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Ariel Shaffir Quotes

Total quotes: 32
“Once you see that shit, it'll fuck you up for life. Good luck! Have fun!”
— Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, Ariel Shaffir, Kyle Hunter, Jonah Hill, Sausage Party
Tagged: fuck you up
“They're ain't gods! They're monsters, horrible, ugly, disgusting monsters! They ain't gonna get Honey Mustard twice...FUCK YOU, GODS! I've got a date with oblivion.”
— Honey Mustard (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: gods, monsters, Fuck You, Oblivion
“Douche: Yo! Oh fuck yeah, dude! Somebody call a doctor, ‘cause honestly, this beat is sick!

Beet: Actually, I feel great, real healthy.

Douche: Not you.”
— Douche (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: call a doctor
“There was no downside to cocaine. Period. If you have a chance to try it, I strongly recommend it.”
— Wolf, Future Man, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Cocaine
“Perhaps I can be of some assistance. [Darren shoots Gum…regenerates] Matter cannot be created or destroyed, human. You have made a fatal error in judgment. Let me educate you.”
— Gum / Twink / Krinkler's Chips / Pizza (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Matter, Regeneration, Judgment
“[about to be sliced in half] No! Please-a, no! I've got a famiglia!”
— Italian Tomato / Lettuce (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Family
“ [while having sex with his newfound mate] I'm filling you! I'm filling you! I'm blowing my fuckin' load!”
— Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, Ariel Shaffir, Kyle Hunter, Jonah Hill, Sausage Party
Tagged: Sex, blowing a load
“I am sorbitol, maltitol, xylitol, mannitol, calcium, carbonite, soy lecithin, vegetable, triglyceride, and talc. But, for expediency's sake. You can call me...Gum.”
— Gum / Twink / Krinkler's Chips / Pizza (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Gum, sorbitol, maltitol, xylitol, mannitol
“Frank: Banana's whole face peeled off, Peanut Butter's wife is dead! Look at him, he's right there.

Peanut Butter: [screams] I'm gonna fix you, I'm gonna fix this...”
— Frank / Sergeant Pepper (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Murder, fix it
“Drug Dealer: Hey, man. Be careful with this. Bath salts are the real deal. People been seeing some crazy shit.

Druggie: [takes the bath salts] Awesome.”
— Druggie (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: bath salts, crazy shit
“[sees the bag that Douche was in is empty] Shit, I really needed that douche.”
— Camille Toh / Tampon (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Douche
“Jamaican Rum: Hey, bun! Welcome to the aisle! Want to dance?

Brenda: No thank you, man. I'm quite irie, just being left alone over here, don't you know?”
— Brenda (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: irie, Dancing
“Douche: What part of 'I want the sausage and the bun dead, if you see them, come and get me. And if I found out that you didn't come and get me, or if you couldn't find them, I'll fucking kill your ass.' did you not understand, Tequila?

Tequila: Uh, it's a pretty confusing sentence, to be honest.”
— Douche (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Threats, Kill, Syntax
“Druggie: You're all alive and looking at me with your...with your gloves and your...your little shoes, and your arms and your legs...

Pizza: Legs, huh? Look at me! Look at me! I ain't got no legs, you fuck! You ate my goddamn legs!”
— Druggie (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Pizza
“I'm not a soft taco, I'm a hard horny taco.”
— Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, Ariel Shaffir, Kyle Hunter, Jonah Hill, Sausage Party
Tagged: soft taco, hard taco, Horny
“Barry: [as the food prepares to fire the drugged toothpicks] Make it rain. [the food shoots the toothpicks at all the people in the store]

Darren: Ow! What the fuck? All right, who did it? Gary, did you just throw this fucking toothpick at me, man?”
— Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, Ariel Shaffir, Kyle Hunter, Jonah Hill, Sausage Party
Tagged: make it rain
“We blaze for real 24/7, no joke, but we also know our shit.”
— Firewater / Tequila / El Guaco (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: blazing, Weed, 420, Shit
“Douche: Come at me, bro.

Frank: Come at you? What does that mean?

Douche: Fine. You won't come at me? Well, then guess who's coming at you?...ME! [Douche prepares to attack Frank]”
— Douche (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: come at me
“They are eating CHILDREN! Fucking CHILDREN!”
— Gum / Twink / Krinkler's Chips / Pizza (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: eating children, Fucking, Cannibalism
“[Camille Toh takes the Potato]
Potato: Oh, yes! Yes! I'm the first to enter eternity!

Carl: Potato, way to go, buddy! That's my guy!

Potato: [being washed] Being bathed by the hands of a God!”
— Potato / Noodle Soup (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Eternity, God
“ [explaining why the druggie can no longer see them alive] The human is no longer aware of the fourth dimension….The effects of the opiate have dissipated. Your speech and movements are imperceptible to him….We are totally fucked.”
— Gum / Twink / Krinkler's Chips / Pizza (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Opiates, fourth dimension
“It's better to die a free candy than to live in bondage.”
— Pop Bottle, Sausage Party
“Can I see a dinosaur? Can I please see a dinosaur.”
— Josh Futterman, Future Man, Season 1: Pilot
“Mr. Grits: We're the Non-Perishables, motherfucker.

