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Home Improvement Quotes

“You don't have to understand a woman. All you have to do is love her.”
— Eddie Phillips, Home Improvement, Season 1: Birds Of A Feather Flock To Taylor
Tagged: Love, The Way Love Works, How To Love A Woman, Understanding Woman
“That's a nice costume, Mrs. Taylor. You can't even tell how fat you are.”
— Curtis, Home Improvement, Season 3: Dollars And Sense
Tagged: Backhanded Compliments
“Brad: We got everything except the garlic gloves.

Jill: Garlic gloves? It's garlic cloves, honey.

Randy: Oh, so we had Mark sniffing gloves for nothing.”
— Jill Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 3: Be True To Your Tool
Tagged: cloves, gloves
“Tim: My sons are interested in baseball cards as an investment, and they don't wanna get ripped off.

Salesman: Sorry, all we do here is rip people off. Store policy.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 3: Dollars And Sense
Tagged: ripoff, baseball cards
“Randy: Did you rebel against your father?

Tim: He died before I could be a real jerk.

Randy: He'd be proud if he could see you now.”
— Randy Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 3: This Joke's For You
Tagged: rebel, Jerk
“Jill: Why are you so fascinated with fighting? I don't want anybody to beat anybody up. What is wrong with you people? You make me sick. I just want you to love each other, you big bunch of jerks.

Tim: [to Brad and Randy] Er, you satisfied? You know she was talking to you two.”
— Jill Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: Karate Or Not, Here I Come
Tagged: Fighting, Jerks
“If I wanted something my brother had, I'd knock him down and take it.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: Much Ado About Nana
Tagged: Sibling rivalry
“Randy: My dad's been in the hospital so much they gave him a preferred customer card.

Tim: Yeah, one more head injury and we win a trip to Hawaii.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 3: This Joke's For You
Tagged: hospital, head injury
“Tim: I didn't bug you during childbirth.

Jill: No, but you bugged me during conception.”
— Jill Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: Where There's A Will, There's A Way
Tagged: Man-bashing, Childbirth, Conception
“Tim: I go to the opera with you.

Jill: Oh, once. I've sat through three Rambo movies. When was the last time you took me to a foreign film?

Tim: Didn't we just see Le Robocop?”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: Love Is A Many Splintered Thing
Tagged: french, rambo, robocop, Opera
“Jill: Wilson, do you think humans are more important than machines?

Wilson: Without a doubt. Although, I am awfully fond of my waffle maker.

Jill: Well could you please tell that to the knucklehead I'm married to?

Wilson: Oh, he knows. He's had my waffles.”
— Jill Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: Heavy Meddle
Tagged: humans, Machines
“Jill: I am so glad that I didn't let anybody talk me out of marrying you.

Tim: Who tried to talk you out of marrying me?

Jill: Oh no one, you know, my mom, my dad, my sisters, my cousins, the minister, the post man, some guy down at the mail box, you know, oh and Sheila, who said to me, 'Don't marry him, I know a loser when I see one'.

Tim: Good thing she was wrong.

Jill: Who said she was wrong?”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: You're Driving Me Crazy, You're Driving Me Nuts
Tagged: Husband-Bashing, Misandry
“Tim: If I ever said it was hard living with you, just say one word, 'Al'.

Jill: It's that bad, huh?

Tim: His mother recorded his whole life on video tape. Last night it was three hours of Muskie Fishing With Uncle Phil. Did you know that in the seventh grade he built a replica of the Washington Monument out of Popsicle sticks?

Jill: Lot's of kids do stuff like that.

Tim: It was life-sized.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: Roomie For Improvement
Tagged: washington Monument
“Tim: How many times have you been married?

Fred: Three.

Tim: Why do you suppose that is?

Fred: I can't find a woman who understands me.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Luck Be A Taylor Tonight
Tagged: Marriage, Misunderstood, Self-awareness
“If a woman holds up a stop sign, if she designed it, it would say 'If you really knew me, you'd know what you should do right now.'”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: Read My Hips
Tagged: Women, Evasiveness, Beating around the bush
“Tim: There's two different types of pain. Pain and man pain.

Mark: What's man pain?

Tim: Man pain is when you do something stupid.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 2: Groin Pains
Tagged: Pain, Man Pain
“Jill Taylor: I don't wanna be a nagging wife.

Tim Taylor: Then, how would I recognize you?”
— Jill Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Stereo-Typical
Tagged: nagging wife
“Al: Anyone can do what you do.

