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Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

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Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Sabrina, the Teenage Witch is an American sitcom based on the Archie comic book series of the same name. The show premiered on September 27, 1996 on ABC to over 17 million viewers in its "T.G.I.F." line-up. The show stars Melissa Joan Hart as Sabrina Spe...

Watch Sabrina, the Teenage Witch online

Genres:	Comedy, Family, Sci-Fi & Fantasy
Number Of Seasons:	7
Networks:	ABC, The WB
Created By:	Nell Scovell
User Score (votes):	6.2 / 10 (89)

ProducerNick Bakay

ProducerPaula Hart

Writers often seen in this show:

Andrew Borakove, Dan Berendsen, Joan Binder Weiss, Jon Sherman, Marley Sims, Nell Scovell, Nick Bakay, Rachel Lipman, Sheldon Bull, Tod Himmel

Sabrina, the Teenage Witch Characters

Season 1 Quotes

Season 2 Quotes

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Season 4 Quotes

Season 5 Quotes

Season 6 Quotes

Season 7 Quotes

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Total quotes (100)

Zelda: Salem, you owe Sabrina an apology. Now!

Salem: I’m thinking of how to word it.

Hilda: Try 'I’m sorry.'

Salem: Somehow, that just doesn’t feel right...

— Salem Saberhagen (voice) (Nick Bakay), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: A Girl and Her Cat

Sorry Apology Sassy Bitchy Rude

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M’Lady: Salem, you’re the only one who understands me.

Salem: Yeah, but it doesn’t mean I care.

— Salem Saberhagen (voice) (Nick Bakay), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: A Halloween Story

Understanding Connection joke Rude Sassy

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Sabrina: Can you distract a room full of poets?

Hilda: Easy.

Salem: With your clothes on?

Hilda: Oh.

— Hilda Spellman (Caroline Rhea), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 6: Time After Time

humor Raunchy Poets Distraction Irreverent

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The end of a relationship is always the most depressing part. But it's gotta be really depressing to end something that never got a chance to begin.

— Roxie King (Soleil Moon Frye), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Finally!

Almost Relationships Dating Love depressing chances breakup

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I just don’t get why they’re making us read 1984 when Orwell got so much wrong...

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: Cat Showdown

Literature 1984 George Orwell School joke

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Roxie: Do you hear yourself when you speak?

Morgan: Depends on what I say.

— Morgan Cavanaugh (Elisa Donovan), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 6: Sabrina's Date with Destiny

joke Ditzy dumb Sassy

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Roxie: Did you put in fresh batteries?

Sabrina: Yeah, I'm packing two Ds. And believe me, that's the first time I've ever said that.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: House of Pi's

Raunchy Irreverent joke Womanhood

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So, you're in the nuclear biz? I once dated a guy named Adam, but then we split!

— Morgan Cavanaugh (Elisa Donovan), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 7: Spellmanian Slip

joke Science Science Joke Nuclear Pun

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I'm sorry, Sabrina. I didn't want to hurt you; I just wanted to rule you.

— Salem Saberhagen (voice) (Nick Bakay), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 3: Salem, the Boy

Power Hungry rule Sassy Apology

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Sabrina: Harvey?

Harvey: I'm not really sure what this [Soul-stone] is, but something told me I would find the answer here.

Sabrina: I think that I just found mine.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 7: Soul Mates

Fate Destiny soulmates Love Answer sweet End Game

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Aaron: Never think that 'almost' is good enough for you.

Sabrina: Or for you...

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 7: Soul Mates

Love Self-Worth Self-Confidence breakup Almost

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Wait a minute. How are you gonna quit magic? Go to Witch Watchers?

— Harvey Kinkle (Nate Richert), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 7: Witch Way Out

Pun joke witch Magic Weight Watchers

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Hilda: Sabrina, I do not want a birthday party, I do not want one on the beach, I do not want one with a sneach, I do not want one up in space, I do not want one any place!

Sabrina: A party in Whoville?

— Hilda Spellman (Caroline Rhea), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Tick-Tock Hilda's Clock

Rhyme Dr. Suess birthday party Whoville Pop Culture

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Annabelle: Who better to be my Maid of Honor than the person who fixed the rift between my Daddy and me?

Sabrina: Well, besides a sister, college roommate or lifelong friend, I can't think of anyone...

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 4: Salem's Daughter

wedding Marriage Maid Of Honor awkward Friendship

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Salem: Whoa! Who's your new friend?

