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Jason Alexander Quotes

Total quotes (185)

Jason Alexander

Jason Alexander

Birthname

AKA Jay Alexander

Birthday September 23, 1959

Birthplace Newark, New Jersey, United States

Educated At Boston University, Boston University College Of Fine Arts

Nationality United States Of America

Occupations Television Actor, Film Actor, Stage Magician, Singer, Stage Actor

Characters Portrayed

George Costanza

Total quotes (185)

Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Cafe

Nice Bad Sick Society

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If you can’t say something bad about a relationship you shouldn’t say anything at all.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Stand-In

Relationships Bad If You Can't Say Something Nice...

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George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?

Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge

condoms Abstinence

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Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Puffy Shirt

Borrowing Money Sex Relationship

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I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think, ‘That’s why I’m not a heterosexual.’

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Subway

Heterosexual Lesbian

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I love a good nap. Sometimes it's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Nap

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Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. ‘Course I am the result of my parents having stayed together, so ya never know.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Shoes

Divorce Dysfunctional Marriage

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George: She’s got a little Marisa Tomei thing goin’ on.

Jerry: Ah, too bad you’ve got a little George Costanza thing goin’ on.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Chicken Roaster

Marisa Tomei Unmatched Partners

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George: She calls me up at my office. She says, ‘We have to talk.’

Jerry: Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.

George: That or ‘Whose bra is this?’

Jerry: That’s worse.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 1: The Chronicles

We Have To Talk English Language

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This woman hates me so much, I’m starting to like her.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Masseuse

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There is no bigger loser than me!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Strike

Biggest Loser Self-deprecation

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Russell Dalrymple: So, what have you guys come up with?

Jerry: Well, we thought about this in a variety of ways, but the basic idea is I would play myself…

George: May I…?

Jerry: Go ahead.

George: I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: nothing.

Russell Dalrymple: Nothing?

George: Nothing!

Russell Dalrymple: What does that mean?

George: The show is about nothing!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pitch

Nothing Minimalism

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Cushman: I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we’ve seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There’s someone here I’d like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants.

George Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.

George: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughingstock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.

George Steinbrenner: Hire this man!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Hamptons

Massive Ego New York Yankees George Steinbrenner Opposite

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Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but...I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat…it's all been wrong.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Opposite

Instincts Failure Despair

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I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Old Man

Sexual Harassment Fantasies

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Well, I just stomped some pigeons in the park. They—they didn't move.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Merv Griffin Show

Pigeons Animal Abuse

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I've never assisted in a birth before. It’s really quite disgusting.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Suicide

Childbirth Gross disgusting

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She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice, but women don't like nice….Why is nice bad? What kind of sick society we are living in, when nice is bad?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Cafe

nice guys Men Women Dating Attraction Society

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You don't understand. A garage. I can't even pull in there. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Parking Space

Parking prostitution Cheapness

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Listen to the comeback. ‘Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you.’

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Comeback

Comebacks Zingers Sick Burns

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Frolf: Frisbee golf, Jerry. Golf with a Frisbee. This is gonna be my time. Time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin. I proclaim this: The Summer of George!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Summer of George

Frolf Frisbee Golf Frisbee Golf Summer Summer of George

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You've got ‘shiksappeal.’ Jewish men love the idea of meeting a woman that's not like their mother.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Serenity Now

Shiksas Jewish Men Attraction Jewish Mothers

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Because I snubbed her. You see? Women, they like that! Yes! I understand women. The snub is good, they love the snub.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Shoes

Snubbing Aloofness Attraction Women

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Y’know, there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Outing

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Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to give up.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Old Man

Quitting quitters Heredity

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Ahh, what’s the point? When I like them, they don’t like me, when they like me I don’t like them. Why can’t I act with the ones I like the way I do with the ones I don’t like?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Old Man

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You're luscious. You're ravishing. I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra. I’m terribly sorry.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 6: The Secretary

Attraction Irony Job Interviews

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Articulate—me? I've never articulated anything, I'm completely incoherent.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Wait Out

Articulate Incoherent Self-Deprecating

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Lunch is fine at the beginning, then you move on to dinner. You don't move back to lunch. It's like being demoted.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Pez Dispenser

Dating Lunch Dinner

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Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee…never went 'Ha!'

