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Charlie Day Quotes

Total quotes (72)

Charlie Day

Charlie Day

Birthname

AKA Charlie Day

Birthday February 9, 1976

Birthplace New York City, NY, United States

Educated At Merrimack College

Nationality United States Of America

Occupations Television Actor, Film Actor, Screenwriter, Actor

Spouse Mary Elizabeth Ellis

Characters Portrayed

Charlie Kelly

Total quotes (72)

I'll just regress, because I feel I've made myself perfectly redundant.

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 5: Paddy's Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens

Regress Redundant Nonsense

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Dee: I am not a failure!

Mac: Dennis, what is it that you call it when somebody tries to do something but doesn't succeed?

Dennis: Uh, that would in fact be a failure.

— Mac (Rob McElhenney), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 2: Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody's Ass

Failure Fail Sassy Diss

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No no no, that's not gonna help. That's not gonna help and I'll tell you why: It doesn't unbang your Mom.

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 2: Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom

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Just get a job? Why don’t I strap on my job helmet, and squeeze down into a job cannon, AND FIRE OFF INTO JOBLAND, WHERE JOBS GROW ON JOBBIES?!!!

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 3: The Gang Sells Out

Jobs Employment Sarcasm

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Dennis, if I was looking for safe I wouldn't be sticking my dick through a wall.

— Frank Reynolds (Danny DeVito), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 4: Mac and Charlie Die: Part One

Risk Not Safe Walls

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Dennis: Okay, alright what’s your favorite hobby?

Charlie: Uhh…magnets.

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 5: The Waitress Is Getting Married

Hobbies Magnets Weird

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And I don't think you should do just what makes you happy. I think you should do what makes you great.

— Charlie Day, Motivational Videos

Happiness Improvement

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Charlie: Do wasps make honey?

Dennis: No wasps do not make honey.

Charlie: Alright well I'm gonna check it out anyway, there could be something delicious in here that wasps do make and I want that

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 5: The Waitress Is Getting Married

Wasp Bees Honey Exploring Questions

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I eat stickers all the time dude!

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 5: The Gang Hits the Road

Stickers Gross food

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You cannot have a voice without risk of criticism.

— Charlie Day, Motivational Video

Risk Failure motivation

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You do not have to be fearless just don't let fear stop you.

— Charlie Day, Motivational Speeches

Fear Learning Growing

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Principal: I'm a little confused, are you telling me this photo of Bruce Jenner is your resume?

Charlie: Well, when I showed up this morning I didn't have a formal resume on me so I was sort of hoping the photograph of Mr. Jenner could represent the standard of excellence I'm hoping to bring to this position.

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 6: The Gang Gets a New Member

excellence Bruce Jenner resumé Application

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Dennis: Okay you want me to read the script?

Charlie: Yes. And action.

Dennis: I'll read the words you wrote. 'Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot.' What? 'Taxes, they'll be lower. Son. The Democratic vote for me is right thing to do Philadelphia. So do.' This doesn't make any sense!

— Dennis Reynolds (Glenn Howerton), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 2: The Gang Runs for Office

Office elections Speeches Script

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Surprise, bitches! We're alive and it's blowing your minds right now!

— Deandra Reynolds (Kaitlin Olson), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 4: Mac and Charlie Die: Part Two

surprise alive Shock crazy Mind Blown

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I hate listening to people's dreams. It is like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, I just don't care.

— Dennis Reynolds (Glenn Howerton), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 1: The Gang Gets Racist

Dreams Selfish Sex Indifferent Listening

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I'm not asking you to do anything, just turn a blind eye while I rob this place stupid.

— Deandra Reynolds (Kaitlin Olson), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 3: The Gang Sells Out

Robbing blind eye

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Dee: Maybe you shouldn't have your window open!

Mac: maybe you shouldn't be throwing jars of piss out the window!

— Mac (Rob McElhenney), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 5: The Gang Hits the Road

window Piss Gross angry

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Frank: There is nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who is smart and attractive. We have to pretend you're both!

Dee: Wow, That's my dad everyone!

