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Funny Quotes
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What did Taylor Swift say to the melon? Look what you made me dew!
—
Maria Monrovia
,
50 Food Puns To Dish Out When You’re Hungry For Laughs
Food Puns
Puns
Funny
Funny Quotes
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What do you say to a herb that’s running late? It’s about thyme!
—
Maria Monrovia
,
50 Food Puns To Dish Out When You’re Hungry For Laughs
Food Puns
Puns
Funny
Funny Quotes
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Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter? I’m not telling you. You might spread it!
—
Maria Monrovia
,
50 Food Puns To Dish Out When You’re Hungry For Laughs
Food Puns
Puns
Funny
Funny Quotes
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I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest... It's his altar ego.
—
GabeRothel
,
I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest
Funny
dad jokes
Funny Quotes
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I met some chess players in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about how good they were. It was chess nuts bragging in an open foyer.
—
porichoygupto
,
I met some chess players in the hotel lobby. They were bragging about how good they are.
Funny Quotes
Funny Jokes
dad jokes
Funny
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If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
—
Jack Handy
,
Jack Handy - 197 quotes
Funny Quotes
Sarcasm Quotes
Joke Quotes
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Austin Powers:
Did you just soil yourself?
Fat Bastard:
Maybe? It did sound a little wet, didn't it? Right at the end. Let's have a smell alright. Ohh wafting, wafting. Ohh everyone likes their own brand, this is magic. Alright analysis... It smells like carrots and throws up. Ohh that could gag a maggot. I smell like hot sick ass in a dead carcass. Ohh even stink would say that stinks. You know when you go into an apartment building and you smell cooking on each floor and you go what are they cooking? That, plus crap.
—
Fat Bastard
(Mike Myers)
,
Austin Powers in Goldmember
Funny Quotes
Movie Quotes
Best of Quotes
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Do you find me sexy? Ohhhh, look at my tit-ays.
—
Fat Bastard
(Mike Myers)
,
Austin Powers in Goldmember
Funny Quotes
Movie Quotes
Best of Quotes
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Here's my diaper. I think I might have pinched one off too soon. [Sniffs diaper] Oh ya, I left a rosebud in there for ya.
—
Fat Bastard
(Mike Myers)
,
Austin Powers in Goldmember
Funny Quotes
Movie Quotes
Best of Quotes
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Of course, I'm not happy. Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you. I've got more chins than Chinese phone book. I've not seen my willy in two years which is long enough to declare I'm legally dead.
—
Fat Bastard
(Mike Myers)
,
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
Funny Quotes
Movie Quotes
Best of Quotes
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Listen missy, do you fancy another go? Because once you've had fat you never go back.
—
Fat Bastard
(Mike Myers)
,
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
Funny Quotes
Movie Quotes
Best of Quotes
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Dr. Evil, let me make you a deal alright? You keep the mojo, you keep the money. And I'll get your baby [while smacking lips].
—
Fat Bastard
(Mike Myers)
,
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
Funny Quotes
Movie Quotes
Best of Quotes
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Come here I'm going to eat you. I'm bigger than you I'm higher on the food chain. Get in my belly!
—
Fat Bastard
(Mike Myers)
,
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
Funny Quotes
Movie Quotes
Best of Quotes
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First things first, where's your shitter? I've got a turtle head poking out. I'm not kidding I got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. Christ I'm getting all emotinoal from it, ya know?
—
Fat Bastard
(Mike Myers)
,
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
Funny Quotes
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I can't belive Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of monogomy was a fembot all along. Wait a tick, that means I'm single again! Oh, behave!!
—
Austin Powers
(Mike Myers)
,
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Funny Quotes
Movie Quotes
Best Moments
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Machine gun jubblies? How did I miss those baby?
—
Austin Powers
(Mike Myers)
,
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Funny Quotes
Movie Quotes
Best Moments
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Vanessa:
What shall we do now?
Austin Powers:
I have an idea baby why don't we shag?
Vanessa:
Again?
