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19 Tucker Max Quotes That Are Both Hilariously Vulgar And Slightly Offensive

If God invented anything better than drunk sex with a hot girl, he kept it to himself. 
Kirsten Corley
August 31, 2016
“Ladies, let me give you some advice. You can throw all your stupid fucking chick-lit, self-help, why-doesn't-he-love-me books out, because this is all you need to know: Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as "deserving" respect; you get what you demand from people.. if you demand respect, he will either respect you or he won't associate with you. It really is that simple.”
— Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
Tagged: Tucker Max Quotes, Respect, Treat You
“The devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you've ever wished for.”
— Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First
Tagged: Relationship Advice, Dating Advice, Tucker Max Advice
“No one has it all figured out, especially not the people who are acting like they do and judging you because of it. Pretending to be something you aren't because you're trying to please a bunch of judgmental hypocrites and shitheads is not the way to be happy. Living the life you want to live is. It really is that simple.”
— Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First
Tagged: Tucker Max Quotes, Live Your Life, Simple, Happy
“I stop paying attention because as much as I love beauty, I hate stupidity, and seeing the two combined pisses me off.”
— Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
Tagged: Tucker Max Quotes, Beauty And Brains
“You look like the type of people who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.”
— Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First
Tagged: Comedy Quotes, Tucker Max
“If people try to judge you or shame you for doing safe, consensual things that make you happy, I can guarantee you they're bad people.”
— Tucker Max, Assholes Finish First
Tagged: Relationship Advice, Dating Advice, Tucker Max Advice
“She is trying to convince me that she never does this and is not that type of girl. It was difficult for me to understand. Her enunciation wasn’t very good with my dick in her mouth.”
— Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
Tagged: Sluts, Tucker Max Quotes, Relationship Advice, Guy Advice
“I never understand why women think drama and bullshit are attractive to guys. They’re not. I’m going to be real clear about this, ladies, so pay attention: Prince Charming doesn't come to rescue cunty lunatics.”
— Tucker Max, Hilarity Ensues
Tagged: Tucker Max Advice, Guy Advice, Relationship Advice
“There are fun nights, there are crazy nights, and then there are those nights that make men legends.”
— Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
Tagged: Tucker Max Quotes, Boys To Men
“Random Girl after a hookup: "Do you love me"
Tucker: "I don't understand the question.”
— Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
Tagged: Tucker Max, Comedy Quotes
“The rules your parents teach you to live by are very different than the rules the world actually runs by. Most of the conventional wisdom is not only wrong, it's a lie told to us by people who want to control us. It doesn't help us, it helps them. Pretty much everything we're told as children (and adults, really) by the established power structures in our lives are made up fairytales us to reinforce that control: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the tooth fairy, fat-free frozen dinners, religion, and metering lights on the highway--the list goes on.”
— Tucker Max, Hilarity Ensues
Tagged: Relationship Advice, Dating Advice
“If God invented anything better than drunk sex with a hot girl, he kept it to himself.”
— Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
Tagged: Tucker Max Advice, Sex, Love, Drunk
“It is better to ask for forgiveness then permission.”
— Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
Tagged: Tucker Max Advice, life advice
“You ever met one of those guys who, in a totally calm and composed way, can scare the shit out of you? Like an MMA fighter, or the fat Kardashian sister who married Lamar Odom?”
— Tucker Max, Sloppy Seconds
Tagged: Tucker Max Quotes, Offensive, Vulgar
“Here’s to the women we’ve met, and to the women we’ve fucked, And to those amongst us who’ve had no such luck. Here’s to beer in the glass, and vodka in the cup, Here’s to pokin’ her in the ass, so she won’t get knocked up. Here’s to all of you, and here’s to me, Together as friends we’ll always be, But if we should ever disagree, Then FUCK ALL OF YOU, HERE’S TO ME!”
— Tucker Max, Sloppy Seconds
Tagged: Toast, Cheers, Tucker Max
“If you EVER speak ill of the McGriddle again I will personally force-feed you one while I fuck you in the butt using the wrapper as a condom and then donkey punch you when the infused syrup nuggets explode in your mouth.”
— Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
Tagged: Funny Quotes, Vulgar Quotes
“Of course, I'm not a doctor; I just watch a lot of ER and House.”
— Tucker Max, Hilarity Ensues
Tagged: Tucker Max Quotes, Funny Quotes, Offensive Quotes
“One of life’s great secrets: women don’t look for handsome men, they look for men with beautiful women.”
— Tucker Max, Mate: Become the Man Women Want
Tagged: Relationship Advice, Guy Advice, Advice For Guys
“If you wear crocs on a first date, she'll excuse herself and never come back.”
— Tucker Max, Mate: Become the Man Women Want
Tagged: Tucker Max Advice, Relationship Advice, Things Not To Do