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“Dave: Matt Wilson? I mean, what a jerk! What does she see in him, anyway?

Stoney: Well, he's got the buff spikes chillin' on top of his melon, obviously, right?—dude, he's checking her cheeks! oh oh!—he's got the serious beak, and his own personal holding company full of fundage, bro, that he weases off of ma... ma...

Dave: [finishing the phrase]...jor.

Stoney: 18-inch bis—mine are only 4...

Dave: ...besides that.

Stoney: He walks like this, right? [struts in a manly fashion] Just like this, right? The nugs fully loose.”
— Stoney Brown, Encino Man
Tagged: Valley Speak, Nugs
“Stoney: Um, Robyn Sweeney, bro? She's not going to the prom with you, man. I wish she would, but she's really not.

Dave: What are you talking about? Robyn Sweeney is mine. She's become a major babe, and she loves me.

Stoney: She finds you crusty, Dave.

Dave: I'll convince her! She'll see the truth.

Stoney: The truth is bro, life's about greasing the 'do back, buddy, and wheezin' on the buff-fest, man. High school was interesting, all right? It was kinda like a harsh ride. Ah, ah...

Stoney: [howls twice] We're going on to bigger and better things, buddy!

Dave: Stoney, I am on to bigger and better things.”
— Stoney Brown, Encino Man
Tagged: Valley Speak, Prom
“If you're edged 'cause I'm weazin' all your grindage, just chill. 'Cause if I had the whole Brady Bunch thing happenin' at my pad, I'd go grind over there, so don’t tax my gig so hardcore, cruster.”
— Stoney Brown, Encino Man
Tagged: Valley Speak, Grindage, Brady Bunch
“The researchers found that while water -- both still and sparkling --does a pretty good job of quickly hydrating the body, beverages with a little bit of sugar, fat or protein do an even better job of keeping us hydrated for longer.”
— Lisa Drayer, Which Drink Is Best For Hydration? Hint: It Isn't Water
Tagged: hydration, Drinks
“I was a young cone myself once. Before I met Beldar, I was very attracted to a young Thorasian forger. And I far as I was concerned there was no other life force in the universe that mattered. But then he got a job working at a volcano complex on some moon in the Petulaus Cluster. I never saw him again. And it broke my blood valve chamber.”
— Prymatt Conehead, Coneheads
Tagged: techspeak, volcano, Attraction
“You know, Connie, I read in a magazine that you can talk to me about anything.”
— Prymatt Conehead, Coneheads
Tagged: lifestyle magazines
“Lisa Farber: All men are pigs.

Prymatt Conehead: Ah, pigs. An omnivorous domesticated cloven-hooved vertebrate that defecates in the same place it consumes.

Lisa Farber: Exactly.”
— Prymatt Conehead, Coneheads
Tagged: Misandry, Men are Pigs, pigs, omnivorous, vertebrate
“Ronnie: Yeah, my grandfather's from the ‘Old Country.’

Connie: Oh really, which one?

Ronnie: I'm not sure. One of the big ones.”
— Connie Conehead, Coneheads
Tagged: grandfather, Old Country
“Connie: How can it take so long to do a simple alignment on an American sedan with standard rack-and-pinion steering and MacPherson struts when your garage is equipped with the proper Borg-Warner digital hydraulic radiometer?

Ronnie: Maybe because I was out back finishing a beer.”
— Connie Conehead, Coneheads
Tagged: rack-and-pinion steering, Borg-Warner, alignment, techspeak, Beer
“Connie: I think I'll have some Tang.

Prymatt Conehead: Ah, Tang, the drink astronauts took to the moon.

Beldar Conehead: Astronauts to the moon?

[Beldar and Prymatt laugh]”
— Beldar Conehead, Coneheads
Tagged: Tang, Moon Landing, Moon Landing Hoax, Moon
“Prymatt Conehead: He was behaving like a flarndip?

Connie: [Confused] Flarndip?

Prymatt Conehead: A masher, a hustler, an uninvited grasper of cone.

Beldar Conehead: [Overhears this and is irate] FLARNDIP?”
— Beldar Conehead, Coneheads
Tagged: Flarndip, Sexual Assault
“Athletic Cone: I have learned much from watching the Garthok battle. It has weaknesses. I believe I can take it.

Beldar Conehead: Uh-huh. And let me know when Elvis gets here.”
— Beldar Conehead, Coneheads
Tagged: Elvis Presley, Battle
“Otto: Are you telling me you don't have a Social Security number?

Beldar Conehead: Correct.

Otto: Why not?