Austin Powers:
Sure baby we're only up to Chapter 11 in the Kama Sutra.
—
Austin Powers
(Mike Myers)
,
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Funny Quotes
Movie Quotes
Best Moments
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Vanessa:
Do you smoke Austin?
Austin Powers:
I don't know baby I never looked.
—
Austin Powers
(Mike Myers)
,
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Funny Quotes
Movie Quotes
Best Moments
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Austin Powers:
Who does number two work for?
Cowboy:
That's right buddy you show that turd who's boss.
—
Austin Powers
(Mike Myers)
,
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
Funny Quotes
Movie Quotes
Best Moments
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Interviewer: You're known for your curves. Have they ever got you into trouble?
Dolly: Well yes, but that's why I had curves – I wanted them to get me into trouble.
—
Dolly Parton
,
Dolly Parton: 'I look like a woman but I think like a man'
Funny Quotes
Sassy Quotes
Complicated Feminism
Economic Empowerment
Female Empowerment
What Is Feminist?
What is Feminine?
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I'm obsessed with Beyonce. And because I'm not worthy I did not look at her.
—
Anna Kendrick
,
Anna Kendrick
Funny Quotes
Beyonce
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Naked selfies your life away. Go do your thing. But clean your room.
—
Anna Kendrick
,
Anna Kendrick
Funny Quotes
Interview Quotes
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I've been trying to be more healthy. It's the worst.
—
Anna Kendrick
,
Anna Kendrick
Funny Quotes
Youtube
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Why do I buy cooking magazines in airports? I might as well be buying porn. I get all excited but there's nothing I can do about it.
—
Anna Kendrick
,
Anna Kendrick
Funny Quotes
Twitter Quotes
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For someone with such an intense need to be liked you'd think I would have figured out how to be less of an a--hole.
—
Anna Kendrick
,
Anna Kendrick
Funny Quotes
asshole
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Ugh, NEVER going to a Ryan Gosling movie in a theatre again. Apparently masturbating in the back row is still considered ‘inappropriate.
—
Anna Kendrick
,
Anna Kendrick Twitter
Funny Quotes
Twitter Quotes
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I'm the person who wouldn't send back my food even if I got steak when I'd ordered fish.
—
Anna Kendrick
,
Anna Kendrick: 'It's all about that fatal flaw'
Funny Quotes
Badass Quotes
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Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say 'Netflix and avoiding responsibilities.'
—
Anna Kendrick
,
Anna Kendrick
Twitter
Funny Quotes
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You don't need a license to drive a sandwich.
—
Spongebob Squarepants
,
Spongebob Squarepants
T.V Quotes
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Are you Squidward now? ... That’s okay take your time.
—
Patrick Star
,
Spongebob Squarepants
T.V Quotes
Funny Quotes
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I’ll have you know that I stubbed by toe last week and only cried for 20 minutes.
—
Spongebob Squarepants
,
Spongebob Squarepants
Spongebob
T.V Quotes
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Spongebob:
Patrick, you're a genius!"
"
Patrick:
Yeah, I get called that a lot."
"
Spongebob:
What? A genius?"
"
Patrick:
No, Patrick.
—
Spongebob Squarepants
and
Patrick Star
,
Spongebob Squarepants
T.V Quotes
Funny Quotes
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Firmly grasp it in your hand.
—
Patrick Star
,
Spongebob Squarepants
T.V Quotes
Funny Quotes
Nick Quotes
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Remember, licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets.
—
Mr. Krabs
,
Spongebob Squarepants
Funny Quotes
T.V Quotes
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He was so ugly everyone died.
—
Patrick Star
,
Spongebob Squarepants
T.V Shows
Funny Quotes
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Squidward: If that was you on the phone and you on the bus then who was flickering the lights.
Nosferatu
—
Squidward
,
Spongebob Squarepants
Funny Quotes
T.V Quotes
Nick
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Fine I guess you're gonna miss The Panty Raid.
