15+ Best "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman" Quotes

I don't know what this argument is between you and Tom, but I do know this: even if you are miserable living with him, it's the only way you're gonna be happy!

— Martha Shumway (Dody Goodman), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 020

Marriage Misery Happiness

Share

Charlie, honey, you gotta quit treating me like I'm some puny little heifer, honey, just 'cause I'm the teensiest littlest bit pregnant. Now, listen, I come from very hardy stock. A half hour before my grandmother birthed her thirteenth young'un, she was unloading 100-pound bags of fertilizer off the pickup.

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 019

Country Folk Pickup Truck Pregnancy

Share

Harold Clemens: [Referring to high school] I'm sure you were very attractive.

Mary Hartman: [Charmed] Really? [Changing her tone] What do you think happened to me?

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 003

high school Aging Attractive Backhanded Compliments

Share

Oh, Charlie, you make me feel bigger than Janis Joplin! When she was alive, that is.

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 003

janis joplin Postmortem

Share

Mary Hartman: As far as I'm concerned, you can have Tom if you want him.

Mae Olinski: [gasps] Do you really mean that?

Mary Hartman: Yes, I do. You see, I don't want him anymore, and there's no sense in letting him go to waste.

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 029

Breakups Cheating Divorce

Share

Sgt. Foley: Are you a little nervous?

Mary Hartman: No. Why, do I seem a little nervous? No, I'm not, I'm not nervous. Why, because I'm a married woman having a cocktail in a cocktail lounge in the middle of the afternoon with a good looking person?

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 020

Nervous Cheating Infidelity cocktail bar

Share

Let me tell you about guilt. It's like crime, it doesn't pay.

— Mae Olinski (Salome Jens), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 011

Crime Guilt crime doesn't pay

Share

I can't believe it. Loretta's never gonna walk again. Tom and Mae and Mary all have venereal disease, not to mention Frank Garth, who I don't even know. And we don't have any calmatives in the house. It's beginning to sound like a soap opera.

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 026

soap opera venereal disease STD

Share

Charlie Haggers: I wouldn't take no trip without some kind of protection. You never know what's lurkin' around out there, Loretta. I mean, be prepared, that's my motto. Be prepared.

Loretta Haggers: Isn't that somebody else's motto, too?

Charlie Haggers: The Boy Scouts of America. They don't fool around, neither.

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 021

be prepared boy scouts of america

Share

Mary Hartman: It was a wonderful book. It was guaranteed to improve my emotional health.

Harold Clemens: Did it improve your emotional health?

Mary Hartman: I think so, I definitely think so. You see, it was while I was reading that book that I realized that I needed glasses, and that made me feel much better.

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 003

Reading eyeglasses emotional health

Share

Tom Hartman: Did you think I was sexy then?

Mary Hartman: Yeah, you were. You were just like Johnny Carson. You were just all boyish and proud of yourself.

Tom Hartman: He's a comedian. I'm a Robert Redford, huh?

Mary Hartman: [thinks a moment] Johnny Carson.

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 003

Johnny Carson Robert Redford comedian actor Handsome Boyish Backhanded Compliments

Share

Loretta Haggers: Y'know, Mary's been seeming kind of piqued lately, and I think I just stumbled on the truth of it. Mary Hartman ain't gettin' enough Vitamin L from her man Tom.

Charlie Haggers: Vitamin L?

Loretta Haggers: Vitamin Love. I think I oughtta write a song about that.

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 005

Vitamin L Love Vitamin Love Country Music

Share

Loretta Haggers: [Referring to the Lombardi family] Someone just shot 'em.

Mary Hartman: Oh my God. The whole family?

Loretta Haggers: All five of them, plus two goats and eight chickens.

Mary Hartman: I can't believe that. What kind of a madman would shoot two goats and eight chickens. [after a pause] And the people...the people, of course.

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 001

Murder goats Chickens Animal Lovers

Share

Mary Hartman: Where's Grandpa?

Martha Shumway: Watching Years of Our Days to Live. It's his favorite.

Mary Hartman: Oh, I don't like that one.

Martha Shumway: No?

Mary Hartman: No, all the girls look alike, and they're all divorced, and all the husbands fool around with someone at work. I like a more realistic program where everybody's happy.

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 008

Soap Operas Realism Reality TV Irony

Share

Loretta Haggers: [regains consciousness, groggy] What happened?

Charlie Haggers: Oh, honey, we had an accident, hit a station wagon full of nuns.

Loretta Haggers: A station wagon full of nuns? Is that a sin?

Charlie Haggers: Well, baby, if you're Catholic, but we're not Catholic.

Loretta Haggers: Oh, good. I mean, you know, under the circumstances and everything, no offense to the Catholics.

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 024

Nuns Catholic Sin

Share

Tom Hartman: I want to tell you something, too.

Mae Olinski: Yeah?

Tom Hartman: You know I'm married?

Mae Olinski: To your wife, right?

Tom Hartman: To my wife. Does it make a difference?

Mae Olinski: Sure, it makes a difference. But like they say, nobody's perfect.
[Tom and Mae break into laughter and exit the bar]

— Tom Hartman (Greg Mullavey), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 010

Cheating Marriage Nobody's Perfect

Share

Mary Hartman: Oh, poor Davey.

Sergeant Dennis Foley: Mary, he's a mass murderer. He murdered the entire Lombardi family, plus their two goats and eight chickens.