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Puffy Shirt

mothers Humorless

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God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pilot (Part 1)

Success Fate God

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I left three messages. I can't believe this woman. She has sex with me, leaves ten minutes later, then I never hear from her again. What kind of a person does this? I mean, she used me. I feel cheap and violated.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Fix-Up

Voicemail Ghosting Sex Violation

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You're giving me the ‘it's not you, it's me’ routine? I invented ‘it's not you, it's me.’ Nobody tells me it's them not me; if it's anybody, it's me.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Lip Reader

Breakups It's Not You It's Me

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If you can't say anything bad about a relationship, you shouldn't say anything at all.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Stand-In

Relationships Negativity

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You know what I've come to realize? I'm not just bored. I genuinely dislike her.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Stand-In

Disdain contempt Boredom Dating

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Y’know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now. It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car

Lesbianism Attraction Breakups

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Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 6: The Switch

Thankfulness Gratitude Dementia

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What am I scared of? I'm scared of the same thing that you are, everything.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Trip (Part 2)

Fear Paranoia Anxiety

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It's like a magic trick. Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Mango

Impotence erectile dysfunction

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You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Cafe

Disappointment Secrets Parents Ventriloquism

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They're worse! They're much worse than us, they talk about everything! Couldn't you at least tell her about the shrinkage factor?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Hamptons

Shrinkage Women Gossip

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I've tried it straight, Jerry. We've all seen the results. For me, sick is the only way to go.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Little Jerry

Ex-Cons Dysfunctional Relationships Dating

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Well, we were engaged to be married, uh, we bought the wedding invitations, and, uh, yada yada yada, I'm still single.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada

Breakups Marriage Wedding Invitations Single Yada Yada

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A lesbian sighting. Oh-ho! My lucky day. They're so fascinating. Why is that? Because they don't want us. You gotta respect that.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car

Lesbians Respect Attraction Self-deprecation

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I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pilot (Part 1)

Death Death with Dignity dignity

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I'm calling for my test results. Negative? Oh, my God. WHY! WHY! WHY? What? What? Negative is good? Oh, yes of course! How stupid of me. Thank you.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pilot (Part 2)

Test Results positive Negative Irony

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Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Puffy Shirt

Borrowing Money Sex Friends and Sex

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You know, if it was a regular salad I wouldn't have said anything. But you had to have the BIG SALAD!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 6: The Big Salad

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I got rejected by a bald woman. A bald woman rejected me. Heh, you like that one? A woman with no prospects and no hair told me that I wasn't her type. Apparently, Baldie likes a slimmer guy.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 6: The Beard

Baldness Female Pattern Baldness Fat shaming Rejection

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You're not out there! You can't be, because I am out there. And if I see you out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 6: The Fusilli Jerry

Dating Out There Electroshock Therapy

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The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to return soup at a deli.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Marine Biologist

Anger Delis Ocean Soup Old Men

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I guarantee you that Moses was a picker. You wander through the desert for forty years with that dry air. You telling me you're not going to have occasion to clean house a little bit?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pick

Moses Nose-Picking Desert Bible

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I'm calling up the Rosses and inviting them up to my nonexistent place in the Hamptons. Then we'll see who blinks first.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Wizard

Bluffing Hamptons Brinksmanship

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I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real musicians who think they're so cool and hip.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Burning

Christian Rock Music Musicians Hipsters

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I mean, now she thinks that I'm one of these guys that love her. Nobody wants to be with somebody that loves them.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 6: The Face Painter

Love friendzone Aloofness

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I will never understand the bathrooms in this country. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Postponement

bathrooms Bathroom Doors inventions Privacy

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You see those tears streaming down, you don't know what to do. It was like she was on fire and I was trying to put her out.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Postponement

Breakups Crying Tantrums manipulation Guilt

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Why does everything have to be 'us'? Is there no 'me' left? Why can't there be some things just for me? Is that so selfish?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Secret Code

Individuality Codependency Solitude selfishness Relationships

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In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Andrea Doria

bald Obesity Stupid Tragedy Horror

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I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless, you don't care, and when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Fix-Up

Hope Indifference Attraction Hopelessness

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She missed her period? Oh my god. I can't believe it! I'm a father! I did it! My boys can swim! I can do it! I can do it!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Fix-Up

menstruation Sperm periods Fertility Pregnancy

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A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. We either break up, which she would do anyway, but at least I go out with some dignity. Completely turn the tables. It's absolutely brilliant.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Pez Dispenser

Breakups Preemptive Breakups Dating Upper Hand

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Hey believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Raincoats (Part 1)

Baldness trends Aliens

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Divorce is very difficult. Especially on a kid. Of course, I'm the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Shoes

Divorce Children Marriage

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You know, they always remember the first time. I don't want to be remembered. I wanna be forgotten.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Virgin

Virginity first time Being Forgotten

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All right. I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Millennium

Self-deprecation

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I'd rather be dating the blind. You know you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good-looking blind woman doesn't even know you're not good enough for her.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Wink

Dating blind dates Blind People Sloppiness Deaf People

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This thing is like an onion. The more layers you peel, the more it stinks.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Soul Mate

Conspiracy Onions

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I'm not stable? I'm like a rock. I take these glasses off, you can't tell the difference between me and a rock. I put these glasses on a rock. You know what jumps into most people's minds? Costanza.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pick

