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Jason Alexander Quotes

Total quotes: 186
“George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?


Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge
Tagged: condoms, Abstinence
“Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Cafe
Tagged: Nice, Bad, Sick Society
“George: She’s got a little Marisa Tomei thing goin’ on.


Jerry: Ah, too bad you’ve got a little George Costanza thing goin’ on.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Chicken Roaster
Tagged: Marisa Tomei, Unmatched Partners
“I love a good nap. Sometimes it's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Nap
Tagged: Nap, Sleeping
“George: She calls me up at my office. She says, ‘We have to talk.’

Jerry: Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.

George: That or ‘Whose bra is this?’

Jerry: That’s worse.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 1: The Seinfeld Chronicles
Tagged: We Have To Talk, English Language
“There is no bigger loser than me!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Strike
Tagged: Biggest Loser, Self-deprecation
“Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but...I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat…it's all been wrong.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Opposite
Tagged: Instincts, Failure, Despair
“Cushman: I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we’ve seen. Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There’s someone here I’d like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He is one of the applicants.

George Steinbrenner: Nice to meet you.

George: Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years, you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of distress as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduced them to a laughingstock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.

George Steinbrenner: Hire this man!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Hamptons
Tagged: Massive Ego, New York Yankees, George Steinbrenner, Opposite
“Russell Dalrymple: So, what have you guys come up with?

Jerry: Well, we thought about this in a variety of ways, but the basic idea is I would play myself…

George: May I…?

Jerry: Go ahead.

George: I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: nothing.

Russell Dalrymple: Nothing?

George: Nothing!

Russell Dalrymple: What does that mean?

George: The show is about nothing!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pitch
Tagged: Nothing, Minimalism
“I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Old Man
Tagged: Sexual Harassment, Fantasies
“I've never assisted in a birth before. It’s really quite disgusting.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Suicide
Tagged: Childbirth, Gross, disgusting
“Well, I just stomped some pigeons in the park. They—they didn't move.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Merv Griffin Show
Tagged: Pigeons, Animal Abuse
“You've got ‘shiksappeal.’ Jewish men love the idea of meeting a woman that's not like their mother.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Serenity Now
Tagged: Shiksas, Jewish Men, Attraction, Jewish Mothers
“Listen to the comeback. ‘Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you.’”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Comeback
Tagged: Comebacks, Zingers, Sick Burns
“Frolf: Frisbee golf, Jerry. Golf with a Frisbee. This is gonna be my time. Time to taste the fruits and let the juices drip down my chin. I proclaim this: The Summer of George!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Summer of George
Tagged: Frolf, Frisbee Golf, Frisbee, Golf, Summer, Summer of George
“You don't understand. A garage. I can't even pull in there. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free?”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Parking Space
Tagged: Parking, prostitution, Cheapness
“Because I snubbed her. You see? Women, they like that! Yes! I understand women. The snub is good, they love the snub.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Shoes
Tagged: Snubbing, Aloofness, Attraction, Women
“Y’know, there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Outing
Tagged: Indonesia, War
“Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to give up.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Old Man
Tagged: Quitting, quitters, Heredity
“You're luscious. You're ravishing. I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra. I’m terribly sorry.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Secretary
Tagged: Attraction, Irony, Job Interviews
“Articulate—me? I've never articulated anything, I'm completely incoherent.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Wait Out
Tagged: Articulate, Incoherent, Self-Deprecating
“She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice, but women don't like nice….Why is nice bad? What kind of sick society we are living in, when nice is bad?”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Cafe
Tagged: nice guys, Men, Women, Dating, Attraction, Society
“God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'd never let me be happy.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pilot
Tagged: Success, Fate, God
“Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee…never went 'Ha!'”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Puffy Shirt
Tagged: mothers, Humorless
“Lunch is fine at the beginning, then you move on to dinner. You don't move back to lunch. It's like being demoted.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Pez Dispenser
Tagged: Dating, Lunch, Dinner
“I left three messages. I can't believe this woman. She has sex with me, leaves ten minutes later, then I never hear from her again. What kind of a person does this? I mean, she used me. I feel cheap and violated.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Fix-Up
Tagged: Voicemail, Ghosting, Sex, Violation
“This thing is like an onion. The more layers you peel, the more it stinks.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Soul Mate
Tagged: Conspiracy, Onions
“All right. I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Millennium
Tagged: Self-deprecation
“You know, they always remember the first time. I don't want to be remembered. I wanna be forgotten.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Virgin
Tagged: Virginity, first time, Being Forgotten
“Divorce is very difficult. Especially on a kid. Of course, I'm the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Shoes
Tagged: Divorce, Children, Marriage
“Hey believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Raincoats
Tagged: Baldness, trends, Aliens
“I'd rather be dating the blind. You know you could let the house go. You could let yourself go. A good-looking blind woman doesn't even know you're not good enough for her.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Wink
Tagged: Dating, blind dates, Blind People, Sloppiness, Deaf People
“A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. We either break up, which she would do anyway, but at least I go out with some dignity. Completely turn the tables. It's absolutely brilliant.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Pez Dispenser
Tagged: Breakups, Preemptive Breakups, Dating, Upper Hand
“Inner beauty's the easiest thing in the world to see when you're looking for it....The brain sees what the heart wants it to feel.”
— Mauricio, Shallow Hal
Tagged: inner beauty, Brain, heart
“What am I scared of? I'm scared of the same thing that you are, everything.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Trip
Tagged: Fear, Paranoia, Anxiety
“Y’know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now. It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Smelly Car
Tagged: Lesbianism, Attraction, Breakups
“It's like a magic trick. Sometimes I think it would be easier to bend a spoon mentally than to make that transformation.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Mango
Tagged: Impotence, erectile dysfunction
“You're giving me the ‘it's not you, it's me’ routine? I invented ‘it's not you, it's me.’ Nobody tells me it's them not me; if it's anybody, it's me.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Lip Reader
Tagged: Breakups, It's Not You It's Me
“If you can't say anything bad about a relationship, you shouldn't say anything at all.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Stand-In
Tagged: Relationships, Negativity
“You know what I've come to realize? I'm not just bored. I genuinely dislike her.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Stand-In
Tagged: Disdain, contempt, Boredom, Dating
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