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Etan Cohen Quotes

Total quotes: 20
“I don't mean to sound racist, but this by far is the best selection of beans I have ever seen. I'm serious.”
— Dale Gribble, King of the Hill, Season 6: Beer and Loathing
Tagged: Beans, racist
“Bartender:  Look, I told you kids!  You have no I.D.'s, you look underage, and if I serve you, I'll go to jail!

Butt-head:  Uhh…how about one for the road?”
— Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head, Season 7: Dumbasses Anonymous
Tagged: underage drinking, not taking "No" for an answer, One for the Road
“Aw, Steve, your first gropefest. You won't truly appreciate the awkwardness of this moment until you're fondly reminiscing as a 35-year-old homosexual.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 3: Failure is Not a Factory-Installed Option
Tagged: Gropefest, Awkwardness, Homosexual
“The #1 movie in America was called Ass. And that's all it was for 90 minutes. It won eight Oscars that year, including best screenplay.”
— Narrator (voice), Idiocracy
Tagged: dysgenics, ass, oscars, Best Screenplay
“Unfortunately, Trevor passed away from a heart attack while masturbating to produce sperm for artificial insemination. But I had some eggs frozen, so just as soon as the right guy comes along...”
— Yuppie Wife, Idiocracy
Tagged: Heart Attack, masturbation, dysgenics, sperm donor, Artificial Insemination
“Don't worry, scrote. There are plenty of 'tards out there living really kickass lives. My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now.”
— Dr. Lexus, Idiocracy
Tagged: Kickass, fucked up, Retarded, scrote
“Rita: You think Einstein walked around thinkin' everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?

Pvt. Joe Bowers: Yeah. Hadn't thought of that.

Rita: Now you know why he built that bomb.”
— Private Joe Bowers, Idiocracy
Tagged: Albert Einstein, Atom Bomb, Dumb Shits
“Pvt. Joe Bowers: Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, y'know?

Frito: I don't really think we have time for a handjob, Joe.”
— Frito Pendejo, Idiocracy
Tagged: Starbucks, handjob
“Today I step into the shoes of a great man, a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.”
— Private Joe Bowers, Idiocracy
Tagged: mountain dew
“Joe and Rita had three children, the three smartest kids in the world. Vice President Frito took eight wives and had a total of 32 kids. Thirty-two of the dumbest kids ever to walk the Earth. OK, so maybe Joe didn't save mankind, but he got the ball rolling, and that's pretty good for an average guy.”
— Narrator (voice), Idiocracy
Tagged: dysgenics, ass
“[laughs] Right, kick ass. Well, don't want to sound like a dick or nothin', but, ah... it says on your chart that you're fucked up. Ah, you talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded. What I'd do, is just like... like... you know, like, you know what I mean, like...”
— Dr. Lexus, Idiocracy
Tagged: fag, Kickass, fucked up, Shit, Retarded
“The years passed, mankind became stupider at a frightening rate. Some had high hopes that genetic engineering would correct this trend in evolution, but sadly the greatest minds and resources where focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections.”
— Narrator (voice), Idiocracy
Tagged: Erections, Hair loss, Genetic Engineering, Evolution
“[addressing military brass about Rita's background] We did, however have to come to an arrangement with her pimp. A gentleman who goes by the name Upgrayedd. Which he spells thusly, with two D's, as he says, ‘for a double dose of this pimping’.”
— Officer Collins, Idiocracy
Tagged: pimp
“And there was a time in this country, a long time ago, when reading wasn't just for fags and neither was writing. People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting, and I believe that time can come again!”
— Private Joe Bowers, Idiocracy
Tagged: fags, Reading, Writing, Movies, Farting
“I like money.”
— Frito Pendejo, Idiocracy
Tagged: Money
“Pvt. Joe Bowers: I just need you to tell me how to get to the time machine.

Frito: Oh, that's easy. You go down by the museum and stuff... It's like- it's, like, by the museum... Sorta by... Actually, not really. More like on the street, you go, um... Wait, let me start over. Okay, you know where the time machine is?”
— Frito Pendejo, Idiocracy
Tagged: Time Machine, Directions
“It started off boring and slow with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk: 'Blah blah blah. You gotta believe me!' That part of the trial sucked! But then the Chief J. just went off. He said, 'Man, whatever! The guy's guilty as shit! We all know that.' And he sentenced his ass to one night of rehabilitation.”
— Female Reporter, Idiocracy
Tagged: ass, Trial, Blah Blah Blah, guilty, Rehabilitation
“President Camacho: Now I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now. But I've got a 3-point plan that's going to fix EVERYTHING.

Congressman #1: Break it down, Camacho!

President Camacho: Number 1: We've got this guy Not Sure. Number 2: He's got a higher IQ than ANY MAN ALIVE. and Number 3: He's going to fix EVERYTHING.”
— President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho, Idiocracy
Tagged: dysgenics, IQ, Shit, Emotional
“As the 21st century began, human evolution was at a turning point. Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest, the fastest, reproduced in greater numbers than the rest, a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man, now began to favor different traits. Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized and more intelligent. But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction. A dumbing down. How did this happen? Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence. With no natural predators to thin the herd, it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most, and left the intelligent to become an endangered species.”
— Narrator (voice), Idiocracy
Tagged: natural selection, devolution, dysgenics, stupid movies
“President Camacho: Shit. I know shit's bad right now, with all that starving bullshit, and the dust storms, and we are running out of French fries and burrito coverings. But I got a solution.

South Carolina Representative #1: That's what you said last time, dipshit!

South Carolina Representative #2: Yeah, I got a solution, you're a dick! South Carolina, what's up!”
— President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho, Idiocracy
Tagged: dysgenics, starving, Bullshit, Burrito, French Fries, Dipshit, dick
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