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  3. Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman

Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman Quotes

“I can't believe it. Loretta's never gonna walk again. Tom and Mae and Mary all have venereal disease, not to mention Frank Garth, who I don't even know. And we don't have any calmatives in the house. It's beginning to sound like a soap opera.”
— Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 026
Tagged: soap opera, venereal disease, STD
“Charlie Haggers: You really planning to sell that fella's song for him in Nashville?

Loretta Haggers: Yeah, I got to, y'know, I gave him my word.

Charlie Haggers: That's a terrible song! And after what he had in mind to do to you.

Loretta Haggers: Oh, honey, both he and his song are just sickeningly tacky, you know? But I tell you, dear, when a man gives you a choice between sellin' his song or rapin' ya, I'm gonna pick sellin' his song!”
— Loretta Haggers, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 024
Tagged: Nashville, Music Industry, Sexual Harassment, Bad Choices
“Loretta Haggers: [regains consciousness, groggy] What happened?

Charlie Haggers: Oh, honey, we had an accident, hit a station wagon full of nuns.

Loretta Haggers: A station wagon full of nuns? Is that a sin?

Charlie Haggers: Well, baby, if you're Catholic, but we're not Catholic.

Loretta Haggers: Oh, good. I mean, you know, under the circumstances and everything, no offense to the Catholics.”
— Loretta Haggers, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 024
Tagged: Nuns, Catholic, Sin
“Sgt. Foley: Are you a little nervous?

Mary Hartman: No. Why, do I seem a little nervous? No, I'm not, I'm not nervous. Why, because I'm a married woman having a cocktail in a cocktail lounge in the middle of the afternoon with a good looking person?”
— Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 020
Tagged: Nervous, Cheating, Infidelity, cocktail bar
“Charlie Haggers: I wouldn't take no trip without some kind of protection. You never know what's lurkin' around out there, Loretta. I mean, be prepared, that's my motto. Be prepared.

Loretta Haggers: Isn't that somebody else's motto, too?

Charlie Haggers: The Boy Scouts of America. They don't fool around, neither.”
— Loretta Haggers, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 021
Tagged: be prepared, boy scouts of america
“Mary Hartman: As far as I'm concerned, you can have Tom if you want him.

Mae Olinski: [gasps] Do you really mean that?

Mary Hartman: Yes, I do. You see, I don't want him anymore, and there's no sense in letting him go to waste.”
— Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 029
Tagged: Breakups, Cheating, Divorce
“Mary Hartman: Oh, poor Davey.

Sergeant Dennis Foley: Mary, he's a mass murderer. He murdered the entire Lombardi family, plus their two goats and eight chickens.

Mary Hartman: I know, but aside from that he's such a nice boy. I mean, I wish there was something I could do for him.

Sergeant Dennis Foley: Mary, You're too good-hearted.”
— Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 023
Tagged: Mass Murder, Killer, Empathy, misplaced empathy
“Mary Hartman: Where's Grandpa?

Martha Shumway: Watching Years of Our Days to Live. It's his favorite.

Mary Hartman: Oh, I don't like that one.

Martha Shumway: No?

Mary Hartman: No, all the girls look alike, and they're all divorced, and all the husbands fool around with someone at work. I like a more realistic program where everybody's happy.”
— Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 008
Tagged: Soap Operas, Realism, Reality TV, Irony
“I don't know what this argument is between you and Tom, but I do know this: even if you are miserable living with him, it's the only way you're gonna be happy!”
— Martha Shumway, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 020
Tagged: Marriage, Misery, Happiness
“Tom Hartman: I want to tell you something, too.

Mae Olinski: Yeah?

Tom Hartman: You know I'm married?

Mae Olinski: To your wife, right?

Tom Hartman: To my wife. Does it make a difference?

Mae Olinski: Sure, it makes a difference. But like they say, nobody's perfect.
[Tom and Mae break into laughter and exit the bar]”
— Tom Hartman, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 010
Tagged: Cheating, Marriage, Nobody's Perfect
“Mary Hartman: [Davey has a pistol pressed against Mary's head] Is that a real gun, Davey? It's not real, is it? What is that, a little toy, little water cap pistol?