Zelda: It’s her first wart as a witch!

Hilda: Oh, let me get the camera!

— Hilda Spellman (Caroline Rhea), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: Sabrina Through the Looking Glass

witch Wart maturity Adolescence joke

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Jenny: This is such a great place! I mean, how many people have their own turret?

Sabrina: I don’t know, me and Rapunzel?

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: Jenny's Non-Dream

Rapunzel witch Castle Turret House joke Nervous

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Harvey: Salem invited me. He said there would be food and fireworks.

Salem: I have lighted the fuse. Now I just have to wait for the kapowie! Muahahaha!

— Salem Saberhagen (voice) (Nick Bakay), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 7: Spellmanian Slip

Evil Devious Fireworks party Explosion

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Sabrina: Hey, guys, having fun?

Roxie: I'm standing here with Miles, what do you think?

Miles: If this is the best party of all time, I'm glad I'm a social outcast.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: The Halloween Scene

party Outcast Socially Awkward Introvert awkward Bored Relatable

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Roxie: If you're gonna date based on principle, your choices are the Pope or St. Francis of Assisi.

Sabrina: So I've got options.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Finally!

Dating Options Principle Francis of Assisi Pope joke Relationships

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Sabrina: You know that love between two people is stronger than any legal document.

Gail: Yes. But as a lawyer, I’m not supposed to admit it...

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: Meeting Dad's Girlfriend

Love Relationships Lawyer Legal Documents Marriage joke

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Sabrina: Great! Great, great, great!

Hilda: That’s the spirit!

Sabrina: I was being sarcastic!

Hilda: So was I...

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: Sabrina Through the Looking Glass

Sarcasm joke upset angry

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How can you choose the Pleasure Dome over High School?! Wait, that didn't come out right...

— Hilda Spellman (Caroline Rhea), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: Third Aunt From the Sun

High Schools joke Pleasure Dome club party

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A French dinosaur. I only wish this was the strangest thing I've ever encountered.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 3: Sabrina's Real World

french Dinosaur joke strange Magic

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Zelda: So, I hear things are heating up between you and Derek.

Sabrina: Well, let's just say we could melt a glacier.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Some of My Best Friends are Half-Mortals

Dating Relationships joke Pun Climate Change

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Salem: Hmm. I knew this day would come. Sabrina, it's time for the talk.

Sabrina: Most girls get it from their mothers, I get it from the cat.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Sabrina's Got Spirit

the talk Cat Magic Animals joke

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Sabrina: Mr. Pool, do you have a minute?

Mr. Pool: Yes, a lifetime of them. And they are suddenly going by very slowly.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: Terrible Things

Depression Sad Life Time Disappointment

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Mounty: Freeze!

Hilda: As if we can do anything ELSE in this weather...

— Hilda Spellman (Caroline Rhea), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 3: Pancake Madness

Mounty Weather Freezing cold Snow joke Sassy

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Roxie: Look, you seem very nice.

Sabrina: Thanks.

Roxie: I have no room in my life for people like that.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Every Witch Way but Loose

enemies joke Rude Sassy

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Sabrina: Please, what do they have that I don't?

Miles: Ten feet of legs.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 6: The Whole Ball of Wax

Supermodels Insult Sexist Self-Confidence

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Gordon: What can you tell me about Salem’s temperament?

Sabrina: Well he’s very friendly, very focused and... just a little power mad.

Gordon: Sounds like he’s all cat.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: Cat Showdown

cats Animals joke Magic Temperament

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Sabrina: Salem, what are you doing?

Salem: Nothing!

Sabrina: You’re in a chatroom again pretending to be a woman, aren’t you?

Salem: I like the attention

— Salem Saberhagen (voice) (Nick Bakay), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: First Kiss

Catfish Technology Chatroom Attention joke

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I hate doctors! They poke you, and ask if that hurts. Of course it hurts, you just poked me!

— Hilda Spellman (Caroline Rhea), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Tick-Tock Hilda's Clock

Relatable doctor medical joke Sassy

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At the end of the day, the important thing to remember is that Aaron loves me, and I love Harvey.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 7: Spellmanian Slip

Love Love Triangle Relationships Complicated

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Sabrina: So you're my prince...

