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H. Jon Benjamin Quotes

Total quotes: 35
“Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now, at the hour of my death... which I hope is soon. Amen.”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Swiss Miss
Tagged: Drinking, Hungover
“That's just great. She gets dinner and Dixieland and laid. And I get mosquitoes and no beer and... not laid. How could this get any... [alligator surfaces and growls] LET ME FINISH... worse. You ruined it. You ruined the moment.”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Archer Season 2: Pipeline Fever
Tagged: Dinner, Laid, Sex, Worse, moment, Ruined the moment, Comparing
“Oh, right! Because that's what Thanksgiving is all about—running around with a bunch of stupid birds and going on rides. Fine, go. But you know what? I am not making dinner!”
— Bob Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 5: Dawn of the Peck
Tagged: Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving Dinner
“We have found it. This is the prophecy. When we translate this text, we will know the identity of the anti-christ. It says... that a woman will agree to bear the child of Satan in exchange for... a Datsun 280ZX.”
— Satan (voice), Lucy, the Daughter of the Devil, Season 1: He's Not the Messiah, He's a DJ
Tagged: The Antichrist
“Bob: Hey, sometimes good things come from boredom. Like Gene.


Gene: Thank you!”
— Bob Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 3: Carpe Museum
Tagged: Boring, Backhanded Compliments
“Anka: I'm from Germany, where the age of consent is 14.

Archer: What is it, the Alabama of Europe?”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Archer Season 2: Swiss Miss
Tagged: Germany, Consent, Sex, Alabama
“Gene: [about Bob's multitool] Could it kill an eagle?

Bob: Why would we want to kill an eagle?

Gene: I don't know. They're so condescending.”
— Bob Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 4: A River Runs Through Bob
Tagged: Eagles, Condescending
“Cyril: Besides, I'm sure it's not the first time you've kept a secret from Lana.

Archer: Uh hello! Herpes?!”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Season 1: Training Day
Tagged: Secret, Herpes, Not The First Time
“Cyril: What do crocodiles eat?

Archer: EVERYTHING! THEY EAT EVERYTHING! And fear is their bacon bits!”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Vice: The Rules of Extraction
Tagged: Crocodiles, food, Fear
“Poovey: I can never unsee him naked.

Archer: I mean, the size of that thing.

Poovey: Haul that big bastard out and you can use it as an umbrella stand.”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Dreamland: Ladyfingers
Tagged: Naked, penis, Huge, Umbrella Stand
“Here's a piece of advice, Brendon. There's no such thing as psychology. It's all made-up crap. They're all conmen, all of them. Even the women.”
— Coach John McGuirk, Home Movies, Season 2: Therapy
Tagged: Psychology
“My teeth are crooked. I was supposed to get braces as a kid, but my parents didn't have enough money... left over from their trip.”
— Bill (voice), Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist, Season 1: Pot-Bellied Pigs
Tagged: Braces, Childhood
“I didn't invent the turtleneck, Lana. But I was the first to see its potential as a tactical garment. The Tactical Turtleneck, Lana. The... Tactleneck!”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Season 1: The Rock
Tagged: Turtleneck, Potential, Garment, Tactical, invention
“Archer: Name the douchebag who's in charge!

Mobster: Vincent... Van Go-fuck-yourself.

Archer: Vincent Van Go-fuck-myself. Survey says!”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Archer Season 2: Placebo Effect
Tagged: douchebag, Vincent Van Gogh, Diss, Sassy
“Mr. Fischoeder: Bob, you may be the worst tenant I've ever had. And I rent space to a raccoon sanctuary! 

Bob: I know. They're next door. I've been meaning to talk to you about it.”
— Bob Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 1: Burger Wars
Tagged: Raccoons, Landlords, Being A Terrible Renter
“Archer: Thank you... What was your name again?

Rodney: Rodney.

Archer: Thank you. Asshole.”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Season 4: Legs
Tagged: Rude, asshole, Sassy
“Bob: [addressing a large pot] Duval, is that you in there?


Duval: [from the pot] No one's in this pot. Go away. I am the spaghetti.”
— Bob Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 3: Mutiny on the Windbreaker
Tagged: Absurd, spaghetti, Hiding, Cowering
“Well, Your Honor, I couldn't see the meter because there was a kid standing in front of it. And he was exactly....meter-sized...”
— Bob Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 3: O.T.
Tagged: Alibis, Parking Meters
“Bob: Wait, I know how we can get back in front of Pesto.

Linda: Bob, it's not a race.

Bob: That's right, it's not a race, Lin. It's a war.

Gene: It's a race war.

Bob: Gene.”
— Bob Belcher (voice), Bob's Burgers, Season 7: Paraders of the Lost Float
Tagged: Race, War, Race War
“Cyril: How do you not know the different kinds of porn?

