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Amy Schumer Quotes

Total quotes: 26
“We all know one-night stands aren’t cure-alls for broken hearts and low self-esteem. That shit can backfire hard. We’ve all tried some form of remedy by way of sex and wound up feeling even more alone and running back to whatever dickface we’d just found the strength to leave.”
— Amy Schumer, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo
Tagged: One Night Stands, Self-Esteem, Sex, Dick Boyfriends
“I got out of the shower and stopped to look at myself in the mirror. I looked blotchy and messy and not at all like those girls in magazines. But I was still fucking beautiful.”
— Amy Schumer, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo
Tagged: Body Image
“We have to be a role model for these little girls, because who do they have? All they have, literally, is the Kardashians. A whole family of women who take the faces they were born with as a light suggestion?”
— Amy Schumer, Amy Schumer Monologue - SNL
Tagged: Kardashians, Body Image, Women in Comedy
“The saddest realization I’ve had in my life is that my parents are people. Sad, human people. I aged a decade in that moment.”
— Amy Schumer, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo
Tagged: Aging, Getting Old, Parents
“Social media is a great tool for all of us introverts and decent people alike as it speeds up the time between thinking someone is great and realizing they’re the worst.”
— Amy Schumer, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo
Tagged: Social Media, Introverts
“Have you ever dated a sex addict? At first, it's so much fun.  You're like, 'Am I the hottest piece of ass in the world?' And then you're like, 'Oh no. He would fuck a mailbox.'”
— Amy Schumer, Amy Schumer: Live At The Apollo
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Sex, Sex Addicts
“Whenever there's a group of women you identify with on of the girls from Sex and the City. And if somebody's like, 'You're more like a Miranda,' you're allowed to be like, 'Why don't you kill yourself!?'”
— Amy Schumer, Amy Schumer Monologue - SNL
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Female Friendships, Sex And The City
“In every group of girlfriends there's one friend who's like, the sluttiest. And if you don't have that friend — you're that friend. Let's be real.”
— Amy Schumer, Mostly Sex Stuff
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Friends, Slutty Friends
“I am a woman with thoughts and questions and shit to say. I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story — I will.”
— Amy Schumer, Gloria Awards
Tagged: feminism, Self-Worth, Self-Love, Putting Yourself First, Owning Yourself
“What's wrong with being alone anyway? Being alone is sometimes a great place to be, but people are always trying to correct this 'problem' for you, even if you yourself don't have any kind of problem with it.”
— Amy Schumer, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo
Tagged: Alone, Single, H4D-53
“I know it’s a TV show and whatever, but would it hurt ratings that bad to have a woman whose thighs touch? Would they lose an advertiser?”
— Amy Schumer, Bachelor Nation: Inside the World of America's Favorite Guilty Pleasure
Tagged: the bachelor, Women, beauty, Bodies, thighs
“There are lots of ‘firsts’ like this in life, little flashpoints here and there when you’re unknowingly becoming a woman.”
— Amy Schumer, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo
Tagged: Fashpoints, Firsts, Becoming A Woman
“I don’t know how introverts survived without the Internet. Or with the Internet. Actually, I don’t know how we survive at all. It feels impossible.”
— Amy Schumer, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo
Tagged: Introverts, Internet
“I shit myself in Austin while I was going for a walk recently.”
— Amy Schumer, Inside Amy Schumer, Season 3: Last F**kable Day
Tagged: Poop, Walk, embarrassing
“I know we're done here.”
— Amy Townsend, Trainwreck
Tagged: Knowledge, Finished, breakup
“As it turns out, I'm in terrible physical shape.”
— Amy Townsend, Trainwreck
Tagged: Exercise, In Shape, Exhausted
“My arms register as legs. And my legs register as
firewood.”
— Amy Schumer, Amy Schumer: Live At The Apollo
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Body Image, Hollywood is Stupid
“When you have a sick parent, you can’t help but think of the end. Like literally, the final moments of life come to mind when I begin to love someone. I think, Will this dude push my wheelchair? And even scarier, Would I be willing to push his?”