Aaron: Not a prince, just a man who wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 7: You Slay Me

Prince wedding Royal Love sweet Confession

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Oh, my gosh, Josh, this is fantastic! You're the greatest boyfriend in the universe. And I know, I've been out there.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 6: Hex, Lies & No Videotape

Relationships Love Boyfriend Universe Magic witch

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Hilda: Maybe we should start with something simple. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Harvey: A penny saved is a penny earned.

Salem: Don't eat yellow snow.

— Hilda Spellman (Caroline Rhea), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 6: Deliver Us from E-mail

Advice Adage wise joke

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Josh: It's funny how you two became best friends. Didn't she hate you at first?

Sabrina: Roxie hates everybody at first. It's her way of reaching out to people.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 6: Cloud Ten

Friendship Hate Enemy Frenemies awkward

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So what are you looking forward to most about being a Mu Pi? Doing your toenails with the other girls, or highlighting each other's hair?

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: House of Pi's

Sororities Girly College Making Fun Impersonation

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Zelda: Now, we'll empty our minds.

Hilda: That, I can do.

— Hilda Spellman (Caroline Rhea), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: Sabrina Through the Looking Glass

joke meditation Emptiness Sassy

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Sabrina: They have parties on Monday night?

Josh: This is college. They have parties every night.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Double Time

School College party Relatable

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Libby: What’s your problem, Freak? Hoping Santa will give you a personality this year?

Sabrina: And a crossbow!

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 2: Sabrina Claus

Insult bullying Sassy Comeback santa Christmas Holidays Violence

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Sgt. Slater: Spellman, Spellman... Why is that name so familiar? Hilda Spellman... Hilda Thorn-In-My-Side Spellman! Don't tell me you're related to Hilda Spellman?

Sabrina: ...Okay!

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 2: Sabrina Gets Her License (2)

Lie joke Family Sassy

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I remember the first time a boy gave me a star... Next thing I knew, three wise men were at the door.

— Hilda Spellman (Caroline Rhea), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 2: Dummy for Love

Religion joke Christmas Love Relationships

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James: Now can anyone tell me what's wrong with what Sean did?

Amanda: He got caught.

— Amanda (Emily Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Witchright Hall

Rebellious Mischief Caught trouble School detention Irreverent

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Sabrina: ...So then, Jenny’s dad landed on Park Place, and to pay the rent he had to borrow money from her little brother. It was super-funny.

Harvey: My family can’t play board games, not since the Pictionary incident. I still can’t talk about it...

— Harvey Kinkle (Nate Richert), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: Jenny's Non-Dream

Games Family joke Competition Monopoly Pictionary Competitive

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Morgan: Why am I such an idiot? I keep fooling myself into thinking that one year I am actually going to have a normal Christmas.

Sabrina: Morgan, normal is relative.

Morgan: Yeah, too bad my relatives aren't normal.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Sabrina's Perfect Christmas

Christmas Holidays Relatives relative Family

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Roxie: Whoever you are, I'm warning you, I have a black belt.

Hilda: Roxie?

Roxie: Okay, it's charcoal, but it goes with the shoes. Hilda, what are you doing here? And what's with your hair?

— Hilda Spellman (Caroline Rhea), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Sabrina's Perfect Christmas

black belt Fashion intruder joke

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Morgan: Sabrina, we said that we were gonna spend tonight cleaning out the closets and getting rid of junk. And by that, I mean Roxie's clothes.

Roxie: If we dumped half your makeup, we'd have room for an ice-skating rink.

— Morgan Cavanaugh (Elisa Donovan), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 7: Call Me Crazy

insults Rude cleaning Friendship Roommates Bitchy

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Valerie: I was just invited to a party.

Sabrina: At seven o’clock?

Valerie: Well, I wasn’t exactly invited, but people saw me hear about it and didn’t warn me to keep away. D’ya wanna come?

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 2: A Doll's Story

Teens Youth party joke Eavesdropping

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Haley: So, what do you do for fun?

Amanda: You're looking at the witch who put the hole in the ozone layer.

Sean: Wow, I didn't know girls could do stuff like that.

Amanda: Well, you don't know this girl.

— Amanda (Emily Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Witchright Hall

feminism Women Ozone Layer Magic witch Fun Mischief

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Miles: Okay, I've checked out all the bedrooms and closets. And, Morgan, while you have an interesting selection of hosiery, I detect no supernatural activity.

Morgan: You went looking for poltergeists in my underwear drawer?

Miles: For your own protection.

