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Max Greenfield Quotes

Total quotes: 39
“I don’t celebrate Christmas. Or, as I like to call it, ‘White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night’.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 2: Santa
Tagged: Christmas, white, Winter, Privilege Night
“I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is like a unique experience.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 1: New Girl
Tagged: Sex, unique, Variety
“I had figure skating lessons until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 1: The 23rd
Tagged: figure, skating, Mom, sobered, realized, Boy
“Can you believe the zoo wouldn’t let me borrow their white tiger? I mean, the nerve! Philip Seymour Hoffman is going to be sitting at the back of the party thinking, ‘Look at that guy. He couldn’t even get a big cat.’”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 2: Re-launch
Tagged: Zoo, borrow, white tiger, Philip Seymour Hoffman, party, Guy, big cat
“Nick is delicate. Like a flower. Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 1: Naked
Tagged: Delicate, Simile Examples, Flower, chubby, damaged, Hate
“I’m really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? When I see you, I wanna be thinking, ‘Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?’”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 1: Wedding
Tagged: tonight, step it up, Slut, dirty
“Where have you been? I am having a major life crisis, and you guys are, what, just driving around, French kissing each other like a couple of Dutch hookers?”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 3: All In
Tagged: major life crisis, driving around, French Kissing, Simile Examples, dutch hookers
“Old people freak me out. With their hands and their legs. They’re like the people version of pleated pants.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 1: Backslide
Tagged: Old People, Freak, hands, legs, version, pleated pants
“Know this: your caveman ideas about manhood are so over. Manhood today is about exfoliation, cheese courses, emotional honesty, and Paxil.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 2: Parents
Tagged: Caveman, manhood, exfoliation, cheese courses, emotional honesty, Paxil
“The economy stinks, bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 1: Backslide
Tagged: Economy, Bees, Dying, Movies, sequels, upset
“I'm the squirrel and you're my nut. Winter is coming and I'm gonna store you in my cheek girl.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 2: Table 34
Tagged: Pickup Lines, Absurd Things to Say to a Girl, Squirrels
“Damn it! I can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere!”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 1: The Story of the 50
Tagged: Driving, moccasins, upset
“Please take that off. You look like a homeless pencil.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 2: Bachelorette Party
Tagged: take that off, homeless, Pencil
“Youths!”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 1: Valentine's Day
Tagged: Youths, youngings, Young People, kids
“Guess whose personalized condoms just arrived!”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 1: The Story of the 50
Tagged: Personalized, condoms, Excited
“Are you cooking a frittata in a sauce pan? What is this – prison?”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 2: Katie
Tagged: Cooking, frittata, sauce pan, Prison, Questions
“You cannot just call me at any time and just summon me for intercourse.”
— Schmidt,
Tagged: Sex, Being Used, Intercourse
“If you need me, I’ll be in my room, listening to some mainstream hip-hop.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 3: The Captain
Tagged: Room, Music, Listening, Mainstream, Hip-Hop
“Schmidt: No sig oths.

Cece: Just say ‘significant others.’ 

Schmidt: Maybe you have that kind of time, but I’m on a tight sched.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 3: Nerd
Tagged: Abbreviations, Significant Others, schedule
“Damp towel, damp! It’s like a really big wet nap. I feel like I’m being licked by a golden retriever. Look at this bathroom. There should not be two girls in this bathroom. You’re too humid.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 1: Jess and Julia
Tagged: damp towel, Nap, Simile Examples, Golden Retriever, Bathroom Bucket, humid
“Can someone please get my towel? It’s in my room next to my Irish walking cape!”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 1: Jess and Julia
Tagged: towel, Irish walking cape
“I cried the other day listening to a techno song. My tweets have been extremely literal.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 3: The Box
Tagged: Cried, techno song, Tweets, Literal
“It’s only romantic because it’s a wedding. I’d be just as happy to sabotage, I don’t know, let’s say, her tax audit.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 2: Elaine's Big Day
Tagged: Romantic, wedding, Happy, Sabotage, tax audit
“Winston, you’ve been staring at this girl for 5 minutes. Please tell me you’re checking her out, otherwise you’re a serial killer. Which would explain a lot.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 2: Fluffer
Tagged: staring, checking her out, serial killer
“Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It’s the wood of poor people and outhouses.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 1: Control
Tagged: Pine, loft, Poor People, outhouses, prestigious
“I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano’s phone number just by randomly choosing numbers.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 2: Bachelorette Party
Tagged: Success, Goals, Hard Work
“Without sex she's not your girlfriend okay? She's just a friend you buy meals for.”
— Schmidt, Modern Family, Season 2: Halloween
Tagged: Sex, friend zoned, Friends
“When you care about somebody you do what's best for them even if it sucks for you.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 1: See Ya
Tagged: Love, Sacrifice, good deeds
“What if he gets into an accident? What if he’s horribly disfigured, and I have to identify him, and all that remains are his private parts? I’m standing there, I’m saying, ‘Sorry, officer, I can’t help you, because no, I haven’t seen his penis.’ An then boom, he’s buried in an unmarked grave.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 1: Naked
Tagged: accident, horribly, private parts, penis, unmarked grave
“Open your cellar doors, and let us taste your jams.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 3: Cruise
Tagged: cellar, jam
“I hate your mustache because I miss your upper lip.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, Season 7: About Three Years Later
Tagged: Strange Things to Say, Odd Compliments
“Don’t pretend to know my pain.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 1: Backslide
Tagged: Pretend, Pain, Do Not
“Are you the criminals...from the statistics?!”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 6: Socalyalcon VI
Tagged: Paranoid, Sarcasm
“Have you seen my sharkskin laptop sleeve?”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 1: The Story of the 50
Tagged: Questions, sharkskin, Laptop, Sleeve
“This is a horrible neighborhood. There are youths everywhere!”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 1: Valentine's Day
Tagged: horrible, Neighborhood, Youths, Everywhere
“Can we just take a moment to celebrate me?”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 1: Secrets
Tagged: moment, Celebrate, take a moment
“I think we're all a little bit crazy.”
— Schmidt,
Tagged: craziness, psycho, Personalities
“Schmidt happens.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 1: Kryptonite
Tagged: Life, Shit Happens, Problems
“Schmidt: Here’s another tip, don’t ask a guy out on a first date on the least sexy holiday in America.

Jess: What are the sexiest holidays in America?

Schmidt: The most sexy holidays are the 4th of July — Independence Day, obviously. Women’s History Month. Christmas.”
— Schmidt, New Girl, New Girl Season 1: Thanksgiving
Tagged: Sexy, holiday, America, 4th of July, Christmas, Women's History Month
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