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Woody Harrelson Quotes

Total quotes: 38
“Tallahassee: Wow, these fellas really let themselves go.

Columbus: And they’re so fat.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: slovenly, fat, Redundant
“Neighbor: Roy, can you get sick drinkin’ piss?

Roy: I think you can.

Neighbor: Even if it’s your own?”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Urine, Drinking Urine, Piss
“Ishmael: You been drinking, Mr. Munson?

Roy: I don’t puke when I drink. I puke when I don’t.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Drinking, puking
“The world can really kick your ass. I only have a VAGUE recollection of when it wasn’t kickin’ mine.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Kick Ass
“I think the real obscenity comes from raising our youth to believe that sex is bad and ugly and dirty, and yet it is heroic to go spill guts and blood in the most ghastly manner in the name of humanity.”
— Larry Flynt, The People vs. Larry Flynt
Tagged: Obscenity, Sex, ugly, dirty, War
“Tallahassee: I’m not great at farewells, so, uh, that’ll do, pig.

Columbus: That’s the worst goodbye I’ve ever heard, and you stole it from a movie.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: goodbye, Pig, Plagiarism
“[Searching for Twinkies] Where are you, you spongy, yellow, delicious bastards?”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Twinkie, Spongy, yellow, Delicious, Bastards
“[Upon finding a Hummer filled with rifles] Thank God for rednecks.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Rednecks
“Take that, you freaky piece of shit. You don’t mow another guy’s lawn.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Piece of Shit, coveting thy neighbor's wife
“Columbus: Take away a man’s son, you’ve truly given him nothing left to lose.

Tallahassee: I haven’t cried like that since Titanic.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Loss of a Child, Titanic
“Here’s the deal: I’m not easy to get along with, and I’m sensing you’re a bit of a bitch.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Bitch, difficult
“McKnight Bowl Bartender: So, you two are dictionary salesmen?

Roy: You would be punctilious in assuming that.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Dictionary, Punctilious
“That coffee wasn’t even hot. [takes a sip of coffee] Now, that’s hot.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Hot Coffee
“Solution to my whole life was right under my nose— that woman, those kids— and I was watching everything else. See, infidelity is one kind of sin, but my true failure was inattention.”
— Martin Hart, True Detective, True Detective Season 1: The Secret Fate of All Life
Tagged: Men Regretting Cheating, Losing Your Family, Family, Inattention, What Happens When You Move Through Life With Your Eyes Closed
“It’s not who you want to spend Friday night with. It’s who you want to spend all day Saturday with.”
— Tommy, Friends With Benefits
Tagged: Movie Quotes, Dating, Relationships
“One day you'll meet someone and it'll literally take your breath away. Like you can't breathe. Like no oxygen to the lungs. Like a fish.”
— Tommy, Friends With Benefits
Tagged: friends with benefits, True Love, Dating
“Columbus: [in voiceover] You see, he was in the ass-kicking business and...

Tallahassee: [Tallahassee, in flashback, rounds corner holding two chainsaws and wearing a welding mask, flips mask up] ...business is good.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Ass-Kicking, Business
“Hey, a little help with movin’ the couch. We’re makin’ a fort.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: couch, Fort
“Time to nut up or shut up.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: nut up, shut up
“You’ve got a pretty mouth. [hits a zombie with a banjo]”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Deliverance, Pretty Mouth
“Ishmael: Okay, you want to bowl for some big money, eh? But I’ll lose my entire bonus check because I’m so bombed.

McKnight Bowl Bartender: You get that way from ginger ale?

Roy: Nah, he was sniffing glue in the parking lot.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Bowling, Sniffing Glue, Drunk, Bombing
“ESPN Announcer: So Roy, where have you been for the last fifteen years?

Roy: Well, I uh, well, ya see, I uh...drinking. Lot a drinking.

ESPN Announcer: I see. Well, are you still drinking?

Roy: No. I uh...I put...uh...why, you buying?”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Alcoholism
“Tallahassee: Are you fucking with me?

Columbus: Uh, no. You should actually limber up as well. Especially if we’re going down that hill. It is very important.

Tallahassee: I don’t believe in it. You ever see a lion limber up before it takes down a gazelle?”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: gazelle, Lion, limber
“There’s a box of Twinkies in that grocery store. Not just any box of Twinkies—the last box of Twinkies that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe. Believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date. Some day very soon, life’s little Twinkie gauge is gonna go...empty.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Twinkies, Expiration Date, Universe
“Have you ever read that book ‘She’s Just Not That Into You’?”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Books, Reading, she's just not that into you
“Where are the fucking Twinkies?”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Twinkies, Fucking, Exasperation
“Come on! Anybody hungry? Tallahassee’s nice this time of year.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Hungry, tallahassee
“Roy: Just because you’re familiar with the missionary position doesn’t make you a missionary.

Claudia: Look, Mr. Munster, you’re not exactly the smartest guy I ever ran across.

Roy: Oh yeah? And who are you, Alfred Einstein?”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: MIssionary Position, missionary
“I was just a regular type dude, with a big ass dick.”
— Martin Hart, True Detective, True Detective Season 1: The Long Bright Dark
Tagged: Arrogance on TV, Beginning Mystery, True Detective
“Ishmael: You really should try to quit, Mr. Munson. They say it’s bad for your heart, your lungs. It quickens the aging process.