— Morgan Cavanaugh (Elisa Donovan), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Sabrina's Got Spirit

Poltergeist Supernatural Raunchy Underwear Irreverent Ghost Hunting joke

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Salem: I still don’t understand why I can’t go to parents’ night with you.

Zelda: Because, Salem, it’s weird enough that we’re two sisters who live together in an old Victorian house. If we show up with a cat, we cross the line into Loonyville.

— Zelda Spellman (Beth Broderick), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: The True Adventures of Rudy Kazootie

Cat animal Magic bizarre Sisters crazy

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Hilda: Now! Now! Be careful pointing your finger at people, it could be way too dangerous!

Sabrina: You're pointing at me, so isn't that dangerous?

Hilda: I have the safety on, of course.

— Hilda Spellman (Caroline Rhea), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: Pilot

Magic witch dangerous joke Safety Parenting

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Sabrina: Okay, we have five witches and a newt, we should be able to do something.

Hilda: I’ve got it: We all hide inside a giant wooden horse!

Zelda: Hmm, that worked so well the last time.

— Hilda Spellman (Caroline Rhea), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: A Girl and Her Cat

Witches Trojan Horse Roman Mythology Mythology joke Sarcasm

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Salem: Let's destroy everything that's dear to him. Let's indoctrinate him into the cathedral of agony.

Zelda: I'm going to write him a very stern letter.

Salem: You're a regular Mad Max, aren't you?

— Salem Saberhagen (voice) (Nick Bakay), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 3: The Big Sleep

Revenge mad max Agony Destruction Sarcasm

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Aaron: It steams me seeing Harvey standing next to you. It seems that Harvey's more than just an ex to you.

Sabrina: Oh yeah? I love the ring, but, hey, I'd love to hear you say how many other fiancés you've dumped along the way!

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 7: Spellmanian Slip

Musical Song Rhymes Ex Fiance Love Fight Jealousy Relationships

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Sabrina: Josh got a job offer in Prague, and he's actually gonna take it.

Morgan: Oh, I'm sorry, Sabrina. If it's any consolation, some of my best relationships have been long-distance. No petty fights, and you save a fortune on waxing.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 6: Sabrina's Date with Destiny

Relationships Long Distance Consolation Friendship Advice

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Libby: Well, I’ll be using me as shorthand for us. I’ve already got the floral design in my head.

Sabrina: Oh, well I’m glad your butt is working. Oh, I’ll be using butt as shorthand for your head.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 2: Five Easy Pieces of Libby

Insult bullying Sassy enemies Shorthand butt joke

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Sabrina: Hey, guys, what's going on?

Morgan: We're clearing out of here. Grab all you can carry.

Roxie: It turns out it wasn't you. The whole house is possessed.

Miles: And unlike scantily-dressed teenagers in slasher movies, we know when to leave.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Sabrina's Got Spirit

Supernatural Possessed Horror scary Movies spirits joke

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Morgan: Sabrina, what is my ex-boyfriend doing here?

Sabrina: Uh, he's my friend. And, besides, you said it was okay.

Morgan: I must have been tweezing or waxing at the time. You know you can't talk to me then!

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Sabrina's Got Spirit

awkward Self-Care waxing Womanhood party breakup

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Miles: We may only have a few seconds together before the next bell. I need you to sum up your entire being in four words. Go!

Cute Girl: Not interested in you.

Miles: Four words on the dot.

— Miles Goodman (Trevor Lissauer), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Finally!

Dating Rejection Uninterested Single joke

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Sabrina: Hey, it worked! I pulled a rabbit out of a hat!

Rabbit: Hey, put me back, my wife Renée is about to give birth!

Sabrina: Oh, sorry!

Hilda: Relax, that happens a lot with rabbits.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: Bundt Friday

Magic witch rabbit joke Birth animal

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Zelda: What’s the matter?

Sabrina: I got an A+ in a really hard test and won a blue ribbon on my invention.

Zelda: ...Uh-huh. So, what’s the problem?

Sabrina: That! No one's excited!

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 3: And the Sabrina Goes To...

award Success Excitement Disappointment

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Shirley: I like her. I like her a lot. Even more than Brenda.

Sabrina: Thank you. Who’s Brenda?

Aaron: Oh, no one. No one important.

Shirley: His last fiancé.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 7: Spellmanian Slip

Love Relationships Fiance Secrets Lies Pointed

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Sabrina: Salem, any thoughts on what I should go as for Halloween?

