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King of the Hill Quotes

“I'm all jacked up on America right now! Anyone want to hear me recite the Constitution?”
— Dale Gribble, King of the Hill, Season 9: Dale to the Chief
Tagged: Patriotism, America, Constitution
“Why would anyone do drugs when they can just mow a lawn?”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 9: Yard, She Blows!
Tagged: Drugs, mowing the lawn
“I hear Mega Lo Mart is taking bids for a rat problem. Boy, that'd be a sweet gig. I could finally start paying for Nancy's health insurance instead of just telling Nancy I'm paying for it.”
— Dale Gribble, King of the Hill, Season 7: Megalo Dale
Tagged: exterminator, Health Insurance
“Yeah, there's nothing worse than people not respecting you. Every time I get hooted at I have to take an hour of Tae Bo.”
— Luanne Platter, King of the Hill, Season 7: Boxing Luanne
Tagged: Catcalls, Tae Bo, Self-Defense
“Dang it, I am sick and tired of everyone's asinine ideas about me. I'm not a redneck, and I'm not some Hollywood jerk. I'm something else entirely. I'm... I'm complicated!”
— Hank Hill (voice), King of the Hill, Season 9: A Rover Runs Through It
Tagged: Redneck, hollywood jerk
“You shut your got-dang mouth or I'll shove that Ditch Witch down your throat and dig a tunnel straight through to sunshine!”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 7: The Texas Skilsaw Massacre
Tagged: Threats
“In my day, the principal was the meanest sum-bitch God ever put on one leg. He'd lean on a desk with both hands, and swing his leg at ya! Then, when you were standing there shocked that a one-legged man had kicked ya...he'd bite ya!”
— Cotton Hill, King of the Hill, Season 7: An Officer and a Gentle Boy
Tagged: Corporal Punishment, One-Legged
“Get away from my wife or next time I'll aim for the mannequin and hit you.”
— Dale Gribble, King of the Hill, Season 6: My Own Private Rodeo
Tagged: Threats, Bad aim
“I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 7: The Texas Skilsaw Massacre
Tagged: Anger, Idiot
“I don't mean to sound racist, but this by far is the best selection of beans I have ever seen. I'm serious.”
— Dale Gribble, King of the Hill, Season 6: Beer and Loathing
Tagged: Beans, racist
“You're like E.T., except E.T. was a purebred alien with a heart of gold. You're only half-alien and at times can be a tad self-absorbed.”
— Dale Gribble, King of the Hill, Season 6: Of Mice and Little Green Men
Tagged: E.T., Alien
“Hank: Hey Bobby. How was the surf today? Did Boomhauer do his famous flamingo? That's when he stands on one leg, that's not easy to do, even on the ground.

Bobby: No, all he did was fall flat on his face and embarrass himself, and us by association, we didn't even get to ride the wave.”
— Bobby Hill, King of the Hill, Season 12: Four Wave Intersection
Tagged: Surfing, Flamingo, self-embarrassment
“No, you are not tripping, that is an emu.”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 6: Fun with Jane and Jane
Tagged: tripping, Psychedelic, emu
“That's a clean-burning Hell, I tell you what!”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 6: Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret Hill
Tagged: propane, Hell
“Your honor, I can tell you are a reasonable horse. I am very pregnant because of what happened with Lupe. She ate my bus accident and all I wanted was to make Lupe into a book. I have too many good anuses ahead of me to spend my life in a cigar factory.”
— Peggy Hill, King of the Hill, Season 6: Lupe's Revenge
Tagged: subtitles, bad translations
“Hey, I didn't go looking for trouble. Trouble came-a-knockin' and Bobby Hill's foot answered the door.”
— Bobby Hill, King of the Hill, Season 6: Bobby Goes Nuts
Tagged: trouble
“Enough! Your son has always loved you despite your constant torture. You want to die alone? Fine. You want to keep coming back and never die? That's fine too. In fact, I hope you do go on living forever as the unhappy person you are in the hell you have created here on this earth. I hope you live forever. I really do.”
— Peggy Hill, King of the Hill, Season 12: Death Picks Cotton
Tagged: Death, Hell, Eternal Life
“Uncle Hank, I quit being a virgin the first time I had sex.”
— Luanne Platter, King of the Hill, Season 5: Luanne Virgin 2.0
Tagged: virgin, Sex
“Hank: [Presses his tongs into the steak cooking on the grill] Firm but with a little give. Yup, these are medium-rare.