— Frank Reynolds (Danny DeVito), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 2: The Gang Runs for Office

Smart Attractive Women Men Rude

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Dude, it's amazing. Look at this. Bro, you could chop a camel right in the hump and drink all of its milk right off the tip of this thing.

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 3: The Gang Finds A Dumpster Baby

milk Drink Amazing surprise

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Keep singing, bitch! You're not gonna have a face by the time I'm through with you!

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 4: The Nightman Cometh

Singing Anger Threat Mad insults

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Cannibalism? Racism? Dude, that's not for us...those decisions are better left to the suits in Washington. We're just here to eat some dude!

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 4: Mac and Dennis: Manhunters

Cannibalism food Politics Decisions

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Dennis: Lay it on us, bud.

Mac: It involves us pulling up our bootstraps, oiling up a couple of asses, and doing a little plowing of our own. Not gay sex.

— Mac (Rob McElhenney), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 4: The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis

gay Sex Euphomism Hard Work

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Here's a confession: I'm in love with a man. What? I'm in love with a man... a man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha.

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 2: The Gang Exploits A Miracle

Love gay God Religion

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Mac: Do you want to shove heroin into your a?

Charlie: Dude, I don't want to shove anything in my a!

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 2: Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad

butt Drugs Shove

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You wanna talk about stress? You wanna talk about stress?! Okay! I've stumbled onto a major company conspiracy, Mac--how 'bout that for stress?

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 4: Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack

Stress company Conspiracy Stressed Out

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So the Wendy's manager was like 'You gotta clean dat up!' and I was like they're your hamburgers you clean them up. Artemis was all bummed out about something I did to myself with the onions and now she won't talk to me.

— Frank Reynolds (Danny DeVito), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 5: The Waitress Is Getting Married

Clean Up Gross Onions upset

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Dee: Are you actually gonna throw away all your convictions for a chance to get laid?

Dennis: I don't really have any convictions.

— Dennis Reynolds (Glenn Howerton), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 1: Charlie Wants an Abortion

Convictions Sex Laid

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Frank: Anyone want any more catfish?

Charlie: Yo dude. Definitely give me another one of those. They're delicious. And you can taste that sort of endangered tang...

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 6: The Gang Buys a Boat

Endangered food Catfish

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Mac: Hey bro, how'd you lose your hand?

Sailor: Diabetes.

Mac: That's not much of an adventure is it? Kind of tragic.

— Mac (Rob McElhenney), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 6: The Gang Buys a Boat

Diabetes hand tragic Adventure

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Just so I'm clear, you don't actually think things are going to come alive because you're spending the night in museum, right?

— Deandra Reynolds (Kaitlin Olson), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 6: Who Got Dee Pregnant

Night At Museum alive Movie

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Dee: How could you not tell me you were gay?

Terrell: I'm a musical theater actor living in Philadelphia! I didn't think it was that big a secret.

— Deandra Reynolds (Kaitlin Olson), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 1: The Gang Gets Racist

gay Musical Theatre actor Secret Sassy

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Frank: Hey! I killed a deer, I should get to eat it. That's the natural order.

Mac: Wait, you shot a deer?

Frank: That's right! A ten point buck!

— Frank Reynolds (Danny DeVito), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 4: Mac and Dennis: Manhunters

Deer shot Natural Order food

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It's when you drink so much that everything goes brown. It's not as severe as a black out because I remember bits and pieces. I call it browning out.

— Mac (Rob McElhenney), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 6: Who Got Dee Pregnant

Black Out Drinking Drunk Alcohol Browning Out

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If animals have taught me anything, it's that you can easily die and very quickly under a bus and on the side of the road.

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 6: The Gang Gets Stranded in the Woods

Animals Death bus Road Kill

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And people will tell you what do what makes you happy but a lot of this has been hard work.

— Charlie Day, Motivational Videos

Happiness Follow Your Dreams

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As best we know, we have one life. In it you have to trust your own voice, your own ideas, your own honesty, your vulnerability and through this you will find your way.

