Funny Quotes Quotes | Quote Catalog

Featured Posts

50 Paulo Coelho Quotes That Will Soothe Your Aching Soul

50 Paulo Coelho Quotes That Will Soothe Your Aching Soul

24 'Stranger Things' Quotes To Help Hold You Over Until The Second Season

24 'Stranger Things' Quotes To Help Hold You Over Until The Second Season

Pick Up Lines For Girls

Pick Up Lines For Girls

107 Of The Greatest Single Sentences In Literature

107 Of The Greatest Single Sentences In Literature

18 Grey's Anatomy Quotes That Were All Too Real For Television

18 Grey's Anatomy Quotes That Were All Too Real For Television

50 Quotes That Prove It Takes Strength To Let Your Vulnerable Side Show

50 Quotes That Prove It Takes Strength To Let Your Vulnerable Side Show

All Quotes tagged Funny Quotes(169)

What did Taylor Swift say to the melon? Look what you made me dew!

— Maria Monrovia, 50 Food Puns To Dish Out When You’re Hungry For Laughs

Food Puns Puns Funny Funny Quotes

Share

What do you say to a herb that’s running late? It’s about thyme!

— Maria Monrovia, 50 Food Puns To Dish Out When You’re Hungry For Laughs

Food Puns Puns Funny Funny Quotes

Share

Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter? I’m not telling you. You might spread it!

— Maria Monrovia, 50 Food Puns To Dish Out When You’re Hungry For Laughs

Food Puns Puns Funny Funny Quotes

Share

I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest... It's his altar ego.

— GabeRothel, I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest

Funny dad jokes Funny Quotes

Share

I met some chess players in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about how good they were. It was chess nuts bragging in an open foyer.

— porichoygupto, I met some chess players in the hotel lobby. They were bragging about how good they are.

Funny Quotes Funny Jokes dad jokes Funny

Share

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

— Jack Handy, Jack Handy - 197 quotes

Funny Quotes Sarcasm Quotes Joke Quotes

Share

Austin Powers: Did you just soil yourself?

Fat Bastard: Maybe? It did sound a little wet, didn't it? Right at the end. Let's have a smell alright. Ohh wafting, wafting. Ohh everyone likes their own brand, this is magic. Alright analysis... It smells like carrots and throws up. Ohh that could gag a maggot. I smell like hot sick ass in a dead carcass. Ohh even stink would say that stinks. You know when you go into an apartment building and you smell cooking on each floor and you go what are they cooking? That, plus crap.

— Fat Bastard (Mike Myers), Austin Powers in Goldmember

Funny Quotes Movie Quotes Best of Quotes

Share

Do you find me sexy? Ohhhh, look at my tit-ays.

— Fat Bastard (Mike Myers), Austin Powers in Goldmember

Funny Quotes Movie Quotes Best of Quotes

Share

Here's my diaper. I think I might have pinched one off too soon. [Sniffs diaper] Oh ya, I left a rosebud in there for ya.

— Fat Bastard (Mike Myers), Austin Powers in Goldmember

Funny Quotes Movie Quotes Best of Quotes

Share

Of course, I'm not happy. Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you. I've got more chins than Chinese phone book. I've not seen my willy in two years which is long enough to declare I'm legally dead.

— Fat Bastard (Mike Myers), Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

Funny Quotes Movie Quotes Best of Quotes

Share

Listen missy, do you fancy another go? Because once you've had fat you never go back.

— Fat Bastard (Mike Myers), Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

Funny Quotes Movie Quotes Best of Quotes

Share

Dr. Evil, let me make you a deal alright? You keep the mojo, you keep the money. And I'll get your baby [while smacking lips].

— Fat Bastard (Mike Myers), Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

Funny Quotes Movie Quotes Best of Quotes

Share

Come here I'm going to eat you. I'm bigger than you I'm higher on the food chain. Get in my belly!

