Baxter: Oh, uh, I got into a little scrap with Richie Hayden.

Vanessa Baxter: What?

Eve Baxter: Yeah, um, I know as a joke people like to say how you should see the other guy, but seriously, you should see the other guy.”
— Vanessa Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 3: All About Eve
Tagged: fights, bloody lip, you should see the other guy
“Mike Baxter: These kids are into big government. No surprise. Teenagers are used to spending other people's money.

Ed Alzate: What do kids that age know? They're just parroting the stuff they learned at home, just like Eve probably does with you.

Mike Baxter: No, no, no, no. Eve's different. She's an independent thinker. She comes to her own conclusions... that everything I say is right.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 3: All About Eve
Tagged: Big Government, independent thinkers, Politics, teenagers
“You can't keep sleeping on my couch. I want the memory foam to have a chance to forget about you.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 3: Ryan v. John Baker
Tagged: couch surfing, freeloading, Memory foam
“All right, all right, to all my winos, gamblers and drug dealers, Happy Thanksgiving.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 3: Thanksgiving
Tagged: winos, Gamblers, Drug Dealers, Happy Thanksgiving, Toast
“Kyle Anderson: Maybe I can just hang here in class with you?

Mandy Baxter: Okay, I guess. Are you sure you won't be bored?

Kyle Anderson: Are you kidding me? I love astronomy. Have you got into Capricorns yet?

Mandy Baxter: Oh, this is Intro to Astronomy. I'm pretty sure they get to horoscopes next semester.

Kyle Anderson: It's a good thing Capricorns are able to deal with crushing disappointment.”
— Kyle Anderson, Last Man Standing, Season 3: Pledging
Tagged: Astronomy, Astrology, Horoscopes, capricorns
“My philosophy is, 'If it ain't broke, hey, you got hosed buying the warranty'.”
— Uncle Ray, Last Man Standing, Season 3: Back to School
Tagged: if it ain't broke, warranty
“Mike Baxter: Hey babe.

Vanessa Baxter: He-ey.

Mike Baxter: What's the matter?

Vanessa Baxter: Oh nothing. I'm just... I'm just right on that late afternoon fence where do I have another cup of coffee or just say screw it and pour my first glass of wine.

Mike Baxter: Tough one.

Vanessa Baxter: Well, which way do you love me more, a little jittery and chatty or passed out and drooling by eight-thirty?

Mike Baxter: I love you both ways.
[leans in for a kiss then slides a wine bottle toward Vanessa]”
— Vanessa Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 3: Back to School
Tagged: Love, Sex, Lust, Coffee, Wine, Decisions
“Vanessa Baxter: Boyd is learning Spanish at his new school.

Blanca: And I will say, with *that* they are doing a very good job.

Mike Baxter: Why are they teaching him Spanish in the first grade?

Vanessa Baxter: Well, honey, it's a bilingual school. The teacher says everything in English and then says it again in Spanish.

Mike Baxter: So you work twice as hard to learn half as much.

Vanessa Baxter: Or they are learning twice as much because they're learning another language.

Mike Baxter: How do they even understand 'twice as much' if there's no time for math?”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 3: Back to School
Tagged: Math, Education, bilingual, english, spanish
“Vanessa Baxter: Mike, I thought there was supposed to be an article about you in the Denver Business Weekly?

Mike Baxter: The guy needed more time. Apparently, five thousand words isn't enough to take in all of this.

Vanessa Baxter: Well, that's the price you pay for being so fascinating.

Mike Baxter: Thank goodness you're a geologist. You dodged that bullet.”
— Vanessa Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 4: Rediscover America
Tagged: denver business weeklyl, fascinating, geologist, dodged a bullet
“Mandy Baxter: Wait a sec. Eve's in the paper, Dad's in a magazine. Sorry, did this whole family get a publicist and not tell me?

Eve Baxter: You don't need a publicist. Aren't you mentioned in a lot of limericks?

Mandy Baxter: Joke's on you. I don't know what a limerick is.”
— Mandy Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 4: Rediscover America
Tagged: limericks, publicity, joke's on you
“Mike Baxter: [after almost driving into a sinkhole] Oh, man! You good? It's all good. It's all good. Hold on a second. [puts car in reverse and pushes Boyd back into his seat] Get back in there. Sit back down. [after backing away from the sinkhole] Okay, listen, you sure you're all right?

Boyd Baxter: Yes, except for when you karate chopped me in the chest.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 4: Sinkhole
Tagged: Driving, bad driving, Accidents, Karate
“President Richard Nixon once said, 'People react to fear, not love.' Easy for him to say because he was kinda scary and nobody loved him.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 4: Sinkhole
Tagged: Richard Nixon, Fear, Love
“Eve Baxter: [reading the newspaper] Why can't the people in the Middle East keep it together?

