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Absurd
(47)
Is that a llama with a hammer?
—
Joan Baxter
(Lauren Graham)
,
Evan Almighty
llama
Hammer
Absurd
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Jack
:
[referring to Cal]
Do you love him?
Rose
: Pardon me?
Jack
: Do you love him?
Rose
: Well, you're being very rude. You shouldn't be asking me this.
Jack
:
[amused, referring to Cal]
Well, it's a simple question. Do you love the guy or not?
Rose
: This is not a suitable conversation.
Jack
: Why can't you just answer the question?
Rose
: This is absurd. I don't know you and you don't know me and we are not having this conversation at all. You are rude and uncouth, and presumptuous, and I am leaving now.
[starts shaking Jack's hand]
Jack... Mister Dawson, it's been a pleasure. I've sought you out to thank you, and now I have thanked you.
Jack
: And even insulted me.
Rose
: Well, you deserved it.
Jack
: Right.
Rose
: Right.
Jack
:
[Rose is still shaking his hand]
I thought you were leaving.
Rose
:
[turns to leave]
I am. You are so annoying.
Jack
: Ha, ha.
Rose
:
[turns back to Jack]
Wait, I don't have to leave, this is my part of the ship. You leave.
Jack
: Oh ho, ho, well well well, now who's being rude?
—
Jack Dawson
(Leonardo Dicaprio)
,
Titanic
Love
Absurd
Rude
Annoying
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Tonight, when I'm cookin' that chili, I'll cut up this cauliflower, and we'll tell them we've got rabbit brains in there.
—
Tim Taylor
(Tim Allen)
,
Home Improvement
,
Season 1
:
Flying Sauces
chili
cauliflower
rabbit brains
Absurd
Gross
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If my dog had your face, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards!
—
Maxwell Klinger
(Jamie Farr)
,
M*A*S*H
,
Season 5
:
End Run
Absurd
Share
We're not friends. We've never been friends. It's like talking to a steak.
—
Nicky
(Molly Gordon)
,
Animal Kingdom
,
Season 2
:
The Leopard
Friends
Steak
Absurd
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It is, therefore, no argument against ceremonial magic to say that it is ‘absurd’ to try to raise a thunderstorm by beating a drum; it is not even fair to say that you have tried the experiment, found it would not work, and so perceived it to be ‘impossible.’ You might as well claim that, as you had taken paint and canvas, and not produced a Rembrandt, it was evident that the pictures attributed to his painting were really produced in quite a different way.
—
Aleister Crowley
,
Magical and Philosophical Commentaries on The Book of the Law
Rembrandt
Superstition
Absurd
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It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.
—
Steven Wright
Foreign Languages
Loneliness
Absurd
Surreal
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I need one of those baby monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
—
Steven Wright
Baby Monitors
Subconscious
Surreal
Absurd
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I woke up one morning,
[my girlfriend]
asked me if I slept good. I said, ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’
—
Steven Wright
Insomnia
Sleeping
Absurd
Misunderstanding
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A lot of people are afraid of heights; not me, I'm afraid of widths.
—
Steven Wright
,
A Steven Wright Special (1985)
Fear of Heights
Fear of Widths
Absurd
Surreal
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I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
—
Steven Wright
Absurd
Surreal
Powdered Water
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Sometimes you can't hear me, it's because sometimes I'm in parentheses.
—
Steven Wright
Parentheses
Surreal
bizarre
Absurd
Share
Everywhere is walking distance if you've got the time.
—
Steven Wright
,
A Steven Wright Special (1985)
Walking Distance
Absurd
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I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
—
Steven Wright
Museums
Surreal
Absurd
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When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.
—
Steven Wright
,
via en.wikiquote.org
Dictionary
Long Form Poetry
Absurd
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Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
—
Steven Wright
,
via en.wikiquote.org
Curiosity
Cliches
Absurd
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I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.
—
Steven Wright
,
via en.wikiquote.org
Seashells
Seashore
Absurd
Surreal
Share
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint...it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
—
Steven Wright
,
via en.wikiquote.org
Surreal
Absurd
Hardware Store
Batteries
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You never know what you have until it’s gone, and I wanted to know what I had, so I got rid of everything.
—
Steven Wright
,
Steven Wright, master of meh: 'This is just how I talk. It accidentally went well with the jokes'
One-Liners
Zen
Absurd
Surreal
Deadpan
Standup Comics
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It ain't over till it's over.
—
Yogi Berra
,
The Yogi Book
Over
Zen
Absurd
Koan
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When you see a fork in the road...Take It!!
—
Yogi Berra
,
The Yogi Book
Absurd
Zen
Koan
Share
75% of baseball is mental; the other half is physical.
—
Yogi Berra
,
Yogi Berra's Baseball Book: The Game and How to Play It
baseball
mental
physical
Absurd
Zen
Koan
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If you don't know where you are going, you will end up somewhere else.
—
Yogi Berra
,
The Yogi Book
Zen
Absurd
Koan
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No matter where you go, there you are,
—
Yogi Berra
,
When You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It!: Inspiration and Wisdom from One of Baseball's Greatest Heroes
Absurd
Zen
Koan
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I think it better to keep a profound silence with regard to the Christian fables, which are canonized by their antiquity and the credulity of absurd and insipid people.
—
Frederick the Great
,
via en.wikiquote.org
Christianity
Anti-Christianity
Antiquity
Absurd
Credulity
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Breakfast food can serve many purposes.
