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Mark Steven Johnson Quotes

Total quotes: 28
“ [after Ariel kicks John out, and Max won't let him spend the night]

John Gustafson: I'm cold.

Max Goldman: [hands him some matches] Here's some matches. Set yourself on fire.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: cold, cold-blooded
“Maria: I haven't been with a man for a long time

Max Goldman: Me, neither.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Sex, Abstinence
“John Gustafson: You're supposed to be smoking filter cigarettes.

Grandpa Gustafson: I'm 94 years old. What the hell do I care?”
— John Gustafson, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: smoking, filtered cigarettes
“[Bragging about his sexual escapades] I've laid more pipe in this town than Wabasha Plumbing.”
— John Gustafson, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: laying pipe, sexual escapades
“Weatherman: Cold enough for ya? Brrrrrrr!

Max Goldman: Oh, shut up, fatass.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: Cold Weather, fatass
“Max: I am the gangster of love.

John: Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a holdup than a stickup?

Max: Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Gangster, holdup, stickup, erectile dysfunction, Juvenile, penis jokes
“ [At Maria's restaurant in front of Ariel, Maria and Max]

John: Nobody slept with anybody.'

[Shows up in the background]

Grandpa Gustafson: Speak for yourself.”
— Grandpa Gustafson, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Horny, dirty old man
“Winnie The Pooh: What day is it?

Christopher Robin: It's today.

Winnie The Pooh: My favorite day.”
— Winnie the Pooh, Christopher Robin
Tagged: Favorites, Today, sweet, Simple, Positive Outlook
“Christopher Robin: I've cracked.

Winnie The Pooh: Oh, I don't see any cracks. A few wrinkles, maybe.”
— Winnie the Pooh, Christopher Robin
Tagged: humor, Wrinkles, Cracked, crazy, Misunderstanding
“Max Goldman: Good morning, dickhead.

John Gustafson: Hello, moron.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: dickhead, Moron, insults
“John Gustafson: This milk has chunks in it.

Max Goldman: What's your point?”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Sour Mllk, Apathy
“If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: dog, ugly, ass-shaving
“[singing] I just met a girl named Maria! And now I plainly see, she's not the bitch I thought she would be!”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: West Side Story, Bitch
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
— Winnie the Pooh, Christopher Robin
Tagged: Wisdom, impossible, Nothing, humor, Ironic, Misunderstanding
“Doing nothing often leads to the very best something.”
— Winnie the Pooh, Christopher Robin
Tagged: Wisdom, Doing Nothing, Somethingness, contradictory, go with the flow, Living In The Moment, Inspirational
“When I had my ulcers, I was farting razor blades.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: ulcers, Farting, razor blades
“[after Allie swallows a quarter]

Grandpa: Relax. Kids swallow quarters all the time.

Melanie: Really?

Grandpa: Sure. If she craps out two dimes and a nickel, then you can start worrying.”
— Grandpa Gustafson, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: relax, swallowing quarters
“Looks like Chuck's taking old one-eye to the optometrist.”
— Grandpa Gustafson, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: sexual euphemisms
“Kids; can't live with them, can't shoot them.”
— Grandpa Gustafson, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: kids
“Christopher Robin: I'm not the person I used to be.

Winnie The Pooh: You saved us. You're a hero.

Christopher Robin: I'm not a hero, Pooh. The fact is, I'm lost.

Winnie The Pooh: But I found you.”
— Winnie the Pooh, Christopher Robin
Tagged: The Person I Used To Be, sweet, Growing Up, Friendship, lost, Hero, savior
“Hey, watch your mouth you dumb friggin' Swede.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: Swedophobia
“Christopher Robin: Hello Pooh.

Winnie The Pooh: Hello, Christopher Robin.

Christopher Robin: I'm sorry, Pooh. I'm so terribly sorry. I should never had shouted at you.

Winnie The Pooh: Well I am a bear of very little brain.

