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50 Paulo Coelho Quotes That Will Soothe Your Aching Soul

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24 'Stranger Things' Quotes To Help Hold You Over Until The Second Season

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107 Of The Greatest Single Sentences In Literature

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All Quotes tagged Funny Quotes(166)

I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest... It's his altar ego.

— GabeRothel, I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest

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I met some chess players in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about how good they were. It was chess nuts bragging in an open foyer.

— porichoygupto, I met some chess players in the hotel lobby. They were bragging about how good they are.

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If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

— Jack Handy, Jack Handy - 197 quotes

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Austin Powers: Did you just soil yourself?

Fat Bastard: Maybe? It did sound a little wet, didn't it? Right at the end. Let's have a smell alright. Ohh wafting, wafting. Ohh everyone likes their own brand, this is magic. Alright analysis... It smells like carrots and throws up. Ohh that could gag a maggot. I smell like hot sick ass in a dead carcass. Ohh even stink would say that stinks. You know when you go into an apartment building and you smell cooking on each floor and you go what are they cooking? That, plus crap.

— Fat Bastard (Mike Myers), Austin Powers in Goldmember

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Do you find me sexy? Ohhhh, look at my tit-ays.

— Fat Bastard (Mike Myers), Austin Powers in Goldmember

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Here's my diaper. I think I might have pinched one off too soon. [Sniffs diaper] Oh ya, I left a rosebud in there for ya.

— Fat Bastard (Mike Myers), Austin Powers in Goldmember

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Of course, I'm not happy. Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you. I've got more chins than Chinese phone book. I've not seen my willy in two years which is long enough to declare I'm legally dead.

— Fat Bastard (Mike Myers), Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

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Listen missy, do you fancy another go? Because once you've had fat you never go back.

— Fat Bastard (Mike Myers), Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

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Dr. Evil, let me make you a deal alright? You keep the mojo, you keep the money. And I'll get your baby [while smacking lips].

— Fat Bastard (Mike Myers), Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

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Come here I'm going to eat you. I'm bigger than you I'm higher on the food chain. Get in my belly!

— Fat Bastard (Mike Myers), Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

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First things first, where's your shitter? I've got a turtle head poking out. I'm not kidding I got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. Christ I'm getting all emotinoal from it, ya know?

— Fat Bastard (Mike Myers), Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

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I can't belive Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of monogomy was a fembot all along. Wait a tick, that means I'm single again! Oh, behave!!

— Austin Powers (Mike Myers), Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

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Machine gun jubblies? How did I miss those baby?

— Austin Powers (Mike Myers), Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

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Vanessa: What shall we do now?

Austin Powers: I have an idea baby why don't we shag?

Vanessa: Again?

Austin Powers: Sure baby we're only up to Chapter 11 in the Kama Sutra.

— Austin Powers (Mike Myers), Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

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Vanessa: Do you smoke Austin?

Austin Powers: I don't know baby I never looked.

— Austin Powers (Mike Myers), Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

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Austin Powers: Who does number two work for?

Cowboy: That's right buddy you show that turd who's boss.

— Austin Powers (Mike Myers), Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

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Interviewer: You're known for your curves. Have they ever got you into trouble?

Dolly: Well yes, but that's why I had curves – I wanted them to get me into trouble.

— Dolly Parton, Dolly Parton: 'I look like a woman but I think like a man'

Funny Quotes Sassy Quotes Complicated Feminism Economic Empowerment Female Empowerment What Is Feminist?What is Feminine?

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I'm obsessed with Beyonce. And because I'm not worthy I did not look at her.

— Anna Kendrick, Anna Kendrick

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Naked selfies your life away. Go do your thing. But clean your room.

— Anna Kendrick, Anna Kendrick

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I've been trying to be more healthy. It's the worst.

— Anna Kendrick, Anna Kendrick

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Why do I buy cooking magazines in airports? I might as well be buying porn. I get all excited but there's nothing I can do about it.

— Anna Kendrick, Anna Kendrick

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For someone with such an intense need to be liked you'd think I would have figured out how to be less of an a--hole.

— Anna Kendrick, Anna Kendrick

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Ugh, NEVER going to a Ryan Gosling movie in a theatre again. Apparently masturbating in the back row is still considered ‘inappropriate.