Archer: Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal parts the Internet, a tube of Kentucky jelly, self-loathing, and a sock.”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Vice: Southbound and Down
Tagged: Porn, Different Types Of Porn, Women, Sex, Internet, Self-Loathing, Sock, masturbation, Sassy
“I guess what I learned from all this is that the search is the most important part. Right, like, Brendon, when we found the cat it had rabies. So the lesson is that when you search for something, don't find it. 'Cause when you find it, it has rabies.”
— Jason Penopolis, Home Movies, Season 1: Brendon Gets Rabies
Tagged: cats, Searching
“Kids are horrible. Why do we keep making them?”
— Bob Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 4: Bob and Deliver
Tagged: Childbirth, Anti-Natalism
“Linda: I like sandwiches.


Bob: You smell like you do.




Linda: You smell interesting too. You own a toothbrush, or are you still shopping around?”
— Bob Belcher (voice), Bob's Burgers, Season 7: Aquaticism
Tagged: Smell, You Smell, bad breath, sandwiches, insults, body odor
“No, forget the glass Woodhouse, just give me the pitcher. For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Season 3: Crossing Over
Tagged: Hungover, Death, Awful, Alcohol
“Sour mix? In a margarita? What is this, Auschwitz?”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Season 4: Fugue and Riffs
Tagged: Sour Mix, Margarita, Wrong Mix, Gross, Torture, Wrong
“Lana, it's cashmere, there are rules.”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Season 6: Vision Quest
Tagged: Cashmere, Rules, fabric
“Archer: [After being distracted by Lana in her underwear] Right, because you walked into Strippers Discount Warehouse and said, 'Help me showcase my intellect'!

Lana: Strippers Discount? Hel-LO! These-are-Fiacchi!

Archer: I think it's pronounced, 'Knock-off!'”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Season 1: Skorpio
Tagged: stripper, Knock-off, Intellect, Underwear, Showcase
“Bob: Are we just going to ignore the fact that Louise just pooped in the pool?


Louise: Ignore it? I named it. Jezebel.




Linda: Awwww. My little grandoody.”
— Bob Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 2: Synchronized Swimming
Tagged: Portmanteus, Poop in the Pool, Jezebel, Grandoody
“Bob: [practicing] 'As you know, sir, we have several loans with your institution, all 'past due.' But what does 'past due' even mean, you know?


Gene: It's brilliant! There's no such thing as time!


Linda: Gene was past due, and he came out fine.”
— Bob Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 2: Bob Day Afternoon
Tagged: Loan Officers, Past Due, Brilliant
“Coach McGuirk: Hey Brendon, how come the team never carried me off the field?

Brendon: We tried, but you were too big.

Coach McGuirk: Excuse me?

Brendon: I mean, uhh... too drunk?

Coach McGuirk: Yes. Yes I was. But I tell you something Brendon, I am every day, that doesn't mean don't carry me off the field.”
— Coach John McGuirk (voice) / Brendon Small (voice), Home Movies, Season 1: Director's Cut
Tagged: Drunk
“Lana: That since we are going to die tomorrow, we should have sex.

Archer: Are you kidding? After seeing a tiger get murdered? Lana, I'm not in the mood! ...I mean, if you want to, I can watch while you masturbate, but just so you know, my heart's not going to be into it. It's going to be with that tiger's family... But, you know... go ahead and start.”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Season 3: El Contador
Tagged: Sex, Death, Tiger, Murder, masturbate, Heart Is not in it
“Malory: And what the hell are you wearing?

Archer: I think, technically, it's a... loincloth?
Fashioned out of a baby-doll nightie.
[Malory lifts a finger to say something, then lets out a sigh]
Well, sorry, Mother. I didn't know I was going to a funeral.
I would've worn a black one.”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Season 7: Deadly Velvet
Tagged: Loincloth, Nightie, funeral, Black
“No, no, no. I appreciate that you over-nighted them, your holiness. - Yes, I know it's expensive. - They're 2,000 years old, I know, I know! - What can I say, this is, uh, this is my fault. We went to yoga, and we had to sign up, and it was a whole- it was a... Anyway, tomorrow we'll make sure someone will be here to sign for it.”
— Special Father #1 (voice), Lucy, the Daughter of the Devil, Season 1: Dildo Factory
Tagged: yoga
“Teddy: Hey, Bob. You going to Equestra-Con?

Bob: Uh, no, Teddy. Because that's a convention for little girls that like toy horses.

Teddy: Beg to differ, Bob. It's for guys that like toy horses. They're called ‘Equesticles.’

Bob: ‘Equesticles?’

Teddy: Yeah, 'cause they got testicles. 'Cause they're men.”
— Bob Belcher, Bob's Burgers, Season 4: The Equestranauts
Tagged: Equesticles, Equestrian
“Dr. Katz: And so is that why you stopped smoking?

Bill: Yeah, well, I think I didn't wanna... you know, my father smoked a lot, and, uh... he's been smoking for years. He tried to quit, you know, he tried everything, you know, he tried hypnosis, and it didn't really take, and then he tried that thing with all the needles, what do they call that... heroin.

 [pause] He LOVES it.”
— Dr. Katz (voice) / Bill (voice) , Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist, Season 1: Pot-Bellied Pigs
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