Jason Alexander Quotes

Total quotes (185)

Jason Alexander

Jason Alexander

Birthname

AKA Jay Alexander

Birthday September 23, 1959

Birthplace Newark, New Jersey, United States

Educated At Boston University, Boston University College Of Fine Arts

Nationality United States Of America

Occupations Television Actor, Film Actor, Stage Magician, Singer, Stage Actor

Characters Portrayed

George Costanza

Total quotes (185)

Wow. I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Stand-In

Nudity Sexual Assault

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I love a good nap. Sometimes it's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Nap

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I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think, ‘That’s why I’m not a heterosexual.’

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Subway

Heterosexual Lesbian

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If you can’t say something bad about a relationship you shouldn’t say anything at all.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Stand-In

Relationships Bad If You Can't Say Something Nice...

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George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?

Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge

condoms Abstinence

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Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Cafe

Nice Bad Sick Society

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Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. ‘Course I am the result of my parents having stayed together, so ya never know.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Shoes

Divorce Dysfunctional Marriage

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George: She’s got a little Marisa Tomei thing goin’ on.

Jerry: Ah, too bad you’ve got a little George Costanza thing goin’ on.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Chicken Roaster

Marisa Tomei Unmatched Partners

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Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Puffy Shirt

Borrowing Money Sex Relationship

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This woman hates me so much, I’m starting to like her.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Masseuse

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George: She calls me up at my office. She says, ‘We have to talk.’

Jerry: Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.

George: That or ‘Whose bra is this?’

Jerry: That’s worse.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 1: The Chronicles

We Have To Talk English Language

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There is no bigger loser than me!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Strike

Biggest Loser Self-deprecation

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Cushman: I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we’ve seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There’s someone here I’d like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants.

George Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.

George: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughingstock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.

George Steinbrenner: Hire this man!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Hamptons

Massive Ego New York Yankees George Steinbrenner Opposite

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Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but...I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat…it's all been wrong.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Opposite

Instincts Failure Despair

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Russell Dalrymple: So, what have you guys come up with?

Jerry: Well, we thought about this in a variety of ways, but the basic idea is I would play myself…

George: May I…?

Jerry: Go ahead.

George: I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: nothing.

Russell Dalrymple: Nothing?

George: Nothing!

Russell Dalrymple: What does that mean?

George: The show is about nothing!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pitch

Nothing Minimalism

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I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Old Man

Sexual Harassment Fantasies

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I've never assisted in a birth before. It’s really quite disgusting.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Suicide

Childbirth Gross disgusting

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Well, I just stomped some pigeons in the park. They—they didn't move.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Merv Griffin Show

Pigeons Animal Abuse

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I think if one's going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note—it's common courtesy. I don't know, that's just the way I was brought up.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 2: The Phone Message

Suicide Suicide Notes Courtesy Irony

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Someday, before I die, mark my words—I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 2: The Baby Shower

Revenge forgiveness

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Why does everything have to be 'us'? Is there no 'me' left? Why can't there be some things just for me? Is that so selfish?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Secret Code

Individuality Codependency Solitude selfishness Relationships

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You know, uh, she has no female friends! You know that, don'tcha? Something strange about a woman whose friends are all men.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Pool Guy

One of the Boys Women with no Female Friends "I Hate Other Women"

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What am I scared of? I'm scared of the same thing that you are, everything.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Trip (Part 2)

Fear Paranoia Anxiety

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Y’know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now. It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car

Lesbianism Attraction Breakups

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It's like a magic trick. Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Mango

Impotence erectile dysfunction

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You're giving me the ‘it's not you, it's me’ routine? I invented ‘it's not you, it's me.’ Nobody tells me it's them not me; if it's anybody, it's me.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Lip Reader

Breakups It's Not You It's Me

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If you can't say anything bad about a relationship, you shouldn't say anything at all.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Stand-In

Relationships Negativity

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You know what I've come to realize? I'm not just bored. I genuinely dislike her.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Stand-In

Disdain contempt Boredom Dating

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They're worse! They're much worse than us, they talk about everything! Couldn't you at least tell her about the shrinkage factor?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Hamptons

Shrinkage Women Gossip

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Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 6: The Switch

Thankfulness Gratitude Dementia

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I've tried it straight, Jerry. We've all seen the results. For me, sick is the only way to go.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Little Jerry

Ex-Cons Dysfunctional Relationships Dating

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You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Cafe

Disappointment Secrets Parents Ventriloquism

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A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. We either break up, which she would do anyway, but at least I go out with some dignity. Completely turn the tables. It's absolutely brilliant.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Pez Dispenser

Breakups Preemptive Breakups Dating Upper Hand

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You know, they always remember the first time. I don't want to be remembered. I wanna be forgotten.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Virgin

Virginity first time Being Forgotten

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Divorce is very difficult. Especially on a kid. Of course, I'm the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Shoes

Divorce Children Marriage

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Hey believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Raincoats (Part 1)

Baldness trends Aliens

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I'd rather be dating the blind. You know you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good-looking blind woman doesn't even know you're not good enough for her.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Wink

Dating blind dates Blind People Sloppiness Deaf People

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This thing is like an onion. The more layers you peel, the more it stinks.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Soul Mate

Conspiracy Onions

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All right. I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Millennium

Self-deprecation

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I left three messages. I can't believe this woman. She has sex with me, leaves ten minutes later, then I never hear from her again. What kind of a person does this? I mean, she used me. I feel cheap and violated.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Fix-Up

Voicemail Ghosting Sex Violation

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Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee…never went 'Ha!'

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Puffy Shirt

mothers Humorless

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Articulate—me? I've never articulated anything, I'm completely incoherent.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Wait Out

Articulate Incoherent Self-Deprecating

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Listen to the comeback. ‘Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you.’

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Comeback

Comebacks Zingers Sick Burns

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Frolf: Frisbee golf, Jerry. Golf with a Frisbee. This is gonna be my time. Time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin. I proclaim this: The Summer of George!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Summer of George

Frolf Frisbee Golf Frisbee Golf Summer Summer of George

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Because I snubbed her. You see? Women, they like that! Yes! I understand women. The snub is good, they love the snub.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Shoes

Snubbing Aloofness Attraction Women

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Y’know, there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Outing

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Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to give up.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Old Man

Quitting quitters Heredity

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You're luscious. You're ravishing. I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra. I’m terribly sorry.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 6: The Secretary

Attraction Irony Job Interviews

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She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice, but women don't like nice….Why is nice bad? What kind of sick society we are living in, when nice is bad?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Cafe

nice guys Men Women Dating Attraction Society

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You don't understand. A garage. I can't even pull in there. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Parking Space

Parking prostitution Cheapness

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