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Max Greenfield Quotes

Total quotes (35)

Max Greenfield

Max Greenfield

Birthname

Birthday September 4, 1980

Birthplace Dobbs Ferry, New York, United States

Nationality United States Of America

Occupations Actor, Television Actor

Characters Portrayed

Schmidt

Total quotes (35)

I had figure skating lessons until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy.

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl, Season 1: The 23rd

figure skating Mom sobered realized Boy

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Know this: your caveman ideas about manhood are so over. Manhood today is about exfoliation, cheese courses, emotional honesty, and Paxil.

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl, Season 2: Parents

Caveman manhood exfoliation cheese courses emotional honesty Paxil

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The economy stinks, bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now.

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl, Season 1: Backslide

Economy Bees Dying Movies sequels upset

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I’m really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? When I see you, I wanna be thinking, ‘Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?’

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl, Season 1: Wedding

tonight step it up Slut dirty

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I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is like a unique experience.

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl, Season 1: (TV Series 2011– )

Sex unique Variety

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Are you cooking a frittata in a sauce pan? What is this – prison?

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl, Season 2: Katie

Cooking frittata sauce pan Prison Questions

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Damn it! I can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere!

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl, Season 1: The Story of the 50

Driving moccasins upset

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Please take that off. You look like a homeless pencil.

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl, Season 2: Bachelorette Party

take that off homeless Pencil

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Guess whose personalized condoms just arrived!

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl, Season 1: The Story of the 50

Personalized condoms Excited

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You cannot just call me at any time and just summon me for intercourse.

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield)

Sex Being Used Intercourse

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I don’t celebrate Christmas. Or, as I like to call it, ‘White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night’.

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl, Season 2: Santa

Christmas white Winter Privilege Night

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If you need me, I’ll be in my room, listening to some mainstream hip-hop.

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl, Season 3: The Captain

Room Music Listening Mainstream Hip-Hop

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Damp towel, damp! It’s like a really big wet nap. I feel like I’m being licked by a golden retriever. Look at this bathroom. There should not be two girls in this bathroom. You’re too humid.

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl, Season 1: Jess and Julia

damp towel Nap Simile Examples Golden Retriever Bathroom Bucket humid

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I cried the other day listening to a techno song. My tweets have been extremely literal.

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl, Season 3: The Box

Cried techno song Tweets Literal

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Can someone please get my towel? It’s in my room next to my Irish walking cape!

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl, Season 1: Jess and Julia

towel Irish walking cape

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It’s only romantic because it’s a wedding. I’d be just as happy to sabotage, I don’t know, let’s say, her tax audit.

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl, Season 2: Elaine's Big Day

Romantic wedding Happy Sabotage tax audit

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Where have you been? I am having a major life crisis, and you guys are, what, just driving around, French kissing each other like a couple of Dutch hookers?

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl, Season 3: All In

major life crisis driving around French Kissing Simile Examples dutch hookers

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Old people freak me out. With their hands and their legs. They’re like the people version of pleated pants.

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl, Season 1: Backslide

Old People Freak hands legs version pleated pants

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Winston, you’ve been staring at this girl for 5 minutes. Please tell me you’re checking her out, otherwise you’re a serial killer. Which would explain a lot.

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl, Season 2: Fluffer

staring checking her out serial killer

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Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It’s the wood of poor people and outhouses.

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl, Season 1: Control

Pine loft Poor People outhouses prestigious

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Can you believe the zoo wouldn’t let me borrow their white tiger? I mean, the nerve! Philip Seymour Hoffman is going to be sitting at the back of the party thinking, ‘Look at that guy. He couldn’t even get a big cat.’

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl, Season 2: Re-launch

Zoo borrow white tiger Philip Seymour Hoffman party Guy big cat

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Nick is delicate. Like a flower. Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself.

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl, Season 1: Naked

Delicate Simile Examples Flower chubby damaged Hate

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Schmidt: No sig oths.

Cece: Just say ‘significant others.’

Schmidt: Maybe you have that kind of time, but I’m on a tight sched.

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl, Season 3: Nerd

Abbreviations Significant Others schedule

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Without sex she's not your girlfriend okay? She's just a friend you buy meals for.

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), Modern Family, Season 2: Halloween

Sex friend zoned Friends

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I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano’s phone number just by randomly choosing numbers.

— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl, Season 2: Bachelorette Party

Success Goals Hard Work

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