Salem: Hmm. Off the top of my head, fashion victim?

Sabrina: The only thing lamer than that joke are my plans for Halloween.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 6: Murder on the Halloween Express

joke Sassy lame Insult Halloween Holidays costume

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Morgan: Yeah, you don't find many full-faceted diamonds with a VVS of two.

Hilda: Sounds like you know your jewelry.

Morgan: Let's put it this way. Not only did I have breakfast at Tiffany's, I stayed for lunch and dinner.

— Hilda Spellman (Caroline Rhea), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 6: Hex, Lies & No Videotape

Breakfast At Tiffany's Pop Culture jewelry rich Diamonds joke Expert

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I found the Fountain of Youth! It's the toilet!

— Salem Saberhagen (voice) (Nick Bakay), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 2: Oh What a Tangled Spell She Weaves

Fountain of Youth Fantasy Supernatural joke Toilet dirty Magic

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Quizmaster: No, I’m here to inform you that you can expect a very big Witch Exam sometime soon.

Sabrina: It doesn’t involve changing the earth’s orbit, does it? Because the last time I tried that, a little thing called El Nino happened.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 2: Disneyworld

History El Nino witch School Quiz Science

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Dr. Brickman: Hello, I’m Dr. Brickman.
Sabrina: Let me guess, he has cold hands?

Zelda: Don’t worry, he performed his first operation at two.

Dr. Brickman: I even supervised my own birth — I’m a complete professional.

— Zelda Spellman (Beth Broderick), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 2: Finger Lickin' Flu

doctor Professional Savant witch joke Magic

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Sabrina: Tomorrow at work I'm gonna have to do more damage control than Mariah Carey's publicist.

Morgan: Why? What's going on?

Sabrina: Well, here's the thing. I... said something to my coworkers, and now they think I'm all 'Girl, Interrupted.'

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 7: Call Me Crazy

Mariah Carey Girl Interrupted Pop Culture Damage Control Work Coworkers

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Sabrina: Libby caught me coming out of Science Club.

Zelda: You went to Science Club? Oh, that’s wonderful!

Sabrina: No, it’s not! Now Libby thinks I’m a complete geek!

Hilda: I knew this would happen; it’s Zelda’s influence. I begged you to watch TV with me so you’d be normal.

— Hilda Spellman (Caroline Rhea), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: Geek Like Me

joke geek Science School Loser

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Sabrina: Why didn't you guys tell me that there's a rule that on Friday the 13th I can tell a mortal I'm a witch?

Hilda: Oh the one where you can tell anyone you want and they can know for a whole twenty-four hours?

Sabrina: Yes.

Zelda: We didn't want you to know.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 2: To Tell a Mortal

Lie witch Sassy friday the 13th mortal

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Salem: FREEZE! Don’t squirt that perfume, unless you want to be a boy who gets beaten up!

Sabrina: Man, that was close!

Salem: It’s not enough to look like a dude, you have to start thinking like a dude. Have you picked a name yet?

Sabrina: Kirby?

Salem: We’re back to getting beaten up here...

— Salem Saberhagen (voice) (Nick Bakay), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 2: Sabrina, the Teenage Boy

manhood Boy Gender Swap Magic toxic masculinity

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Roxie: This is journalism, you write the truth and let the chips fall where they may.

Sabrina: But what if the chips destroy somebody?

Roxie: I think I'm beginning to understand who Sabrina Spellman is. You can't handle the truth!

Sabrina: I can handle the truth. I just can't handle the guilt.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: House of Pi's

Journalism Truth Guilt Philosophical Moral Dilemma

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Roxie: Hey, what's that for?

Sabrina: Josh and I are throwing a singles party at the coffeehouse. I'm sure you think it's stupid.

Roxie: I haven't been on a date in five months. I can live with stupid.

Sabrina: Well, there's no motivation like desperation.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Finally!

Dating Single Desperate motivation Relationships party

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Roxie: Miles, tell her that Valentine's Day is nothing more than a bogus holiday engineered by the greeting card industry.

Miles: In cahoots with the flower companies and candy manufacturers. I have a hunch the Trilateral Commission is also involved.

Sabrina: That's so cute, I never realized how much you two have in common.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Love Is A Many Complicated Thing

Love valentine's day Capitalism Holidays Scam

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Hippie Driver: Did that cat just talk? Or am I picking up his thoughts telepathically?

