David Mandel Quotes

Total quotes (30)

David Mandel

David Mandel

Birthname

Educated At Harvard University

Nationality United States Of America

Occupations Film Director, Screenwriter

Total quotes (30)

There's nothing more pathetic than a grown man who’s afraid of
a woman.

— Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Pool Guy

Masculinity Grown Man Fear of Women

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You know, uh, she has no female friends! You know that, don'tcha? Something strange about a woman whose friends are all men.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Pool Guy

One of the Boys Women with no Female Friends "I Hate Other Women"

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Rugged? The man's a goblin. He's only been exposed to smoke for four days. By the time this case gets to trial, he’ll be nothing more than a shrunken head.

— Jackie Chiles (Phil Morris), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Abstinence

Rugged Goblins smoking Lawsuits Tobacco

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Hey, I'm on first and first. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe.

— Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Maid

Universe lost Directions

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What's the deal with lampshades? I mean if it's a lamp, why do you want shade?

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Butter Shave

Bad Jokes Lampshade

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Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure...my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face.

— Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Abstinence

face Visage Livelihood Vanity

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Miss Wilkie, your tobacco company has turned this beautiful specimen into a horrible, twisted freak.

— Jackie Chiles (Phil Morris), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Abstinence

smoking Lawyers Lawsuits Freaks Hyperbole

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Look, I work for the phone company. I've had a lot of experience with semantics, so don't try to lure me into some maze of circular logic.

— Phone Guy #1 (Sam Whipple), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Maid

Circular Logic Phone Companies Semantics

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Do you know what day this is? Because I know what day this is, they know what day this is, so I was wondering if you know what day this is!

— Bob (Yul Vazquez), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Puerto Rican Day

Puerto Rican Day Thugs Threats

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Come on! I know you're there, laughing at me. Laughing and lying and laughing.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Pool Guy

Laughing lying Paranoia

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I don't think I'll ever be able to forget Susie—ahhh. And most of all, I will never forget that one night. Working late on the catalog. Just the two of us. And we surrendered to temptation. And it was pretty good.

— J. Peterman (John O'Hurley), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Susie

funerals Passion Fables fiction

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I can't take this anymore! I don't want to hear how interesting the change with the hole in it is! And if you tell me what time it is in New York again, you are going home in a body bag!

— Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Butter Shave

Foreign Currency travel Annoyance Threats

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I'm sorry, Elaine. I always knew that after I became a doctor, I would dump whoever I was with and find someone better. That's the dream of becoming a doctor.

— Ben (Bob Odenkirk), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Abstinence

doctors Players Dating

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The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek mythology; I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Bizarro Jerry

Greek Mythology Man Hands

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Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Voice

Breakups Coke Machines

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Well you know, all you guys ever do is sit around the coffee shop talking, sit around Jerry's apartment talking. Frankly, I don't know how you can stand it. I’ll see you.

— Susan Ross (Heidi Swedberg), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Pool Guy

Boredom Rejection talking Friendship

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Oh, I'm percolating, Jerry. I'm telling you, I have never felt so fertile. I'm mossy, Jerry. My brain is mossy. Listen to this idea: a restaurant that serves only peanut butter and jelly.

— Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Friars Club

Percolating Mossy fertile Peanut Butter and Jelly Sleep Deprivation

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Well, you know what they say, you don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle.

— Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Bizarro Jerry

Sales Advertising Steak

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This is my one chance to make a great entrance! My whole life, I have never made a great entrance!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Susie

balls Entrances

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If she can't find me, she can't break up with me.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Susie

Breakups Avoidance Ghosting

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Jerry, let's face it, I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it. Name one thing I have that puts me in a position of advantage. Huh? There was a guy that worked at the Yankees—no arms! He got more work done than I did, made more money, had a wife, a family, drove a better car than I did.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Butter Shave

Handicapped Success New York Yankees

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This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.

— Jackie Chiles (Phil Morris), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Abstinence

Public Humiliation

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I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: They're meaningless!

— Newman (Wayne Knight), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Betrayal

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You can stuff you sorries in a sack, mister!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Betrayal

Apologies Cliches

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This is not good. Worlds are colliding! George is getting upset.

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Pool Guy

Worlds Collide Getting Upset

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Uh, yes, most likely, yes. I'm, uh, H. E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and, uh, a bicyclist. And, um, yes, I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with my, uh, peculiar habits, and, uh, the women that I frequent with.

— Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards), Seinfeld, Season 9: The Puerto Rican Day

Wealth Industrialist Philanthropy

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To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Abstinence

Sex Abstinence Trash garbage Garbage Strike stupidity

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You're a man's woman. You hate other women, and they hate you.

— Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Pool Guy

Misogyny Man's Woman Female Misogyny Women Hating Women

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I mean, let's say this is your brain. OK, from what I know about you, your brain consists of two parts: the intellect, represented here, and the part obsessed with sex. Now, granted, you have extracted an astonishing amount from this little scrap. But with no-sex—Louise, this previously useless lump is now functioning for the first time in its existence.

— Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, Season 8: The Abstinence

Sex Abstinence Brain

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Ah, you have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him ceases to exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with—Movie George, Coffee Shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George….If Relationship George walks through this door, he will Kill Independent George! A George divided against itself cannot stand!

— George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld, Season 7: The Pool Guy

Independence Relationships Coffee Shops Movies

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