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Seinfeld Quotes

“Frank Costanza: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon, I realized there had to be another way.

Kramer: What happened to the doll?

Frank Costanza: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST-OF-US.”
— Frank Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Strike
Tagged: Christmas, Christmas Shopping, Festivus
“If you had five chickens could you tell them apart by just the way they acted? Or would they all just be walking around? Cluck, puk, cluck? Because if they have individual personalities I don't think we should be eating them.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Dinner Party
Tagged: chicken, Veganism, Personality
“I heard a weatherman say that 75% of your body heat is actually lost through the top of the top of the head. Which sounds like you could go skiing naked if you got a good hat.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Dinner Party
Tagged: Winter, cold, hats, Skiing, Nudity
“People love cinnamon. It should be on tables at restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime anyone says, ‘Oh This is so good. What's in it?’ The answer invariably comes back: cinnamon. Cinnamon. Again and again.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Dinner Party
Tagged: cinnamon, salt, Pepper
“The thing about eating the black and white cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie all our problems would be solved.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Dinner Party
Tagged: Cookies, Vanilla, chocolate, Racial Harmony, Racial Tension
“Well you know, all you guys ever do is sit around the coffee shop talking, sit around Jerry's apartment talking. Frankly, I don't know how you can stand it. I’ll see you.”
— Susan Ross, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Pool Guy
Tagged: Boredom, Jerry Talks Too MUch
“Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Puffy Shirt
Tagged: Borrowing, Money, Sex, Friends and Sex
“Jerry: You will be stunned.

Elaine: Stunned by soup?

Jerry: You can’t eat this soup standing up. Your knees buckle.”
— Elaine Benes, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Soup Nazi
Tagged: Stunned, Soup, Delicious
“If you’re not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Kiss Hello
Tagged: East Side, Civil Society
“Elaine: Where’s Kramer?

Jerry: Who knows? It’s like asking where’s Waldo.”
— Elaine Benes, Seinfeld, Season 2: The Heart Attack
Tagged: Where's Waldo?
“People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Big Salad
Tagged: dates, Shmoopy, PDA
“You ever dream in 3-D? It’s like the bogeyman is coming RIGHT AT YOU.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Gymnast
Tagged: 3-D, Dreams, Bogeyman
“Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Cafe
Tagged: Nice, Bad, Sick Society
“George: I gotta call Elaine.

Jerry: She’s out.

George: Oh, yeah. The blind date.

Jerry: They call it a setup, now. I guess the blind people don’t like being associated with all those losers.”
— Spike Feresten, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Andrea Doria
Tagged: blind dates, Blind People, losers
“There is no bigger loser than me!”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Strike
Tagged: Biggest Loser, Self-deprecation
“George: She calls me up at my office. She says, ‘We have to talk.’

Jerry: Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.

George: That or ‘Whose bra is this?’

Jerry: That’s worse.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 1: The Seinfeld Chronicles
Tagged: We Have To Talk, English Language
“We don’t know how long this will last. They are a very festive people.”
— Elaine Benes, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Puerto Rican Day
Tagged: Puerto Ricans, Festive
“Elaine: Perhaps there’s more to Newman than meets the eye.

Jerry: No, there’s less.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Big Salad
Tagged: More than Meets The Eye
“George: Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?


Jerry: Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge
Tagged: condoms, Abstinence
“Mr. Peterman: Elaine, can you keep a secret?

Elaine: No sir, I can’t.”
— J. Peterman, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Frogger
Tagged: Candor, Secrets
“Audrey: It’s amazing how many beautiful women live in New York. I actually find it kind of intimidating.

Kramer: Well, you’re just as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Nose Job
Tagged: Nose Job, New York, Bluntless, Too Honest
“Kramer: You’re becoming one of the glitterati.

George: What’s that?

Kramer: People who glitter.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Race
Tagged: Glitterati
“Jerry: This isn’t a good time.

Telemarketer: When would be a good time to call back, sir?

Jerry: I have an idea, why don’t you give me your home number and I’ll call you back later?

Telemarketer: Umm, we’re not allowed to do that.

Jerry: Oh, I guess because you don’t want strangers calling you at home.

Telemarketer: Umm, no.

Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pitch
Tagged: Telemarketing, Revenge
“George: You’ve got to apologize.

Jerry: Why?

George: Because it’s the mature and adult thing to do.

Jerry: How does that affect me?”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Slicer
Tagged: Apologies, mature, adult, Selfish
“Salad! What was I thinking? Women don't respect salad eaters.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Wink
Tagged: Salad, Masculinity, Women, Veganism
“Well, you know what they say, you don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Bizarro Jerry
Tagged: Sales, Advertising, Steak
“You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going 'excuse me?', 'what was that?'”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Puffy Shirt
Tagged: Low-Talkers
“I'm not a lesbian! I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian.”
— Elaine Benes, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Subway
Tagged: Lesbianism, Men Suck, Misandry, Dating
“Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Voice
Tagged: Breakups, Coke Machines
“Rose: What a day. One sad person after another.
Dorothy: Rose, you work at grief counseling. What do you expect, comedians?”
— Rose Nylund, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Engagement
Tagged: Sadness, Comedians, Grief Counseling, Comebacks
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