Beldar Conehead: I am an illegal alien.”
— Beldar Conehead, Coneheads
Tagged: social security number, illegal alien
“Take my car, its reinforced alloy superstructure is far superior to that of your broken down, rusted-out shit box.”
— Beldar Conehead, Coneheads
Tagged: shit box, used car
“Beldar Conehead: When my people come to colonize this planet, your name will be on the protected rolls, and you will come to no harm.

Gladys Johnson, Driving Student: You are wise. But there's a sadness to your wisdom.”
— Beldar Conehead, Coneheads
Tagged: alien invasion, Sadness, Wisdom
“Beldar Conehead: An owner's manual to a Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable.

Highmaster: Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable?

Beldar Conehead: A personal conveyance named after its inventor, an assassinated ruler, a character from Greco-Roman myth and a small fur-covered mammal.

Highmaster: Ah.”
— Beldar Conehead, Coneheads
Tagged: Greco-Roman, Ford, lincoln, Mercury, Sable
“[to Connie after they return to Earth] Your positive perception of me is vital to my existence. Besides, it is not every day a father can give the world to his child.”
— Beldar Conehead, Coneheads
Tagged: parental love
“May I have 55 words with you?”
— Beldar Conehead, Coneheads
Tagged: Coneheads, Overstatement
“If, for some reason your life functions ceased, my most precious one, I would collapse, I would draw the shades and I would live in the dark. I would never get out of my slar pad or clean myself. My fluids would coagulate, my cone would shrivel, and I would die, miserable and lonely. The stench would be great.”
— Beldar Conehead, Coneheads
Tagged: Stench, True Love, Coneheads
“Kids; can't live with them, can't shoot them.”
— Grandpa Gustafson, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: kids
“Looks like Chuck's taking old one-eye to the optometrist.”
— Grandpa Gustafson, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: sexual euphemisms
“Ariel Truax: John, when was the last time you made love?

John Gustafson: October 4th...1978.

Ariel Truax: Oh, I think we're safe.”
— John Gustafson, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: incel
“We did the horizontal mambo.”
— John Gustafson, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: sexual euphemisms
“Ariel Truax: [John is showing Ariel some family pictures] And these two little guys?

John Gustafson: Oh! That's me and the moron.

Ariel Truax: Is that Max?

John Gustafson: Of course it's Max. He's ugly, isn't he?

Ariel Truax: Aw, you mean you were friends?

John Gustafson: I was 10, and didn't know any better.

Ariel Truax: What makes two men spend most of their lives fighting?

John Gustafson: Oh? Guess.

Ariel Truax: A woman!

[John nods]

Ariel Truax: How romantic.

John Gustafson: No, it wasn't romantic at all.”
— John Gustafson, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: Moron, ugly, Romantic
“John Gustafson: Ohh, you don't know a damn thing about me...

Ariel Truax: I do, too! And I also know the only thing in life, that you regret, are the risks that you don't take.”
— John Gustafson, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: Regret, risks
“John Gustafson: You're supposed to be smoking filter cigarettes.

Grandpa Gustafson: I'm 94 years old. What the hell do I care?”
— John Gustafson, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: smoking, filtered cigarettes
“[Bragging about his sexual escapades] I've laid more pipe in this town than Wabasha Plumbing.”
— John Gustafson, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: laying pipe, sexual escapades
“Hey, watch your mouth you dumb friggin' Swede.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: Swedophobia
“Weatherman: Cold enough for ya? Brrrrrrr!

Max Goldman: Oh, shut up, fatass.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: Cold Weather, fatass
“Max Goldman: [Knows that John is hiding and listening, but can't give himself away] You mean the lowlife, asswipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson?

Snyder: Have you seen him?

Max Goldman: The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's of course if he's taken his medication.

Snyder: Medication?

Max Goldman: Yes, without it he could be anywhere. Wandering around talking to the trees. I'm telling you the man's a menace, he's always drinking, starting fights.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: asswipe, egg-sucker, lowlife, Drinking, medication

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About The Authors

This page was created by our editorial team. Each page is manually curated, researched, collected, and issued by our staff writers. Quotes contained on this page have been double checked for their citations, their accuracy and the impact it will have on our readers.

Kelly Peacock is an accomplished poet and social media expert based in Brooklyn, New York. Kelly has a Bachelor's degree in creative writing from Farieligh Dickinson University and has contributed to many literary and cultural publications. Kelly assists on a wide variety of quote inputting and social media functions for Quote Catalog. Visit her personal website here.

Kendra Syrdal is a writer, editor, partner, and senior publisher for The Thought & Expression Company. Over the last few years she has been personally responsible for writing, editing, and producing over 30+ million pageviews on Thought Catalog.