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All Quotes tagged Absurd(45)

Tonight, when I'm cookin' that chili, I'll cut up this cauliflower, and we'll tell them we've got rabbit brains in there.

— Tim Taylor (Tim Allen), Home Improvement, Season 1: Flying Sauces

chili cauliflower rabbit brains Absurd Gross

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If my dog had your face, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards!

— Maxwell Klinger (Jamie Farr), MAS*H, Season 5: End Run

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We're not friends. We've never been friends. It's like talking to a steak.

— Nicky (Molly Gordon), Animal Kingdom, Season 2: The Leopard

Friends Steak Absurd

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It is, therefore, no argument against ceremonial magic to say that it is ‘absurd’ to try to raise a thunderstorm by beating a drum; it is not even fair to say that you have tried the experiment, found it would not work, and so perceived it to be ‘impossible.’ You might as well claim that, as you had taken paint and canvas, and not produced a Rembrandt, it was evident that the pictures attributed to his painting were really produced in quite a different way.

— Aleister Crowley, Magical and Philosophical Commentaries on The Book of the Law

Rembrandt Superstition Absurd

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It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.

— Steven Wright

Foreign Languages Loneliness Absurd Surreal

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I need one of those baby monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

— Steven Wright

Baby Monitors Subconscious Surreal Absurd

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I woke up one morning, [my girlfriend] asked me if I slept good. I said, ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’

— Steven Wright

Insomnia Sleeping Absurd Misunderstanding

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A lot of people are afraid of heights; not me, I'm afraid of widths.

— Steven Wright, A Steven Wright Special (1985)

Fear of Heights Fear of Widths Absurd Surreal

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I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

— Steven Wright

Absurd Surreal Powdered Water

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Sometimes you can't hear me, it's because sometimes I'm in parentheses.

— Steven Wright

Parentheses Surreal bizarre Absurd

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Everywhere is walking distance if you've got the time.

— Steven Wright, A Steven Wright Special (1985)

Walking Distance Absurd

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I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

— Steven Wright

Museums Surreal Absurd

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When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.

— Steven Wright, via en.wikiquote.org

Dictionary Long Form Poetry Absurd

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Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

— Steven Wright, via en.wikiquote.org

Curiosity Cliches Absurd

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I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

— Steven Wright, via en.wikiquote.org

Seashells Seashore Absurd Surreal

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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint...it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

— Steven Wright, via en.wikiquote.org

Surreal Absurd Hardware Store Batteries

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You never know what you have until it’s gone, and I wanted to know what I had, so I got rid of everything.

— Steven Wright, Steven Wright, master of meh: 'This is just how I talk. It accidentally went well with the jokes'

One-Liners Zen Absurd Surreal Deadpan Standup Comics

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It ain't over till it's over.

— Yogi Berra, The Yogi Book

Over Zen Absurd Koan

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When you see a fork in the road...Take It!!

— Yogi Berra, The Yogi Book

Absurd Zen Koan

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75% of baseball is mental; the other half is physical.

— Yogi Berra, Yogi Berra's Baseball Book: The Game and How to Play It

baseball mental physical Absurd Zen Koan

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If you don't know where you are going, you will end up somewhere else.

— Yogi Berra, The Yogi Book

Zen Absurd Koan

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No matter where you go, there you are,

— Yogi Berra, When You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It!: Inspiration and Wisdom from One of Baseball's Greatest Heroes

Absurd Zen Koan

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I think it better to keep a profound silence with regard to the Christian fables, which are canonized by their antiquity and the credulity of absurd and insipid people.

— Frederick the Great, via en.wikiquote.org

Christianity Anti-Christianity Antiquity Absurd Credulity

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Breakfast food can serve many purposes.

— Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman), Parks and Recreation, Season 5: Leslie vs. April

Absurd Breakfast Food

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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

— Mitch Hedberg, via twitter.com

Absurd tennis Sports Absurd clever Funny

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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

— Mitch Hedberg, via twitter.com

Absurd tennis Sports Absurd clever Funny

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What would happen if you put hand lotion on your feet? Would your feet get confused and start clapping?