Salem: You're right. You can read my mind. And now you're sensing my great need to stop in Philadelphia for a cheese-steak.

Hippie Driver: I’m communicating with animals! This is so radical.

Salem: Just drive, Woodstock boy.

— Salem Saberhagen (voice) (Nick Bakay), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 2: Inna-Gadda-Sabrina

joke cats Magic woodstock Telepathy

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Sabrina: Okay, you go and distract Roxie.

Morgan: Okay. How?

Sabrina: Haven't you ever distracted anyone before?

Morgan: Well, yeah, but I don't think Roxie's gonna fall for the 'Oops, my strap broke!' trick.

Sabrina: It's worth a shot.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 7: It's a Hot, Hot, Hot, Hot Christmas

joke Distraction flirty Scheme Irreverent

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Pete: Hey, hi, I'm... I'm Pete, from your English Lit class. I was wondering if you'd, uh... you'd like to, um...

Roxie: ...grade your pickup line? D minus.

Sabrina: That wasn't a pickup line.

Pete: Oh, actually, it was. You, uh, wanna go to a movie Saturday night?

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Heart of the Matter

Dating awkward Pick Up Lines Rude

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Salem: That's awful. I hate prejudice. Do you know how many women have rejected me just because I have four legs and a tail? It's wrong, I tell ya! Why don't they care about what's inside?

Sabrina: Salem, what's on the inside of you, is a selfish, misogynistic pig.

Salem: Hey, pigs are people too!

— Salem Saberhagen (voice) (Nick Bakay), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Some of My Best Friends are Half-Mortals

Cat animal Pig Dating misogynist Selfish Rejection Prejudice

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Libby: Come on Harvey, let’s hit the floor.

Harvey: Actually, Libby, I don’t dance.

Libby: Excuse me? This is a dance, guess what we do here?

Harvey: Well you see for me, dance is sort of a metaphor.

Libby: For what?

Harvey: I don’t know, something else?

— Harvey Kinkle (Nate Richert), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: Dream Date

dance Date Metaphor joke dumb

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Miles: Why should I pay $5 to get rejected when I do it so well for free?

Sabrina: Well, for every girl who says no, you're that much closer to the one that will say yes. Dating is a numbers game!

Miles: So, getting rejected by twenty girls in one night is a good thing?

Sabrina: Yeah, for only five bucks, it's a bargain!

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Finally!

Dating Rejection Love Relationships joke Free Flirting

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Harvey: You know, the only reason I took Home Ec. was so I could eat during class; Coach says I’ve still got to bulk up, and carbo-loading can get pretty lonely...

Sabrina: Well, we’ll keep you company any time you have to eat.

Jenny: Yeah, we’re good at that.

Harvey: Hey, I’m going to the pizza place tomorrow night to force down eight slices, do you guys wanna watch?

— Harvey Kinkle (Nate Richert), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: Bundt Friday

Sports Home Ec School food Pizza Loneliness Frinedship

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Sabrina: I’ve found all kinds of great stuff! It’s, uh, not brand name, but I’m sure it tastes fine.

Harvey: ‘Schnickers’? ‘N&N’s’? ‘Butterthumb’? Where do these people shop?

Sabrina: I don’t know, but if you're thirsty, there’s ‘Popsi’.

Harvey: Do they have ‘Yoo-hoo’?

Sabrina: No, but they have ‘Hey, Over Here’.

Harvey: I think I’ll just have a diet Popsi.

— Renee Phillips and Carrie Honigblum, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: The True Adventures of Rudy Kazootie

candy Products joke Offbrand

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Sabrina: So, what did you wanna tell me that couldn’t wait till twelve thirty-seven?

Harvey: Something I should have said a long time ago: I think we should go steady.

Sabrina: Steady? I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.

Harvey: And I want to give you something so we’ll never forget this moment.

Sabrina: A bracelet! It’s beautiful.

Harvey: Read the inscription.

Sabrina: 'Harvey digs Sabrina!'

Harvey: Look on the back.

Sabrina: Twelve thirty-six?

Harvey: That’s what time it was when we first spoke in the cafeteria on your first day at school.

— Harvey Kinkle (Nate Richert), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: As Westbridge Turns

Love Romantic joke Relationships Steady nostalgic Adorable

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James: All right, let's see, you've been expelled from twelve different schools, you forced fourteen teachers into early retirement, one into a straitjacket. On the other hand, you were the top seller in the Other Realm High magazine drive.