— Anna Kendrick, Anna Kendrick Twitter

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I'm the person who wouldn't send back my food even if I got steak when I'd ordered fish.

— Anna Kendrick, Anna Kendrick: 'It's all about that fatal flaw'

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Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say 'Netflix and avoiding responsibilities.'

— Anna Kendrick, Anna Kendrick

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You don't need a license to drive a sandwich.

— Spongebob Squarepants, Spongebob Squarepants

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Are you Squidward now? ... That’s okay take your time.

— Patrick Star, Spongebob Squarepants

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I’ll have you know that I stubbed by toe last week and only cried for 20 minutes.

— Spongebob Squarepants, Spongebob Squarepants

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Spongebob: Patrick, you're a genius!"

"Patrick: Yeah, I get called that a lot."

"Spongebob: What? A genius?"

"Patrick: No, Patrick.

— Spongebob Squarepants and Patrick Star, Spongebob Squarepants

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Firmly grasp it in your hand.

— Patrick Star, Spongebob Squarepants

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Remember, licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets.

— Mr. Krabs, Spongebob Squarepants

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He was so ugly everyone died.

— Patrick Star, Spongebob Squarepants

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Squidward: If that was you on the phone and you on the bus then who was flickering the lights.

Nosferatu

— Squidward, Spongebob Squarepants

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Fine I guess you're gonna miss The Panty Raid.

— Patrick Star, Spongebob Squarepants

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Narrator: So much later that the old narrator got tired waiting and they had to hire a new one.

— Narrator, Spongebob Squarepants

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Person on phone: Is this the Krusty Krab?

Patrick: No this is Patrick.

— Patrick Star, Spongebob Squarepants

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Black people playing tennis, next white people will be tap dancing!

— Will Smith, Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air Complete Series

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Roses are red, violets are blue, me and jazz are black, Carlton what are you?

— Will Smith, Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air Series

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Hey girl, I'd marry your brother just to be in your family.

— Will Smith, Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air Series

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By the end of the fourth grade, the lunch lady was actually the person I hung out with the most.

— Michael, The Office

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Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.

— Michael, The Office

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One thing you need to know about me, I don't quit, until something tears or pops.

— Dwight, The Office

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I wonder what people like about my? Probably my jugs.

— Phyllis, The Office

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It is exactly 12:23. The exact moment you emerged my your mothers vaginal canal.

— Dwight, The Office

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The only problem is when I try to make a taco, I get too excited.

— Kevin, The Office

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I don't need the woods, I have a nice wood desk. And I don't need fresh air, I have the freshest air around, A.C.

— Michael, The Office

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Jim: "Question: What kind of bear is best?"
Dwight: "That's a ridiculous question."
Jim: "False. Black bear.

— Jim And Dwight, The Office

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Whenever i'm about to do something, I think. 'Would an idiot do that? And if they would, I do not do that thing.

— Dwight, The Office

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There's too many people on this earth, we need a new plague.

— Dwight, The Office

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Pam would you please tell Darryl this is not a women's suit.

— Michael, The Office

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Dwight you ignorant slut.

— Michael, The Office

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When I see someone smile at me all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

— Dwight, The Office

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I've been involved in a number of cults both as a leader and a follower.

— Creed, The Office

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I have egg in my croc.

— Michael, The Office

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What's a two way petting zoo?

Jim: You pet the animals they pet you back.

— Jim, The Office

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On sex: ‘Unless I just scored a touchdown for a flag football team, don’t spank my ass.

— Jenna Marbles, My Videos | Jenna Marbles

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Of course, I'm not a doctor; I just watch a lot of ER and House.

— Tucker Max, Hilarity Ensues

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If you EVER speak ill of the McGriddle again I will personally force-feed you one while I fuck you in the butt using the wrapper as a condom and then donkey punch you when the infused syrup nuggets explode in your mouth.

— Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

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C'est comme choisir entre peste et cholera.

— Sam Touzani, Libre propos d’un mécréant – 1 an après Charlie – Sam Touzani

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If cats could text you back, they wouldn't.

— Audrey Porne, via twitter.com

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I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I'm going to a different cafe.