— Ellen Degeneres, The Side of Ellen DeGeneres You Don't Know

Hand Lotion Foot Lotion Absurd

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Uh... y-y-yes. Y-You got me. To grant your wish, I will have to fill you with the energy of a thousand partying demons. You will become so overloaded with party energy that you'll demolish everything in your path! [blasts Jake with a beam from his mouth].

— Adam Muto and Rebecca Sugar, Adventure Time, Season 2: Power Animal

wishes Demons Absurd

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Drop ball is an extremely addictive high-intensity game designed for people everywhere.

— Ghost Man (Steve Little), Adventure Time, Season 2: Blood Under the Skin

Drop Ball Absurd

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Ladies and gentlemen—and Princess...I'm here to talk about multidimensional bubbles! But I am not just going to talk about blowing bubbles—I’m going to blow...your...minds.

— Finn the Human (Jeremy Shada), Adventure Time, Season 1: Henchman

Multidimensional bubbles Blow Your Mind Absurd

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Hey, Princess Bubblegum, when we bring the dead back to life, will they be filled with worms?

— Finn the Human (Jeremy Shada), Adventure Time, Season 1: Slumber Party Panic

Absurd Resurrection

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If I find myself falling in love with you, I'll yell 'banana slug,' and you can head for the hills.

— Luke O’Neil (Jahi Di'Allo Winston), Everything Sucks!, Season 1: What the Hell's a Zarginda?

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Wow, running with a coffee table's hard. No wonder no one does that.

— Teddy, Bob's Burgers, Season 8: The Wolf of Wharf Street

Exhausted Coffee Tables Absurd

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‘Danger’ is my middle name. But I spell it R-U-T-H.

— Tina Belcher (voice) (Dan Mintz), Bob's Burgers, Season 4: Presto Tina-O

danger Ruth Absurd Anti-Jokes

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Bob: [addressing a large pot] Duval, is that you in there?

Duval: [from the pot] No one's in this pot. Go away. I am the spaghetti.

— Bob Belcher (H. Jon Benjamin), Bob's Burgers, Season 3: Mutiny on the Windbreaker

Absurd spaghetti Hiding Cowering

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It's all a little absurd, I guess. Truth is I know I'm going to hell. Prayer just makes my time here a little less miserable. A few good acts of contrition can make you feel good too, love.

— Cameron Hayes (Jamie McShane), Sons of Anarchy, Season 1: Better Half

prayer Acts of Contrition Miserable Hell Absurd

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Crack an egg on your head. Let the yolk drip down.

— Mr. Peanutbutter (Paul F. Tompkins), BoJack Horseman, Season 3: Brrap Brrap Pew Pew

Absurd Things To Do With Eggs

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It is no paradox to say that although comparatively weak the new-born nation was intrinsically strong.

— Franklin Pierce, A Compilation of the Messages and Papers of the Presidents, Volume 7

Paradox Absurd Contradiction contradictory nation Strong strength Society

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Remember, licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets.

— Spongebob Squarepants (Tom Kenny), SpongeBob SquarePants, Season 3: The Bully

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There is latent homophobia in our community. They tried to say that being gay is a sin, and I said that adultery is a sin. Adultery is responsible for breaking up more marriages, but do we put that in the Constitution? It's absurd.

— Al Sharpton, Sharpton Pledges Fight Against Homophobia Among Blacks

Homophobia Community gay Adultery Sin Marriage Constitution Absurd Sexual Orientation identify

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We are living in an interminable succession of absurdities imposed by the myopic logic of short-term thinking.

— Jacques Cousteau, via www.goodreads.com

Life Absurd Logic short term Wisdom Thoughts plans

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I have things in my head that are not like what anyone taught me — shapes and ideas so near to me, so natural to my way of being and thinking.

— Georgia O’Keeffe, via www.goodreads.com

Things Thoughts Knowledge Absurd unique Creativity Art

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So the odds are on my side. I will live forever. Unless something weird happens. Like dying.

— James Altucher, 10 Things I Do To Guarantee Failure For Myself And Others

Life Living Forever Dying Death Absurd

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The answer to every problem involved penguins.

— Rick Riordan, The Thrones of Fire

Penguins Absurd Absurd Problem Solving Involving Penquins

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The absurd is born of this confrontation between the human need and the unreasonable silence of the world.

— Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus: And Other Essays

Absurdity Absurd No Answer From The World

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