Sabrina: That's what I love about Amanda, she's a real go-getter.

James: It says here you never turned in the money.

Amanda: That's because I spent it on a mountain bike. No, wait, I stole the bike, and spent the money on a Kate Spade bag.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Witchright Hall

Go-Getter Ambition criminal Thief Bad Apple Underachiever

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Mounty: Before I let you go, I have to ask you a few questions about the Mortal Realm to prove you live there — standard procedure.

Zelda: Fire away! I DO have three P.h.D's!

Mounty: What are the names of the Hanson brothers?

Zelda: Who?

Hilda: Isaac, Zachary and Taylor.

Mounty: What actor from Marcus Wellby just married Barbara Streisand?

Zelda: Ooh, ooh... Robert Young!

Hilda: James Brolin.

Mounty: Sports. Who's the best —

Hilda: Michael Jordan!

Mounty: Correct, you can go!

— Hilda Spellman (Caroline Rhea), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 3: Pancake Madness

Pop Culture Michael Jordan Barbara Streisand Celebrities joke

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Sabrina: Hey, Roxie, what's your family doing for Christmas?

Roxie: The usual. We put up an aluminum tree, get take-out from Taco Bell, and then I watch my Dad and step-mom exchange cartons of Winston Lights.

Morgan: Your family exchanges cigarettes?

Roxie: Hey, it's just not Christmas without a visit from Jolly old St. Nicotine!

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Sabrina's Perfect Christmas

Holidays Christmas present Pun Taco Bell Family

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Zelda: Thank goodness she left. Now we can talk about the first millisecond after the Big Bang. See I think-

Ethan: (interrupting her) LOVE ME!

Zelda: What?!

Ethan: I’m sorry. It’s just that we finally get rid of your weird sister, and all you can talk about is the Big Bang?! I came here tonight hoping for more than science - I wanted you to look into my eyes and see something other than rods and cones! I love you, Zelda. Don’t you realize that?

Zelda: You never said anything!

Ethan: I’ve been playing footsie with you all night!

Zelda: That was you?! I thought it was the cat!

— Zelda Spellman (Beth Broderick), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: Magic Joel

Love Confession The Big Bang Science Cat Footsie joke

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Zelda: I wanted to discuss this rationally but you’re making it hard.

Mr. Rothwell: Hey, she failed the test — what do you want me to do about it?

Zelda: But the circumstances were unfair!

Mr. Rothwell: Look, if it makes you feel better, you can blame this on me. But I think we both know these problems start at home.

Zelda: What problems?

Mr. Rothwell: Hey, if the kid can’t master the quadratic equation, that says to me: dysfunctional family.

— Zelda Spellman (Beth Broderick), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: Trial by Fury

School Family Dysfunctional Math

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Salem: I’m so happy, I could plotz!

Sabrina: Not on the kitchen table.

Salem: You can say goodbye to this furry little punim!

Hilda: Salem, what’s with all the Yiddish? Are you going into show business?

Salem: I’m online with a camel in Jerusalem who used to be an Amway salesman.

Zelda: Why did the Witches' Council turn him into a camel?

Salem: He used to be an Amway salesman.

— Salem Saberhagen (voice) (Nick Bakay), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 3: Boy Was My Face Red

joke Amway Pyramid Schemes Yiddish Camel animal Sassy

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Zelda: Mother's maiden name?

Sabrina: Becker.

Hilda: Favorite dessert that doesn't involve chocolate?

Sabrina: There isn't one. How long is this going to go on?

Zelda: Until we make absolutely sure you're the real Sabrina.

Hilda: Say "Woo hoo".

Sabrina: Woo hoo.

Salem: Imposter! J'accuse!

Sabrina: Back off furball, or I'm gonna tell Aunt Zelda about the time I caught you in her lingerie drawer trying on her lacy red—

Salem: It's Sabrina!

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: You Can't Twin

Questions french Imposter Threat joke

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Sabrina: Wait a second, how can being sentenced to teaching high school be sufficient punishment?

Zelda: Because it’s the worst thing Mr. Rothwell can imagine.

Sabrina: But now kids are going to be stuck with him, year after year!

Zelda: Well, whether he means to or not, he teaches a valuable lesson.

Sabrina: Some people are just jerks?

