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Evan Goldberg Quotes

Total quotes: 46
“Promises matter. It’s the currency of faith.”
— Jesse Custer, Preacher, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: promises, currency, Faith, Matter
“Once you see that shit, it'll fuck you up for life. Good luck! Have fun!”
— Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, Ariel Shaffir, Kyle Hunter, Jonah Hill, Sausage Party
Tagged: fuck you up
“They're ain't gods! They're monsters, horrible, ugly, disgusting monsters! They ain't gonna get Honey Mustard twice...FUCK YOU, GODS! I've got a date with oblivion.”
— Honey Mustard (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: gods, monsters, Fuck You, Oblivion
“Douche: Yo! Oh fuck yeah, dude! Somebody call a doctor, ‘cause honestly, this beat is sick!

Beet: Actually, I feel great, real healthy.

Douche: Not you.”
— Douche (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: call a doctor
“Two rules, man: Stay away from my fuckin' Percocets and do you have any fucking Percocets, man?”
— Marco Belchoir, Goon
Tagged: Percocets, painkillers, Addiction, Fucking, Hockey Movies
“'A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.' Proverbs 16:9”
— Jesse Custer, Preacher, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Man, heart, Lord, Directs, Steps, Bible, God
“Perhaps I can be of some assistance. [Darren shoots Gum…regenerates] Matter cannot be created or destroyed, human. You have made a fatal error in judgment. Let me educate you.”
— Gum / Twink / Krinkler's Chips / Pizza (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Matter, Regeneration, Judgment
“[about to be sliced in half] No! Please-a, no! I've got a famiglia!”
— Italian Tomato / Lettuce (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Family
“ [while having sex with his newfound mate] I'm filling you! I'm filling you! I'm blowing my fuckin' load!”
— Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, Ariel Shaffir, Kyle Hunter, Jonah Hill, Sausage Party
Tagged: Sex, blowing a load
“Misery loves company, does it not? It’s the hope that sets men at one another’s throats here.”
— Cassidy, Preacher, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Misery, Misery loves company, Hope
“I am sorbitol, maltitol, xylitol, mannitol, calcium, carbonite, soy lecithin, vegetable, triglyceride, and talc. But, for expediency's sake. You can call me...Gum.”
— Gum / Twink / Krinkler's Chips / Pizza (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Gum, sorbitol, maltitol, xylitol, mannitol
“Frank: Banana's whole face peeled off, Peanut Butter's wife is dead! Look at him, he's right there.

Peanut Butter: [screams] I'm gonna fix you, I'm gonna fix this...”
— Frank / Sergeant Pepper (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Murder, fix it
“Drug Dealer: Hey, man. Be careful with this. Bath salts are the real deal. People been seeing some crazy shit.

Druggie: [takes the bath salts] Awesome.”
— Druggie (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: bath salts, crazy shit
“[sees the bag that Douche was in is empty] Shit, I really needed that douche.”
— Camille Toh / Tampon (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Douche
“Jamaican Rum: Hey, bun! Welcome to the aisle! Want to dance?

Brenda: No thank you, man. I'm quite irie, just being left alone over here, don't you know?”
— Brenda (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: irie, Dancing
“Douche: What part of 'I want the sausage and the bun dead, if you see them, come and get me. And if I found out that you didn't come and get me, or if you couldn't find them, I'll fucking kill your ass.' did you not understand, Tequila?

Tequila: Uh, it's a pretty confusing sentence, to be honest.”
— Douche (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Threats, Kill, Syntax
“Druggie: You're all alive and looking at me with your...with your gloves and your...your little shoes, and your arms and your legs...

Pizza: Legs, huh? Look at me! Look at me! I ain't got no legs, you fuck! You ate my goddamn legs!”
— Druggie (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Pizza
“Sore winner. You can't be a sore winner.”
— Seth Rogen, This Is the End
Tagged: Sore Winner, Lesson
“Whenever you feel shitty, that's cause of gluten.”
— Seth Rogen, This Is the End
Tagged: Gluten , Sick, Unwell
“I'm not a soft taco, I'm a hard horny taco.”
— Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, Ariel Shaffir, Kyle Hunter, Jonah Hill, Sausage Party
Tagged: soft taco, hard taco, Horny
“Barry: [as the food prepares to fire the drugged toothpicks] Make it rain. [the food shoots the toothpicks at all the people in the store]

Darren: Ow! What the fuck? All right, who did it? Gary, did you just throw this fucking toothpick at me, man?”
— Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg, Ariel Shaffir, Kyle Hunter, Jonah Hill, Sausage Party
Tagged: make it rain
“We blaze for real 24/7, no joke, but we also know our shit.”
— Firewater / Tequila / El Guaco (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: blazing, Weed, 420, Shit
“How hurt you want him? How far do I go? One punch? Two?”
— Jesse Custer, Preacher, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: hurt, far, One Punch, Two Punch, Violence
“Douche: Come at me, bro.

