Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo

37 Jokes From The Funniest Women In America

The whole concept that women aren't funny is dead. It's over; it's done. 
Kendra Syrdal
August 25, 2016
“Remember, if you fail you can start a new life for yourself in North Carolina.”
— Grace Helbig, Grace's Guide, The Art Of Pretending To Be A Grownup
Tagged: humor, Failing, Remember This, Ambition, Dreams
“Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there.”
— Sloane Crosley, I Was Told There'd Be Cake
Tagged: humor, Life, Growing Up
“Ladies: Don't come off desperate and reply quickly to your crushes texts. Wait a while. Meet someone else. Get Married. Start a family. Keep him guessing.”
— Violet K. Benson
Tagged: Violet Benson, Daddy Issues, Funny, Jokes, Funny Quotes, Desperate Girls, Keep Him Guessing
“I just need to ride out this minor humiliation until I find my Kanye.”
— Mindy Kaling, The Mindy Project
Tagged: Love, Breakups, Heartbreak, strength, Relationships
“There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.”
— Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
Tagged: Drinking, Trust, Alcohol
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.”
— Joan Rivers, 30 great one-liners
Tagged: Funny Quotes, Exercise, Running, Hate Working Out, Lazy
“Your twenties are the worst part of your life that you don't actually know at the time is terrible.”
— Julie Klausner, I Don't Care About Your Band
Tagged: humor, Twenties, 20s, 20-Somethings, Millennials, Growing Up
“You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to fuck it.”
— Tina Fey, Bossypants
Tagged: Blond, Guys Are Stupid
“Never laugh at your significant other when they're having an orgasm. That is their time to shine.”
— Iliza Shlesinger, War Paint
Tagged: Funny, Sex, orgasms, Women in Comedy
“This isn’t a bra, it’s body armor. And this isn’t make up, it’s war paint.”
— Iliza Shlesinger, War Paint
Tagged: Funny, Makeup, Girls, Women in Comedy
“The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.”
— Iliza Shlesinger, War Paint
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Nazi, Airlines, Flying Sucks
“My arms register as legs. And my legs register as
firewood.”
— Amy Schumer, Amy Schumer: Live At The Apollo
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Body Image, Hollywood is Stupid
“Have you ever dated a sex addict? At first, it's so much fun.  You're like, 'Am I the hottest piece of ass in the world?' And then you're like, 'Oh no. He would fuck a mailbox.'”
— Amy Schumer, Amy Schumer: Live At The Apollo
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Sex, Sex Addicts
“We have to be a role model for these little girls, because who do they have? All they have, literally, is the Kardashians. A whole family of women who take the faces they were born with as a light suggestion?”
— Amy Schumer, Amy Schumer Monologue - SNL
Tagged: Kardashians, Body Image, Women in Comedy
“Whenever there's a group of women you identify with on of the girls from Sex and the City. And if somebody's like, 'You're more like a Miranda,' you're allowed to be like, 'Why don't you kill yourself!?'”
— Amy Schumer, Amy Schumer Monologue - SNL
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Female Friendships, Sex And The City
“I think that I get labeled a sex comic just because I'm a woman. Like, a guy could get up here and literally pull his dick out and people would be like, 'He's a thinker.'”
— Amy Schumer, Women Who Kill
Tagged: Women in Comedy, feminism
“In every group of girlfriends there's one friend who's like, the sluttiest. And if you don't have that friend — you're that friend. Let's be real.”
— Amy Schumer, Mostly Sex Stuff
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Friends, Slutty Friends
“Do you guys think it's worse to wear a fedora or kill 15 people?”
— Chelsea Peretti, One of the Greats
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Fedora, Murder
“I don’t like eating bananas in public. That is so stressful if you’re a girl. It’s so annoying ‘cause it’s such a portable, good snack, but if you’re a girl and you want to eat a banana all of a sudden you’re in the position of like, how to I de-dick this delicious treat…?”
— Chelsea Peretti, One of the Greats
Tagged: Women in Comedy
“I ain't no damsel in distress. You can go get the car baby while I handle these three thug muthafuckas.”
— Leslie Jones, Problem Child
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Damsel in Distress
“You know what happened to Oprah at 23? She got fired. Imagine firing Oprah. It wasn't a mistake. Because she wasn't Oprah. She was just some 23-year-old punk who needed to get fired so she could become Oprah.”
— Leslie Jones, Weekend Update
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Oprah, Dreams, Life Lessons
“I was going to make this new rule for myself 'no sex on the first date' that my new rule. So I quit dating.”
— Nikki Glaser, Women Who Kill
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Sex, Sex on the first date
“If I had Instagram it would just be pictures of my son. Who is a cat.”
— Kate McKinnon, The Hollywood Reporter Roundtables
Tagged: Women in Comedy, cats, Social Media
“I'll work for a hamburger.”
— Kate McKinnon, The Hollywood Reporter Roundtable
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Working
“With kids it's so funny because they're not strong enough to kill you. But they want to kill you so bad.”
— Tina Fey, Tina Fey on Letterman
Tagged: Women in Comedy, kids, Jokes, Parenthood
“Some people are not meant to be mothers and some people are not meant to drive.”
— Lena Dunham, The Ellen Show
Tagged: Women in Comedy
“There are so many things that I would be so afraid to do. Like hike Mount Kilimanjaro or go to a CrossFit gym.”
— Lena Dunham, The Ellen Show
Tagged: Women in Comedy, fears
“Currently getting a pedicure. Or as I call it '30 minutes of trying to not kick someone in the face because I am baby level ticklish'.”
— Mamrie Hart, Twitter
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Pedicures, Ticklish
“My love of coffee, green juice, and booze sure has LIQUIDated my bank account.*

*don't even play like that wasn't perfect.”
— Mamrie Hart, Twitter
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Drinks, Money
“Don't love the fact that I momentarily forgot I was in a Uber and started BELTING the chorus to 'Kiss from a Rose' but my driver sure did!”
— Mamrie Hart, Twitter
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Uber, Singing, Car Singing