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South Park Quotes

“The fact is, I couldn't sleep last night, so I took some Ambien. You ever take that stuff? It turns your brains into oatmeal.”
— Mr. Hankey, South Park, Season 22: The Problem with a Poo
Tagged: Ambien, Brain Fog
“A ring that says you’d be together but not have sex. Isn't that called a wedding ring?”
— Butters, South Park, Season 13: The Ring
Tagged: wedding ring, Dead Bedrooms, Marriage
“How do you kill that which has no life?”
— Horrgash, South Park, Season 10: Make Love, Not Warcraft
Tagged: Walking Dead
“If you want to find some quality friends, you have to wade through all the dicks first.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 14: You Have 0 Friends
Tagged: Friends, Dicks
“Gary Harrison: [to Stan] Look, maybe us Mormons do believe in crazy stories that make absolutely no sense, and maybe Joseph Smith did make it all up, but I have a great life, and a great family, and I have the Book of Mormon to thank for that. The truth is, I don't care if Joseph Smith made it all up, because what the church teaches now is loving your family, being nice and helping people. And even though people in this town might think that's stupid, I still choose to believe in it. All I ever did was try to be your friend, Stan, but you're so high and mighty you couldn't look past my religion and just be my friend back. You've got a lot of growing up to do, buddy. Suck my balls.
[turns around and walks off]

Eric Cartman: Damn, that kid is cool, huh?”
— Gary Harrison, South Park, Season 7: All About Mormons
Tagged: Mormons, joseph smith, suck my balls
“I'll tell you what happened, son! See, there's a bunch of idiots out there who weren't happy with what they had! They wanted a bigger house and materialistic things that they didn't even need. People with no money who got loans to buy frivolous things they had no business buying. And these assholes just blindly started buying any stupid thing that looked appealing, cause they thought money was endless! It goes back to when the government had the idea that everyone in America deserves to own a house, and they couldn't pay their mortgage because they couldn't afford them. So we have people having a hard time paying off their loans, meaning less money coming in. And the idiots couldn't see that by doing all this frivolous spending they were mocking the economy. And they made the economy very angry. We're all feeling the economy's vengeance because of materialistic heathens who did stupid things with their money! Do you understand, son?”
— Randy Marsh, South Park, Season 13: Margaritaville
Tagged: Materialism, Greed, Capitalism, Economy
“Randy Marsh: Alright, now listen kids. There's some things that we need to put into context for you. You see, a man puts his penis into a woman's vagina for both love and pleasure. But sometimes the woman lays on top of the man facing the other way so that they can put each other's genitals in their mouths. This is called 69ing, and it's normal.

Sharon Marsh: You see boys, a woman is sensitive in her vagina and it feels good to have a man's penis inside of it.

Sheila Broflovski: That's right. But sometimes a woman chooses to use other things. Telephones, staplers, magazines. It's because the nerve endings in the vagina are so sensitive, it's like a fun tickle.

Gerald Broflovski: Now, on the double penetration boys, you see, sometimes when a woman has sex with more than one man, each man makes love to a different orifice.

Randy Marsh: That's right. It's something adults can do with really good friends in a comfortable setting.

Sheila Broflovski: It's also important that you understand why some people choose to urinate on each other.

Randy Marsh: Going number one or number two on your lover is something people might do, but you must make sure your partner is okay with it before you start doing it.

Gerald Broflovski: Okay, boys, do you have any questions?

Stan Marsh: [astonished] Wow.”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 6: The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers
Tagged: sex ed, Sexual Education, penis, Vagina, sex toys, 69
“Well, thanks for offering to let me in your clique, guys, but, to be honest, I'd rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy Goth kid.”
— Butters, South Park, Season 7: Raisins
Tagged: Pussy, faggy, goth, Clique
“News Anchor: Any word on how the survivors in the town are doing, Mitch?

Reporter: We are not exactly sure what is going on inside the town of Beaverton Tom, but we are reporting that there's looting, raping and yes, even acts of cannibalism.

News Anchor: My God, you've actually seen people looting, raping and eating each other?

Reporter: No we haven't actually seen it Tom, we're just reporting it.”
— News Anchor, South Park, Season 9: Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow
Tagged: News, Fake News, tabloid journalism, beaverton, Looting, Raping, Cannibalism
“Butters: Oh well, when I get a chipotle blue-cheese bacon burger at Bennigan's, I forget all about my dad being queer and my mom is trying to kill me. I'm going to be okay.

Stan: Really?

Butters: No, I'm lying.”
— Butters, South Park, Season 5: Butters' Very Own Episode
Tagged: Queer, bennigan's
“...and these are Puff Daddy's kids: P-Diddy Mini, P-Poofy Bite-Size, and Puffa-Diddy Diddy Puff Fun-Size.”
— Will Smith Jr., South Park, Season 5: Here Comes the Neighborhood
Tagged: P. Diddy, Nicknames
“Truck Driver: Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some goddamn poontang.