Bobby: What if somebody wants theirs well-done?

Hank: We ask them politely, yet firmly, to leave.”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 12: Raise the Steaks
Tagged: Steak, medium rare, well done
“So it turns out I'm not the actual Dale Gribble, but a clone of him. The original Dale Gribble is a super-warrior from the year 2087. The second me, i.e., I, was created to help the first me fight the invading Mongol armies.”
— Dale Gribble, King of the Hill, Season 8: Reborn to Be Wild
Tagged: alter ego, super-warrior
“Can't you see you're not making Christianity better, you're just making rock and roll worse?”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 8: Reborn to Be Wild
Tagged: Christian Rock
“The only woman I'm pimping from now on is Sweet Lady Propane. And I'm tricking her out all over this town.”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 5: Ho Yeah!
Tagged: pimping, propane
“Dale, that's asinine, and here's four reasons why. First, you're not gonna clone a super-warrior out of a guy who can't even win a thumb-wrestling match. Two, you've spent your life swearing that the robots will eliminate the clones by the year 2010, so which is it, robots or clones? Three, you've already said you sympathize with the invading Mongolians of 2087, so you'd be the last one they'd send to fight them. And four, if you were from the future, you would have seen this coming.”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 8: Reborn to Be Wild
Tagged: asinine, Warriors, Mongolians
“Well, Joseph went to his first sleepover last night. Didn't go so well, he's a cuddler, so I had to go pick him up.”
— Dale Gribble, King of the Hill, Season 12: The Accidental Terrorist
Tagged: Sleepover, Cuddler
“Hank: I'm gonna kick your asses!

Dale: Why is it always about asses with you, Hank?”
— Hank Hill, King of the Hill, Season 5: Hank and the Great Glass Elevator
Tagged: Kick Ass, asses, ass fetish
“That makes a whole lot of sense….A whole lot of nonsense!”
— Dale Gribble, King of the Hill, Season 5: The Buck Stops Here
Tagged: Sense, Nonsense
“Dad, I'm confused. So you should trust people until they betray you, and then try to blow them up?”
— Bobby Hill, King of the Hill, Season 12: The Accidental Terrorist
Tagged: Trust, Betrayal, Terrorism
“I know how dark it is for you right now; curled up, lying in your own emotional vomit. You're in hell now, Boomhauer. And the only way out is through a long, dark tunnel. And you're afraid to go in, because there's a train comin' at you, carryin' a boxcar full of heartbreak. Well, let me tell you something: all you can do is let it hit you. And then try to find your legs. I know, I've taken that hit more times than I can remember. Look at me Boomhauer, I'm fat, and I'm old, and every day I'm just gonna wake up fatter and older. Yet somehow I manage to drag this fat old bald bastard into the alley every day. I'm out there diggin' holes, fallin' into them, climbin' out, tryin' again, and tomorrow, I'm gonna hang outside at a ladies prison. And the first thing those lady cons are gonna see after 20 years? Is me. Will I get one? Experience says no. Will I be out there next month? If I'm alive you better believe it. You gotta get right back up on that tanning bed, slip into a tight t-shirt, wash off some of that cologne, and get yourself out of that tunnel and into some strange woman's bed!”
— Bill Dauterive, King of the Hill, Season 6: Dang Ol' Love
Tagged: Hell, Boomhauer, Prison, Revenge
“The only thing your roommates (i.e., enemies) will understand is fear (i.e., psychological warfare (i.e., dirty tricks). It worked for Dick Nixon. For example, get ahold of some goat's blood. Taint that blood. Then when your roommates need blood, give them the tainted goat's blood. It's a perfect plan.”
— Dale Gribble, King of the Hill, Season 4: Movin' On Up
Tagged: enemies, Fear, tricks, Richard Nixon, Goat's Blood
“...which is why so many people are suddenly allergic to peanuts. The peanuts are emitting toxins as an evolutionary defense mechanism. They're tired of being eaten, and now they're fighting back.”
— Dale Gribble, King of the Hill, Season 4: Naked Ambition
Tagged: peanut allergies, Conspiracy Theories
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