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Rainn Wilson Quotes

Total quotes: 36
“Who is Justice Beaver?”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 7: Todd Packer
Tagged: Justin Beiber, mistake, misworded
“Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Gay Witch Hunt
Tagged: Buy, gay-dar, gay radar, Online
“I never thought I'd say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 9: Finale
Tagged: Eating Too Much, Bone Marrow
“Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: Special Project
Tagged: Peacocks, Powerpoint Presentations
“It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 4: Survivor Man
Tagged: hurt, accidentally, Stranger, purpose
“Pam Beesly: Dwight, am I hot right now?

Dwight Schrute: Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: Pam's Replacement
Tagged: Hot, Attractive, Sex, Impregnate, Attraction, Rude
“Oscar Martinez: Don't you want to see the baby?

Dwight Schrute: Psh! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: Jury Duty
Tagged: Baby, humor, Genetics, Senator, Mash Up
“In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all. It's fear. Merry Christmas.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 7: Classy Christmas
Tagged: Merry Christmas, Christmas, Fear
“Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 5: Stress Relief
Tagged: Stress, stress relief
“Michael is like Mozart, and I’m like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart and you’re gonna get bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 2: Office Olympics
Tagged: Mozart, Butch Cassidy
“My perfect Valentine's day? I'm at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the fifty restaurant reservations I made over six months ago.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 7: PDA
Tagged: valentine's day, Holidays, humor, Evil, Manipulative, Reservations
“Yes. I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique. It's like slapping someone with silence.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Safety Training
Tagged: shun, Slapping, Silence, Amish, technique, Simile Examples
“The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schrute Farms. Whatever. I'm over it. It's just grossly irresponsible.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: Gettysburg
Tagged: History, Civil War, irresponsible, erasure, Forgotten
“I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Business School
Tagged: are vampires real, werewolves and vampires, mythical creatures
“You better learn your rules. If you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 5: The Duel
Tagged: Learn Your Rules, Nursery Rhymes
“I'm gonna intimidate him, ok? Watch this....So anyways, she said that is the biggest penis I have ever scene and I said I know! That's why I brought you to the penis museum, where tickets are a thousand dollars.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 7: The Sting
Tagged: Intimidating Men, Intimidation
“You're a perfectly fine toilet... I'm just an extraordinary piece of crap.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: Trivia
Tagged: is this a compliment?, Piece of Shit
“That ain't no Etch-a-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet.”
— Rollo, Juno
Tagged: Etch-A-Sketch, doodle, homeskillet
“Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Product Recall
Tagged: Identity Theft
“Michael always says, 'K-I-S-S, keep it simple, stupid.' Great advice, hurts my feelings every time.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Initiation
Tagged: Advice, hurts my feelings
“Deangelo Vickers: Dwight. What's your take?

Dwight Schrute: What's the argument here? NBA, WMBA. One is a sport, one is a joke. I love sports, I love jokes. Room for all.

Deangelo Vickers: Man, you're smart!”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 7: The Inner Circle
Tagged: Offensive, Sexist, Sports, joke, Smart, Rude
“Dwight Schrute: Most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a shepherd's crook. Which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces.

Oscar Martinez: How would anyone even know...

Dwight Schrute: Have you ever tasted a shepherd's crook?”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 9: Dwight Christmas
Tagged: Christmas, Candy Cane, candy, Sweets, feces, Shepherd, crook, taste, Gross
“I really like Andy these days. He's pretend, and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we're in for an epic, confusing showdown.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 9: Couples Discount
Tagged: Pretend, Showdown, epic, Imagination, humor
“Growing up I performed my own circumcision.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 5: Baby Shower
Tagged: Circumcision
“Get a friend, loser.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 5: Customer Survey
Tagged: friends and losers, insults
“A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: After Hours
Tagged: What Makes a real man?, Real Men Do This
“Pam Beesly: Hey, Dwight. I'm collecting resolution cards.

Dwight Schrute: Not doing that.

Pam Beesly: Why not?

Dwight Schrute: I've achieved plenty, and there's no better than the best.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 7: Ultimatum
Tagged: New Year's Resolution, New Year's, humor, Achievement, The Best
“Dr. Deb Chaman: Are you still drinking?

Everett Backstrom: Absolutely not!

Dr. Deb Chaman: When a patient says "Absolutely not!", he's absolutely lying.

Everett Backstrom: If you Hindus are so smart, how come 98 percent of you live at the dump?”
— Det. Lt. Backstrom, Backstrom, Season 1: Dragon Slayer
Tagged: Drinking, lying, Hindus, Dump, racism, Sassy, Snarky
“At first I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right?”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 9: Here Comes Treble
Tagged: Prank, pumpkin, Rot, joke, crazy, Failed Logic
“Dwight Schrute: Big changes coming to the old desk clump. No longer a Pam-Jim alliance against Dwight. Now it is Dwight and a friend axis against Pam.

Jim Halpert: You could've just called that an alliance too, right?

Dwight Schrute: I chose my words very carefully.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 9: Junior Salesman
Tagged: Alliance, Partners, Axis, Friend, Office Politics, Work
“Smoking is gonna save lives.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 5: Stress Relief
Tagged: smoking, Fire Drill
“I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 3: Traveling Salesmen
Tagged: Overslept, Roosters
“Third shag today, Mama Bear. Your eggo is preggo, no doubt about it.”
— Rollo, Juno
Tagged: Mama Bear, pregnant, nicknames for pregnant
“The eyes are the groin of the face.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 4: Branch Wars
Tagged: Body Parts
“Ryan: Did you see Saw?

Dwight: Of course I see-saw. Mose and I see-saw all the time.

Ryan: No, uh, the movie. Did you see, the movie Saw.

Dwight: Oh. Yeah. Great film. Almost as fun as going on a see-saw.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 6: The Manager and the Salesman
Tagged: saw, Saw The Movie
“The Schrutes have a word for when everything in a man's life comes together perfectly. Perfectenschlag. Right now, I am in it. I finally get a chance to prove myself to corporate. I am assembling a competent team. I am likely a father. I am so deep inside of perfectenschlag right now. And, just to be clear, there is a second definition, 'perfect pork anus', which I don't mean.”
— Dwight Schrute, The Office, Season 8: Special Project
Tagged: Perfect, father, corporate, Competence, Pork, Anus, Vulgar, Language
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