— Fat Bastard (Mike Myers), Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

Funny Quotes Movie Quotes Best of Quotes

Share

First things first, where's your shitter? I've got a turtle head poking out. I'm not kidding I got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. Christ I'm getting all emotinoal from it, ya know?

— Fat Bastard (Mike Myers), Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

Funny Quotes Movie Quotes Best of Quotes

Share

I can't belive Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of monogomy was a fembot all along. Wait a tick, that means I'm single again! Oh, behave!!

— Austin Powers (Mike Myers), Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Funny Quotes Movie Quotes Best Moments

Share

Machine gun jubblies? How did I miss those baby?

— Austin Powers (Mike Myers), Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Funny Quotes Movie Quotes Best Moments

Share

Vanessa: What shall we do now?

Austin Powers: I have an idea baby why don't we shag?

Vanessa: Again?

Austin Powers: Sure baby we're only up to Chapter 11 in the Kama Sutra.

— Austin Powers (Mike Myers), Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Funny Quotes Movie Quotes Best Moments

Share

Vanessa: Do you smoke Austin?

Austin Powers: I don't know baby I never looked.

— Austin Powers (Mike Myers), Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Funny Quotes Movie Quotes Best Moments

Share

Austin Powers: Who does number two work for?

Cowboy: That's right buddy you show that turd who's boss.

— Austin Powers (Mike Myers), Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

Funny Quotes Movie Quotes Best Moments

Share

Interviewer: You're known for your curves. Have they ever got you into trouble?

Dolly: Well yes, but that's why I had curves – I wanted them to get me into trouble.

— Dolly Parton, Dolly Parton: 'I look like a woman but I think like a man'

Funny Quotes Sassy Quotes Complicated Feminism Economic Empowerment Female Empowerment What Is Feminist?What is Feminine?

Share

I'm obsessed with Beyonce. And because I'm not worthy I did not look at her.

— Anna Kendrick, Anna Kendrick

Funny Quotes Beyonce

Share

Naked selfies your life away. Go do your thing. But clean your room.

— Anna Kendrick, Anna Kendrick

Funny Quotes Interview Quotes

Share

I've been trying to be more healthy. It's the worst.

— Anna Kendrick, Anna Kendrick

Funny Quotes Youtube

Share

Why do I buy cooking magazines in airports? I might as well be buying porn. I get all excited but there's nothing I can do about it.

— Anna Kendrick, Anna Kendrick

Funny Quotes Twitter Quotes

Share

For someone with such an intense need to be liked you'd think I would have figured out how to be less of an a--hole.

— Anna Kendrick, Anna Kendrick

Funny Quotes asshole

Share

Ugh, NEVER going to a Ryan Gosling movie in a theatre again. Apparently masturbating in the back row is still considered ‘inappropriate.

— Anna Kendrick, Anna Kendrick Twitter

Funny Quotes Twitter Quotes

Share

I'm the person who wouldn't send back my food even if I got steak when I'd ordered fish.

— Anna Kendrick, Anna Kendrick: 'It's all about that fatal flaw'

Funny Quotes Badass Quotes

Share

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say 'Netflix and avoiding responsibilities.'

— Anna Kendrick, Anna Kendrick

Twitter Funny Quotes

Share

You don't need a license to drive a sandwich.

— Spongebob Squarepants, Spongebob Squarepants

T.V Quotes Funny Quotes

Share

Are you Squidward now? ... That’s okay take your time.

— Patrick Star, Spongebob Squarepants

T.V Quotes Funny Quotes

Share

I’ll have you know that I stubbed by toe last week and only cried for 20 minutes.

— Spongebob Squarepants, Spongebob Squarepants

Spongebob T.V Quotes Funny Quotes

Share

Spongebob: Patrick, you're a genius!"

"Patrick: Yeah, I get called that a lot."

"Spongebob: What? A genius?"

"Patrick: No, Patrick.

— Spongebob Squarepants and Patrick Star, Spongebob Squarepants

T.V Quotes Funny Quotes

Share

Firmly grasp it in your hand.