— Amy Schumer, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo
Tagged: Sick Parents, Love, real love
“He said he loved me, but every step of the way he’d hurt and sabotage me. I realized later that he put me down so much because he was probably terrified that I’d realize he was nothing and leave him. Which is exactly what I did.”
— Amy Schumer, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo
Tagged: Love, Toxic, Toxic Relationships
“Guys don’t care what you do. A guy could be talking to two women at a party, and one is beautiful and just won the Nobel Prize in Literature, and the other is just slightly hotter and like, has a job interview at H& M in the morning. And 10 times out of 10, you know how that’s going to go.”
— Amy Schumer, I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that
Tagged: Dating Advice, Guy Advice, Relationship Advice
“So if you’re an introvert like me, especially a female introvert, or a person who is expected to give away your energy to everyone else on the reg, I want to encourage you to find time to be alone. Don’t be afraid to excuse yourself. Recharge for as long as you need. Lean up against a tree and take a break from the other bears. I’ll be there too, but I promise not to bother you.”
— Amy Schumer, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo
Tagged: Introverts, Female Introverts, Save Your Energy, Recharge
“Everyone’s parents have fucked them up in one way or another. This is part of the natural order. It’s the circle of life. Mothers are people—not angels from heaven or Ex Machina error-free service bots. Just because they pushed you out of their vaginal canals does not mean they have all (or any) of the answers. Before they had you, they were flailing around like idiots, just like you are right now. My point is, they are just people. Most likely extraordinarily flawed people.”
— Amy Schumer, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo
Tagged: Parents, Parenthood
“You become a woman the first time you stand up for yourself when they get your order wrong at a diner, or when you first realize your parents are full of shit. You become a woman the first time you get fitted for a bra and realize you’ve been wearing a very wrong size your whole fucking life. You become a woman the first time you fart in front of a boyfriend. The first time your heart breaks. The first time you break someone else’s heart. The first time someone you love dies.”
— Amy Schumer, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo
Tagged: feminism, Growing Up
“I’m mad because girls as young as eight years old are being shamed about their bodies. Fifth graders go on diets and admire Instagram pics of celebs in waist trainers. Some of the people I’m closest to have struggled with eating disorders. I’m mad at an industry that suggests that painfully thin is the only acceptable way to be. Please don’t get on me for skinny shaming. If that’s how you are shaped, God bless, but we gotta mix it up, because it’s upsetting and confusing to women with other body types. When I’m onstage performing for over ten thousand people, I look out at the crowd and about half of the women in the audience have their arms folded to cover their stomachs. We’re endlessly shown that being dangerously thin is the only way to be valuable— or even acceptable.”
— Amy Schumer, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo
Tagged: Body Image, Negative Body Image, Women's Magazines
“Women are always expected to be the gracious hostess, quick with an anecdote and a sprinkling of laughter at others’ stories. We are always the ones who have to smooth over all the awkward moments in life with soul-crushing pleasantries. We are basically unpaid geishas. But when we do not fulfill this expectation (because we are introverted), people assume we must be either depressed or a cunt. Maybe I’m a cunt anyway, but it’s not because I don’t want to blink and smile at someone as they tell me they ran cross-country in middle school.”
— Amy Schumer, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo
Tagged: gender, Women
“You become a woman the first time you fart in front of a boyfriend. The first time your heart breaks. The first time you break someone else’s heart. The first time someone you love dies. The first time you lie and make yourself look bad so a friend you love can look better. And less dramatic things are meaningful too, like the first time a guy tries to put a finger in your ass. The first time you express the reality that you don’t want that finger in your ass. That you really don’t want anything in your ass at all. Or to have any creative, adventurous sex for that matter. That you just want to be fucked missionary sometimes and without any nonsense. You will remember all these moments later as the moments that made you the woman you are.”
— Amy Schumer, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo
Tagged: Becoming A Woman, first, Sex
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