Butters: Yeah. I could use some goddamn poontang myself right now.”
— Butters, South Park, Season 5: Butters' Very Own Episode
Tagged: poontang, Goddamn
“Chef: Parents. There are reasons why teachers can't teach sex in school. They might not know a lot about it, [camera fixes on Mr. Mackey] they might have a bad opinion of it, [camera moves to Ms. Choksondik] or they might just be a complete pervert. [camera moves to Mr. Garrison]

Mr. Garrison: Hey! Why'd the camera pan over to me?”
— Chef, South Park, Season 5: Proper Condom Use
Tagged: Sex Education, Pervert
“ America may have some problems, but it's our home, our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium.”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 5: Osama bin Laden Has Farty Pants
Tagged: America, Patriotism, Home Team
“Randy Marsh: You do not say 'big silly goose,' you call him an asshole like a normal kid!

Stan: But Dad, I was just trying to—

Randy Marsh: Stanley, you call your friend an asshole this instant!

Stan: [to Cartman] Asshole.

Randy Marsh: That's better.

Cartman: Don't call me an asshole, you big son of a bitch!”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 5: Cripple Fight
Tagged: asshole, Son of a Bitch, Assertiveness
“Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?

Chef: Dagnabbit children! How come every time you come in here, you gotta be asking me questions that I shouldn't be answering?! 'Chef, what's a clitoris?' 'What's a lesbian, Chef?' 'How come they call it a rim job, Chef?' For once, can't you just come in here and say 'Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?'

Stan: Okay. Hi, Chef. Nice day, isn't it?

Chef: It sure is!

Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?”
— Chef, South Park, Season 4: Fat Camp
Tagged: Prostitute, clitoris, Lesbian, rim job
“Pip: Joe, do you know anything about women?

Joe: Sure! They're those things with vaginas in 'em!”
— Pip, South Park, Season 4: Pip
Tagged: Women, Vaginas
“Pip: Let's hear it for Cartman's big fat ass!

[Cartman throws stone at Pip, who is struck and falls.]

Cartman: Do British people count as an ethnicity for hate crimes?

Others: Nah.

Cartman: Sweet.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 4: Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000
Tagged: big fat ass, hate crimes, british
“I do not have sex with boys. I like men my own age. Ah! I mean I like women. Ah! What did I just say? I like titties!”
— Mr. Garrison, South Park, Season 4: Cartman Joins NAMBLA
Tagged: NAMBLA, Sex With Boys, Confessions, Titties
“Radio Announcer: How do you feel about the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt, little boy?

Stan: This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 3: Hooked on Monkey Fonics
Tagged: That's Gay, Halloween
“We're not going to let them commit suicide, even if we have to kill them.”
— ATF Agent, South Park, Season 3: Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub
Tagged: Murder, Suicide
“We're all a little gay.”
— Jimbo, South Park, Season 3: Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub
Tagged: gay, everyone is gay
“Stan: Excuse me, we're looking for Chef.

Woman at front desk: Chef?

Kyle: He's a big guy with a beard.

Stan: And a chef's hat.

Kenny: And a real huge dick.

Woman at front desk: Oh, the black guy.

Stan: huh?”
— Trey Parker, South Park, Season 3: The Succubus
Tagged: black guy, huge dick, Racial Stereotypes
“Mr. Garrison: And never let poontang come between you and your friend!

Chef: Damn right, Garrison!”
— Chef, South Park, Season 3: The Succubus
Tagged: poontang, bros before hos
“Stan: Ah! A snake!

Kyle: No, dude, that's a branch.

Stan: Oh. Ah! It's a snake!

Kyle: No, dude, that's the same branch again.”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 3: Rainforest Shmainforest
Tagged: fear of snakes
“Priest Maxi: Good. Boys, how would you like to perform the Stations of the Cross this Friday night?

Stan: The what?

Priest Maxi: It's like a skit, where you re-enact the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Kyle: Hey, res-erection! That's what my dad needs!”
— Kyle Broflovski, South Park, Season 3: Spontaneous Combustion
Tagged: stations of the cross, erection, skit
“Priest Maxi: Blessed be the name of Jesus!

Crowd: It's a great name, isn't it?”
— Priest Maxi, South Park, Season 3: Spontaneous Combustion
Tagged: jesus
“Stan: You suck, Cartman! If you want to play America vs. Bosnia anymore, you can just play with yourself!

Cartman: That's fine! I like playing with myself! I'll play with myself all day long!

[Kenny laughs]

Cartman: What?”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Clubhouses
Tagged: playing with yourself, mastubation, Double Entendres
“I've learned something too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor ass losers like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home.”
— Eric Cartman, South Park, Season 2: Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls
Tagged: Selling Out, Money, losers
“Two million dollars?! The only way I can raise that kind of money is by whoring myself to every woman in town!”
— Chef, South Park, Season 2: Chef Aid
Tagged: prostitution, raising money, whoring
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