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Stan Marsh Quotes

Total quotes: 13
“ America may have some problems, but it's our home, our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium.”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 5: Osama bin Laden Has Farty Pants
Tagged: America, Patriotism, Home Team
“Ms. Crabtree: SHUT UP BACK THERE! ARRRGGGHHH!!!

Stan: Yeah, whatever, ya fat bitch.

Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Stan: I said, 'I have a bad itch.'

Ms. Crabtree: Oh.”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Fat-Shaming, fat bitch, shut up
“Radio Announcer: How do you feel about the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt, little boy?

Stan: This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 3: Hooked on Monkey Fonics
Tagged: That's Gay, Halloween
“Enya-style music: Take a look, take a look, take a look above the sky! Come and fly, take a ride—

Stan: This music is terrible! It's cheesy but lame, and eerily soothing at the same time!

Grampa: Now you know what's it's like to be old!”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Death
Tagged: enya, Music, soothing, old age
“Stan: You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people, but they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials but people on TV are as real as you or I.

Kyle: That means that MacGyver is a real person, too!”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
Tagged: TV, Reality, MacGyver
“Stan: Jesus, is it okay to kill somebody if they ask you to? Because they're in a lot of pain, you know, like assisted suicide?

[pause]

Jesus: My son, I wouldn't touch that with a sixty-foot pole.

Stan: [hangs up] Goddamn it!

Jesus: I heard that!”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Death
Tagged: prayer, jesus, Murder, Assisted Suicide, blasphemy
“Kyle: Well, it looks like she's not going to show up, Stan. Let's go look for the visitors, now.

Stan: But her note said she'd be here.

[Wendy appears out of nowhere]

Wendy: Hi, Stan. want to catch. [Stan sees Wendy, then throws up] Eww!

Kyle: You can't talk to Stan, Wendy. He throws up when you do.

Wendy: But why Stan?

[Stan tries to hold on, but he vomits instead]

Wendy: Eww!”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: stood up
“Stan: Thanks for your help, Wendy.

Wendy: Whatever, dude. I promise me you'll be here.

Stan: Hey, I didn't throw up.

Wendy: Cool! We're always be together.

[She's happy now. They both look at each other like they're going to kiss, and romantic music plays. Wendy puckers up. Stan gets queasy and vomits on her face]

Wendy: Eww!

Stan: Sorry.

Wendy: Hey, look, a French fry!

Stan: Cool!”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Tagged: Vomit, Friendship, Love
“[Cartman punches Kyle in the shoulder]

Kyle: Ow! What the hell was that for?!

Cartman: That's for your stupid mother! She made me miss Terrance & Phillip last night!

Clyde: Yeah, what's the big idea having your mom call our moms last night?

Kyle: Well I didn't have her do it. She did it on her own.

Cartman: Why does this happen every month? It seems like, right around the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something and I always end up getting screwed by it!

Mr. Garrison: Children! Children! A certain student's mother called me last night.

Cartman: [tauntingly] Oh, gee, I wonder whose mother that could have been?

Mr. Garrison: She informed me that some of you might be watching a, naughty show called Terrance & Phillip.

Class: Yeahh, woohoo!

Mr. Hat: Watching that show is bad, Mr. Garrison.

Mr. Garrison: That's right, Mr. Hat, shows like Terrance & Phillip are what we call 'toilet humor.' They don't expand your minds.

[silence]

Mr. Garrison: You see children, these kind of shows are senseless, vile trash.

[Kenny walks in]

Mr. Garrison: Kenny, why are you late to class?

[Kenny hands Mr. Garrison a note. The note reads 'Please excuse me from being late, I have a case of explosive Diarrhea, signed-K']

Mr. Garrison: Oh, okay Kenny, be seated.

[addressing the class]

Mr. Garrison: Now, as I was saying, the reason that parents of South Park are so upset is because...

[Kenny is waving his hand frantically]

Mr. Garrison: Yes Kenny, what is it?

Kenny: (I have to go pee.)

Mr. Garrison: I thought you just came from the bathroom.

Kenny: (I did, I gotta go again...)

Mr. Garrison: Okay okay, go ahead.

[Kenny goes in the restroom]

Mr. Garrison: As I was saying, you all seem to enjoy this show, even though it isn't based in reality. There's much more to life than two young men farting on each other. And throughout history there have always been shows that have come and gone that have been very bad, and usually they get taken right off the air. You see, you should be spending your time enlightening your minds with more intelligent entertainment.

[throughout the lecture, sounds of some serious diarrhea come from the bathroom. The sounds get progressively worse as Kenny reenters the classroom at the end of the lecture]

Stan: Whoa, smells like you slaughtered a cow in there, Kenny!

Mr. Garrison: Pay attention, children!”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Death
Tagged: bathroom humor, Defecation, Farting
“Stan: Aw man, I feel like a total choad.

Cartman: Aw come on, Stan. Maybe that's because you look like a total choad.

Chef: Hello there, Children!

Cartman: Hey, Chef!

Chef: [after looking at Cartman who's dressed like a Klansman] Aah!

Cartman: Whoa, Chef's really scared of ghosts, huh?”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Pinkeye
Tagged: choad, KKK, Klansman, Ghosts, Mistaken Identity
“Mrs. Crabtree: COME ON! WE'RE RUNNING LATE!

Stan: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch!

Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Stan: I said we're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.

Mrs. Crabtree: [calmly] Oh. Alright then. [drives off]

Kyle: Whoa, dude!

Stan: I always wondered if that would work.”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut
Tagged: fat ugly bitch, insults
“Randy Marsh: Alright, now listen kids. There's some things that we need to put into context for you. You see, a man puts his penis into a woman's vagina for both love and pleasure. But sometimes the woman lays on top of the man facing the other way so that they can put each other's genitals in their mouths. This is called 69ing, and it's normal.

Sharon Marsh: You see boys, a woman is sensitive in her vagina and it feels good to have a man's penis inside of it.

Sheila Broflovski: That's right. But sometimes a woman chooses to use other things. Telephones, staplers, magazines. It's because the nerve endings in the vagina are so sensitive, it's like a fun tickle.

Gerald Broflovski: Now, on the double penetration boys, you see, sometimes when a woman has sex with more than one man, each man makes love to a different orifice.

Randy Marsh: That's right. It's something adults can do with really good friends in a comfortable setting.

Sheila Broflovski: It's also important that you understand why some people choose to urinate on each other.

Randy Marsh: Going number one or number two on your lover is something people might do, but you must make sure your partner is okay with it before you start doing it.

Gerald Broflovski: Okay, boys, do you have any questions?

Stan Marsh: [astonished] Wow.”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 6: The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers
Tagged: sex ed, Sexual Education, penis, Vagina, sex toys, 69
“Stan: Man, recess sucks without any slides or nothing.

Cartman: [Damien approaches] Oh, here comes the unholy butthole now. Hey! Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch!

Damien: I a-pologize for ruining your playground and turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus. I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice.

[Cartman farts beside him.]

Cartman: Oh! Excuse me, new kid. I didn't mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice.

[Damien looks angry enough to burst a blood vessel, but he does nothing]

Stan: Phew! You stink, new kid. You smell like a fart.

Kyle: Yeah, we're gonna call you fart-boy from now on.

[Damien walks away from them]

Stan: Bye bye, fart-boy!

Kyle: See you!

Pip: Good day, how are you, Damien?

Damien: Those guys farted on me, and then called me...

Pip: Fart-boy? Oh, good! Perhaps they won't call me that anymore.”
— Stan Marsh, South Park, Season 1: Starvin' Marvin
Tagged: Farting, recess, Butthole, platypus
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