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Larry David Quotes

Total quotes: 212
“'Bald Asshole?' That's a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 2: Trick or Treat
Tagged: bald, asshole, Hate crime, Group
“Cheryl: That's cute. I'm glad you made a new friend. That's nice. I don't hear that very often from you.

Larry: Oh, and I forgot to mention, he's a sex offender.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 5: The Seder
Tagged: New Friends, Invitation, Sex Offender
“You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going 'excuse me?', 'what was that?'”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Puffy Shirt
Tagged: Low-Talkers
“I did, once, try and stop a woman who was about to get hit by a car. I screamed out 'Watch out!' and she said 'Don't you tell me what to do!'”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 1: The Wire
Tagged: hit by a car, screamed, watch out, Sassy
“Walter: Are you Jewish?

Larry: You wanna check my penis?”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 2: Trick or Treat
Tagged: Jewish, penis, check, examine
“I’ll have a vanilla…one of those vanilla bullshit things. You know, whatever you want, some vanilla bullshit latte cappa thing. Whatever you got.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 2: Shaq
Tagged: Vanilla, coffee order, latte, Struggling
“There's a jetstream of bullshit coming out of your mouth my friend, you are busted buddy!”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 4: The Weatherman
Tagged: jetstream, A lot, Mouth, busted, Lies
“Kramer: You’re becoming one of the glitterati.

George: What’s that?

Kramer: People who glitter.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Race
Tagged: Glitterati
“Elaine: Perhaps there’s more to Newman than meets the eye.

Jerry: No, there’s less.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Big Salad
Tagged: More than Meets The Eye
“Richard: I can't believe you won't help out a blind man.

Larry: I can't believe you said 'blind man' in front of a blind man!”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 1: The Bracelet
Tagged: blind man, help, Deaf, Mix Up
“It's completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career's been based on being unprofessional.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 1: AAMCO
Tagged: unprofessional, Career, Knowledge, Experience
“Cheryl's Dad: 'Devoted sister, beloved cunt?!' That's what you put in the paper?!

Larry: This is a typo! It should be 'aunt!'”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 1: Beloved Aunt
Tagged: devoted sister, paper, death notice, Typo, aunt
“You know I got a great idea for a cologne. The Beach. You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Pez Dispenser
Tagged: cologne, Aromatherapy, Beaches
“It's always great to see a black entrepreneur, isn't it?”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 1: The Pants Tent
Tagged: Great, african american, entrepreneur
“I'm Larry David. I happen to enjoy wearing women's panties.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 7: Officer Krupke
Tagged: enjoy, women's panties, Comfort
“George: She calls me up at my office. She says, ‘We have to talk.’

Jerry: Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.

George: That or ‘Whose bra is this?’

Jerry: That’s worse.”
— George Costanza, Seinfeld, Season 1: The Seinfeld Chronicles
Tagged: We Have To Talk, English Language
“People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Big Salad
Tagged: dates, Shmoopy, PDA
“Well I do hate myself, but it has nothing to do with being Jewish.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 2: Trick or Treat
Tagged: Hate Myself, Jewish, Nothing To Do
“I'm feeling pretty good. Pret-ty, pret-ty, pret-ty, pret-ty good.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 2: The Thong
Tagged: Pretty Good, Feeling
“Jerry: This isn’t a good time.

Telemarketer: When would be a good time to call back, sir?

Jerry: I have an idea, why don’t you give me your home number and I’ll call you back later?

Telemarketer: Umm, we’re not allowed to do that.

Jerry: Oh, I guess because you don’t want strangers calling you at home.

Telemarketer: Umm, no.

Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Pitch
Tagged: Telemarketing, Revenge
“We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like, uh…shaving.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 4: The Contest
Tagged: masturbation, Men
“Is it...? Could it...? Could he have...? IT IS! Poppie peed on my sofa!”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Couch
Tagged: Public Urination
“The woman had an orgasm under false pretenses. That's sexual perjury.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 5: The Mango
Tagged: orgasm, Faking Orgasm
“Do you think it's effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle?”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 2: The Revenge
Tagged: Laundry, Masculinity, Effeminate
“Look, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chip Ahoy, I'm having it.”
— Morty Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Cadillac
Tagged: Chips Ahoy, Cookies, Mortality, Chocolate Chip
“What about drugs? You doing some of that crack cocaine? You on the pipe?”
— George Steinbrenner, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Bottle Deposit
Tagged: Crack, Drugs, Crack Pipe
“Julie: [referring to Larry's movie 'Sour Grapes'] I enjoyed it. It was interesting. It was such a perfect length.

Larry: That's my specialty, length.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 1: AAMCO
Tagged: Movie, interesting, Perfect, Length, speciality
“What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them?”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 1: AAMCO
Tagged: Compulsion, House, Serve, food, Host, talk
“I can't wait to call my parents. They are gonna be so proud of me! When I tell my father I figured out out that navigation system, he's gonna flip his wig! And he's got one too!”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 1: Affirmative Action
Tagged: Parents, Call, proud, navigation, flip his wig, Literally
“Hello, I had sex with my uncle when I was 12. He lived in Great Neck, he was a doctor. An osteopath--I don't even know what they do, but I know they're doctors. Something to do with muscles, I think. Neither here nor there.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 1: The Group
Tagged: Sex, Uncle, Incest, doctor, side tracked, muscles
“I don't like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 3: Chet's Shirt
Tagged: Strangers, talking, Preference, Problem, familiar
“If I pee twenty times a day, I can get through a whole New York Times for God sake!”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 4: The Weatherman
Tagged: peeing, Reading, new york times, Knowledge
“Let me ask you a question. You've slept with a lot of white men, a lot of black men, I'm sure? Is there any discernible difference?”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 4: The Surrogate
Tagged: white, Black, Race, Sex, difference
“Larry: So he hasn't barked at any white people.

Wanda: Exactly. Your dog is racist.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 5: The Bowtie
Tagged: barked, racist, dog
“ I submit that you took that baseball, stashed it in your unusually large vagina, and walked right on out of here!”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 5: The Ski Lift
Tagged: baseball, stolen, large, Vagina
“You're nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 7: Vehicular Fellatio
Tagged: Health, Category, Nothing
“If you’re not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 6: The Kiss Hello
Tagged: East Side, Civil Society
“Jerry. It's L.A. Nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore.”
— Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Finale
Tagged: LA, Los Angeles, Whore
“Just let me ask you something. Is it ‘FebRUary’ or ‘FebUary’? Because I prefer ‘FebUary,’ and what is this ‘ru’?”
— George Steinbrenner, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Nap
Tagged: Pronunciation, february
“The appeal of the posse? The posse has tremendous appeal. Get away from the job, camp out, you're with your friends....Come on, it's a week-long game of hide-and-seek on horseback.”
— Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld, Season 3: The Letter
Tagged: Posses, Male Bonding, camping
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