—
Patrick Star
,
Spongebob Squarepants
T.V Quotes
Funny Quotes
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Narrator: So much later that the old narrator got tired waiting and they had to hire a new one.
—
Narrator
,
Spongebob Squarepants
T.V Quotes
Funny Quotes
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Person on phone: Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: No this is Patrick.
—
Patrick Star
,
Spongebob Squarepants
Funny Quotes
T.V Quotes
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Black people playing tennis, next white people will be tap dancing!
—
Will Smith
,
Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air Complete Series
Funny Quotes
T.V Quotes
Will Smith
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Roses are red, violets are blue, me and jazz are black, Carlton what are you?
—
Will Smith
,
Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air Series
T.V Quotes
Funny Quotes
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Hey girl, I'd marry your brother just to be in your family.
—
Will Smith
,
Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air Series
T.V Quotes
Funny Quotes
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By the end of the fourth grade, the lunch lady was actually the person I hung out with the most.
—
Michael
,
The Office
The Office Quotes
Office Quotes
T.V Quotes
Funny Quotes
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Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.
—
Michael
,
The Office
The Office Quotes
Office Quotes
T.V Quotes
Funny Quotes
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One thing you need to know about me, I don't quit, until something tears or pops.
—
Dwight
,
The Office
The Office Quotes
Office Quotes
T.V Quotes
Funny Quotes
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I wonder what people like about my? Probably my jugs.
—
Phyllis
,
The Office
T.V Quotes
Funny Quotes
The Office
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It is exactly 12:23. The exact moment you emerged my your mothers vaginal canal.
—
Dwight
,
The Office
Funny Quotes
T.V Quotes
Office Quotes
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The only problem is when I try to make a taco, I get too excited.
—
Kevin
,
The Office
T.V Quotes
The Office Quotes
Funny Quotes
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I don't need the woods, I have a nice wood desk. And I don't need fresh air, I have the freshest air around, A.C.
—
Michael
,
The Office
T.V Quotes
The Office Quotes
Funny Quotes
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Jim:
"Question: What kind of bear is best?"
Dwight:
"That's a ridiculous question."
Jim:
"False. Black bear.
—
Jim And Dwight
,
The Office
The Office Quotes
T.V Quotes
Funny Quotes
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Whenever i'm about to do something, I think. 'Would an idiot do that? And if they would, I do not do that thing.
—
Dwight
,
The Office
T.V Quotes
Funny Quotes
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There's too many people on this earth, we need a new plague.
—
Dwight
,
The Office
T.V Quotes
Funny Quotes
T.V
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Pam would you please tell Darryl this is not a women's suit.
—
Michael
,
The Office
T.V Quotes
Funny Quotes
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Dwight you ignorant slut.
—
Michael
,
The Office
T.V Quotes
Funny Quotes
The Office Quotes
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When I see someone smile at me all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.
—
Dwight
,
The Office
T.V Quotes
Funny Quotes
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I've been involved in a number of cults both as a leader and a follower.
—
Creed
,
The Office
T.V Quotes
Funny Quotes
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I have egg in my croc.
—
Michael
,
The Office
T.V Quotes
Funny Quotes
T.V
Share
What's a two way petting zoo?
Jim:
You pet the animals they pet you back.
—
Jim
,
The Office
Funny Quotes
T.V Quotes
Share
On sex:
‘Unless I just scored a touchdown for a flag football team, don’t spank my ass.
—
Jenna Marbles
,
My Videos | Jenna Marbles
Life Tips
Life Facts
Funny Quotes
Sex Quotes
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Of course, I'm not a doctor; I just watch a lot of ER and House.
—
Tucker Max
,
Hilarity Ensues
Tucker Max Quotes
Funny Quotes
Offensive Quotes
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If you EVER speak ill of the McGriddle again I will personally force-feed you one while I fuck you in the butt using the wrapper as a condom and then donkey punch you when the infused syrup nuggets explode in your mouth.
