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Chelsea Handler Quotes

Total quotes: 12
“I wonder if Donald Trump watches footage of himself and thinks, 'I look great.'”
— Chelsea Handler, Twitter
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Donald Trump
“Do you think last night was the first time @realDonaldTrump had heard @MELANIATRUMP speak?”
— Chelsea Handler
Tagged: Election 2016 Jokes, chelsea handler, Melania Trump, Donald Trump, candidates
“Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.”
— Chelsea Handler, I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that
Tagged: Sex Advice, Dating
“Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.”
— Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
Tagged: Heartache, vibrator, H4D-21
“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”
— Chelsea Handler, Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
Tagged: Womanhood, humor, Relationships, How To Be Single Again, Single Life, Being Single, Single People Problems
“It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.”
— Chelsea Handler, Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
Tagged: humor, Wisdom, self, Personality
“Yes, of course I want to get married, but does that mean I'm not allowed to go out and have a good time? Am I supposed to just marry any schmuck that comes along?”
— Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
Tagged: Marriage, Getting Married, H4D-48
“There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.”
— Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
Tagged: Drinking, Trust, Alcohol
“The Backstreet Boys are releasing a new album, and all their fans ovaries are releasing their last eggs.”
— Chelsea Handler, Twitter
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Backstreet Boys
“Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.”
— Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
Tagged: Laughter, enjoy life
“My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.”
— Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
Tagged: Sex, hookups
“When I realize I'm out of sleeping pills on a 5 hour flight.”
— Chelsea Handler
Tagged: Best Captions of Instagram, best instagram captions, funniest instagram captions, chelsea handler, Funny, comedian, humor, celebrity selfies, Celebrities
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