Tim: Oh, really? You think you could do what I do?

Al: Oh, please. How hard could it be to tell bad jokes and screw up all the time?

Tim: A lot harder than it looks.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: A Battle Of Wheels
Tagged: Self-deprecation
“Jill Taylor: [the family's out camping and Tim just got back from the car] Oh thank God, I was getting worried. I heard this awful howling.

Tim Taylor: Oh, that was me. Couldn't find any leaves, had to use a pine cone.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Baby, It's Cold Outside
Tagged: public defecation, no toilet paper
“Brad: I can't dance with my mother.

Jill: Hey, I used to change your diaper and powder your butt. Now get over here.”
— Brad Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Forever Jung
Tagged: mother son
“Jill: We're keeping score.

Tim: I thought you didn't want to keep score.

Jill: Oh, is the great big, bad bowling man afraid his itty-bitty wife is going to beat him?

Tim: Is the itty-bitty wife afraid the big, bad bowling man is going to leave her in the PARKING LOT?”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Up Your Alley
Tagged: arguments, keeping score, itty-bitty
“This is an excuse, women, and you're not the type to have excuses. You need to be taught. I don't think you're stupid just 'cause you don't know anything....You know, I—that didn't come out right.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Reach Out And Teach Someone
Tagged: excuses, insults
“Brad Taylor: I don't have any lines.

Randy Taylor: That's because you blew it, you stooge. He was trying out for one of the wise men, and he said they were carrying gold and Frankenstein.”
— Randy Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Up Your Alley
Tagged: frankenstein, Frankincense
“Jill Taylor: I thought you said it was a technical problem.

Tim Taylor: Technically, I was the problem.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Bubble, Bubble, Toil And Trouble
Tagged: technical problem
“Mark Taylor: I have a woman—Mommy.

Randy Taylor: Your mommy can't be your woman, doofus.

Tim Taylor: A lot of men pay a psychiatrist a lot of money to figure that one out.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Look Who's Not Talking
Tagged: Mommy Issues
“Tim Taylor: I'm gonna let you guys in on a little secret, all right? Women, as we know them, are born without a face.

Randy Taylor: Bull!

Tim Taylor: Listen to me—women are like a Mr. Potato Head. You've heard your mom say every now and then, 'Excuse me, fellas, I've gotta go upstairs and put my face on.' She scurries up here, and draws one on with this stuff.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Bubble, Bubble, Toil And Trouble
Tagged: Women, Mr. Potato Head, Put your face on, Makeup
“Tim Taylor: I like to create, Wilson. Everything I do, I wanna make bigger and better.

Wilson: Well, Tim, this obsessive desire to create partly happens because men feel inferior to women. [Tim grunts, perplexed]
It's because we can't bear children.

Tim Taylor: Ah, I don't mind the boys that much.

Wilson: No no no, Tim; what I mean is, women can give birth, and we can't.

Tim Taylor: And we sure lucked out on that part.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Bubble, Bubble, Toil And Trouble
Tagged: Misandry, Giving Birth
“Jill Taylor: They broke the mirror, they put in the wrong tiling, we've got a cement...

Jill Taylor: [suddenly seeing her new whirlpool bath] Oh, wow, wow, what's this?

Tim Taylor: This is what will make it all worthwhile: Your new whirlpool.

Jill Taylor: Oh, Tim, it's so beautiful. Look at the color; it's perfect.

Tim Taylor: Not to mention seven adjustable jets, three speeds—low, medium and 'who needs a man?'”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Bubble, Bubble, Toil And Trouble
Tagged: Women and Shower Nozzles, Whirlpool
“Mark Taylor: Are you gonna make Brad and Randy say they're sorry?

Tim Taylor: Well, you have two choices: You either make 'em apologize, or we could get even.

Mark Taylor: Get even!

Tim Taylor: That's my boy!”
— Mark Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Flying Sauces
Tagged: Apologize, get even
“Tim Taylor: A live chicken? Brad, who the hell do you hang out with?

Brad Taylor: Mom...

Jill Taylor: What?

Brad Taylor: Dad's cussing.

Tim Taylor: I wasn't cussing.

Mark Taylor: He said a bad word.

Tim Taylor: It wasn't bad.

Randy Taylor: Yeah, he said 'hell' and 'damn'.

Tim Taylor: I did not say 'damn'.

Randy Taylor: Now you did.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Adventures In Fine Dining
Tagged: Cussing
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