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Archer Quotes

“Poovey: I can never unsee him naked.

Archer: I mean, the size of that thing.

Poovey: Haul that big bastard out and you can use it as an umbrella stand.”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Dreamland: Ladyfingers
Tagged: Naked, penis, Huge, Umbrella Stand
“Lana, it's cashmere, there are rules.”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Season 6: Vision Quest
Tagged: Cashmere, Rules, fabric
“Archer: Physically unchanged for a hundred million years because it's the perfect killing machine: a half ton of coldblooded fury with a bite force of twenty-thousand newtons and a stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hooves. And now we're surrounded, those snake eyes are watching from the shadows waiting for the night...

Ray: [Interrupts, breaking into song] Waiting for the Night!”
— Ray Gillette (voice), Archer, Vice: The Rules of Extraction
Tagged: Crocodiles, fury, Surrounded, Night, Song, Waiting for the night
“Cyril: What do crocodiles eat?

Archer: EVERYTHING! THEY EAT EVERYTHING! And fear is their bacon bits!”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Vice: The Rules of Extraction
Tagged: Crocodiles, food, Fear
“Archer: Thank you... What was your name again?

Rodney: Rodney.

Archer: Thank you. Asshole.”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Season 4: Legs
Tagged: Rude, asshole, Sassy
“My cooch has cobwebs!”
— Pam (voice), Archer, Season 4: Viscous Coupling
Tagged: Cooch, Unused, Cobwebs
“Pam: This is Rodney, he's the new... whatever... gun librarian.

Rodney: Armory supervisor!”
— Pam (voice), Archer, Season 4: The Wind Cries Mary
Tagged: Guns, Army Supervisor, Gun Librarian, Keeper of Guns, New
“Sour mix? In a margarita? What is this, Auschwitz?”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Season 4: Fugue and Riffs
Tagged: Sour Mix, Margarita, Wrong Mix, Gross, Torture, Wrong
“Speaking of, you see the bulge on that towel boy? Man, if I was you, I'd be in this spa 25/8.”
— Pam (voice), Archer, Season 4: Fugue and Riffs
Tagged: Bulge, Towel Boy, 24/7, Longer than 24/7, spa, Relaxation
“No, forget the glass Woodhouse, just give me the pitcher. For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Season 3: Crossing Over
Tagged: Hungover, Death, Awful, Alcohol
“Get your bloated carcass in here!”
— Malory Archer (voice), Archer, Archer Season 2: Double Trouble
Tagged: mean, bloated, Carcass, Diss, Command
“Archer: We look totally gay!

Ray: I am gay.

Archer: Well, I'm not!

Ray: Then why are you wearing that turtleneck?”
— Ray Gillette (voice), Archer, Archer Season 2: El Secuestro
Tagged: gay, Turtleneck, Sassy
“Cyril: Krieger's father was a Nazi scientist!

Malory: And JFK's father was a bootlegger.

Cyril: That's like comparing apples to... Nazi oranges!”
— Cyril Figgis (voice), Archer, Archer Season 2: Placebo Effect
Tagged: father, Nazi, Scientist, Apples to Oranges, Bootlegger
“Pam: So then it's settled. We're a go on Operation... what should we called it?

Cheryl: Dick Sledge.”
— Cheryl Tunt (voice), Archer, Archer Season 2: Movie Star
Tagged: Operation, Codename, dick, name
“That's just great. She gets dinner and Dixieland and laid. And I get mosquitoes and no beer and... not laid. How could this get any... [alligator surfaces and growls] LET ME FINISH... worse. You ruined it. You ruined the moment.”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Archer Season 2: Pipeline Fever
Tagged: Dinner, Laid, Sex, Worse, moment, Ruined the moment, Comparing
“ I can't wait! I need a man now, with monster hands.”
— Cheryl Tunt (voice), Archer, Season 1: Dial M for Mother
Tagged: Man, Masculinity, monster, hands, Big Hands, Strong
“Hey, Europe: be gayer.”
— Cyril Figgis (voice), Archer, Season 1: Killing Utne
Tagged: Europe, gay, style
“Malory: What are you, deaf and racist?

Lana: I'm black!

Malory: Oh, put it back in the deck.”
— Malory Archer (voice), Archer, Season 1: Diversity Hire
Tagged: Deaf, racist, Black, Sassy
“Cyril: Besides, I'm sure it's not the first time you've kept a secret from Lana.

Archer: Uh hello! Herpes?!”
— Sterling Archer (voice), Archer, Season 1: Training Day
Tagged: Secret, Herpes, Not The First Time
“Cheryl: What the stupid shit are you doing??


Cyril: You said you wanted watermelon.



Cheryl: Watermelon's red?


Cyril: Yes. How do you not know that?



Cheryl: Who am I? Charles Frederick Andress?”
— Cheryl Tunt, Archer, Season 6: The Archer Sanction
Tagged: Charles Frederick Andress, Botanist, Charleston Gray Watermelon
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