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Paul Wernick Quotes

Total quotes: 80
“It’s amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shit storm.”
— Columbus, Zombieland
Tagged: Horrendous, shit storm
“[speaks in Spanish] Donde esta la biblioteca? Which literally translates to 'I don't bargain, pumpkin-fucker'.”
— Wade Wilson / Deadpool / Juggernaut (voice), Deadpool 2
Tagged: spanish, biblioteca, fucker, pumpkin-fucker
“[To Cable] You're so dark. You sure you're not from the DC Universe?”
— Wade Wilson / Deadpool / Juggernaut (voice), Deadpool 2
Tagged: DC Comics, dark
“I use a device to slide through time. The longer I travel, the harder it is to control. I got two charges: One to get me here, one to get me home.”
— Nathan Summers / Cable, Deadpool 2
Tagged: time travel, battery charge
“[chasing a crippled henchman on a zamboni] That's right! You're about to be killed by a zamboni! [beat] Tell me where your fucking boss is or you're going to die! In five minutes!”
— Deadpool, Deadpool
Tagged: zamboni, Fucking, Threats
“I didn't just get the cure to el cancer, I got the cure to el everything.”
— Deadpool, Deadpool
Tagged: Cancer Cure
“Tallahassee: Wow, these fellas really let themselves go.

Columbus: And they’re so fat.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: slovenly, fat, Redundant
“From trailer, playing with action figures] Zip it, Cable! I got the stones to help you! [Teabags Cable's action figure with Deadpool's action figure]”
— Wade Wilson / Deadpool / Juggernaut (voice), Deadpool 2
Tagged: zip it, action figures, teabagging
“Berkeley: We’re working on a theory that the administrant has already decided to go to war and is now focused on how to address the fight.

Tallahassee: It’s not a theory.”
— Berkeley, Zombieland: Double Tap
Tagged: Wag the Dog
“From the studio that inexplicably sewed his fucking mouth shut the first time comes five-time Academy Award viewer, Ryan Reynolds in an eHarmony date with destiny. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... me! Deadpool.”
— Deadpool, Deadpool
Tagged: Self-Referential, Fucking, Academy Awards, eHarmony
“Deadpool: [as Angel Dust walk towards them] Finish fucking her the fuck up.

Colossus: Language, please.

Deadpool: Suck a cock.”
— Deadpool, Deadpool
Tagged: fucked up, Cock, Suck a Cock
“I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it. [Lies down in bed beside Vanessa] They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent.”
— Wade Wilson / Deadpool, Deadpool
Tagged: liam neeson, Nightmare, Kidnapping
“[turning to Columbus, Wichita, and Little Rock after a zombie kill] What do you think? ‘Zombie Kill of the Week’?”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Zombie Kill
“Little Rock: Who’s Bill Murray?

Tallahassee: I’ve never hit a kid before. I mean, that’s like asking who Gandhi is.

Little Rock: Who’s Gandhi?”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Gandhi, Child Abuse, Bill Murray
“[From trailer] [looks at Cable's incomplete intro] What in the actual ass? Steel! Why...why are the visual effects not done? It's a metal arm! It's not like we're trying to remove a mustache!”
— Wade Wilson / Deadpool / Juggernaut (voice), Deadpool 2
Tagged: mustache, Steel, Metal, visual effects
“Here's a spoiler alert. You're not a fucking hero. You're just an annoying clown dressed up as a sex toy.”
— Nathan Summers / Cable, Deadpool 2
Tagged: fucking hero, Annoying, sex toy, Clown
“Whatever they did to me made me totally indestructible...and completely unfuckable.”
— Deadpool, Deadpool
Tagged: Indestructible, Unfuckable
“Tallahassee: I’m not great at farewells, so, uh, that’ll do, pig.

Columbus: That’s the worst goodbye I’ve ever heard, and you stole it from a movie.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: goodbye, Pig, Plagiarism
“[Searching for Twinkies] Where are you, you spongy, yellow, delicious bastards?”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Twinkie, Spongy, yellow, Delicious, Bastards
“[Upon finding a Hummer filled with rifles] Thank God for rednecks.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Rednecks
“[after his neighbor changes into a zombie] You see? You just can’t trust anyone. The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me.”
— Columbus, Zombieland
Tagged: Trust, Cannibalism
“You are like a giant cock-blocking robot, like, developed in a secret fucking government lab.”
— Columbus, Zombieland
Tagged: cock-blocking, Robot, Fucking
“Wichita: You have just survived the zombie apocalypse and drove halfway across the country...where are you gonna go?

Little Rock: [sticks arms up in air] I’m going to Pacific Playland! Woo!”
— Wichita (Krista), Zombieland
Tagged: zombie apocalypse, pacific playland
“Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.”
— Deadpool, Deadpool
Tagged: Limp Bizkit, 90s music
“Crime's the disease, meet the cure. Okay, not the cure, but more like a topical ointment to reduce the swelling and itch. Hi, Tom!”
— Deadpool, Deadpool
Tagged: disease, cure, Ointment
“Little Rock: No Twinkies.

Tallahassee: Shit! fuck!

Wichita: See, I told you we should have gone to Russell Crowe’s! No one listens to me.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Twinkies, Shit, Fuck, Russell Crowe
“[to Columbus] You’re thinking about fucking Wichita! [ignores Columbus’s taken-aback ‘no’ gesture] Hey, wish granted. She’s spent the last twenty-four hours fucking us both.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Fucking, wishes
“[Columbus kisses Wichita] Finally got to first base. Not bad for that scrawny little spit-fuck.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: first base, spit fuck, scrawny
“[to Columbus] You can do anything you want to a man, but do not fuck with his Cadillac.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Fuck, Cadillac
“Columbus: Are you one of these guys that tries to one-up everybody else’s story?

Tallahassee: No. I knew a guy way worse at that than me.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: one-upmanship
“Wichita: Yeah. I mean you got the guts of a guppy, but I could hit that.

Columbus: Really?

Wichita: Or at least give you the intentional walk to first.”
— Wichita (Krista), Zombieland
Tagged: Guts, puppy, baseball metaphors
“The first rule of Zombieland: cardio. When the zombie outbreak first hit, the first to go, for obvious reasons...were the fatties.”
— Columbus, Zombieland
Tagged: cardio, Fat-Shaming
“[after listening to Cable's monologue] Well, [he looks at the viewer] that's just lazy writing.”
— Wade Wilson / Deadpool / Juggernaut (voice), Deadpool 2
Tagged: Monologue, lazy writing
“[while going around the X-Mansion using Professor X's wheelchair] All these elderly white men on the walls. Should have brought my rape whistle.”
— Wade Wilson / Deadpool / Juggernaut (voice), Deadpool 2
Tagged: Ageism, Anti-White, Anti-Male, rape whistle
“Columbus: Take away a man’s son, you’ve truly given him nothing left to lose.

Tallahassee: I haven’t cried like that since Titanic.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Loss of a Child, Titanic
“Here’s the deal: I’m not easy to get along with, and I’m sensing you’re a bit of a bitch.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Bitch, difficult
“So until next time, remember: cardio, seatbelts, and this really has nothing to do with anything, but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody. I’m Columbus, Ohio from Zombieland, saying goodnight.”
— Columbus, Zombieland
Tagged: cardio, seatbealts
“Columbus: [in voiceover] You see, he was in the ass-kicking business and...

Tallahassee: [Tallahassee, in flashback, rounds corner holding two chainsaws and wearing a welding mask, flips mask up] ...business is good.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Ass-Kicking, Business
“Hey, a little help with movin’ the couch. We’re makin’ a fort.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: couch, Fort
“Time to nut up or shut up.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: nut up, shut up
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