Roy: Is that right? Who’s done more research on the subject than the good people at the American tobacco industry? They say it’s harmless. Why would they lie? If you’re dead, you can’t smoke.”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: smoking, Tobacco, Lungs, heart
“Columbus: [Columbus sprays Tallahassee with perfume; Tallahassee turns around and glares at Columbus] Okay. Let me begin my three-part apology by saying that I think you’re a wonderful human, with great potential.

Tallahassee: It’s okay...but FYI, I have beat wholesale ass for a whole lot less than that.

Columbus: I’m sure.

Tallahassee: You get, uh...[cocks his head]…45% power.

Columbus: Thank you.

Tallahassee: [Tallahassee punches Columbus in the arm, and Columbus knocks over a lamp] There you go.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: human, Potential, ass
“Roy: What about a gross of fluorescent condoms for the novelty machine in the men’s room? I mean, those are fun even when you’re alone.

Lancaster Bowl Manager: Yeah.

Roy: You get it?

Lancaster Bowl Manager: [impatiently, trying to read his Asian Brides magazine] Yeah!

Roy: This is like the hula hoop of the nineties. People go nuts!

Lancaster Bowl Manager: No! Look, we don’t even have a novelty machine in the men’s room anymore.

Roy: And you call this a bowling alley?”
— Roy Munson, Kingpin
Tagged: Bowling Alley, fluorescent condoms, Asian Brides, novelty machine
“Tallahassee: [discovers Hostess truck filled with Sno-Balls] Sno-Balls? Sno-Balls? Sno-Balls? Where’s the fucking Twinkies?

Columbus: I love Sno-Balls.

Tallahassee: I hate coconut. Not the taste, consistency.

Columbus: [eats a Sno-Ball] Fresh.

Tallahassee: Oh, this Twinkie thing, it ain’t over yet.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Fucking, Sno-Balls, Twinkies
“Wichita: [playing Monopoly] Ooh! Free parking...

Little Rock: Yeah.

Wichita: —which coincidentally is the best thing about Zombieland.

Columbus: You want to know the best thing about Z-land? No—no Facebook status updates. You know, Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday. Who cares?

Tallahassee: The best thing is no more flushing. Epic.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Monopoly, Facebook, epic, flush
“Bill Murray: [dying] Is that how you say hello where you come from?

Columbus: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I can’t believe I shot Bill Murray.

Tallahassee: Mr. Murray?

Bill Murray: I’m just Bill, I think, now.

Tallahassee: Bill?

Bill Murray: Yeah?

Tallahassee: [pokes at Bill’s wound] I don’t think we’re gonna be able to stitch this.

Bill Murray: Ah. That’s still tender.

Tallahassee: You think you might pull through?

Bill Murray: No.

Columbus: If it means anything now, I am so sorry. It was just instinctive.

Bill Murray: It was my bad. I was never a very good practical joker.

Little Rock: So do you have any regrets?

Bill Murray: Garfield, maybe.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Bill Murray, Murder, Gallows Humor, Regrets, Garfield Movie
“Tallahassee: [referring to Wichita and Little Rock, who previously hijacked them] They’re in the back, aren’t they?

Little Rock: [pops up holding shotgun] Just me.

Columbus: I’m really sorry. She was like a crouching tiger...

Tallahassee: You got taken hostage by a 12-year-old?

Columbus: Well, girls mature faster than boys. She’s way ahead of where I was at that age.

Little Rock: Twelve’s the new twenty. Gun please.

Tallahassee: Like you would ever use that thing. [Little Rock shoots in the air] Don’t kill me with my own gun.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Girls, boys, Guns, Puberty
“Tallahassee: Bill Murray, you’re a zombie? [Wichita hits Bill in his back with a golf club]

Bill Murray: [cries in pain] Ow, I’m on fire! Ouch!

Tallahassee: You’re not a zombie, you’re talking and...you’re okay?

Bill Murray: The hell I am.

Wichita: I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was...it was ‘you’ you.

Tallahassee: Are you...? What’s with the get-up?

Bill Murray: Oh, I do it to blend in. You know. Zombies don’t mess with other zombies. Buddy of mine, makeup guy, he showed me how to do this. Corn starch. You know, some berries, a little licorice for the ladies. Suits my lifestyle, you know. I like to get out and do stuff. Just played nine holes on the Riviera. Just walked on. Nobody there.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: zombies, Pain, zombie makeup
“Goddamn it, Bill fucking Murray! I had to get that out. I don’t mean to gush. This is so surreal. I mean, you probably get this all the time. Maybe not lately, but I’m such a huge fan of yours. You know, I swear, I’ve seen every one of your movies a million times. I even loved your dramatic roles and just everything. Six people left in the world and one of them is Bill fucking Murray. I know that’s not your middle name. I’ve been watching you since I was like...since I could masturbate. I mean, not that they’re connected.”
— Tallahassee, Zombieland
Tagged: Goddamn, Bill Murray, Fucking, masturbate
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