Dane Cook Quotes
Total quotes (20)
Total quotes (20)
You know what’s really weird? You notice that the phone always rings when you’re crying. And what’s really strange is you answer it. You answer it. Even if you don’t want the world to know you’re crying, you still pick up the phone. And I think it’s because subconsciously, you’re reaching out. You want somebody to help you. So you pick up the phone and try to disguise it.
"Let me ask you this. What do you believe happens to you after um, after you die?
And I said uhh... okay. well, hopefully I live a good life and my soul goes to heaven and when I get there all my ancestors will be waiting for me like it's an airport
HEYYY! Whatsupp? Guess who's dead sucker. Hahahaaa. Come here. Float over here. "
I hope when he dies he does become a tree. I hope he's in the middle of the wilderness and he's doing his tree thing. Whatever it is trees do. I know they do alot of work with breezes. And wouldn't it be fantastic if while he was out there just enjoying his treeness. Through the woods a huge, sweaty guy with an axe comes along. Sees him. Chops him down. Smash. Put a chain around him. Drag him through the mud and the muck. Put him into a sawmill. Grind him up. Then you pound him down into paper. And once he's paper. You print the Bible on him
"How bout this one right. All you need for this is a pair of gloves
Just take your gloves, right
And go down to the bank. Get behind all the people in the bank
Give the person in front of you a little nudge, just a little nudge
Wait till they turn around, and when they turn around
Start putting on the gloves and say...
""Now would be a good time to leave, right now.""
Either that or take out a piece of paper and a pen and say...
""Hey, how do you spell shoot-you-in-the-fucking-face?
Come on, hurry up, one word? What is it?"""
You’re trying to find things to argue over. Because we can never just be adult and look at each other and go, “Hey, you know what? Hey, come here. Come here for a second. Um, we’re fuckin’ over, aren’t we? All right you go that way, I’ll go this way. It was good times!”
Nah, instead you’re like, "Let me just stick around for five or six years and then we can end this thing violently. Let’s do that. "