— Charlie Day, Motivational Videos

Success Failure

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Dee: Those goddam North Koreans.

Dennis: They are some sneaky bastards.

— Dennis Reynolds (Glenn Howerton), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 3: The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation

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You cannot let fear of failure or fear of comparison or fear of judgement, stop you from doing what's going to make you great.

— Charlie Day, Motivational Video

Commencement Speech Motivational Speech

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Do what makes you uncomfortable and scary and hard, but it will pay off in the long run.

— Charlie Day, Motivational Videos

Scared Fear Hard Work

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Be willing to fail. Let yourself fail. Fail in the way in the place where you would want to fail.

— Charlie Day, Motivational Videos

Failing Success motivation

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Live like this the best you can. And I guarantee you will look back at a life well lived.

— Charlie Day, Motivational Videos

Best Life motivation Goals

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Oh my God! I will...I will smash your face into- into a jelly!

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 1: Charlie Wants an Abortion

Anger Violence Frustration jelly

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I'm cracking eggs of wisdom!

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 1: Charlie Has Cancer

eggs Wisdom Problem Solving

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Masturbating Bums are bad for Business.

— Frank Reynolds (Danny DeVito), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 3: Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City

Bums masturbation Business

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I am going to smack everyone into tiny...little...pieces!

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 4: The Nightman Cometh

Anger Frustration Smack annoyed

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Glue is for huffing, dude!

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 3: Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person

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Charlie: Ohhhhhhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked 'Pirate?' You think a pirate lives in there?

Dennis: I see a door marked 'Private.' Is that the door you're talking about?

— Dennis Reynolds (Glenn Howerton), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 3: The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation

Sassy Pirate private mistake

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Yeah! Yeah, that's the classic setup. You know this, no? Look, every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic, right? Looks, brains, wildcard. Think about it! The A-team did it. Scooby Doo did it. The Ghostbusters did it!

— Mac (Rob McElhenney), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 4: The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis

Team Setup Dynamic looks Brain Wildcard

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Dennis: No, I'm not going to talk in a southern accent. It's bad enough that you wore this stupid 'disguise.'

Charlie: But we're oil men! We would have southern accents.

Dennis: Yeah, but we don't need bolo ties and stupid hats.

— Dennis Reynolds (Glenn Howerton), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 4: The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis

oil Southern Accent Bolo Ties Disguise

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Dennis: This Jew's in for a ton of work.

Mac: Come on, man! You can't say things like that!

Dennis: I don't know what I said. What'd I say?

Charlie: Uh, you dropped a hard 'J' on us.

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 2: The Gang Goes Jihad

Jewish Sassy Shock

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Charlie: Okay, okay. First of all, there are people out there who actually have been molested and you guys are going to exploit that for your own personal gain? You jackholes are securing your places in hell.

Ryan: We've thought about it. We're willing to roll the dice.

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 1: Charlie Got Molested

Molested Hell Chance Personal Gain

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You know what dude, hear me out for a second okay. Now technically, that stain did appear to me. Also I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is. So, am I the messiah? I don't know, I could be, I'm not ruling it out

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 2: The Gang Exploits A Miracle

jesus father Messiah Questioning

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The acid's makin' me feel like I gotta take a dump.

— Frank Reynolds (Danny DeVito), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 3: The Gang Gets Invincible

Drugs Poop Acid

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Mac, I'm gonna stop you right there. First of all, your breath smells like an old-lady fart passing through an onion. Secondly, I know you're trying to manipulate me. And it's not going to work. Get your hand off my shoulder because I've got a fatty to burn.

— Deandra Reynolds (Kaitlin Olson), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 3: The Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty Magoo

Sassy manipulation Smell Diss

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I don't wanna see you or your dirty balls in my alley again!

— Deandra Reynolds (Kaitlin Olson), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 3: Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City

balls Bums dirt Yelling mean

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Domino, biatch!

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 1: The Gang Gets Racist

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Of course I'm gonna explode. You think I'm not gonna explode?