Davey: No, it's real.

Mary Hartman: Oh, it is real. Oh. See, I saw this skit on The Howard Cosell Show once. It was a hilarious skit. Tina Louise had a gun, and she took out her gun, and she pulled the trigger, and a sign came out that said 'Bang!' Isn't that hilarious, Davey? Does yours have a sign, Davey? It does, doesn't it?
[Davey points pistol at ceiling and fires, plaster rains down on Mary's head] It's real.”
— Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 014
Tagged: Tina Louise, Howard Cosell, Toy Gun
“Charlie, honey, you gotta quit treating me like I'm some puny little heifer, honey, just 'cause I'm the teensiest littlest bit pregnant. Now, listen, I come from very hardy stock. A half hour before my grandmother birthed her thirteenth young'un, she was unloading 100-pound bags of fertilizer off the pickup.”
— Loretta Haggers, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 019
Tagged: Country Folk, Pickup Truck, Pregnancy
“Let me tell you about guilt. It's like crime, it doesn't pay.”
— Mae Olinski, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 011
Tagged: Crime, Guilt, crime doesn't pay
“Loretta Haggers: Y'know, Mary's been seeming kind of piqued lately, and I think I just stumbled on the truth of it. Mary Hartman ain't gettin' enough Vitamin L from her man Tom.

Charlie Haggers: Vitamin L?

Loretta Haggers: Vitamin Love. I think I oughtta write a song about that.”
— Loretta Haggers, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 005
Tagged: Vitamin L, Love, Vitamin Love, Country Music
“Tom Hartman: Did you think I was sexy then?

Mary Hartman: Yeah, you were. You were just like Johnny Carson. You were just all boyish and proud of yourself.

Tom Hartman: He's a comedian. I'm a Robert Redford, huh?

Mary Hartman: [thinks a moment] Johnny Carson.”
— Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 003
Tagged: Johnny Carson, Robert Redford, comedian, actor, Handsome, Boyish, Backhanded Compliments
“Harold Clemens: [Referring to high school] I'm sure you were very attractive.

Mary Hartman: [Charmed] Really? [Changing her tone] What do you think happened to me?”
— Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 003
Tagged: high school, Aging, Attractive, Backhanded Compliments
“Oh, Charlie, you make me feel bigger than Janis Joplin! When she was alive, that is.”
— Loretta Haggers, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 003
Tagged: janis joplin, Postmortem
“Loretta Haggers: [Referring to the Lombardi family] Someone just shot 'em.

Mary Hartman: Oh my God. The whole family?

Loretta Haggers: All five of them, plus two goats and eight chickens.

Mary Hartman: I can't believe that. What kind of a madman would shoot two goats and eight chickens. [after a pause] And the people...the people, of course.”
— Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 001
Tagged: Murder, goats, Chickens, Animal Lovers
“Mary Hartman: It was a wonderful book. It was guaranteed to improve my emotional health.

Harold Clemens: Did it improve your emotional health?

Mary Hartman: I think so, I definitely think so. You see, it was while I was reading that book that I realized that I needed glasses, and that made me feel much better.”
— Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 003
Tagged: Reading, eyeglasses, emotional health
“Mary Hartman: [On the phone] Grandpa Larkin's at the police station?

Sgt. Foley: Yes, he is.

Mary Hartman: Is he all right?

Sgt. Foley: Well, not exactly.

Mary Hartman: Is he hurt? I mean, what did he have, an accident?

Sgt. Foley: No, he's not hurt. And I'm afraid what happened to him was not an accident.

Mary Hartman: I don't know what you mean.

Sgt. Foley: I'm afraid he did it deliberately. That's why he was arrested.

Mary Hartman: What was he arrested for?

Sgt. Foley: Indecent exposure.

Mary Hartman: [puzzled] Indecent exposure?

Sgt. Foley: That's right. I'm afraid, Miss Hartman, that your grandfather is the Fernwood Flasher.

Mary Hartman: [to Sergeant Foley, stunned] Listen. Uh, um...I can't talk now. I'm on the phone.”
— Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Season 1: Episode 001
Tagged: indecent exposure, fernwood flasher
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