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Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman Quotes

“I can't believe it. Loretta's never gonna walk again. Tom and Mae and Mary all have venereal disease, not to mention Frank Garth, who I don't even know. And we don't have any calmatives in the house. It's beginning to sound like a soap opera.”
— Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 026
Tagged: soap opera, venereal disease, STD
“Loretta Haggers: [regains consciousness, groggy] What happened?

Charlie Haggers: Oh, honey, we had an accident, hit a station wagon full of nuns.

Loretta Haggers: A station wagon full of nuns? Is that a sin?

Charlie Haggers: Well, baby, if you're Catholic, but we're not Catholic.

Loretta Haggers: Oh, good. I mean, you know, under the circumstances and everything, no offense to the Catholics.”
— Loretta Haggers, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 024
Tagged: Nuns, Catholic, Sin
“Charlie Haggers: I wouldn't take no trip without some kind of protection. You never know what's lurkin' around out there, Loretta. I mean, be prepared, that's my motto. Be prepared.

Loretta Haggers: Isn't that somebody else's motto, too?

Charlie Haggers: The Boy Scouts of America. They don't fool around, neither.”
— Loretta Haggers, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 021
Tagged: be prepared, boy scouts of america
“Mary Hartman: As far as I'm concerned, you can have Tom if you want him.

Mae Olinski: [gasps] Do you really mean that?

Mary Hartman: Yes, I do. You see, I don't want him anymore, and there's no sense in letting him go to waste.”
— Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 029
Tagged: Breakups, Cheating, Divorce
“Mary Hartman: Oh, poor Davey.

Sergeant Dennis Foley: Mary, he's a mass murderer. He murdered the entire Lombardi family, plus their two goats and eight chickens.

Mary Hartman: I know, but aside from that he's such a nice boy. I mean, I wish there was something I could do for him.

Sergeant Dennis Foley: Mary, You're too good-hearted.”
— Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 023
Tagged: Mass Murder, Killer, Empathy, misplaced empathy
“Mary Hartman: Where's Grandpa?

Martha Shumway: Watching Years of Our Days to Live. It's his favorite.

Mary Hartman: Oh, I don't like that one.

Martha Shumway: No?

Mary Hartman: No, all the girls look alike, and they're all divorced, and all the husbands fool around with someone at work. I like a more realistic program where everybody's happy.”
— Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 008
Tagged: Soap Operas, Realism, Reality TV, Irony
“Tom Hartman: I want to tell you something, too.

Mae Olinski: Yeah?

Tom Hartman: You know I'm married?

Mae Olinski: To your wife, right?

Tom Hartman: To my wife. Does it make a difference?

Mae Olinski: Sure, it makes a difference. But like they say, nobody's perfect.
[Tom and Mae break into laughter and exit the bar]”
— Tom Hartman, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 010
Tagged: Cheating, Marriage, Nobody's Perfect
“Charlie, honey, you gotta quit treating me like I'm some puny little heifer, honey, just 'cause I'm the teensiest littlest bit pregnant. Now, listen, I come from very hardy stock. A half hour before my grandmother birthed her thirteenth young'un, she was unloading 100-pound bags of fertilizer off the pickup.”
— Loretta Haggers, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 019
Tagged: Country Folk, Pickup Truck, Pregnancy
“Let me tell you about guilt. It's like crime, it doesn't pay.”
— Mae Olinski, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 011
Tagged: Crime, Guilt, crime doesn't pay
“Harold Clemens: [Referring to high school] I'm sure you were very attractive.

Mary Hartman: [Charmed] Really? [Changing her tone] What do you think happened to me?”
— Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 003
Tagged: high school, Aging, Attractive, Backhanded Compliments
“Oh, Charlie, you make me feel bigger than Janis Joplin! When she was alive, that is.”
— Loretta Haggers, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 003
Tagged: janis joplin, Postmortem
“Loretta Haggers: [Referring to the Lombardi family] Someone just shot 'em.

Mary Hartman: Oh my God. The whole family?

Loretta Haggers: All five of them, plus two goats and eight chickens.

Mary Hartman: I can't believe that. What kind of a madman would shoot two goats and eight chickens. [after a pause] And the people...the people, of course.”
— Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 001
Tagged: Murder, goats, Chickens, Animal Lovers
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