Jason Alexander Quotes

Total quotes (186)

Jason Alexander

Jason Alexander

Birthname

AKA Jay Alexander

Birthday September 23, 1959

Birthplace Newark, New Jersey, United States

Educated At Boston University, Boston University College Of Fine Arts

Nationality United States Of America

Occupations Television Actor, Film Actor, Stage Magician, Singer, Stage Actor

Characters Portrayed

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Total quotes (186)

George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?

Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge

condoms Abstinence

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Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Cafe

Nice Bad Sick Society

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George: She’s got a little Marisa Tomei thing goin’ on.

Jerry: Ah, too bad you’ve got a little George Costanza thing goin’ on.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Chicken Roaster

Marisa Tomei Unmatched Partners

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I love a good nap. Sometimes it's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Nap

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George: She calls me up at my office. She says, ‘We have to talk.’

Jerry: Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.

George: That or ‘Whose bra is this?’

Jerry: That’s worse.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 1: The Chronicles

We Have To Talk English Language

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There is no bigger loser than me!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Strike

Biggest Loser Self-deprecation

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Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but...I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat…it's all been wrong.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Opposite

Instincts Failure Despair

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Cushman: I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we’ve seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There’s someone here I’d like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants.

George Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.

George: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughingstock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.

George Steinbrenner: Hire this man!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Hamptons

Massive Ego New York Yankees George Steinbrenner Opposite

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Russell Dalrymple: So, what have you guys come up with?

Jerry: Well, we thought about this in a variety of ways, but the basic idea is I would play myself…

George: May I…?

Jerry: Go ahead.

George: I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: nothing.

Russell Dalrymple: Nothing?

George: Nothing!

Russell Dalrymple: What does that mean?

George: The show is about nothing!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pitch

Nothing Minimalism

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I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Old Man

Sexual Harassment Fantasies

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I've never assisted in a birth before. It’s really quite disgusting.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Suicide

Childbirth Gross disgusting

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Well, I just stomped some pigeons in the park. They—they didn't move.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Merv Griffin Show

Pigeons Animal Abuse

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You've got ‘shiksappeal.’ Jewish men love the idea of meeting a woman that's not like their mother.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Serenity Now

Shiksas Jewish Men Attraction Jewish Mothers

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Listen to the comeback. ‘Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you.’

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Comeback

Comebacks Zingers Sick Burns

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Frolf: Frisbee golf, Jerry. Golf with a Frisbee. This is gonna be my time. Time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin. I proclaim this: The Summer of George!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Summer of George

Frolf Frisbee Golf Frisbee Golf Summer Summer of George

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You don't understand. A garage. I can't even pull in there. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Parking Space

Parking prostitution Cheapness

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Because I snubbed her. You see? Women, they like that! Yes! I understand women. The snub is good, they love the snub.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Shoes

Snubbing Aloofness Attraction Women

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Y’know, there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Outing

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Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to give up.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Old Man

Quitting quitters Heredity

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You're luscious. You're ravishing. I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra. I’m terribly sorry.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 6: The Secretary

Attraction Irony Job Interviews

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Articulate—me? I've never articulated anything, I'm completely incoherent.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Wait Out

Articulate Incoherent Self-Deprecating

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She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice, but women don't like nice….Why is nice bad? What kind of sick society we are living in, when nice is bad?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Cafe

nice guys Men Women Dating Attraction Society

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God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pilot (Part 1)

Success Fate God

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Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee…never went 'Ha!'

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Puffy Shirt

mothers Humorless

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Lunch is fine at the beginning, then you move on to dinner. You don't move back to lunch. It's like being demoted.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Pez Dispenser

Dating Lunch Dinner

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