Stability Mental Illness

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I should've hit the little son-of-a-bitch. I can't stand kids. Adults think it's so wonderful how honest kids are. I don't need that kind of honesty. I'll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Parking Garage

kids Honesty Adulthood Deception

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Jerry, kill me, kill me now. I'm begging you. Let's just get it over with. Be a pal. Just take the pillow and put it over my face.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 2: The Heart Attack

Suicide Depression Self-Pity

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So we started drinking, and I'll tell you I don't know if it was the alcohol or the ammonia, but the next think I knew she was mopping the floor with me.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Red Dot

Sex Drunk Alcohol

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Um, excuse me, have you see a guy with like a horse face, big teeth, and, uh, and a pointed nose?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Movie

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Mothers say things. My mother goes babbling on and on like a crazy person.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Secret Code

mothers Crazy People Babbling passwords Bosco

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As much as I'd like to see the two of you living it up in a warm, tropical setting, I, I would just miss you too much. So I've decided I want you to stay.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Money

Parents Empty Nest Florida New York

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It's like, if one of ’em dies, the other one wants to bench-press the casket.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The English Patient

Machismo Bravado Weightlifting Death

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You know, uh, she has no female friends! You know that, don'tcha? Something strange about a woman whose friends are all men.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Pool Guy

One of the Boys Women with no Female Friends "I Hate Other Women"

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You know, I've been thinking. I cannot envision any circumstances in which I'll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How's it gonna happen? I just don't see how it could occur.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 2: The Pony Remark

Hopelessness Dating Despair Sex

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For me to ask a woman out I gotta get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 2: The Phone Message

Dating Anxiety Karate

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I have nothing to say to anybody. I'm so uninteresting. I think I'm out of conversation.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Dog

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Does anyone ever display the slightest sensitivity over the problems of a fellow individual? No. No. A resounding no!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 2: The Chinese Restaurant

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I should be in a place like this; I envy this woman. You get to wear slippers all day. Friends visit. They pity you. Pity is very underrated. I like it, it's good. Plus, they give you those word association tests. I love those.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander),

Psychiatric Hospitals Mental Illness Pity Envy

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You see, this is what I do with women. I start out too strong, now I have to become real, that's when it all falls apart. What good is real? They don't want real, they want funny.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 4: The Visa

Dating Self-Consciousness

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You know, I think I could have played with dolls if there were dolls in the house. It seems like fun to me. It doesn't seem like a gender thing. I think I would like to play with dolls. What's so terrible?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 6: The Big Salad

gender roles Dolls

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Yeah. Yeah. With all that kissing and the shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy out in public like that. It's disgusting.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Soup Nazi

Shmoopy PDA Public Displays of Affection Kissing

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You know what I would like to do? I would really like to have sex with a tall woman. I mean really tall. Like a like a giant Like six-five.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Boyfriend (Part 2)

Macrophilia Fetish Giantesses

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I don't like when a woman says, ‘Make love to me.’ It's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Stranded

Impotence Making Love Intimidation

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You're like a pathetic gambler. You're one of those losers in Las Vegas who keeps thinking he's gonna come up with a way to win at blackjack.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 2: The Deal

Gambling False Hope Las Vegas blackjack

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This is my one chance to make a great entrance! My whole life, I have never made a great entrance!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Susie

balls Entrances

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I like to feel cozy. I have a very small apartment. I like to feel tucked in, nestled in. Love to be nestled.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 5: The Barber

Cozy Claustrophobia

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Because I'm REFRESHED. I finally found a way to sleep in my office. Under the desk. I lie on my back. I tuck in the chair. I'm invisible.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Nap

Loafing Naps Office

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Come on! I know you're there, laughing at me. Laughing and lying and laughing.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Pool Guy

Laughing lying Paranoia

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Look at me! I was free and clear! I was living the dream! I was stripped to the waist, eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Foundation

Gluttony Freedom

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Yeah! That's how they talk. You know, everyone's either a bastard or a son of a bitch. Yeah, it's like, uh, ‘Boy, that son of a bitch Boggs can really hit, uh?!’

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Hot Tub

Son of a Bitch Bastard Wade Boggs Profanity Obscenity

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Someday, before I die, mark my words—I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 2: The Baby Shower

Revenge forgiveness

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I think if one's going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note—it's common courtesy. I don't know, that's just the way I was brought up.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 2: The Phone Message

Suicide Suicide Notes Courtesy Irony

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I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 2: The Apartment

Guilt Sex idiocy Madison Square Garden Respect

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Astroturf? You know who's responsible for that, don't you?! The Jews! Ah, the Jews hate grass. They always have, they always will.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander),

Astroturf Anti-Semitism

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I'm very uncomfortable. I have no power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand. Once in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand—no hand at all. She has the hand; I have no hand.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 3: The Pez Dispenser

Comfort Dominance Submission Relationships

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What is it about sex that just disrupts everything? Is it the touching? Is it the nudity?

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 2: The Deal

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