—
Tucker Max
,
I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
Funny Quotes
Vulgar Quotes
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C'est comme choisir entre peste et cholera.
—
Sam Touzani
,
Libre propos d’un mécréant – 1 an après Charlie – Sam Touzani
Life
Funny Quotes
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If cats could text you back, they wouldn't.
—
Audrey Porne
,
via twitter.com
Funny Quotes
cats
Texting
Pets
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I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I'm going to a different cafe.
—
Cause We're Guys
,
via twitter.com
Funny Quotes
One Direction
Music
Cafe
Music Can Take You To Another Place
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Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
—
Sherry
,
via twitter.com
Funny Quotes
Profanity
East Coast Humor
swearing
Cursing
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Saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
—
Matt Oswalt
,
via twitter.com
Funny Quotes
Fiancee
The One That Got Away
IKEA
Relationships
Dating
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Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
—
Jimmy Sharpe
,
via twitter.com
Funny Quotes
Meetings
Workplace
Bored
Bored Thoughts
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Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
—
Elizabeth Hackett
,
via twitter.com
Funny Quotes
Drunk
Drinking
Going Out
Friends
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I'm sick of the commute to my refrigerator.
—
June O'Hara
,
via twitter.com
Funny Quotes
Commuting
eating
Refrigerator
Lazy
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Putting your iPod on shuffle around your friends is like playing Russian roulette with their respect for you.
—
Holly Ann
,
via twitter.com
Funny Quotes
Music
Friendships
Russian Roulette
Respect
iPod
Playlist
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To whoever invented the zero: thanks for nothing.
—
Bad Joke Cat
,
via twitter.com
Terrible Jokes
Not Funny But Funny Jokes
Zero
Math Jokes
Number Jokes
Funny Quotes
Share
I don't think we’re as amazing as our parents are. I'm not going to have any struggles to tell my kids about. What's my story going to be like?
Ah, son, once, when I was flying from New York to L.A., my iPad died!
—
Aziz Ansari
,
Aziz Ansari: Live at Madison Square Garden - Thanks Mom and Dad - Netflix [HD]
iPads
Millennials
Funny Quotes
Share
My bank statement just looks like a list of every fast food restaurant within a 10-mile radius.
—
Christopher Hudspeth
,
via twitter.com
Funny Quotes
Fast Food
Bank Statement Quotes
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A good way to get to know your date is to ask about their first pet, favorite movie & mom’s maiden name, then login & read all their emails.
—
Christopher Hudspeth
,
via twitter.com
How To Get Know Your Date
Dating Tips
Funny Dating Tips
Hacker
Email
Funny Quotes
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Ladies, if an obnoxious guy keeps insisting you give him your number, take his phone like you're adding your info, then Venmo yourself $4000
—
Rob Fee
,
via twitter.com
Funny Tweets
Hysterical Quotes
Funny Quotes
Best Funny Quotes
Venmo
Annoying Guys
Phone Number
How To Deal With Assholes
Funny
Share
Want to hear a construction joke? I'm working on it.
—
Bad Joke Cat
,
via twitter.com
Punny
Jokes
Funny Quotes
Clean Jokes
One Line Jokes
Funny Jokes
Puns
Funny Puns
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Have a new housekeeper coming over today; just finished cleaning the whole house for her.
—
Kelly Oxford
,
via twitter.com
Haha
Funny Quotes
Housekeeper
Cleaning Homes
I Thought I Was The Only One Who Did This
Funny Tweets
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At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
—
Zach Galafianakis
,
What is your favorite one-liner joke? • /r/AskReddit
Funny Quotes
Highways
Adoption
Stand-Up Quotes
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I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.
—
Jack Handey
,
What is your favorite one-liner joke? • /r/AskReddit
Funny Quotes
Family
Death
Terrible Jokes
Funny
Dark Jokes
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If I could have any superpower, I'd want to be able to whisper to someone:
Your opinion is wrong and bad!
and have them internalize it.