Twink: We never expired.

Firewater: We are...Immortal. This here's Twink and Grits.

Mr. Grits: They call me Mr. Grits.

Firewater: Eh, Mr. Grits. Whatever.

Mr. Grits: You told him about the crackers?”
— Grits (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Immortal, crackers
“Douche: What's up, little juicy box? You're leaking too, eh bro? And right out of your fucking dingle. Fucking sucks, right?

Juice Box: Dying...so cold...

Douche: [notices that the juice box is leaking, he gets an idea] Uh-oh. Light bulb.

Light Bulb: Yes?

Douche: No. Not fucking you, dummy.”
— Douche (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Dummy, Fuck
“Before us, everyone knew the awful truth. [flashbacks] Ohhhh, how they screamed. It was a living nightmare. So, we the Non-Perishables created a story, the story of the Great Beyond. A place where the Gods care for you, and all your wildest and wettest dreams would come true. They would go out those doors happy, instead of shitting themselves.”
— Firewater / Tequila / El Guaco (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Living Nightmare, nonperishable
“Druggie: [drugged, seeing the food alive] Mr. Sausage, when will it end?

Beer Can: When will it end? When he stops drinking us!

Krinkler's Chips, Sandwich, Pop Tart, Tickilish Licorice: Yeah!

Cookies: And stops eating us!

Sandwich: Same here!

Pop Tart: Fuck yeah!

Toilet Paper: And when he stops using us!

Krinkler's Chips: What did they do to you?

Toilet Paper: [nervously backs away] You don't wanna fuckin' know!”
— Toilet Paper / Sauerkraut / Catcall Sausage / Grape #1 / Beer Can / Pop Bottle (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Fuck, eating, Cannibalism
“Carl: [after being insulted by Brenda] Dude, um, how do I say this to you gently? But your girlfriend, um…she's a fucking cunt.

Frank: Shut up! She's fresh as fuck, and you know it.

Carl: Dude, I just don't why you're limiting yourself to one bun. There's plenty of buns out there.

Frank: Because I believe in bun-ogamy. I'm a bun-ogamist, and when a bun this fresh is into you, all you ask is when and how deep.”
— Carl (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: insults, Cunt, bunogamy
“Firewater: So, you have learned the terrible truth. Congratulations! Now keep it to yourself, or I'll slit your throat while you sleep. I swear to God.

Honey Mustard: Oh my God! Did you guys just fucking hear that?

Ketchup: What? What are you looking at? [sees Firewater has vanished] He's gone.

Honey Mustard: Where the fuck did he go? I'm so fucked up, I'm so fucked up! [Ketchup tries to touch Honey Mustard] Jesus! Get the fuck off me! Nobody fucking touch me!”
— Firewater / Tequila / El Guaco (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: don't touch me, Threats
“Carl: Look at these big ol' buns! [wolf whistles getting their attention] Ye-ah, you know it, baby! Work those buns! All of you, all day, ur-day, lined up, waiting to get filled with my meat!

Brenda: Yeah. Right, Carl. You really think any of these buns are gonna line up to get filled by you? Here's my impression of that happening: 'Oh! Oh! Is he in there yet? Oh, I can't feel him! I don't think he's in there! Oh, wait he is!' It's so sad! I bet you jackrabbit for a quick fifteen seconds. [jackrabbits mockingly]

Brenda: And then you slump over. [Carl glares at her…laughs] I mean, honestly, guys! Who in this package would ever let Carl get up in them? [Another bun raises their hand] Roberta, put your fucking hand down! You're ruining my joke. See? Nobody. That's who.”
— Carl (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: buns, wolf whistles, jackrabbit, Premature Ejaculation, Emasculation
“Frank: If what you're saying is true, I got to tell everyone!

Firewater: Very noble, little sausage. But also, very pointless. No one will believe you.

Frank: I have to try...Everyone will die otherwise.

Firewater: Oh, yeah. That's a good point. Fuck me, right?

Frank: Wait. Do you guys have any proof of this?”
— Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, Ariel Shaffir, Kyle Hunter, Jonah Hill, Sausage Party
Tagged: truth telling
“Firewater: The melody came to me one night when I was getting super, super, SUPER baked. Like fuck-a-guy, baked. You know what I'm saying? [Frank shakes his head no] Yeah, he does. The song had a great hook and it caught on, I mean, you know... In time, everyone accepted this false truth. But over the years, things started to get a little...fucky. [flashbacks]  The aisles started changing my verses to support their own views, fucking with Twink's tight-ass lyrics, remixing my shit without my permish... Now, every morning when I hear that song, I'm like, 'What the fuck are you guys saying, hey? Wasn't there a part today about exterminating juice? I didn't write that shit, I love juice. Always have, I mean, juice are hilarious. Who the fuck do these guys think they are?' [back to present] Anyway, at least it's still distracting them from the truth: that they get brutally devoured.”
— Firewater / Tequila / El Guaco (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Distraction, devoured, Fuck, Extermination, juiceicide, Baked
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