—
Ron Swanson
(Nick Offerman)
,
Parks and Recreation
,
Season 5
:
Leslie vs. April
Absurd
Breakfast Food
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
—
Mitch Hedberg
,
via twitter.com
Absurd
tennis
Sports
Absurd
clever
Funny
Share
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
—
Mitch Hedberg
,
via twitter.com
Absurd
tennis
Sports
Absurd
clever
Funny
Share
What would happen if you put hand lotion on your feet? Would your feet get confused and start clapping?
—
Ellen Degeneres
,
The Side of Ellen DeGeneres You Don't Know
Hand Lotion
Foot Lotion
Absurd
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Uh... y-y-yes. Y-You got me. To grant your wish, I will have to fill you with the energy of a thousand partying demons. You will become so overloaded with party energy that you'll demolish everything in your path!
[blasts Jake with a beam from his mouth]
.
—
Adam Muto
and
Rebecca Sugar
,
Adventure Time
,
Season 2
:
Power Animal
wishes
Demons
Absurd
Share
Drop ball is an extremely addictive high-intensity game designed for people everywhere.
—
Ghost Man
(Steve Little)
,
Adventure Time
,
Season 2
:
Blood Under the Skin
Drop Ball
Absurd
Share
Ladies and gentlemen—and Princess...I'm here to talk about multidimensional bubbles! But I am not just going to talk about blowing bubbles—I’m going to blow...your...
minds
.
—
Finn the Human
(Jeremy Shada)
,
Adventure Time
,
Season 1
:
Henchman
Multidimensional bubbles
Blow Your Mind
Absurd
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Hey, Princess Bubblegum, when we bring the dead back to life, will they be filled with worms?
—
Finn the Human
(Jeremy Shada)
,
Adventure Time
,
Season 1
:
Slumber Party Panic
Absurd
Resurrection
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If I find myself falling in love with you, I'll yell 'banana slug,' and you can head for the hills.
—
Luke O’Neil
(Jahi Di'Allo Winston)
,
Everything Sucks!
,
Season 1
:
What the Hell's a Zarginda?
Absurd
Random
Share
Wow, running with a coffee table's hard. No wonder no one does that.
—
Teddy
,
Bob's Burgers
,
Season 8
:
The Wolf of Wharf Street
Exhausted
Coffee Tables
Absurd
Share
‘Danger’ is my middle name. But I spell it R-U-T-H.
—
Tina Belcher (voice)
(Dan Mintz)
,
Bob's Burgers
,
Season 4
:
Presto Tina-O
danger
Ruth
Absurd
Anti-Jokes
Share
Bob:
[addressing a large pot]
Duval, is that you in there?
Duval:
[from the pot]
No one's in this pot. Go away. I am the spaghetti.
—
Bob Belcher
(H. Jon Benjamin)
,
Bob's Burgers
,
Season 3
:
Mutiny on the Windbreaker
Absurd
spaghetti
Hiding
Cowering
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It's all a little absurd, I guess. Truth is I know I'm going to hell. Prayer just makes my time here a little less miserable. A few good acts of contrition can make you feel good too, love.
—
Cameron Hayes
(Jamie McShane)
,
Sons of Anarchy
,
Season 1
:
Better Half
prayer
Acts of Contrition
Miserable
Hell
Absurd
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Crack an egg on your head. Let the yolk drip down.
—
Mr. Peanutbutter
(Paul F. Tompkins)
,
BoJack Horseman
,
Season 3
:
Brrap Brrap Pew Pew
Absurd
Things To Do With Eggs
Share
It is no paradox to say that although comparatively weak the new-born nation was intrinsically strong.
—
Franklin Pierce
,
A Compilation of the Messages and Papers of the Presidents, Volume 7
Paradox
Absurd
Contradiction
contradictory
nation
Strong
strength
Society
Share
Remember, licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets.
—
Spongebob Squarepants
(Tom Kenny)
,
SpongeBob SquarePants
,
Season 3
:
The Bully
Absurd
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There is latent homophobia in our community. They tried to say that being gay is a sin, and I said that adultery is a sin. Adultery is responsible for breaking up more marriages, but do we put that in the Constitution? It's absurd.
—
Al Sharpton
,
Sharpton Pledges Fight Against Homophobia Among Blacks
Homophobia
Community
gay
Adultery
Sin
Marriage
Constitution
Absurd
Sexual Orientation
identify
Share
We are living in an interminable succession of absurdities imposed by the myopic logic of short-term thinking.
—
Jacques Cousteau
,
via www.goodreads.com
Life
Absurd
Logic
short term
Wisdom
Thoughts
plans
Share
I have things in my head that are not like what anyone taught me — shapes and ideas so near to me, so natural to my way of being and thinking.
—
Georgia O’Keeffe
,
via www.goodreads.com
Things
Thoughts
Knowledge
Absurd
unique
Creativity
Art
Share
So the odds are on my side. I will live forever. Unless something weird happens. Like dying.
—
James Altucher
,
10 Things I Do To Guarantee Failure For Myself And Others
Life
Living
Forever
Dying
Death
Absurd
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The answer to every problem involved penguins.
—
Rick Riordan
,
The Thrones of Fire
Penguins
Absurd
Absurd Problem Solving
Involving Penquins
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The absurd is born of this confrontation between the human need and the unreasonable silence of the world.
—
Albert Camus
,
The Myth of Sisyphus: And Other Essays
Absurdity
Absurd
No Answer From The World
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