TV Quotes / Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman

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Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman

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Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman

Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman is an American soap opera parody that aired in daily syndication from January 1976 to May 1977. The series was produced by Norman Lear, directed by Joan Darling and Jim Drake, and starred Louise Lasser. The series writers were G...

Number Of Seasons:	2
Created By:	Ann Marcus, Daniel Gregory Browne, Jerry Adelman, Gail Parent, Norman Lear
Status:	Ended
Genres:	Drama, Soap, Comedy
User Score (votes):	7 / 10 (2)

DirectorJim Drake

DirectorJoan Darling

ProducerNorman Lear

Writers often seen in this show:

Ann Marcus, Jerry Adelman, Mary Kay Place

Last Updated: 2018-08-02

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About the author

This page was created by our editorial team. Each page is manually curated, researched, collected, and issued by our staff writers. Quotes contained on this page have been double checked for their citations, their accuracy and the impact it will have on our readers.

Kelly Peacock is an accomplished poet and social media expert based in Brooklyn, New York. Kelly has a Bachelor's degree in creative writing from Farieligh Dickinson University and has contributed to many literary and cultural publications. Kelly assists on a wide variety of quote inputting and social media functions for Quote Catalog. Visit her personal website here.

Kendra Syrdal is a writer, editor, partner, and senior publisher for The Thought & Expression Company. Over the last few years she has been personally responsible for writing, editing, and producing over 30+ million pageviews on Thought Catalog.

Total quotes (20)

I can't believe it. Loretta's never gonna walk again. Tom and Mae and Mary all have venereal disease, not to mention Frank Garth, who I don't even know. And we don't have any calmatives in the house. It's beginning to sound like a soap opera.

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 026

soap opera venereal disease STD

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Charlie Haggers: You really planning to sell that fella's song for him in Nashville?

Loretta Haggers: Yeah, I got to, y'know, I gave him my word.

Charlie Haggers: That's a terrible song! And after what he had in mind to do to you.

Loretta Haggers: Oh, honey, both he and his song are just sickeningly tacky, you know? But I tell you, dear, when a man gives you a choice between sellin' his song or rapin' ya, I'm gonna pick sellin' his song!

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 024

Nashville Music Industry Sexual Harassment Bad Choices

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Loretta Haggers: [regains consciousness, groggy] What happened?

Charlie Haggers: Oh, honey, we had an accident, hit a station wagon full of nuns.

Loretta Haggers: A station wagon full of nuns? Is that a sin?

Charlie Haggers: Well, baby, if you're Catholic, but we're not Catholic.

Loretta Haggers: Oh, good. I mean, you know, under the circumstances and everything, no offense to the Catholics.

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 024

Nuns Catholic Sin

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Sgt. Foley: Are you a little nervous?

Mary Hartman: No. Why, do I seem a little nervous? No, I'm not, I'm not nervous. Why, because I'm a married woman having a cocktail in a cocktail lounge in the middle of the afternoon with a good looking person?

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 020

Nervous Cheating Infidelity cocktail bar

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Charlie Haggers: I wouldn't take no trip without some kind of protection. You never know what's lurkin' around out there, Loretta. I mean, be prepared, that's my motto. Be prepared.

Loretta Haggers: Isn't that somebody else's motto, too?

Charlie Haggers: The Boy Scouts of America. They don't fool around, neither.

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 021

be prepared boy scouts of america

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Mary Hartman: As far as I'm concerned, you can have Tom if you want him.

Mae Olinski: [gasps] Do you really mean that?

Mary Hartman: Yes, I do. You see, I don't want him anymore, and there's no sense in letting him go to waste.

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 029

Breakups Cheating Divorce

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Mary Hartman: Oh, poor Davey.

Sergeant Dennis Foley: Mary, he's a mass murderer. He murdered the entire Lombardi family, plus their two goats and eight chickens.

Mary Hartman: I know, but aside from that he's such a nice boy. I mean, I wish there was something I could do for him.

Sergeant Dennis Foley: Mary, You're too good-hearted.

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 023

Mass Murder Killer Empathy misplaced empathy

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Mary Hartman: Where's Grandpa?

Martha Shumway: Watching Years of Our Days to Live. It's his favorite.

Mary Hartman: Oh, I don't like that one.

Martha Shumway: No?

Mary Hartman: No, all the girls look alike, and they're all divorced, and all the husbands fool around with someone at work. I like a more realistic program where everybody's happy.

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 008

Soap Operas Realism Reality TV Irony

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I don't know what this argument is between you and Tom, but I do know this: even if you are miserable living with him, it's the only way you're gonna be happy!

— Martha Shumway (Dody Goodman), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 020

Marriage Misery Happiness

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Tom Hartman: I want to tell you something, too.

Mae Olinski: Yeah?

Tom Hartman: You know I'm married?

Mae Olinski: To your wife, right?

Tom Hartman: To my wife. Does it make a difference?