Hilda: Yes, but if you study hard and you don’t let him get to you, you will pass algebra and then you can forget it. But he’s trapped in math forever.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: Trial by Fury

School punishment Jerk Life Lesson

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Sabrina: Hi, I’d like to take half a minute to talk to you about the true meaning of Halloween. It’s not about candy and costumes, it’s about family and showing them how much you care. So, don’t buy into the hype and commercialization of the season. This Halloween, stay home with your loved ones. Just gather round the Jack-O-Lantern and remember: the true meaning of Halloween is inside you. Right Salem?

Salem: There’s a pound of candy corn inside me.

Sabrina: Ignore him. Happy Halloween.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: A Halloween Story

Halloween Holidays Family Love candy costumes

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Sabrina: Are you kidding? I’d love to meet the Violent Femmes! When? Where?

Harvey: Well, they’ll be signing CD’s at Music City in Boston tonight at midnight.

Sabrina: Midnight! That’s perfect. I have no conflicting plans. But I still have to ask my aunts.

Harvey: Just tell them what I told my parents. It’s an astrology field trip.

Sabrina: Don’t you mean astronomy?

Harvey: Wow, they’re paying even less attention than I thought...

— Harvey Kinkle (Nate Richert), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: Hilda and Zelda: the Teenage Years

The Violent Femmes Music Astrology Astronomy joke Family Parents

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Valerie: 'S,' because she’s so sublime,
'A,' because she’s awesome all the time!

Harvey: 'B,' because she’s the best babe in school, 'R,' because she really makes me drool!

Mr. Kraft: And 'I' is for the icon she’s become, 'N' is ‘cause she’s great, she makes me numb!

All: And 'A,' it’s redundant to say, is the great mark she gets everyday! No matter how it’s spelled, Sabrina is unparalleled!

— Harvey Kinkle (Nate Richert), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 3: And the Sabrina Goes To...

Song poem Poetry Cheerleader Cheerleading Magic Congratulate Cheer

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Annie: That’s it? Nobody has a story idea?

James: Annie, it’s been kind of a slow week. I mean, no rappers got arrested, no movie stars were hospitalized for “exhaustion”...

Annie: Come on! A new trend, a new band, there must be a story we haven’t done?

Sabrina: Okay, last night on National Superstars — which I only watched because my roommates made me — they announced they’re gonna do their next show in Boston. I mean, maybe we could do a story on that?

Cole: That show is so lame.

James: Seriously, I cannot believe people watch that junk.

Cole: There’s no way Clay should have won, okay? Tania was so much better!

Leonard: Tania was hot! Rosie O’Donnell hot!

Annie: Okay, you all gotta get a life. Clay rocks.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 7: Ping, Ping A Song

Journalism Entertainment Reality TV Media awkward

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Hilda: So how was your date with Rick?

Zelda: Oh, not so good. I’m starting to feel really weird about the age difference. I mean, normally I don’t care about these things, but Rick keeps bringing up stuff that makes me feel old.

Hilda: Like what?

Zelda: Oh, he keeps talking about how he can’t wait for the turn of the century. Big deal, I’ve done that five times!

Hilda: Oh, and it’s always the same; I’ve partied like it was sixteen ninety-nine, seventeen ninety-nine, eighteen ninety-nine... this time, I’m staying home.

— Zelda Spellman (Beth Broderick), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 1: Sweet Charity

witch Magic Old Date Relationships Age Difference

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Roxie: Sabrina, it's okay. We know how awkward it is to go to a party where you don't know anybody.

Morgan: That's what we're here for. And don't worry, I won't wear my best stuff, so you'll still look pretty.

Sabrina: Sometimes I swear they are two of the most dense people I know.

Harvey: I wonder if we'll ever have a Canadian president?

Sabrina: Maybe there's a gas leak in this house.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 7: Witch Way Out

Dense joke ignorant party Friends Friendship

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Sabrina: Miles, what are you doing? I made us waffles and bacon and eggs.

Miles: Do you have any idea where bacon and eggs come from?

Sabrina: Pigs and chicken butts?

Miles: Government subsidized farms. They're fed chemicals and hormones. It's not natural. I'm sorry, Sabrina, but my body is my temple.

Sabrina: So you're filling it with sacred Sugar Bombs?

Miles: They turn the milk purple.

— Sabrina Spellman (Melissa Joan Hart), Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, Season 5: Double Time

Health Veganism joke satire Ironic

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Sabrina, the Teenage Witch Characters