Mary Hartman: I know, but aside from that he's such a nice boy. I mean, I wish there was something I could do for him.

Sergeant Dennis Foley: Mary, You're too good-hearted.

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 023

Mass Murder Killer Empathy misplaced empathy

Share

Mary Hartman: [On the phone] Grandpa Larkin's at the police station?

Sgt. Foley: Yes, he is.

Mary Hartman: Is he all right?

Sgt. Foley: Well, not exactly.

Mary Hartman: Is he hurt? I mean, what did he have, an accident?

Sgt. Foley: No, he's not hurt. And I'm afraid what happened to him was not an accident.

Mary Hartman: I don't know what you mean.

Sgt. Foley: I'm afraid he did it deliberately. That's why he was arrested.

Mary Hartman: What was he arrested for?

Sgt. Foley: Indecent exposure.

Mary Hartman: [puzzled] Indecent exposure?

Sgt. Foley: That's right. I'm afraid, Miss Hartman, that your grandfather is the Fernwood Flasher.

Mary Hartman: [to Sergeant Foley, stunned] Listen. Uh, um...I can't talk now. I'm on the phone.

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 001

indecent exposure fernwood flasher

Share

Mary Hartman: [Davey has a pistol pressed against Mary's head] Is that a real gun, Davey? It's not real, is it? What is that, a little toy, little water cap pistol?

Davey: No, it's real.

Mary Hartman: Oh, it is real. Oh. See, I saw this skit on The Howard Cosell Show once. It was a hilarious skit. Tina Louise had a gun, and she took out her gun, and she pulled the trigger, and a sign came out that said 'Bang!' Isn't that hilarious, Davey? Does yours have a sign, Davey? It does, doesn't it?
[Davey points pistol at ceiling and fires, plaster rains down on Mary's head] It's real.

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 014

Tina Louise Howard Cosell Toy Gun

Share

Charlie Haggers: You really planning to sell that fella's song for him in Nashville?

Loretta Haggers: Yeah, I got to, y'know, I gave him my word.

Charlie Haggers: That's a terrible song! And after what he had in mind to do to you.

Loretta Haggers: Oh, honey, both he and his song are just sickeningly tacky, you know? But I tell you, dear, when a man gives you a choice between sellin' his song or rapin' ya, I'm gonna pick sellin' his song!

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 024

Nashville Music Industry Sexual Harassment Bad Choices

Share

Number Of Seasons:	2
Created By:	Ann Marcus, Daniel Gregory Browne, Jerry Adelman, Gail Parent
User Score (votes):	7 / 10 (2)

TV Quotes / Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman

Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman

Writers often seen in this show:

Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman Characters

Season 1 Quotes

Season 2 Quotes

Trending Shows

I don't know what this argument is between you and Tom, but I do know this: even if you are miserable living with him, it's the only way you're gonna be happy!

— Martha Shumway (Dody Goodman), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 020

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 019

Harold Clemens: [Referring to high school] I'm sure you were very attractive.

Mary Hartman: [Charmed] Really? [Changing her tone] What do you think happened to me?

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 003

Oh, Charlie, you make me feel bigger than Janis Joplin! When she was alive, that is.

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 003

Mary Hartman: As far as I'm concerned, you can have Tom if you want him.

Mae Olinski: [gasps] Do you really mean that?

Mary Hartman: Yes, I do. You see, I don't want him anymore, and there's no sense in letting him go to waste.

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 029

Sgt. Foley: Are you a little nervous?

Mary Hartman: No. Why, do I seem a little nervous? No, I'm not, I'm not nervous. Why, because I'm a married woman having a cocktail in a cocktail lounge in the middle of the afternoon with a good looking person?

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 020

Let me tell you about guilt. It's like crime, it doesn't pay.

— Mae Olinski (Salome Jens), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 011

Trending Shows

I can't believe it. Loretta's never gonna walk again. Tom and Mae and Mary all have venereal disease, not to mention Frank Garth, who I don't even know. And we don't have any calmatives in the house. It's beginning to sound like a soap opera.

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 026

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 021

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 003

Tom Hartman: Did you think I was sexy then?

Mary Hartman: Yeah, you were. You were just like Johnny Carson. You were just all boyish and proud of yourself.

Tom Hartman: He's a comedian. I'm a Robert Redford, huh?

Mary Hartman: [thinks a moment] Johnny Carson.

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 003

Loretta Haggers: Y'know, Mary's been seeming kind of piqued lately, and I think I just stumbled on the truth of it. Mary Hartman ain't gettin' enough Vitamin L from her man Tom.

Charlie Haggers: Vitamin L?

Loretta Haggers: Vitamin Love. I think I oughtta write a song about that.

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 005

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 001

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 008

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 024

— Tom Hartman (Greg Mullavey), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 010

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 023

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 001

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 014

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 024

Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman Characters

Combined ShapeTV Quotes / Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman

Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman

Writers often seen in this show:

Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman Characters

Season 2 Quotes

Trending Shows

— Martha Shumway (Dody Goodman), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 020

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 019

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 003

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 003

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 029

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 020

— Mae Olinski (Salome Jens), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 011

Trending Shows

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 026

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 021

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 003

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 003

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 005

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 001

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 008

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 024

— Tom Hartman (Greg Mullavey), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 010

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 023

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 001

— Mary Hartman (Louise Lasser), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 014

— Loretta Haggers (Mary Kay Place), Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 024

Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman Characters

TV Quotes / Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman