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“And what Steve doesn't realize is I have a plan of my own. While everyone's focused on Snot, I'll be heading to the bathroom to share a doobie with the busboy in exchange for an angry handy-J.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 5: Bar Mitzvah Shuffle
Tagged: plans, Weed, Busboy, favors, Trading
“Tim: What about you, Wilson? What are you afraid of?

Wilson: I do have one underlying fear, Tim—I'm afraid that reality, as we know it, is someone else's dream. When the dreamer wakes, I'll no longer exist.

Tim: ...Wilson, I wouldn't share that with too many people.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Wild Kingdom
Tagged: Fear, Dreams, Insanity
“Jill Taylor: Tim, what do you actually know about installing a satellite dish?

Tim Taylor: It's simple. Mount it, point it straight up. Any man could do that.

Jill Taylor: Yeah, but it has to stay up longer than ten seconds.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Satellite On A Hot Tim's Roof
Tagged: Husband-Bashing
“Sorry I took so long. I farted pulling into the driveway and I just wanted to enjoy it for a while.”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 5: Roy Rogers McFreely
Tagged: Farting, Enjoyment, Took A long time
“Tim Taylor: I don't know what it is about football and me; I'm obsessed, I think.

Wilson: Well, why do you think that is, Tim?

Tim Taylor: I think it's 'cause I love it, Wilson. I love the surprise, and the strategy, and the strength, and the big guys with the logos and the colorful helmets, the shine of the pads, and the mouth guards and the cleats, and the hittin', the impact, the swearin', the sweatin', arr arr arr arr!... It sets me free!”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Off Sides
Tagged: Football, Obsession
“Randy Taylor: [to Sir Larry] Hey, you're great! I saw you at Chris Johnson's birthday party!

Sir Larry Houdini: Ahhh, lovely little girl.

Randy Taylor: Chris is a boy.

Sir Larry Houdini: Strange little boy.”
— Randy Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Off Sides
Tagged: gender confusion
“An above ground sprinkler on the front lawn! No sir! What's next, prostitutes rising out of the ground and spitting all over our lawns? Well not in my neighborhood!”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 5: Roy Rogers McFreely
Tagged: Sprinker, Unsightly, Lawns, Prostitutes, Sassy, Shock
“Randy Taylor: [referring to himself and Brad] Billy's mom thinks we're perfect little gentlemen.

Tim Taylor: Billy's mom thought she saw Elvis yesterday at the gas station.”
— Randy Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Mow Better Blues
Tagged: delusional
“Jill Taylor: [discussing Jill's upcoming job interview] Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night.

Tim Taylor: No; I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was 'NO!'

Jill Taylor: [smirking] You're thinking of tonight.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Listening, not tonight
“Tim: Jill got mad at me because I didn't listen to her.

Wilson: No, I think she got mad at you because you blew up the damn dishwasher.”
— Tim Taylor, Home Improvement, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Mad, Listening, arguments
“ Let's try that on the fart setting.”
— Roger The Alien, American Dad!, Season 5: Phantom of the Telethon
Tagged: Fart, setting, Different Settings
“Crazy way to travel, spreading a man's molecules all over the universe.”
— Leonard McCoy, Star Trek, Season 2: Obsession
Tagged: travel, Molecules
“Roger, I think I've found a way off this island! Is there such a thing as a time crab?”
— Stan Smith (voice), American Dad!, Season 5: Choosey Wives Choose Smith
Tagged: Island, Time, time travel, Crab
“For far too many people, the more things have changed, the more things stayed the same.”
— Barack Obama, The Nelson Mandela Lecture
“Spock: I need your advice.

McCoy: Then I need a drink.”
— Spock, Star Trek, Season 2: Obsession
Tagged: Advice, Drink
“Spock: Oochy-woochy kootchie-koo, Captain?

Captain James T. Kirk: An obscure Earth dialect, Mr. Spock. Oochy-woochy kootchie-koo. If you're curious, consult linguistics.”
— Spock, Star Trek, Season 2: Friday's Child
Tagged: animal talk
“Captain James T. Kirk: I'm sorry about your father.

Spock: Yes, it could adversely affect our mission.

Captain James T. Kirk: Aren't you worried about him?

Spock: Worry is a human emotion, Captain. I accept what has happened.”
— Spock, Star Trek, Season 2: Journey to Babel
Tagged: worry, Human Emotion
“Amanda: After all these years with humans, you still haven't learned to smile.

Spock: Humans smile with so little provocation.”
— Spock, Star Trek, Season 2: Journey to Babel
Tagged: smiling, humans
“ Our species can only survive if we have obstacles to overcome. You take away all obstacles. Without them to strengthen us, we will weaken and die.”
— James T. Kirk, Star Trek, Season 2: Metamorphosis
Tagged: Species, survive, Obstacles
“Loneliness. This is loneliness. Oh, what a bitter thing. Oh, Zefram, it's so sad. How do you bear it, this loneliness?”
— Nancy Hedford, Star Trek, Season 2: Metamorphosis
Tagged: Loneliness, Bitter
“What is a man but that lofty spirit, that sense of enterprise, that devotion for something that cannot be sensed, cannot be realized but only dreamed, the highest reality?”
— James T. Kirk, Star Trek, Season 2: I, Mudd
Tagged: Spirit, enterprise, Devotion
“Capt. Kirk: Bones, you ever hear of a doomsday machine?

Dr. McCoy: No, I'm a doctor, not a mechanic.”
— James T. Kirk, Star Trek, Season 2: The Apple
Tagged: doomsday machine, I'm a Doctor
“Bones: I'm a doctor, NOT an engineer.

Scotty: NOW you're an engineer.”
— Leonard McCoy, Star Trek, Season 2: Mirror, Mirror
Tagged: I'm a Doctor
“Spock: My congratulations, Captain—a dazzling display of logic.

Capt. Kirk: You didn't think I had it in me, did you, Spock?

Spock: [deadpan] No, sir.”
— Spock, Star Trek, Season 2: The Changeling
Tagged: Logic, Congratulations
“Mankind has no need for gods. We find the one quite adequate.”
— Mr. Scott, Star Trek, Season 2: Who Mourns for Adonais?
Tagged: Mankind, gods
“Change is really important for me — not just internally, but externally, I’m always trying to find a new makeup look or a new hair color. It’s really fun for me to see all the different possibilities of who you can be physically. It helps you find out who you are, and what your identity really is.”
— Leia Immanuel, Why I'll Never Hide My Acne With Makeup Again
Tagged: beauty
“Jim, madness has no purpose, or reason, but it may have a goal.”
— Spock, Star Trek, Season 1: The Alternative Factor
Tagged: Madness, Reason, purpose
“I fail to comprehend your indignation, sir. I have simply made the logical deduction that you are a liar.”
— Spock, Star Trek, Season 1: The Alternative Factor
Tagged: Indignation
“[to Spock] All right, you mutinous, disloyal, computerized half-breed. We'll see about you deserting my ship.”
— James T. Kirk, Star Trek, Season 1: This Side of Paradise
Tagged: mutinous, disloyal, half-breed, mutiny
“I have a responsibility to this ship, to that man on the bridge. I am what I am, Leila. If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them. Mine can be no worse than someone else's.”
— Spock, Star Trek, Season 1: This Side of Paradise
Tagged: purgatory

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About The Authors

This page was created by our editorial team. Each page is manually curated, researched, collected, and issued by our staff writers. Quotes contained on this page have been double checked for their citations, their accuracy and the impact it will have on our readers.

Kelly Peacock is an accomplished poet and social media expert based in Brooklyn, New York. Kelly has a Bachelor's degree in creative writing from Farieligh Dickinson University and has contributed to many literary and cultural publications. Kelly assists on a wide variety of quote inputting and social media functions for Quote Catalog. Visit her personal website here.

Kendra Syrdal is a writer, editor, partner, and senior publisher for The Thought & Expression Company. Over the last few years she has been personally responsible for writing, editing, and producing over 30+ million pageviews on Thought Catalog.