— Cause We're Guys, via twitter.com

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Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

— Sherry, via twitter.com

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Saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

— Matt Oswalt, via twitter.com

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Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

— Jimmy Sharpe, via twitter.com

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Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

— Elizabeth Hackett, via twitter.com

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I'm sick of the commute to my refrigerator.

— June O'Hara, via twitter.com

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Putting your iPod on shuffle around your friends is like playing Russian roulette with their respect for you.

— Holly Ann, via twitter.com

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To whoever invented the zero: thanks for nothing.

— Bad Joke Cat, via twitter.com

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I don't think we’re as amazing as our parents are. I'm not going to have any struggles to tell my kids about. What's my story going to be like? Ah, son, once, when I was flying from New York to L.A., my iPad died!

— Aziz Ansari, Aziz Ansari: Live at Madison Square Garden - Thanks Mom and Dad - Netflix [HD]

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My bank statement just looks like a list of every fast food restaurant within a 10-mile radius.

— Christopher Hudspeth, via twitter.com

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A good way to get to know your date is to ask about their first pet, favorite movie & mom’s maiden name, then login & read all their emails.

— Christopher Hudspeth, via twitter.com

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Ladies, if an obnoxious guy keeps insisting you give him your number, take his phone like you're adding your info, then Venmo yourself $4000

— Rob Fee, via twitter.com

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Want to hear a construction joke? I'm working on it. — Bad Joke Cat

Want to hear a construction joke? I'm working on it.

— Bad Joke Cat, via twitter.com

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Have a new housekeeper coming over today; just finished cleaning the whole house for her.

— Kelly Oxford, via twitter.com

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At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

— Zach Galafianakis, What is your favorite one-liner joke? • /r/AskReddit

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers. — Jack Handey

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.

— Jack Handey, What is your favorite one-liner joke? • /r/AskReddit

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If I could have any superpower, I'd want to be able to whisper to someone: Your opinion is wrong and bad! and have them internalize it.

— Josh Gondelman, via twitter.com

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Like a German vegetarian, I feared the wurst.

— Unknown, What is your favorite one-liner joke? • /r/AskReddit

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The key to success in life is to work hard, set goals, and have access to a powerful magic spellbook.

— wolf pup, via twitter.com

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People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.

— Unknown, What is your favorite one-liner joke? • /r/AskReddit

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I don't have a girlfriend, but I know a woman who would get really angry if she heard me say that.

— Mitch Hedberg, What is your favorite one-liner joke? • /r/AskReddit

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Two mallards walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

— Unknown, Reddit, what is the best one liner joke you've ever heard? • /r/AskReddit

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It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

— Unknown, Reddit, what is the best one liner joke you've ever heard? • /r/AskReddit

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A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.

— Unknown, Reddit, what is the best one liner joke you've ever heard? • /r/AskReddit

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'I'm sorry' and 'I apologize' mean the same thing, except when you're at a funeral

— Demetri Martin, via www.reddit.com

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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

— Unknown, E-Mail Humor

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Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

— Wes Bergmann, via twitter.com

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I'm trying to be less self-deprecating, but I'm not very good at it.

— Unknown, Reddit, what is the best one liner joke you've ever heard? • /r/AskReddit

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I removed the shell from my racing snail to make him go faster, but if anything it made him more sluggish.

— Unknown, Reddit, what is the best one liner joke you've ever heard? • /r/AskReddit

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A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

— Unknown, E-Mail Humor

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Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

— Unknown, E-Mail Humor

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Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

— Unknown, The 25 Best Two-Line Jokes Ever. #14 Is Priceless.

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Why is abbreviation such a long word?

— Unkown, Why!?

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

— Joseph Nuttin, Psychoanalysis and Personality

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A dyslexic man walks into a bra....

— Droidgee, Short bad jokes for a terrible long day.

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I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

— Jackie Mason, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Wills and Estates

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You can't have everything... where would you put it?

— Melissa L. Bryant, How She Fought: The Full Story

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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

— Scrappy_Larue, What's your best two line joke? • /r/AskReddit

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I gotta stop bringing up finishing seasons of TV shows like it's an accomplishment

— Mike Ginn, via twitter.com

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There's nothing more beautifully optimistic than a sign for a lost bird.

— Mike Ginn, via twitter.com

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