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“Stan: My uncle Jimbo says that after this he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.

Kyle: Wow. That'd be cool.

Cartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Volcano
Tagged: Africa, Hunting, Black People, Stating the Obvious
“Jimbo: Okay, each of you young'uns take a gun, a beer, and some smokes.

Cartman: Hey! I didn't get a gun! [Jimbo gives a rifle to Cartman] Sweet. This is like the gun I used in 'Nam.

Stan: You weren't in Vietnam, Cartman!

Ned: Were you stationed in DA Nang?

Stan: Cartman always makes stuff up, Ned, you can't believe anything he says.

Cartman: Hey! I'll blow your frigging head off!

Jimbo: Hey, look out, son, that's dangerous! You're gonna spill your beer!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Volcano
Tagged: Guns, Beer, Cigarettes, Vietnam, Threats, danger
“Stan: That's impossible! Cartman wouldn't know a rainforest from a Pop-Tart!

Cartman: Yeah, I do! Pop-Tarts are frosted!”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Weight Gain 4000
Tagged: rainforest, Pop-Tarts
“Stan: Dude, Dolphins are intelligent and friendly.

Cartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Weight Gain 4000
Tagged: Dolphins, Carnivore
“Cartman: If dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos?

Stan: Dolphins don't live in igloos! That's Eskimos!

Cartman: Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? It's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Weight Gain 4000
Tagged: Dolphins, Eskimos, igloos
“Kyle: Whoa, Cartman. Talk about wide load.

Cartman: Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely.

Kyle: You're not filling out nicely, you're fatter than ever!

Cartman: I'm not fat! I'm getting in shape!

Kyle: Cartman, you're such a fat boy, that when you walk down the street, people go 'God damn it, that's a big fat ass!'

Cartman: No they don't, you jealous weakling!

Man: God damn, that's a big fat ass!

Cartman: Hey!!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Weight Gain 4000
Tagged: Weight Gain, fat ass, fat
“What better way to get a handle on your life than by taking some time to organize your base of operations and make it a more beautiful place you don’t want to escape?”
— Ephrat Livni, The most relaxing vacation you can take is going nowhere at all
Tagged: Vacations, Staycation
“Tough Guy: Get some today, and say with me—Beefcake!

Cartman: Beefcake.

Tough Guy: BEEFCAKE!!

Cartman: Beefcake!

Tough Guy/Cartman: BEEEFFCAAAAAKE!!!

Announcer: May cause irreversible damage to the kidneys and liver.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Weight Gain 4000
Tagged: beefcake, liver damage, kidney damage, male supplements
“If dolphins are so smart, why do they get caught in those fishing nets all the time?”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Weight Gain 4000
Tagged: Dolphins, Smart, fishing nets
“Follow your dreams, you can reach your goals, I'm living proof. Beefcake! Beefcake!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Weight Gain 4000
Tagged: Goals, Dreams, beefcake
“Stan: Thanks for your help, Wendy.

Wendy: Whatever, dude. I promise me you'll be here.

Stan: Hey, I didn't throw up.

Wendy: Cool! We're always be together.

[She's happy now. They both look at each other like they're going to kiss, and romantic music plays. Wendy puckers up. Stan gets queasy and vomits on her face]

Wendy: Eww!

Stan: Sorry.

Wendy: Hey, look, a French fry!

Stan: Cool!”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Vomit, Friendship, Love
“Kyle: [speaking to aliens] V-Visitors? This morning you took my brother, Ike. [sad, dramatic music begins playing] He's a little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away, but I've learned something today: That having a little brother is a pretty special thing. Aw, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have to give my brother back to me...it sure would make my life brighter again. [turns back to aliens]

Stan: That was beautiful, dude.

Kyle: Did it work?

Stan: No. They're leaving.

Kyle: Hey, you scrawny-eyed shit! What the fuck is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of fucking asshole to be able to ignore a crying child!

Stan: Whoa, dude!

Kyle: You know what you fuckers like?! You like to beep and beep and beep and beep and beep and beep!

Stan: Hey, Wendy, what's a fuck?”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: family members, Aliens, Loss, Fuck, fuckers, fucking asshole
“Okay, that does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?! I'm sick of it! It's completely immature! [Cartman simultaneously farts fire and a satellite dish comes out of his bottom]”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: ass jokes, Immature
“[after seeing a crop circle on the news that looks just like him]

Cartman: Hey, that kind of looks like...Tom Selleck.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Tom Selleck, Crop Circle
“Kyle: Well, it looks like she's not going to show up, Stan. Let's go look for the visitors, now.

Stan: But her note said she'd be here.

[Wendy appears out of nowhere]

Wendy: Hi, Stan. want to catch. [Stan sees Wendy, then throws up] Eww!

Kyle: You can't talk to Stan, Wendy. He throws up when you do.