— Patrick Star, Spongebob Squarepants

T.V Quotes Funny Quotes Nick Quotes

Share

Remember, licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets.

— Mr. Krabs, Spongebob Squarepants

Funny Quotes T.V Quotes

Share

He was so ugly everyone died.

— Patrick Star, Spongebob Squarepants

T.V Shows Funny Quotes

Share

Squidward: If that was you on the phone and you on the bus then who was flickering the lights.

Nosferatu

— Squidward, Spongebob Squarepants

Funny Quotes T.V Quotes Nick

Share

Fine I guess you're gonna miss The Panty Raid.

— Patrick Star, Spongebob Squarepants

T.V Quotes Funny Quotes

Share

Narrator: So much later that the old narrator got tired waiting and they had to hire a new one.

— Narrator, Spongebob Squarepants

T.V Quotes Funny Quotes

Share

Person on phone: Is this the Krusty Krab?

Patrick: No this is Patrick.

— Patrick Star, Spongebob Squarepants

Funny Quotes T.V Quotes

Share

Black people playing tennis, next white people will be tap dancing!

— Will Smith, Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air Complete Series

Funny Quotes T.V Quotes Will Smith

Share

Roses are red, violets are blue, me and jazz are black, Carlton what are you?

— Will Smith, Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air Series

T.V Quotes Funny Quotes

Share

Hey girl, I'd marry your brother just to be in your family.

— Will Smith, Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air Series

T.V Quotes Funny Quotes

Share

By the end of the fourth grade, the lunch lady was actually the person I hung out with the most.

— Michael, The Office

The Office Quotes Office Quotes T.V Quotes Funny Quotes

Share

Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.

— Michael, The Office

The Office Quotes Office Quotes T.V Quotes Funny Quotes

Share

One thing you need to know about me, I don't quit, until something tears or pops.

— Dwight, The Office

The Office Quotes Office Quotes T.V Quotes Funny Quotes

Share

I wonder what people like about my? Probably my jugs.

— Phyllis, The Office

T.V Quotes Funny Quotes The Office

Share

It is exactly 12:23. The exact moment you emerged my your mothers vaginal canal.

— Dwight, The Office

Funny Quotes T.V Quotes Office Quotes

Share

The only problem is when I try to make a taco, I get too excited.

— Kevin, The Office

T.V Quotes The Office Quotes Funny Quotes

Share

I don't need the woods, I have a nice wood desk. And I don't need fresh air, I have the freshest air around, A.C.

— Michael, The Office

T.V Quotes The Office Quotes Funny Quotes

Share

Jim: "Question: What kind of bear is best?"
Dwight: "That's a ridiculous question."
Jim: "False. Black bear.

— Jim And Dwight, The Office

The Office Quotes T.V Quotes Funny Quotes

Share

Whenever i'm about to do something, I think. 'Would an idiot do that? And if they would, I do not do that thing.

— Dwight, The Office

T.V Quotes Funny Quotes

Share

There's too many people on this earth, we need a new plague.

— Dwight, The Office

T.V Quotes Funny Quotes T.V

Share

Pam would you please tell Darryl this is not a women's suit.

— Michael, The Office

T.V Quotes Funny Quotes

Share

Dwight you ignorant slut.

— Michael, The Office

T.V Quotes Funny Quotes The Office Quotes

Share

When I see someone smile at me all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

— Dwight, The Office

T.V Quotes Funny Quotes

Share

I've been involved in a number of cults both as a leader and a follower.

— Creed, The Office

T.V Quotes Funny Quotes

Share

I have egg in my croc.

— Michael, The Office

T.V Quotes Funny Quotes T.V

Share

What's a two way petting zoo?

Jim: You pet the animals they pet you back.

— Jim, The Office

Funny Quotes T.V Quotes

Share

On sex: ‘Unless I just scored a touchdown for a flag football team, don’t spank my ass.