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 4: Mac and Charlie Die: Part One

Explode Overreact crazy

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[trying to say philanthropist] I'm a full-on-rapist.

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 5: The Waitress Is Getting Married

accident Misspoke

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You must go out there and take these risks.

— Charlie Day, Motivational Speeches

Risk Relationship

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Fail. Pick yourself up and fail again.

— Charlie Day, Motivational Videos

Failing Success

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You cannot love without the risk of loss.

— Charlie Day, Motivational Videos

Risk Love Loss And Love

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But my lesson is I don't give a shit.

— Charlie Day, Motivational Videos

It's Always Sunny Commencement Speeches Motivational

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You cannot succeed without risk of failure.

— Charlie Day, Motivational Video

Motivational Speeches Success

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Without this struggle what is your success anyway.

— Charlie Day, Motivational Videos

Struggle Success Failing

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Frank: You gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole. You gotta pay the troll toll to get in. You want this baby boy's hole, you gotta pay the troll toll.

Charlie: Stop, stop, stop. All right not bad, good rhythm, love the enthusiasm. I feel like you're saying 'boy's hole', and it's clearly 'soul.'

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 4: The Nightman Cometh

Mistakes Troll Hole Musical

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I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little butt, I'm gonna to kick some butt in the U.S.A., gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little butt. ROCK, FLAG, and EAGLE!!

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 2: Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody's Ass

USA Kick Butt Eagle Patriotic Flag

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Charlie: Okay, okay, uh I just killed three very large rats that were stuck in glue traps.

Dennis: Good work.

Charlie: No, no, no. That's not good trap. I'm done with rat detail. That's by far the worst job in the bar.

Dennis: That's why we call it Charlie Work

— Dennis Reynolds (Glenn Howerton), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 2: Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody's Ass

Work Grunt Work Job Roles task

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I was that little boy, that little baby boy was me! I once was a boy, but now I'm a man! I fought the Nightman, lived as Dayman, now I'm here to ask for your hand, so if you are too merry m'am will you marry me? Will you come on stage and join me in this thing called matrimony? Please say yes and do not bone me, please just marry me!

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 4: The Nightman Cometh

Marriage Proposal stage Matrimony

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Charlie: I'll pull a Good Will Hunting. What's your major dude?

Frat Boy: Economics

Charlie: (In Boston accent) Oh, I bet you read a lotta Gordon Wood, huh? You read your Gordon Wood and you regurgitate it from a textbook and you think you're wicked awesome doin' that, And how 'bout' dem apples? And all that Gordon Wood business.

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 5: The Gang Reignites the Rivalry

Good Will Hunting Economics Smart Impressive

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Dennis: The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy top side, so we can take them to a nice comfortable place below deck, and you know, they can't refuse...because of the implication.

Mac: Okay you had me goin' there for the first half. The second half kinda threw me.

Dennis: Well dude, think about it. She's out in the middle of nowhere, with some dude she barely knows. She looks around and what does she see? Nothing but open ocean. 'Ah there's nowhere for me to run! What am I gonna do, say no?'

Mac: Okay. That seems really dark.

— Dennis Reynolds (Glenn Howerton), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 6: The Gang Buys a Boat

creepy boat Ladies Sex dark Implication

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Mac: I do not even understand the smell coming from your body, dude.

Charlie: Oh my God, dude, relax. Dude, I forgot to put on deodorant, okay?

Mac: I have never once, never once seen you wear deodorant, Charlie, never once.

Charlie: Yeah well, you never seen me once wash my testicles either but that doesn't mean I don't do it every Friday.

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 3: The Gang Dances Their Asses Off

Smells Deodorant Washing testicles

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Charlie: [in a wheelchair and army vet attire] This costume, the chicks is gonna go crazy all over it.

Frank: Maybe you should let me do all the talking.

Charlie: No, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. So watch and learn.

Stripper: Awww, look at you sweetie, what happened?

Charlie: [shouting] Viet--nam's what happened! Go get me a beer, bitch!

— Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 2: Charlie Gets Crippled

War Wheelchair Pity

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