Mandy Baxter: [reading a celeb gossip magazine] Why can't Taylor Swift hold onto a boyfriend?

Eve Baxter: Why can't North Korea join the rest of the world community?

Mandy Baxter: Why can't Courteney Cox join the Friends cast reunion?

Eve Baxter: Why can't Putin keep his shirt on?

Mandy Baxter: Why can't Channing Tatum keep his shirt on?”
— Eve Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 4: Sinkhole
Tagged: newspaper, Middle East, north korea, courteney cox, Friends, Vladimir Putin, channing tatum, Taylor Swift
“Mike Baxter: Everybody gives these athletes a lot of slack. It doesn't do them any good. I mean 99% of these kids will never play for a pro team, or even the Cleveland Browns.

Ed Alzate: Don't knock the Browns, Mike. If it weren't for them, the Bengals fans wouldn't have anyone to make fun of.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 2: Quarterback Boyfriend
Tagged: Cleveland Browns, Cincinnati Bengals, athletes, Slack, losers
“Ed Alzate: So now you're down on your quarterback. Even though he and Mandy have a date tonight.

Mike Baxter: How do you know that?

Ed Alzate: Mandy and I are Facebook pals. I asked her to be my friend, she said yes. We call it friending.

Mike Baxter: You should call it frightening.

Ed Alzate: Mandy has thousands of friends on the world wide web.

Mike Baxter: And as a parent, you're always going to be frightened that one of them is a weird, old man.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 2: Quarterback Boyfriend
Tagged: Facebook as a Digital Town Square, friending, World Wide Web
“That's right, people—Mandy's working the pole. I think we all saw this day coming.”
— Eve Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 4: School Merger
Tagged: Strippers
“Vanessa Baxter: [on Outdoor Man's Vlog] Come on down to Outdoor Man and get your husband off your back! And off your front. [winks]

Mike Baxter: [turning off webcam] Are you crazy? You know our minister watches this?

Vanessa Baxter: Oh please, he has eight kids, he knows what I'm talking about.”
— Vanessa Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 1: The Spotlight
Tagged: Sex, minister, Double Entendres
“Mike Baxter: Many times, you got to streamline conversations to avoid the big arguments. We do it all the time.

Vanessa Baxter: What?

Mike Baxter: Honey, married 30 years, we're in the home stretch. You might as well know, I actually like Chinese food. I just, you know, don't like watching you eat it.

Vanessa Baxter: Wow, I have been going without since '87.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 1: Take Your Daughter to Work
Tagged: Marriage, arguments, lying, Chinese Food
“Mike Baxter: Acne's not contagious.

Mandy Baxter: I don't know that, kids at school stayed away from them, treated them like leopards.

Vanessa Baxter: I think you mean leper.

Mandy Baxter: The D's silent, I didn't know that.”
— Mandy Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 4: Big Shots
Tagged: leper, leopard, Acne, Contagious
“A black man who likes hockey, that's the most creative costume I've seen all night.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 4: School Merger
Tagged: Black Men, Hockey, stereotypes
“Eve Baxter: Little girl? You're lucky this rifle was chained down or you'd be limping out of here carrying a concealed weapon.

Kyle Anderson: I don't understand.

Mandy Baxter: She's gonna put it up your butt.”
— Eve Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 4: Big Shots
Tagged: Guns, concealed weapon, butt
“Vanessa Baxter: Can you believe there's another Kardashian?

Mike Baxter: Like cars, comes out with a new model every year, got that new Kardashian smell.”
— Vanessa Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 4: Big Shots
Tagged: kardashian, new car, Smell
“Ryan: Scared of a little boy?

Mike Baxter: This coming from the guy who took one look at him and left for three years.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 4: Big Shots
Tagged: Fear, sissy, coward
“Mike Baxter: Hey Kyle, do you have a man cave?

Kyle Anderson: My van. One place where people aren't all up in my business. You have no idea how tiring it is.'Kyle, do this.' 'Kyle, do that.' 'Kyle, for God's sake, get your act together.'

Mike Baxter: I don't do that.

Kyle Anderson: Your daughter does.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 1: The Passion of the Mandy
Tagged: man cave, all up in my business
“Vanessa Baxter: Can you drive Eve to soccer?

Mike Baxter: [scoffing] Soccer. That's just Europe's covert war for the hearts and minds of America's kids.”
— Vanessa Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: soccer, eurocentrism, Conspiracy Theories
“Then only time men should be dancing is when other men are shootin' at their feet.”
— Mike Baxter, Last Man Standing, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Men, Dancing, gender roles
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