— Jenna Marbles, My Videos | Jenna Marbles

Life Tips Life Facts Funny Quotes Sex Quotes

Share

Of course, I'm not a doctor; I just watch a lot of ER and House.

— Tucker Max, Hilarity Ensues

Tucker Max Quotes Funny Quotes Offensive Quotes

Share

If you EVER speak ill of the McGriddle again I will personally force-feed you one while I fuck you in the butt using the wrapper as a condom and then donkey punch you when the infused syrup nuggets explode in your mouth.

— Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

Funny Quotes Vulgar Quotes

Share

C'est comme choisir entre peste et cholera.

— Sam Touzani, Libre propos d’un mécréant – 1 an après Charlie – Sam Touzani

Life Funny Quotes

Share

If cats could text you back, they wouldn't.

— Audrey Porne, via twitter.com

Funny Quotes cats Texting Pets

Share

I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I'm going to a different cafe.

— Cause We're Guys, via twitter.com

Funny Quotes One Direction Music Cafe Music Can Take You To Another Place

Share

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

— Sherry, via twitter.com

Funny Quotes Profanity East Coast Humor swearing Cursing

Share

Saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

— Matt Oswalt, via twitter.com

Funny Quotes Fiancee The One That Got Away IKEA Relationships Dating

Share

Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

— Jimmy Sharpe, via twitter.com

Funny Quotes Meetings Workplace Bored Bored Thoughts

Share

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

— Elizabeth Hackett, via twitter.com

Funny Quotes Drunk Drinking Going Out Friends

Share

I'm sick of the commute to my refrigerator.

— June O'Hara, via twitter.com

Funny Quotes Commuting eating Refrigerator Lazy

Share

Putting your iPod on shuffle around your friends is like playing Russian roulette with their respect for you.

— Holly Ann, via twitter.com

Funny Quotes Music Friendships Russian Roulette Respect iPod Playlist

Share

To whoever invented the zero: thanks for nothing.

— Bad Joke Cat, via twitter.com

Terrible Jokes Not Funny But Funny Jokes Zero Math Jokes Number Jokes Funny Quotes

Share

I don't think we’re as amazing as our parents are. I'm not going to have any struggles to tell my kids about. What's my story going to be like? Ah, son, once, when I was flying from New York to L.A., my iPad died!

— Aziz Ansari, Aziz Ansari: Live at Madison Square Garden - Thanks Mom and Dad - Netflix [HD]

iPads Millennials Funny Quotes

Share

My bank statement just looks like a list of every fast food restaurant within a 10-mile radius.

— Christopher Hudspeth, via twitter.com

Funny Quotes Fast Food Bank Statement Quotes

Share

A good way to get to know your date is to ask about their first pet, favorite movie & mom’s maiden name, then login & read all their emails.

— Christopher Hudspeth, via twitter.com

How To Get Know Your Date Dating Tips Funny Dating Tips Hacker Email Funny Quotes

Share

Ladies, if an obnoxious guy keeps insisting you give him your number, take his phone like you're adding your info, then Venmo yourself $4000

— Rob Fee, via twitter.com

Funny Tweets Hysterical Quotes Funny Quotes Best Funny Quotes Venmo Annoying Guys Phone Number How To Deal With Assholes Funny

Share

Want to hear a construction joke? I'm working on it. — Bad Joke Cat

Want to hear a construction joke? I'm working on it.

— Bad Joke Cat, via twitter.com

Punny Jokes Funny Quotes Clean Jokes One Line Jokes Funny Jokes Puns Funny Puns

Share

Have a new housekeeper coming over today; just finished cleaning the whole house for her.

— Kelly Oxford, via twitter.com

Haha Funny Quotes Housekeeper Cleaning Homes I Thought I Was The Only One Who Did This Funny Tweets

Share

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

— Zach Galafianakis, What is your favorite one-liner joke? • /r/AskReddit

Funny Quotes Highways Adoption Stand-Up Quotes

Share

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers. — Jack Handey

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.

