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Kendra Syrdal

3,632 Quotes
three be the things I shall never attain: envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
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3,632 quotes curated by Kendra Syrdal:

“When did avocado toast become the new crack cocaine?”
— Whitney Cummings, Twitter
Tagged: Women in Comedy, food
“I guess ultimately I just want to be someone's cell phone background.”
— Whitney Cummings, Twitter
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Love
“The Backstreet Boys are releasing a new album, and all their fans ovaries are releasing their last eggs.”
— Chelsea Handler, Twitter
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Backstreet Boys
“I wonder if Donald Trump watches footage of himself and thinks, 'I look great.'”
— Chelsea Handler, Twitter
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Donald Trump
“I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.”
— Ellen Degeneres, Seriously...I'm Kidding
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Drunk, Drinking, Pregnancy
“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.”
— Ellen Degeneres, Seriously...I'm Kidding
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Serial Killers, Funny, Self-Acceptance
“Procrastinate now. Don't put it off.”
— Ellen Degeneres, Here and Now
Tagged: Women in Comedy, procrastination
“Mommy is one of the chosen people … and daddy believes that Jesus is magic!”
— Sarah Silverman, Jesus Is Magic
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Religion
“Don't love the fact that I momentarily forgot I was in a Uber and started BELTING the chorus to 'Kiss from a Rose' but my driver sure did!”
— Mamrie Hart, Twitter
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Uber, Singing, Car Singing
“My love of coffee, green juice, and booze sure has LIQUIDated my bank account.*

*don't even play like that wasn't perfect.”
— Mamrie Hart, Twitter
Tagged: Women in Comedy, Drinks, Money