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Curb Your Enthusiasm Quotes

“If you're gonna be a maniac, pyro's not a good maniac.”
— Jeff Greene, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 1: The Wire
Tagged: Maniac, pyro, not good
“My grandfather had dementia. He wasn't a racist. He thought I was his dead sister, but he wasn't a racist.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 8: Car Periscope
Tagged: grandfather, Dementia, racist, dead sister
“You know how lesbians are. You know what a lesbian brings on a second date, right? A U-Haul.”
— Rosie O'Donnell, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 8: The Bi-Sexual
Tagged: Lesbians, Second Date, U-Haul
“Larry: I'd like to return this, please.

Sales woman: What seems to be the problem?

Larry: You know, it's kinda of half-jacket, half-shirt; half-man, half-beast.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 1: Ted and Mary
Tagged: Return, Problem, jacket, Shirt, Fashion, Man, Beast
“I'm trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 8: The Hero
Tagged: elevate, small talk, medium talk
“Jeff: Seriously, how much would it take for you to see Eat, Pray, Love?

Larry: $3,000.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 8: Vow of Silence
Tagged: Eat Pray Love, Money, cost
“Larry: Yeah. Small price to pay for the best sex that I ever had, anywhere! This woman is amazing.

Marty: So when did your orgasm. When she said she'll fuck the Jew out of you?”
— Marty Funkhouser, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 8: Palestinian Chicken
Tagged: Sex, Amazing, orgasm, Jew
“I'm Larry David. I happen to enjoy wearing women's panties.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 7: Officer Krupke
Tagged: enjoy, women's panties, Comfort
“You know what it is? You're always attracted to someone who doesn't want you, right? Well, here you have somebody who not only doesn't want you... doesn't even acknowledge your right to exist, wants your destruction! That's a turn-on.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 8: Palestinian Chicken
Tagged: attracted, acknowledge, Existence, turn on
“You're nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 7: Vehicular Fellatio
Tagged: Health, Category, Nothing
“My penis is an animal.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 6: The N Word
Tagged: penis, Metaphor Examples, Wild, animal
“Cum's cum.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 6: The Anonymous Donor
Tagged: cum, It is what it is
“You'll go in, he'll be up there, you're down here. Right? He's on top, he's asking you the questions. Then all of a sudden the interview starts, he asks you some questions, you answer some questions ... then you start asking him the questions, and you flip it. Now he's trying to impress you.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 6: The Rat Dog
Tagged: interviews, Questions, impress, flip it, role reversal
“An employee is told that the customer's always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and an asshole.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 6: The Ida Funkhouser Roadside Memorial
Tagged: Employee, customer is always right, Moron, Customer
“Funkhouser knowingly served us penis!”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 6: Meet the Blacks
Tagged: served, Cake, penis
“You know what? Nevermind, alright? I-I'll take my liver out! I'll walk around with a dialysis machine hanging out of me for the rest of my life, no problem!”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 5: The Ski Lift
Tagged: nevermind, Liver, dialysis, sarcastic, no problem
“Larry: So your last name is 'Black?'

Loretta Black: Yes.

Larry: That's like if my last name was 'Jew,' like Larry Jew”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 6: Meet the Blacks
Tagged: Black, Last Name, Jew
“Ben's daughter: Like a rock band?

Larry: Jewish folk music, Jewish folk songs.

Ben's daughter: Oh, like what songs?

Larry: Um..'Gefilte Fish Blues'..'My Freakin' Back is Killin' Me and It's Making It Hard to Kvell.'”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 5: The Ski Lift
Tagged: rock band, Music, jewish folk, Songs
“ I submit that you took that baseball, stashed it in your unusually large vagina, and walked right on out of here!”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 5: The Ski Lift
Tagged: baseball, stolen, large, Vagina
“You got the huge vagina and you're blaming it on the small penis. You know, it's not really necessary.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 5: The Ski Lift
Tagged: Vagina, Huge, small, penis, not necessary, Blame
“See this thing? It's a mezuzah. Got that? And I need you to put it over the door here. This is like a Jewish thing, you know, we put it over the door so every anti-Semite in the neighborhood will know that we live here in case they want to burn down the house.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 5: The Christ Nail
Tagged: mezuzah, Jewish, door , House, Neighborhood
“Cheryl: That's cute. I'm glad you made a new friend. That's nice. I don't hear that very often from you.

Larry: Oh, and I forgot to mention, he's a sex offender.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 5: The Seder
Tagged: New Friends, Invitation, Sex Offender
“Larry: So he hasn't barked at any white people.

Wanda: Exactly. Your dog is racist.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 5: The Bowtie
Tagged: barked, racist, dog
“Look, Wandering Elk or what ever the fuck your name is..”
— Susie Greene, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 4: Wandering Bear
Tagged: name, wandering
“Let me ask you a question. You've slept with a lot of white men, a lot of black men, I'm sure? Is there any discernible difference?”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 4: The Surrogate
Tagged: white, Black, Race, Sex, difference
“There's a jetstream of bullshit coming out of your mouth my friend, you are busted buddy!”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 4: The Weatherman
Tagged: jetstream, A lot, Mouth, busted, Lies
“If I pee twenty times a day, I can get through a whole New York Times for God sake!”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 4: The Weatherman
Tagged: peeing, Reading, new york times, Knowledge
“Larry: Next time you use the bathroom, make sure to keep the seat down.

Nat: What are you pussy-whipped?

Larry: It's not really about her, It's about me, I pee sitting down.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 4: The Weatherman
Tagged: Pee, bathroom, seat down, Whipped, sitting down
“I feel like an idiot holding this skewer.”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 4: Ben's Birthday Party
Tagged: Idiot, skewer, Holding
“Krazee-Eyez Killa (rapping): So you think you gonna cross me, and mess with my shit? Opening your fucking trap, and flapping your lip. Don't fuck with me nigga, or you gonna get dropped. I'll snap off your neck with a crackle and pop.

Larry: Whoa, I like that Rice Krispies thing! ... Crackle and pop!”
— Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 3: Krazee-Eyez Killa
Tagged: rapping, Rap, rice krispies, crackle and pop
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