— Jack Handey, What is your favorite one-liner joke? • /r/AskReddit

Funny Quotes Family Death Terrible Jokes Funny Dark Jokes

Share

If I could have any superpower, I'd want to be able to whisper to someone: Your opinion is wrong and bad! and have them internalize it.

— Josh Gondelman, via twitter.com

Funny Quotes Best Jokes Supowers

Share

Like a German vegetarian, I feared the wurst.

— Unknown, What is your favorite one-liner joke? • /r/AskReddit

Funny Quotes German Wurst Puns play on words Vegetarian

Share

The key to success in life is to work hard, set goals, and have access to a powerful magic spellbook.

— wolf pup, via twitter.com

Funny Quotes Best Jokes Funny Jokes Success Jokes

Share

People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.

— Unknown, What is your favorite one-liner joke? • /r/AskReddit

Funny Quotes Condescending Confidence Big Ego Talking Down To People

Share

I don't have a girlfriend, but I know a woman who would get really angry if she heard me say that.

— Mitch Hedberg, What is your favorite one-liner joke? • /r/AskReddit

Funny Quotes Girlfriend Dating Relationships Couple Fights

Share

Two mallards walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

— Unknown, Reddit, what is the best one liner joke you've ever heard? • /r/AskReddit

Funny Quotes One-Liners Puns Animal Jokes

Share

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

— Unknown, Reddit, what is the best one liner joke you've ever heard? • /r/AskReddit

Funny Quotes Kleptomaniacs Punny Jokes One-Liners

Share

A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.

— Unknown, Reddit, what is the best one liner joke you've ever heard? • /r/AskReddit

Funny Quotes Double Entendre Punny Jokes

Share

'I'm sorry' and 'I apologize' mean the same thing, except when you're at a funeral

— Demetri Martin, via www.reddit.com

Funny Quotes Apologizing funerals Socially Awkward

Share

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

— Unknown, E-Mail Humor

Funny Quotes Jokes Best Jokes Makes You Think Jokes Night Jokes Day

Share

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

— Wes Bergmann, via twitter.com

Elevator Jokes Sex Amazing Puns Greatest Puns Best Puns of All Time Puns Funny Quotes Elevator Sex

Share

I'm trying to be less self-deprecating, but I'm not very good at it.

— Unknown, Reddit, what is the best one liner joke you've ever heard? • /r/AskReddit

Funny Quotes One-Liners Self-Deprecating Humor Self-Deprecating

Share

I removed the shell from my racing snail to make him go faster, but if anything it made him more sluggish.

— Unknown, Reddit, what is the best one liner joke you've ever heard? • /r/AskReddit

Funny Quotes Animal Jokes Puns One-Liners

Share

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

— Unknown, E-Mail Humor

Funny Quotes Jokes Best Jokes Makes You Think Jokes Night Jokes Day

Share

Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

— Unknown, E-Mail Humor

Funny Quotes Jokes Best Jokes Makes You Think Jokes

Share

Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

— Unknown, The 25 Best Two-Line Jokes Ever. #14 Is Priceless.

Funny Quotes Two-Liners Math Jokes Puns Parallel Lines

Share

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

— Unkown, Why!?

Funny Quotes For Real Tho Why

Share

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

— Joseph Nuttin, Psychoanalysis and Personality

Funny Quotes LOL Bad Memory Memory Jokes Funny Jokes Smart Jokes Makes You Think Jokes

Share

A dyslexic man walks into a bra....

— Droidgee, Short bad jokes for a terrible long day.

Funny Jokes Dyslexic Funny Quotes Best Jokes Dyslexia Jokes

Share

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

— Jackie Mason, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Wills and Estates

Money Funny Quotes Money Jokes Broke Jokes I'm Rich (LOL)

Share

You can't have everything... where would you put it?

— Melissa L. Bryant, How She Fought: The Full Story

Funny Quotes Smart Jokes Jokes Materialism

Share