Mae Olinski: Sure, it makes a difference. But like they say, nobody's perfect.
[Tom and Mae break into laughter and exit the bar]

— Tom Hartman (Greg Mullavey), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 010

Cheating Marriage Nobody's Perfect

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Mary Hartman: [Davey has a pistol pressed against Mary's head] Is that a real gun, Davey? It's not real, is it? What is that, a little toy, little water cap pistol?

Davey: No, it's real.

Mary Hartman: Oh, it is real. Oh. See, I saw this skit on The Howard Cosell Show once. It was a hilarious skit. Tina Louise had a gun, and she took out her gun, and she pulled the trigger, and a sign came out that said 'Bang!' Isn't that hilarious, Davey? Does yours have a sign, Davey? It does, doesn't it?
[Davey points pistol at ceiling and fires, plaster rains down on Mary's head] It's real.

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 014

Tina Louise Howard Cosell Toy Gun

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Charlie, honey, you gotta quit treating me like I'm some puny little heifer, honey, just 'cause I'm the teensiest littlest bit pregnant. Now, listen, I come from very hardy stock. A half hour before my grandmother birthed her thirteenth young'un, she was unloading 100-pound bags of fertilizer off the pickup.

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 019

Country Folk Pickup Truck Pregnancy

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Let me tell you about guilt. It's like crime, it doesn't pay.

— Mae Olinski (Salome Jens), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 011

Crime Guilt crime doesn't pay

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Loretta Haggers: Y'know, Mary's been seeming kind of piqued lately, and I think I just stumbled on the truth of it. Mary Hartman ain't gettin' enough Vitamin L from her man Tom.

Charlie Haggers: Vitamin L?

Loretta Haggers: Vitamin Love. I think I oughtta write a song about that.

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 005

Vitamin L Love Vitamin Love Country Music

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Tom Hartman: Did you think I was sexy then?

Mary Hartman: Yeah, you were. You were just like Johnny Carson. You were just all boyish and proud of yourself.

Tom Hartman: He's a comedian. I'm a Robert Redford, huh?

Mary Hartman: [thinks a moment] Johnny Carson.

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 003

Johnny Carson Robert Redford comedian actor Handsome Boyish Backhanded Compliments

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Harold Clemens: [Referring to high school] I'm sure you were very attractive.

Mary Hartman: [Charmed] Really? [Changing her tone] What do you think happened to me?

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 003

high school Aging Attractive Backhanded Compliments

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Oh, Charlie, you make me feel bigger than Janis Joplin! When she was alive, that is.

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 003

janis joplin Postmortem

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Loretta Haggers: [Referring to the Lombardi family] Someone just shot 'em.

Mary Hartman: Oh my God. The whole family?

Loretta Haggers: All five of them, plus two goats and eight chickens.

Mary Hartman: I can't believe that. What kind of a madman would shoot two goats and eight chickens. [after a pause] And the people...the people, of course.

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 001

Murder goats Chickens Animal Lovers

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Mary Hartman: It was a wonderful book. It was guaranteed to improve my emotional health.

Harold Clemens: Did it improve your emotional health?

Mary Hartman: I think so, I definitely think so. You see, it was while I was reading that book that I realized that I needed glasses, and that made me feel much better.

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 003

Reading eyeglasses emotional health

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Mary Hartman: [On the phone] Grandpa Larkin's at the police station?

Sgt. Foley: Yes, he is.

Mary Hartman: Is he all right?

Sgt. Foley: Well, not exactly.

Mary Hartman: Is he hurt? I mean, what did he have, an accident?

Sgt. Foley: No, he's not hurt. And I'm afraid what happened to him was not an accident.

Mary Hartman: I don't know what you mean.

Sgt. Foley: I'm afraid he did it deliberately. That's why he was arrested.

Mary Hartman: What was he arrested for?

Sgt. Foley: Indecent exposure.

Mary Hartman: [puzzled] Indecent exposure?

Sgt. Foley: That's right. I'm afraid, Miss Hartman, that your grandfather is the Fernwood Flasher.

Mary Hartman: [to Sergeant Foley, stunned] Listen. Uh, um...I can't talk now. I'm on the phone.

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 001

indecent exposure fernwood flasher

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Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman Characters

About the author

This page was created by our editorial team. Each page is manually curated, researched, collected, and issued by our staff writers. Quotes contained on this page have been double checked for their citations, their accuracy and the impact it will have on our readers.

Kelly Peacock is an accomplished poet and social media expert based in Brooklyn, New York. Kelly has a Bachelor's degree in creative writing from Farieligh Dickinson University and has contributed to many literary and cultural publications. Kelly assists on a wide variety of quote inputting and social media functions for Quote Catalog. Visit her personal website here.

Kendra Syrdal is a writer, editor, partner, and senior publisher for The Thought & Expression Company. Over the last few years she has been personally responsible for writing, editing, and producing over 30+ million pageviews on Thought Catalog.