Christopher Robin: No Pooh. You are, I think, a bear of very big heart.”
— Christopher Robin, Christopher Robin
Tagged: Love, Friendship, I'm Sorry, Apology, Stupid, Big Heart, Compassionate
“Grandpa: And then the Mama Bear said, ‘Somebody's been sleeping in my bed, too!’ And finally, the Baby Bear looked and he said, ‘Somebody's sleeping in my bed, and the bastard's still there!’ But Goldilocks had a Remington semi-automatic, with a scope and a hair-trigger!

Allie, Melanie's Daughter: That's not the way it goes!

Grandpa: And that was the end of the Three Bears.”
— Grandpa Gustafson, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Goldilocks, Three Bears, Remington
“Max: I knew your old man longer than I knew my own.

John: He was always very fond of you, Max.

Max: He was a good man.

John: The best.

Max: You know I didn't mean what I said about Melanie.

John: And you know how I really feel about Jacob.

Max: Yeah, well, he deserves to be happy.

John: He deserves Melanie.

Max: Hmmmm. Well, whaddya wanna do now?

John: You wanna get drunk?

Max: Yeah.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Drinking, Memories
“Grandpa: What the... what the hell is this?

John: That's lite beer.

Grandpa: Gee, I weigh ninety goddamn pounds, and you bring me this sloppin' foam?

John: Ariel's got me on a diet because the doc said my cholesterol's a little too high.

Grandpa: Well let me tell you something now, Johnny. Last Thursday, I turned 95 years old. And I never exercised a day in my life. Every morning, I wake up, and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack?

John: Bacon.

Grandpa: Bacon! A whole damn plate! And I usually drink my dinner. Now according to all of them flat-belly experts, I should've took a dirt nap like thirty years ago. But each year comes and goes, and I'm still here. Ha! And they keep dyin'. You know? Sometimes I wonder if God forgot about me. Just goes to show you, huh?

John: What?

Grandpa: Huh?

John: Goes to show you what?

Grandpa: Well it just goes... what the hell are you talkin' about?

John: Well you said you drink beer, you eat bacon and you smoke cigarettes, and you outlive most of the experts.

Grandpa: Yeah?

John: I thought maybe there was a moral.

Grandpa: No, there ain't no moral. I just like that story. That's all. Like that story.”
— Grandpa Gustafson, Grumpier Old Men
Tagged: Cholesterol, Lite Beer, Cigarettes, Bacon, weight loss
“Max Goldman: [Knows that John is hiding and listening, but can't give himself away] You mean the lowlife, asswipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson?

Snyder: Have you seen him?

Max Goldman: The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's of course if he's taken his medication.

Snyder: Medication?

Max Goldman: Yes, without it he could be anywhere. Wandering around talking to the trees. I'm telling you the man's a menace, he's always drinking, starting fights.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: asswipe, egg-sucker, lowlife, Drinking, medication
“Max Goldman: You know what Jacob said? Jacob said old Billy Hensel was killed in a car crash. Cleared his car straight off the bridge into the Mississippi.

John Gustafson: Lucky bastard.

Max Goldman: You bet.

John Gustafson: Hey, how is he, anyway?

Max Goldman: Dead! Died on impact!

John Gustafson: Jacob, moron, Jacob.”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: Mississippi River, Moron
“Max Goldman: You're trying to steal her away like you did Mae.

John Gustafson: Oh, well, I'll remind you, Einstein, that Mae was no prize.

Max Goldman: She was to me.

John Gustafson: I was married to the woman for 20 years, she was no prize!

Max Goldman: She was to me.

John Gustafson: Well, that's why you're a moron! If you'd had Mae you wouldn't have had Amy! And Amy was a good woman!

Max Goldman: She was the best.

John Gustafson: Yeah, and she was a darned sight more loyal than Mae ever was!

Max Goldman: Yeah!

John Gustafson: Yeah.

Max Goldman: What?

John Gustafson: What?

Max Goldman: Huh?

John Gustafson: Huh?

John Gustafson: What...?

[Both forget what they were arguing about]”
— Max Goldman, Grumpy Old Men
Tagged: arguments, Alzheimer's
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