—
Josh Gondelman
,
via twitter.com
Funny Quotes
Best Jokes
Supowers
Share
Like a German vegetarian, I feared the wurst.
—
Unknown
,
What is your favorite one-liner joke? • /r/AskReddit
Funny Quotes
German
Wurst
Puns
play on words
Vegetarian
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The key to success in life is to work hard, set goals, and have access to a powerful magic spellbook.
—
wolf pup
,
via twitter.com
Funny Quotes
Best Jokes
Funny Jokes
Success Jokes
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People say I'm condescending.
That means I talk down to people.
—
Unknown
,
What is your favorite one-liner joke? • /r/AskReddit
Funny Quotes
Condescending
Confidence
Big Ego
Talking Down To People
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I don't have a girlfriend, but I know a woman who would get really angry if she heard me say that.
—
Mitch Hedberg
,
What is your favorite one-liner joke? • /r/AskReddit
Funny Quotes
Girlfriend
Dating
Relationships
Couple Fights
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Two mallards walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
—
Unknown
,
Reddit, what is the best one liner joke you've ever heard? • /r/AskReddit
Funny Quotes
One-Liners
Puns
Animal Jokes
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It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
—
Unknown
,
Reddit, what is the best one liner joke you've ever heard? • /r/AskReddit
Funny Quotes
Kleptomaniacs
Punny Jokes
One-Liners
Share
A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.
—
Unknown
,
Reddit, what is the best one liner joke you've ever heard? • /r/AskReddit
Funny Quotes
Double Entendre
Punny Jokes
Share
'I'm sorry' and 'I apologize' mean the same thing, except when you're at a funeral
—
Demetri Martin
,
via www.reddit.com
Funny Quotes
Apologizing
funerals
Socially Awkward
Share
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
—
Unknown
,
E-Mail Humor
Funny Quotes
Jokes
Best Jokes
Makes You Think Jokes
Night Jokes
Day
Share
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
—
Wes Bergmann
,
via twitter.com
Elevator Jokes
Sex
Amazing Puns
Greatest Puns
Best Puns of All Time
Puns
Funny Quotes
Elevator Sex
Share
I'm trying to be less self-deprecating, but I'm not very good at it.
—
Unknown
,
Reddit, what is the best one liner joke you've ever heard? • /r/AskReddit
Funny Quotes
One-Liners
Self-Deprecating Humor
Self-Deprecating
Share
I removed the shell from my racing snail to make him go faster, but if anything it made him more sluggish.
—
Unknown
,
Reddit, what is the best one liner joke you've ever heard? • /r/AskReddit
Funny Quotes
Animal Jokes
Puns
One-Liners
Share
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
—
Unknown
,
E-Mail Humor
Funny Quotes
Jokes
Best Jokes
Makes You Think Jokes
Night Jokes
Day
Share
Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
—
Unknown
,
E-Mail Humor
Funny Quotes
Jokes
Best Jokes
Makes You Think Jokes
Share
Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
—
Unknown
,
The 25 Best Two-Line Jokes Ever. #14 Is Priceless.
Funny Quotes
Two-Liners
Math Jokes
Puns
Parallel Lines
Share
Why is
abbreviation
such a long word?
—
Unkown
,
Why!?
Funny Quotes
For Real Tho Why
Share
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
—
Joseph Nuttin
,
Psychoanalysis and Personality
Funny Quotes
LOL
Bad Memory
Memory Jokes
Funny Jokes
Smart Jokes
Makes You Think Jokes
Share
A dyslexic man walks into a bra....
—
Droidgee
,
Short bad jokes for a terrible long day.
Funny Jokes
Dyslexic
Funny Quotes
Best Jokes
Dyslexia Jokes
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I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
—
Jackie Mason
,
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Wills and Estates
Money
Funny Quotes
Money Jokes
Broke Jokes
I'm Rich (LOL)
Share
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
—
Melissa L. Bryant
,
How She Fought: The Full Story
Funny Quotes
Smart Jokes
Jokes
Materialism
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