Frank: Come at you? What does that mean?

Douche: Fine. You won't come at me? Well, then guess who's coming at you?...ME! [Douche prepares to attack Frank]”
— Douche (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: come at me
“I'd give my middle nut to start dating Becca.”
— Evan, Superbad
Tagged: Date, Give Up
“You know what foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds!”
— Seth, Superbad
Tagged: food, shape, Delicious
“It's me, Jonah Hill, America's sweetheart. ”
— Jonah Hill, This Is the End
Tagged: Sweetheart, Darling
“No sermon today. You’re welcome for that.”
— Jesse Custer, Preacher, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Sermon, Welcome, Canceled, You're Welcome
“They are eating CHILDREN! Fucking CHILDREN!”
— Gum / Twink / Krinkler's Chips / Pizza (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: eating children, Fucking, Cannibalism
“[Camille Toh takes the Potato]
Potato: Oh, yes! Yes! I'm the first to enter eternity!

Carl: Potato, way to go, buddy! That's my guy!

Potato: [being washed] Being bathed by the hands of a God!”
— Potato / Noodle Soup (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Eternity, God
“Red: I'm trying to decide how stoned I am and just how on the verge of death am I right now. Like, am I seeing shit because I'm stone or because I have no blood left in my body.

Dale Denton: Well, you've been shot like seven times.”
— Red, Pineapple Express
Tagged: stoned, Death, Blood, Shit, shot, Irony
“Hermione just stole all our shit.”
— Danny McBride, This Is the End
Tagged: upset, stole, Robbed
“If you’re lucky enough to fall in love, you have to be even stronger. Fight like a lion to keep it alive. So that on the day your love is weak enough or selfish enough or frickin’ stupid enough to run away, you have the strength to track him down and eat him alive.”
— Tulip O'Hare, Preacher, Season 1: Pilot
Tagged: Lucky, Fall in love, Simile Examples, Run Away, strength
“ [explaining why the druggie can no longer see them alive] The human is no longer aware of the fourth dimension….The effects of the opiate have dissipated. Your speech and movements are imperceptible to him….We are totally fucked.”
— Gum / Twink / Krinkler's Chips / Pizza (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Opiates, fourth dimension
“It's better to die a free candy than to live in bondage.”
— Pop Bottle, Sausage Party
“Weed is tight. Weed is tight. That's awesome.”
— Jonah Hill, This Is the End
Tagged: cool, tight
“I was resistant to change, I should have grown with you.”
— Jay Baruchel, This Is the End
Tagged: Change, Growth, Friendship
“Mr. Grits: We're the Non-Perishables, motherfucker.

Twink: We never expired.

Firewater: We are...Immortal. This here's Twink and Grits.

Mr. Grits: They call me Mr. Grits.

Firewater: Eh, Mr. Grits. Whatever.

Mr. Grits: You told him about the crackers?”
— Grits (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Immortal, crackers
“Douche: What's up, little juicy box? You're leaking too, eh bro? And right out of your fucking dingle. Fucking sucks, right?

Juice Box: Dying...so cold...

Douche: [notices that the juice box is leaking, he gets an idea] Uh-oh. Light bulb.

Light Bulb: Yes?

Douche: No. Not fucking you, dummy.”
— Douche (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Dummy, Fuck
“Before us, everyone knew the awful truth. [flashbacks] Ohhhh, how they screamed. It was a living nightmare. So, we the Non-Perishables created a story, the story of the Great Beyond. A place where the Gods care for you, and all your wildest and wettest dreams would come true. They would go out those doors happy, instead of shitting themselves.”
— Firewater / Tequila / El Guaco (voice), Sausage Party
Tagged: Living Nightmare, nonperishable
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