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Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Total quotes: 140
“You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going 'excuse me?', 'what was that?'”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Puffy Shirt
Tagged: Low-Talkers
“George: You’ve got to apologize.

Jerry: Why?

George: Because it’s the mature and adult thing to do.

Jerry: How does that affect me?”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Slicer
Tagged: Apologies, mature, adult, Selfish
“Elaine: Perhaps there’s more to Newman than meets the eye.

Jerry: No, there’s less.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Big Salad
Tagged: More than Meets The Eye
“Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Voice
Tagged: Breakups, Coke Machines
“Salad! What was I thinking? Women don't respect salad eaters.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Wink
Tagged: Salad, Masculinity, Women, Veganism
“George: She calls me up at my office. She says, ‘We have to talk.’

Jerry: Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.

George: That or ‘Whose bra is this?’

Jerry: That’s worse.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 1: The Seinfeld Chronicles
Tagged: We Have To Talk, English Language
“People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Big Salad
Tagged: dates, Shmoopy, PDA
“Jerry: This isn’t a good time.

Telemarketer: When would be a good time to call back, sir?

Jerry: I have an idea, why don’t you give me your home number and I’ll call you back later?

Telemarketer: Umm, we’re not allowed to do that.

Jerry: Oh, I guess because you don’t want strangers calling you at home.

Telemarketer: Umm, no.

Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pitch
Tagged: Telemarketing, Revenge
“Is it...? Could it...? Could he have...? IT IS! Poppie peed on my sofa!”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Couch
Tagged: Public Urination
“The woman had an orgasm under false pretenses. That's sexual perjury.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Mango
Tagged: orgasm, Faking Orgasm
“Do you think it's effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle?”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 2: The Revenge
Tagged: Laundry, Masculinity, Effeminate
“Look, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chip Ahoy, I'm having it.”
— Morty Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Cadillac
Tagged: Chips Ahoy, Cookies, Mortality, Chocolate Chip
“Once someone’s else life depends on you keeping it together, it’s easier to keep it together.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld on Louis C.K., Roseanne and Tense Times in Comedy
Tagged: Family, Parenthood
“If you’re not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Kiss Hello
Tagged: East Side, Civil Society
“Jerry. It's L.A. Nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Finale
Tagged: LA, Los Angeles, Whore
“I'll tell you why. Because I believe Whatley converted to Judaism just for the jokes.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Yada Yada
Tagged: Judaism, Religious Conversion, Joke Telling Immunity, Jokes
“The appeal of the posse? The posse has tremendous appeal. Get away from the job, camp out, you're with your friends....Come on, it's a week-long game of hide-and-seek on horseback.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Letter
Tagged: Posses, Male Bonding, camping
“What is it about sleep that makes you so thirsty? Do dreams require liquid? It's not like I'm running a marathon, I'm just lying there.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Keys
Tagged: Sleep, Thirst
“Because I snubbed her. You see? Women, they like that! Yes! I understand women. The snub is good, they love the snub.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Shoes
Tagged: Snubbing, Aloofness, Attraction, Women
“I don't get it. Not allowed to ask a Chinese person where the Chinese restaurant is! I mean, aren't we all getting a little too sensitive? I mean, someone asks me which way's Israel, I don't fly off the handle.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Cigar Store Indian
Tagged: Political Correctness, Hypersensitivity, Social Justice, Chinese Restaurants, Israel
“People love cinnamon. It should be on tables at restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime anyone says, ‘Oh This is so good. What's in it?’ The answer invariably comes back: cinnamon. Cinnamon. Again and again.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Dinner Party
Tagged: cinnamon, salt, Pepper
“You see the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around, but they don't know they're ugly, because nobody actually tells them.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Doodle
Tagged: ugliness, Bluntness, Honesty
“OUR LIVES! What kind of lives are these? We're like children. We're not men.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Engagement
Tagged: Immaturity, Pointlessness, Children, Men, Adulthood, Adulting
“I have a vague recollection of doing something with someone, but it was a long, long time ago.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 2: The Deal
Tagged: Sex, Abstinence
“Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 2: The Chinese Restaurant
Tagged: Hunger, Cannibalism
“Why do I always have the feeling that everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Parking Garage
Tagged: Weekends, Boredom
“What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Stranded
Tagged: parties, Hotel Rooms, Bad Guests, Strangers Asking Things Of You
“See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to HOLD the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation—the holding. Anybody can just take them.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Alternate Side
Tagged: Auto Reservations, Keeping Reservations, Holding Reservations, Taking Reservations
“You know, nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes and you hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make an effort.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Mango
Tagged: Sex, Female Orgasm, Effort
“Do the medical journals mention anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Wife
Tagged: Public Urination, Medical Journals
“You see what's going on here? You're attracted to him because he can't remember anything about you.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Secret Code
Tagged: Aloofness, Attraction
“I mean, I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Sponge
Tagged: Sex, Good People, admiration
“All of a sudden it hit me, I realized what the problem is: I can't be with someone like me. I hate myself! If anything, I need to get the exact opposite of me. It's too much. It's too much, I can't take it. I can't take it….”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Invitations
Tagged: Self-hatred, Dating, Opposite, Opposites Attract
“Look, let me just state for the record: I think you're both better than me.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 8: The English Patient
Tagged: Self-deprecation
“What's the deal with lampshades? I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shade?”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Butter Shave
Tagged: Bad Jokes, Lampshade
“She does stink and she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route; years of rejections and failures ’til she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Cartoon
Tagged: comedy, Failed Comedians, Porn Industry, Failure
“Parents never forget a foul-up. I once left a jacket on the bus when I was fourteen. Last week I'm flying to Chicago to do a show, ‘Make sure you hang on to your jacket.’”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Parking Garage
Tagged: Chicago, Parents, forgiveness
“I don’t get you. Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven?”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Suicide
Tagged: laziness, Unemployment, Vacations
“What fun is life if I’m not making jokes all the time? It’s a torture I love.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Howard Stern Comes Again
Tagged: comedy, Fun, Life, Torture
“You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world: ‘I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.’”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pilot
Tagged: Giving Up, Sloppiness, sweatpants, insults, hopeless
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