Wendy: But why Stan?

[Stan tries to hold on, but he vomits instead]

Wendy: Eww!”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: stood up
“Kyle: [into Cartman's ear] Hey, if you visitors can hear me, bring me back my little brother, goddamn it!

Cartman: Ow, that hurt, you buttlicker!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Screaming, earache
“Kyle: Dude, I have to save Ike! I don't even know what to do!

Stan: Well, we can't do anything now; that fat bitch won't let us.

Ms. Crabtree: [shouts] WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Stan: I said, 'Rabbits eat lettuce.'

Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Fat-Shaming, Misheard
“Kyle: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!

Ike: Don't kick the baby!

Kyle: Kick the baby.

[kicks Ike across the street, knocking over a row of mailboxes]”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: baby kicking
“Ms. Crabtree: SHUT UP BACK THERE! ARRRGGGHHH!!!

Stan: Yeah, whatever, ya fat bitch.

Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Stan: I said, 'I have a bad itch.'

Ms. Crabtree: Oh.”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Fat-Shaming, fat bitch, shut up
“Chef: [gets out of his car] Hello there, children!

Boys: Hey, Chef!

Stan: What's going to be for lunch today, Chef?

Chef: Well, today, it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles, and a choice of green-bean casserole or vegetable medley.

Cartman: Kick ass.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Chef, Salisbury Steak, Kick Ass
“They make it look so easy, connecting with another human being, it’s like no one told them it’s the hardest thing in the world.”
— Dexter Morgan, Dexter, Season 5: The Big One
Tagged: Human Connections, Sad, Loneliness, Disconnected From Humanity, Loneliness
“I love Halloween. The one time of year when everyone wears a mask, not just me. People think it's fun to pretend you're a monster. Me, I spend my life pretending I'm not. Brother, friend, boyfriend: all part of my costume collection. Some people might call me a fraud. Let's see if it will fit. I prefer to think of myself as a master of disguise.”
— Dexter Morgan, Dexter, Season 1: Let's Give the Boy a Hand
Tagged: Master of Disguise, Halloween, costumes, dressing up, When The Real You Is Terrible
“At some point the word ‘strategy’ becomes a euphemism for procrastination.”
— Peter Theil, Conspiracy: Peter Thiel, Hulk Hogan, Gawker, and the Anatomy of Intrigue
Tagged: strategy, Gawker, Media
“Discretion is the responsibility of freedom.”
— Ryan Holiday, Conspiracy: Peter Thiel, Hulk Hogan, Gawker, and the Anatomy of Intrigue
Tagged: Freedom, trolling, Social Media
“We all make rules for ourselves. It's these rules that help define who we are. So when we break those rules we risk losing ourselves and becoming something unknown.”
— Dexter Morgan, Dexter, Season 7: Surprise, Motherfucker!
Tagged: Rules, What Keeps Our Life In Order, Identity
“Unpopular opinion but I hate it when people say ‘he's still your dad’ or ‘she's still your sister’ - just because someone is blood related mean you have to keep them in your life if they're toxic/abusive/manipulative. Surround yourself with chosen family that makes you happy.”
— Lauren, Choose Your Own Family
Tagged: Family, Toxic Relatives, Unpopular Opinion
“"We try to avoid the complexity, make it really easy. We get tremendous brand loyalty as a consequence of that.”
— Gary Kelly, With 5 Short Words, the CEO of Southwest Just Made an Announcement No Other Airline Will Even Try
Tagged: Airlines
“Ilana: I like sad men.

Sayid Jarrah: I'm sorry to hear that.”
— Sayid Jarrah, Lost, Season 5: He's Our You
Tagged: Sad Men, Sad, SASS
“The record is spinning again. We're just not on the song we wanna be on.”
— Daniel Faraday, Lost, Season 5: LaFleur
Tagged: Life, Metaphors, That's life
“Ilana: Nobody remembers you being on the plane.

John Locke: Well I don't remember being on it either.

Ilana: What do you remember?

John Locke: I remember dying.”
— John Locke, Lost, Season 5: The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham
Tagged: Dying, Death, Afterlife

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About The Authors

This page was created by our editorial team. Each page is manually curated, researched, collected, and issued by our staff writers. Quotes contained on this page have been double checked for their citations, their accuracy and the impact it will have on our readers.

Kelly Peacock is an accomplished poet and social media expert based in Brooklyn, New York. Kelly has a Bachelor's degree in creative writing from Farieligh Dickinson University and has contributed to many literary and cultural publications. Kelly assists on a wide variety of quote inputting and social media functions for Quote Catalog. Visit her personal website here.

Kendra Syrdal is a writer, editor, partner, and senior publisher for The Thought & Expression Company. Over the last few years she has been personally responsible for writing, editing, and producing over 30+ million pageviews on Thought Catalog.